Re-building My Life

Dear Diary,

1915hrs - sitting in my jammies. No going out tonight.

I have been giving my recent episode some deep thought today as you do. I’ve learned through experience not to beat yourself up too bad. You need to bounce back, find some positivity and start over. I am compulsive and with that capable of hurting myself (emotionally not physically). This ability lies within.

Like most others I return to the forum after a devastating loss. It takes that or to have run out of funds to finally stop, breathe and realise it’s over. With that in mind, since gambling last August until now there has only been two occasions when I have lost control and lost money which could not be lost. I was thinking about this today because I was reading lots and this is a continued theme. We could win for months and lose everything in one uncontrollable binge. I passed the stage of caring last night. That way when you realise that you had the chance to leave but didn’t and now no matter what you do you will not win but continue anyway as if it doesn’t matter. That exact ability to hurt yourself.

I lost twelve hundred pounds last night because I could withdraw twelve hundred pounds. If I had access to five grand I would have kept going. No matter what we win we will always find a way to lose. It’s that simple.

Ive arrogantly went on in the past about I’ve been here before and I know what to do but that’s all nonsense. I quit gambling through going to GA meetings and the shame of confessing all to my parents and I don’t want to do either again. This scares me. History shows that I was not able to stop long term on my own. I have history of stopping for anything from 50 days to six months only to return and repeat. Only GA meetings made me stop. Better than stop it took away all urges from Day 1. I stopped going before the end of the first year. Still, I don’t want to go back.

No gambling today.

Tomso

Dear Diary,

Head down and busy busy today. No urge to gamble. Crazy how that happens. I couldn’t wait to get on a roulette wheel Sunday/Monday. Totally consumed with the idea and two days later no desire to play whatsoever.

Anyway, not much to say tonight. I hope everyone is well.

Tomso

Morning fella
I related wholly to what you have written with regards to your latest episode of gambling, too many times I gambled all that was available and given the opportunity I would have gone on.
Strangely those episodes ended with me trying to lose, to getting it over and done with, a mental state of resignation that with complete loss somehow things would become better.
For me the outcome was that by creating a problem that would need my undivided attention would mean that I would escape the problems mentally that I was running from.
Financial issues have for me been the easiest to resolve, it's the emotional and mental issues that take a greater depth of effort.
Why would you not want to walk back into the room that brought you a greater period of abstinence?
Shame?
Because from this side of the fence the only shame would be to not walk back through the door.
It is often said that door to addiction revolves.
Along side that this forum for me gives a great deal of therapy.
Glad you are contributing again, I hope that your resolve grows for it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear Diary,

Note to self. In order to quit gambling one must be proactive in finding healthy alternatives that both stimulate the mind and generally fill voids while leaving a feeling of contentment. Eating multi packs of McCoys and full packets of hob nobs will not achieve this.

Tomorrow, get to the gym lazy, go for a run, read a book, take a bath and cook a nice meal for your family. Today isn’t recovery. It’s the laziest minimum effort required and it’s not sustainable.

No gambling today.

Tomso.

Be kind yo yourself...Yesterday may not have been recovery but it was abstaining & for us, that can be like climbing a mountain!

Hope you have a bit more strength today.

Dear Diary,

Went to boxing training for an hour this morning and felt great afterwards. That feeling has stayed with me. Feel calm and relaxed and hoping to enjoy a nice weekend.

I find it so hard to schedule the gym into a regular and consistent pattern. I would love to be able to do this 5 or 6 times per week. Seems a lot but surely I can find time for an hour a day.

Not going to gamble today.

Tomso

Dear Diary,

Decent day today. Took the kids swimming and went for some lunch. Went for a very long walk and had a bit of an adventure today.

No logic to an addicted gamblers mind. I spent less than £30 today and it was bothering me a little having to do so. I spent hundreds and hundreds last weekend for nothing in return only regret and brutal memories. The kids had a great time today. Perspective.

No gambling today.

Tomso.

Dear Diary,

Relaxed day today. Wife out at a baby shower for a friend and not back til later tonight.

Went a run with my eldest son this morning up a very big hill with some fabulous views. This afternoon we went to a park and now we are just about to watch the fourth Harry Potter movie with popcorn, Doritos and chocolates.

No gambling today.

Tomso

Hi tomso, in the nicest possible way I'm sorry sorry to see you back here. Firstly we'll done in the 4 years that's fantastic and yes your fell back to some old ways but the knowledge of those 4 years being bet.free will help this time around, keep doing what you need to do,blocks and barriers and just keep it up. I'm in a similar boat and I think I just got complacent.

I just read through an old diary of mine 2012/2013 (username was Dave999) you helped me then, so thank you, ultimately I've had so many slips since but hopefully I've had my last and hopefully that is true for you also.

Dear Diary,

I find myself really struggling today. Not with gambling addiction and/or gambling thoughts but with life itself. I feel unbelievably low and totally devoid of any motivation for life. I really need to sort this out but I just cannot get myself going.

All weekend and so far today I have ate the most hideous amounts of garbage and even although I know how bad it will make me I continue to do this. Sometimes, I feel as though I am on the wrong forum. Do I have a gambling problem or do I gamble to escape from something else that eats away at me not allowing me to deal with life in a normal way. There is no doubt that I have replaced one issue with another in the past week.

I honestly struggle with being content. I need to have something or to do something. I don't know when this started or how it started but I've got now idea what is wrong with me but it is something.

I find myself in a vicious circle at the moment. I know that I need regular exercise to make myself feel good but I cannot get myself to do this because I feel so d**n tired all the time. I go to my bed exhausted and either struggle to fall asleep or wake up at ridiculously early times.

I won't gamble today but I know that I need to find something healthy and productive to fill this massive void and I need to do so quickly.

Tomorrow is another day. Nobody knows for sure that tomorrow might not be the greatest day of my life.

Tomso.

Tomso
Fella Reading your last post was for me like taking a page out of my own life say three years ago, I was making all the right noises to the world, I was abstinent from gambling, to everyone outside of my own mind I was ok, well maybe Better than that.
The truth is I hadn't dealt with myself, my inner feelings were the same, in some ways I was in a worse place because I didn't have gambling to escape to. I ate too much, drank too much and took a phenomenal amount of pharmaceutical drugs just to get through a day.
Inwardly I felt like I was stood still whilst the world raced by.
I gambled again to escape and for it I believe that I felt even more lost, maybe because I could actually see gambling for what it was and not the fable addiction kept selling it to me as.
To create change I had to take my life to the brink, I believed that I would be a better person dead.
That is a terrible place to be my friend, today I understand how to recognise my emotions and like you I need self motivation to feel.
Good and bad that is life is it not, it for me today is about deciding what is worthwhile and will keep me looking forward.
You are for me suffering with a gambling hangover, addiction tells you that you don't have an addiction and you don't need help, yet your inner self screams that you have seen what a life without active gambling offers.
You are here for the right reason
Tomso.
Ride the storm fella, eat junk, run, sleep, read, watch meaningless or meaningful tv, because you will through abstinence create opportunity.
A greater one than you will if you answer gamblings call.
A path lays ahead yes it will have potholes and dogsh##t along it, life as I say is like that.
Fella I believe today that to find contentment we do so by dealing with hardship and pain both physically and mentally.
As our shiny friend often said keep on keeping on.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear Diary,

Nice post from DMac above. I always appreciate his thoughtful words.

Anyway, just keeping on moving forward. No gambling and eventually the days add up and things will get better. Patience is not something that I am blessed with. I often think back to my long period of abstinence and how things were so much better. That is true but you only remember the good bits. I can’t remember how long it took for things to actually become better. This probably took months. I last had a bet 9 days ago. What do I expect. As I said I am not blessed with patience.

One thing I do recall about G.A. Was listening to folk talk about gratitude and the impact that had on me. Gratitude is an important part of recovery. To be grateful for the good and important things you have in your life is positive thinking and it steers you away from negative thoughts.

Tomso

Dear Diary,

Another day over without gambling. I’m at peace with the money I lost 11 days ago. Not happy about it but it no longer consumes my every thought.

Playing football this weekend which I love and looking forward to and I’m going to really make an effort to enjoy my whole weekend and be grateful for that time away from the stresses of work.

As the worry of my recent loss has subsided in the past few days I have really noticed a huge difference in the improved quality of my sleep. All good positive things.

Tomso.

Dear Diary,

I had a gambling dream last night. I have read about people having these but can’t recall if I’ve ever had one. It doesn’t affect me but worth putting down on my diary. It woke me up in the middle of the night. Very vivid. I could recall everything that happened in that dream.

I am aware that I often become quite repetitive on my diary. My words are for me and no-one else. I only mention this because I read through some entries on my diary and was quite embarrassed at some of the things I’d posted. Some comments were ridiculous and others could have offended others reading them. I once stated that I don’t believe gambling addiction is an illness. Also, I referred to rock bottom as a financial thing. I see now how utter ridiculous that is. Rock bottom is more likely to be an emotional issue I.e. feelings it total hopelessness or worse felling of suicide. I didn’t mean to offend. I was instead ignorant, pig headed and altogether stupid. You live and you learn. I can’t begin to understand how others feel or how this addiction has affected them in ways that I may not have experienced.

Anyway, about me and my thoughts. I want recovery. This is where I walk the fine line of upsetting other readers. When I first came here several years ago I listened, learned and took on board all the advice I could possibly take in. I would advise any newcomers to do this absolutely. But, during my time at G.A. I met many wonderful people who were in RECOVERY and others who were just off a bet. I met people who would come into rooms with 20 years off a bet - but they still couldn’t carry money or have a bank card. I did not and do not judge these people but they were the same now as they were 20 years ago only difference is they didn’t gamble. They should be congratulated and not criticised for their abstinence but I want more.

I go about my daily life with full access to money, bank cards, credit cards etc. I could gamble at any moment and nobody would know. I choose to live life this way. To have the option to do bad but the choice to do good.

I think the key is to find happiness and contentment in life and then you won’t want to or need to gamble. We are on a gambling forum because gambling is our problem. Others mask life issues with drugs, alcohol, excessive food, stealing, cheating by having affairs etc. I escape from life through gambling. In order to stop gambling I must find my way to deal with life. Or not. I could abstain from gambling and ten years from now find myself wondering why I am the only unhappy person in a room full of happy people. Or why I continue to not appreciate the here and now - the small stuff. My wife has an amazing ability to appreciate and enjoy small things. I want that. I want recovery.

I am a million miles from recovery truth be told. I think I know the answer and I think much of that is based around self discipline. At times like this I focus so much time and energy around gambling addiction. So much time spent on this forum. What if I had the discipline and drive to focus time doing the stuff that makes me happy and doing the stuff that mentally makes us feel good. Surely then there would be no need to escape from anything. Sleep well, eat well exercise not too much but just enough. Read, learn, try new things. Surely these are key to happy lives. Surely this is recovery and only doing the norm is organised chaos without gambling.

These are just my thoughts and not designed to hurt or belittle anyone else’s hard work and comittment. What do I know anyway I last bet 12 days ago.

Tomso.

Dear Diary,

My crazy wife had a meltdown this morning. God forbid someone finished the porridge. Shouting, yelling general craziness. All my fault. I raced to the supermarket to purchase Porridge in bulk. Not enough. The ten minutes taken to do this caused her to miss church - another meltdown.

I get the kids ready and out we go leaving crazy to enjoy a day of rest and relaxation. We go to a museum, soft play, McDonald’s and then a Forrest trail walk. I come home and wife is sorry - says she is tired. Fair doos.

Only I now sit unhappy. I had plans today which I had to cancel. Life is tough. God forbid she had to have weetabix, Rice crispiest or any one of the other six cereal types we have in the cupboard. Perhaps some toast or boiled eggs FFS.

This is when recovery becomes difficult. At first you think about you and what you can do but Recovery has to be on guard to take into account for others close to you or at work. Sometimes we feel bad or go in bad moods due to things outside our control. The easiest thing to do this morning was storm off out the house and go and lose myself deep in a roulette machine. Today is just a day. Not a great day but not a terrible day. Kids had a great time.

PS Note to crazy wife. God sees everything. He knows you didn’t not go to church today because of lack of porridge or time. You didn’t go because you went boozing with friends, got home to late and couldn’t be arsed.

Anyway, I can smell a lovely smell of Sunday dinner drifting upstairs so perhaps she is trying to make amends.

Tomso