Re-building My Life

Tomso

We havent been speaking but I appreciated your post to me last week and I am truly sorry to read that you have been gambling again.

I feel obliged to give you my opinion - if GA is the answer for you then so be it. My opinion is that all compulsive gamblers are weak people who use gambling as an escape and a crutch as they cannot handle real everyday life. (Other addicts may be likewise). GA is just an alternative means of escape - instead of spending loads of time in the bookies or the casino people go to GA meetings 4 or 5 times a week - a bunch of ex-gamblers together instead of a bunch of current gamblers. They manage to abstain only by being brainwashed into thinking their confidence and resolve not to gamble will be enhanced by them being lofted up a hypothetical pyramid based on time of abstinence. Some guy sits at the top of the table because he hasnt gambled for a while. Its like a religion. If someone wants religion, go to a Church where everyone is equal and there is only one REAL God.

You talk about a guy getting a pin for being clean for a year - no-one deserves a medal for not gambling - Yes recovery is hard but they are just getting back to reality having not been able to cope with life before due to their own weaknesses.

As far as telling your parents, I hope it doesnt affect your relationship. I told some of my family about my problems and others found out and my relationship with them has never been the same and I have regretted it ever since.

I do wish you the best and I am not giving my opinion of GA just for the sake of it. There are many on here who use GA but I havent posted to them about it as I havent really had much dealings with them. You and I exchanged many a good post a while back before we had our diffefrences and I feel I know you as well as anyone can know someone on a Forum. I just ask you to consider whether you really need GA and the pros and cons it may have for you.

You have managed long periods of abstincence. You have made real progress. Devote your time not to GA but to your wife and family and friends.

Tomso,

Good on ya mate. Obviously sorry to hear you slipped, but great to see you embracing something you feel is really helping.

In response to comments above, it's your journey - do what you think is right. Personally, I have been to GA (4-5 different stints, both here and abroad), and whilst I do not attend regularly nowadays, I am perfectly open to returning at some stage. I also told my close family everything...both were difficult steps, and neither created an 'instant cure' so to speak. But both these actions were an important part of the journey that has brought me here. They brought home the reality of my addiction - increasing my accountability encouraging me to truly take responsibility for what was happening in my life.

Wishing you all the best pal, and looking forward to hearing of your progress.

D123

Yo,

Respect mate respect.

Coming clean to one and all.

After years of thinking Ga wasn't for you, putting aside a view , keeping an open mind and giving it another go.

I must say whilst in rehab and for a while afterwards I too sat in rooms and felt a great connection with the good folk present . For reasons that I can not go into I had to stop going , and if those reasons did not exists I would have walked in there every week without fail.

As I found it not only a supportive environment but was incredibly humbled by the good folk I met .

Anyways to fight this addiction we need to use all the tools we have in our armoury , in your last post it looks like you picked up another to, telling your parents and unearthing the lies , takes power away from the addiction who likes nothing more that to make us want to feel guilty and need to hide our dirty secret. Once out in the open the guilt although still there is sooooo much more diminished .

So like I said mate respect , it takes bravery and total commitment to trying to stay in recovery to sustain it .

Does not mean we will never relapse again, just that we are doing the best we can not to.

Hope you the wife and kids are ok .

Stay strong my dear friend

Shiny xxx

Hi Tomso

Opinions are like a**e holes everyone has one.... You do what feels right for you.

I wish you continued strength and commitment to your recovery, walking into the rooms of G.A was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Take care

Blondie

Dear Diary,

Quick update from me. I am well over 100 days gambling free. Truth be told since walking into G.A. I haven't had any urges to gamble whatsoever.

Life is still a battle but I try to do my best just for today. I am on the back of four or five very, very good days and today has been fairly rubbish. I can identify the reasons behind why today has been rubbish and I accept that this is just one day and tomorrow will be better. In the past I would chuck the towel in. If it wasn't perfect it wasn't good enough. Today, I practice cutting myself some slack. I am not perfect.

That is part of my recovery now not just for gambling but trying to return to the person I used to be. I recognise the things that I do that make me feel good about myself and equally I recognise the things that I do that make me feel rubbish about myself. For the last four days I have done the good, positive stuff. Today, I have been lazy in attitude and action and I feel low because of it. Today, I try to simplify things - positive actions lead to a positive frame of mind.

I don't post much on here anymore and have lost my way in keeping up to date with people and past friends. I hope everyone is well.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso,

You sound in a good and strong place right now. Yep we stop gambling but it doesn't sort any other issues in life, we just deal with c**P being thrown our way in a different manner.

Good to see you going strong and you know that support here is unconditional so just make your way round here anytime you feel like it.

All the best and keep making the right choice

Sandra x

Dear Diary,

Just a quick update from me. I continue to live a life far from gambling. In actual terms, I haven't gambled since June but it feels far longer because gambling is far from my thoughts. I owe that to G.A.

I continue to go to meetings and I always take something from being there. I need the identification in someone's share. The amount of young members that come through the door and within a minute or two into their share the word "roulette" pops up is unreal.

It's a tough life out there for a young person with a gambling problem and that is not to say it isn't tough for everyone regardless of age. I just mean that bookies are everywhere and open all hours, casinos are popping up everywhere and never shut and gambling adverts seem to be everywhere all the time. If we have a problem we need help. Luckily, we are the ones who are seeking help. There are many lost souls out there trying to fight this on their own. My thoughts go out to them.

Trying to get used to the new site - I don't like change or so my wife tells me.

Anyway, my life is good today without gambling in it. My finances are better than they have been in a long, long time. I learn a bit about the twelve step programme and although I have not committed to going through it it has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have many character defects. When I walked through the doors of G.A. I just thought that my problem was gambling. I have lots of things to work on but at least I now have a starting point.

Ultimately, when I act in the right way and do the right things I feel good about myself and I have good days. When I do the wrong things and allow the "poor me" into my life I have bad days and feel sorry for myself. It is that simple at the moment. Everything else is just life.

In the past five years my gambling got to a point where it totally spiralled out of control. No coincidence that in that time I have somehow lost the ability to deal with life. So I am trying to learn how to deal with life again when it kicks you. I am trying to do this without gambling and without hurting myself in other ways i.e. uncontrolable eating, chain smoking, ridiculous levels of exercise etc etc. Example - I got out of my bed at 5am on Saturday morning to run ten miles in the dark and rain even although I haven't ran over 5 miles in the past few months and even although I wasn't at work and didn't need to be anywhere other than bed. I set my alarm to do this. I was tired and grumpy for the rest of the day and now have a cold coming on. This is just one example of unhealthy ideas that get in my head that have a knock on effect on the rest of my day. Note: Get up at a decent time silly and go for a normal run like a normal human being.

P.S. I did enjoy it at the time and my last mile was my fastest.

P.P.S. This is one of my structureless posts that I will look back on and think "what the hell are you talking about weirdo".

Tomso.

Tomso

Fella great to read, thanks for sharing.

GA saved my life I am unashamed of that, in fact I am very proud.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Tomso,

Good to see you posting and even better to hear of your ongoing journey in this recovery. Really happy for you and you sound in a such a strong and positive mindset. Keep it up and keep making the right choice.

recovery is truly bespoke and you are surely on the right track.

All the best and keep winning the fight

S x

Tomso

Great to hear from you and even greater to know your doing so well , I have shared your journey through the good and bad felt your pain like you felt mine so I am so happy for you my friend

Castle2

Yo,

Good for you mate , you sound in a good place .

So all I can say is , keep on keeping on lol

Hugs

Shiny xx

Hi Tomso,

Digging some great and inspiring diaries out 🙂

Hope all is well with you dear soldier and the battle been taken over to 2015 🙂

A little update would be great but all in your own time.
all the best and keep on keeping on!!!

Day at a time

Sandra xxx

Dear Diary,

I thought I would log in tonight and give a brief update of my recovery. I have now passed eight months without gambling and owe this to going to GA once per week throughout that time. I have only missed the odd meeting since I started going last June and GA has undoubtedly proved to be a massive help to me.

I can't quite explain it but I have felt since I first walked through the door that I belong in that room with a group of people who have experienced the same things. The majority of the group remains the same, some new ones come in and many visit from different groups. I get indentification from every share and experience and it reminds me always of the despair gambling brings to peoples lives. Perhaps I need this constant reminder and it works for me.

We spend some time on the steps of recovery and I won't lie and say I work the steps but every week when I walk out that room I always want to become a better person. Whether that be how I treat myself, loved ones or total strangers I always leave wanting to be better. I always leave and drive home being grateful for the things I have in my life whereas in years gone by I concentrated too much on what I didn't have and perhaps on what others had.

Gambling addiction will be with me forever and I realise that now. All I can do is live right today and try to do the same tomorrow. Eight months is great but all that matters is how I conduct myself today. I have a long way to go just like everyone else but I can deal with lives problems today in a way I never could when gambling. I can face problems with a clear head. I can sleep peacefully at night and the greatest gift ever is I can give my time and attention to my family.

I can enjoy a different relationship with money today and it is the small things which jump out at me. Might sound pathetic but when the window cleaner comes and the wife asks if I have any money I say yes - no problem. Before I could have hundreds hidden in my sock drawer or in the car and I would look her in the eye and tell her I didn't have a penny. It is easier to be truthful when you have nothing to hide.

Recently, I experience the greatest Christmas I can ever remember as an adult. We didn't do anything that most families don't do. We spent Christmas as a family and enjoyed each others company in total bliss and happiness without fighting or arguing. I watched my three kids play with their toys and watched the happiness on my wives face. That day will stay with me forever and three lines of text cannot nearly explain how content I felt that day.

My heart goes out to people raw from recent gambling losses or relapses. I wish everyone peace and happiness and hope that everyone can find recovery.Every day without gambling for me takes me further away from my last loss which was gut renching and soul destroying. I am grateful that that was not in my life today.

One day at a time.

Tomso.

Tomso

My dear friend you put a huge smile upon my face.

I salute you!!!!!!!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back