Re-building My Life

Just a quick post. I am now well over 3 years without gambling in my life. Remarkable how time passes. Not going to post a massive story tonight. Life is better without gambling because life becomes normal again. I hope that makes sense. When gambling, everyone and everything comes second to the addiction. Now life is normal. I enjoy those close to me and fill my life full of the things I enjoy - football, golf, running, reading, travelling, experiencing new things, going out for dinner etc. I have the money to persue these pleasures and the time to pursue them. Just over three years I had no money - worse negative money and if the act of gambling didn't pursue every minute of my time the thought of gambling and the fear of gambling certainly did.

Tomso.

Wonderful post, thanks for sharing

Hi Tomso, wow over 3 years and 4 months without a bet, massive congratulations pal, I would be around the same if I had followed your lead. Pleased to hear from you old friend, all the best in the future, sounds as if you are well on top of it and have put it all in your past.

Wilsy

Dear Diary,

Today, I return to my diary after a long absence. Gambling wasn’t in my life or thoughts for a long, long time and with that I fell away from the forum. Without even knowing it I managed to go 4 years without gambling. This milestone occurred June/July of this year and I wasn’t even aware.

Anyway, I stupidly agreed to a bet in a pub on the first game of the season of August this year. I didn’t even go into a betting establishment I just gave a pal some cash. As a consequence of this idiocy I have been gambling in bookies ever since. Although realising just how wrong this was for a compulsive gambler I didn’t experience any real hardships until the past 4 weeks.

Now, all the major symptoms of being an out of control gambler have yet again surfaced.

I am at a very dangerous and significant crossroads in my life. During abstinence, I experienced what it feels like to have money and not need to spend it. I saved, invested and generally the worry of money/debt was insignificant and not a regular thought. Now, I am back to acting like a maniac sitting with a calculator every available minute trying to work out losses/wins/how to get it all back etc.

Today, I am not in debt. If I lose next week the amount I have lost this week I will be in a debt and in a world of chasing my way back. Mentally, I am in a world of torture but nothing compared to the mental torture that will come my way with one large loss and a deficit that will burden my every thought over and over and over again.

So here it is. I have the chance to take preventative action before it is too late. Me 4 and a half years would have chewed his own face off to be in the position that I am in now. I just need the courage to accept where I am and the confidence to know that I have been here before and that I know the way out.

Tomso

Hi Tomso,

Welcome back wish it was under better circumstances, I remembered reading you diary a few years ago and it giving my some great inspiration. I’ve just read your first and last few posts, get yourself back to the rooms they seem to have had a huge impact on you and the GA members will be delighted to see you back.

Probably due to the lessons you’ve learnt from there you have not got into the financial mess just yet but as you say carry on and that is inevitable.

Get back active on the forum lots of new people who can learn from your experiences and still a few old faces you will recognise hanging about.

KTF

Dear Diary,

I’ve been reading through old postings tonight which has been good for me.

I have struggled to get to sleep this past week but after accepting my fate today I finally feel exhausted and looking forward to a great nights sleep.

I plan on having a nice day tomorrow. Going to try and get to the gym in the morning and start my day well. I need to get back to taking care of my body and my head will follow in time.

Most importantly, just because I’ve decided today that I need to stop gambling doesn’t mean that I will not want to gamble tomorrow. I expect harsh urges to come my way be it tomorrow, the next day or next week. I know with certainty it’s hardest at the start and with continued abstinence it gets easier. So easy that one day will arrive when you stop thinking about gambling, money, worry or any other emotions that we experience. The only way to get there is going at it one day at a time. Tomorrow I will not gamble.

Tomso.

Dear Diary,

Easy day of not gambling today. An action that comes from posting and reading stories of others and focussing on the negatives that gambling brings which I am only too well aware of. Basically, I allowed myself to get sucked back in and I have been very foolish. I should have known better and should have had a great deal of respect and gratitude for my long term of abstinence.

In truth, I realised that I was in bother over the past week. This was a time when I once again lost the plot. By that I mean that I was playing roulette several times in the past week and although the machine was doing its absolute best to gift me money I simply could not walk away until I had lost everything. It’s a horrible thought to think that you completely lose the plot to the point that you do not care if you lose everything.

One of the worst things about returning to gambling for the past few months was the impact of some big wins which may seem strange but for 4 years I learned how to save money and valued the sacrifice required to make small savings. When you win in an hour what you used to save in 3 months it destroys those achievements. I can’t wait to get that normality back but that will take time.

Tomso

Hi Tomso... I relate to everything that you say. When in action we completely loose the value of money, I do anyway. The emotional rollercoaster I put myself through when going from a small amount of money to a large amount of money and then to nothing.... all in the space of a couple of hours in the bookies is horrendous. The damage done to mind body and soul is great. The ONLY solution is not to start. There is an inherent evil in gambling and its a killer.

Good to hear that you have caught it before your up to your eye balls in debt. I think you will get back on track, you know what to do and keep doing. Same goes for me. Regards.. S.A

Dear Diary,

Another day over. No urges or thoughts of gambling. My issue now is the short term mental struggle of accepting and coming to grips with what I’ve done again. Should have been a good day with wife and kids but it was far from it. Me not wanting to talk, appearing distant, not being particularly nice and generally moaning about how much money was being spent. Some cheek.

Not acted like this in a while. At the time I think I’m not to blame but my head is in a mess. I am furious with myself now. The best time of the year and I am missing it because I cannot open my eyes to the here and now.

I’ll leave it at that for tonight.

Tomso

Tomso
Fella I was gutted to read that active addiction had again become part of your life, for me it goes to show that no matter how much time is put between punts the return is equaling in its devastating outcome as the last maybe even more so mentally.
I have been there twice in the past nearly seven years since I first tried to come to terms with what gambling brought to my life.
I will say this never give up on giving up my friend, every day you Abstain your life will be gifted the opportunity that for us gambling takes away.
I did ponder whether this proposed limiting the maximum stake on the fobt would have had an effect on you personally.
Keep writing fella, don't punish yourself, addiction loves to try and isolate you so it can have more action.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey

I really resonated with your words. You seem like a stand up guy who fully understands the power and pain associated with this devastating addiction and have given it due respect for such a long time now... Something you should be proud of.

However maybe complacency set it or you put your guard down for just a second... If your recent posts have taught me anything it's that this addiction is SO patient and will bite you even when you think you've put enough distance between you and it.

Try and make it through this torturous 'quick fix' period... Remember if you attempt to punt back your losses it could go wrong... Your numbers could just not come in and the consequences would be devastating... Yes, devastating is no exaggeration I think you'd agree? (You've been there before right?)

devastation noun [ U ] (DAMAGE)
damage and destruction:

If disease is allowed to spread, it will cause widespread devastation.
The storm left behind it a trail of devastation.

No exaggeration right? You have a wife and kids... Please think before staking their future and your future with them on the next bet.

There is no quick-fix to this of course... Time, patience, respect for the addiction and attention to your thoughts and feelings at all times will help see you through :o)

You should be so so proud that you recognised the death grip this addiction can have once it manifests and jumped back on here for support when you did... You have already felt the pain and destruction gambling can cause some years ago... Don't let what has happened recently turn into one big merry-go-round to nowhere, back to square one so to speak... It can instead be a dip in a steady, gradual progression upwards if you want it to be that. Your future is in your hands... Make sure your success story remains a success, because 4 and a half years is no mean feat my friend. You've proved you're better than this horrible addiction so step up and be better than this horrible addiction.
Good luck mate. All the best.

Seary Diary,

Thank you for the time and effort to post on my diary. I am grateful for the advice and messages of support that I have received over the past few days.

I can only comment on how I feel today and I know that these feelings can change at any time, minute or second. Not gambling is an easy choice today. I’ve been like this in the past. Periods of mayhem followed by acceptance of defeat and a situation. Bizarre how acceptance can arrive one day when all others before were about chasing losses or trying to right wrongs.

My acceptance always comes the same way. It’s one thing to be unlucky but when you have a large win in the palm of your hand and cannot walk away not once but twice in two days then you can only accept that you were not of mental well being or of a rational state when you decided to carry on and lose it all. In the calm light of day I am almost fine with this, not quite but getting there. What if I had walked away. Where would I be today. What would I have done yesterday. How long until my next period of acceptance? How many weeks or months would have passed? What would the extent of damage have been? All questions that I will never have the answers to. Today, I didn’t gamble and that should be the focus. Sometimes losing is more important than winning.

Tomso.

You nailed it my friend. Today you didn't gamble...

Hey... Look at all the questions you asked yourself (all perfectly reasonable I might add):

What if I had walked away. Where would I be today. What would I have done yesterday. How long until my next period of acceptance? How many weeks or months would have passed? What would the extent of damage have been?

Answers to those questions are unattainable. Who knows... As you yourself said...

All questions I will never have the answers to.

Would you have walked back at some stage and done your load? Who knows... Maybe, maybe not.

Now I put this to you. Stay off a bet... One day at a time... Will your life be better than it is now and things hopefully go back to how they were before? answer Absolutely. Nailed on. No grey there my friend.
Take the latter option with absolute certainty buddy :o) who knows what might have been, or could be... we don't know... But with the latter option we know what CAN BE. Take it.

Maybe I'm writing all this more for my own therapy rather than yours... I guess hearing a story of 4.5 years off a bet then succumbing has really rattled me... And maybe that's a d**n good thing. For that I thank you for coming on here and being sincere and honest with what has happened to you. I hope you can shape your future the way you want it from here. Those S****y thoughts you're having now are just thoughts and will weaken over time. Go steady mate.

Dear Diary,

Another day over. Another day closer to Christmas holidays. I have been looking forward to this coming Thursday when I stop work for months. I love the crimbo holidays more than anything. I’ve stopped gambling in time. The regret and remorse is diminishing and it’s time to relax, have fun and appreciate that with young kids these are the greatest of times and should be appreciated and enjoyed to the max.

Tomso.

Dear Diary,

I came back on the forum late December to report that I had started gambling again in August of last year after total abstinence of over 4 years. Two days after my last post I went to a casino on my Christmas night out and I’ve been playing roulette ever since. The wins got bigger and with that, in the past 48 hours the losses got bigger. Here I find myself very scared, full of regret and worried about the prospect of finding a way to fight this addiction once again.

After a terrible loss yesterday I leave for work today without my bank card taking away any possibility of chasing my loss. I get home from work, spend ten minutes with the family and go straight out to a bookies to play roulette only to match yesterday’s losses.

For me, words are cheap. I come on here and say all the right things but for the past 6 months I haven’t made any attempts to stop at all. Coming here feeling sorry for myself only to chase within days is utterly ridiculous.

I cannot believe I am back to counting days starting tomorrow. Arrogantly, after over 1000 days of being gamble free I almost feel to good to be doing this. In truth, absolutely, I am back to the start and at the start I began here adding up the days proudly on my diary feeling better and better as each day passed.

I have embarrassed myself greatly in my local bookies over the past few days. Not by behaving badly which isn’t my way but by being visible sat at a machine feeding hundreds and hundreds into a machine. With desperation, I found myself talking out loud in earshot of anyone sitting close by. The people behind the counter will surely be talking about me and judging my ridiculous behaviour. I am sure they’ve witnessed it all before.

I need to do this now. I’ve worked ever so hard in the past at putting this addiction to bed. In that time, I had more money, I was a calmer, happier person who could be genuinely grateful for the things that I had because they came from honest hard work and not gained from chance on a spinning wheel.

I must stop this now. I simply must put the effort in to stop this now. Now is recoverable. Later it may not be. That is enough for tonight. Oh what I would give to go back to last August. I would give anything go back to that day and make a better choice. If you read this and you are doing well regardless of one week or one year abstinence protect it - you are on a journey - don’t give that up for anything.

Tomso