Re-building My Life

Many reason's you could have gambled today , I'm glad you didn't but Porridge being one of them is a new one on me :)) ,Lifes daily event's seem to all get mixed up and thrown around in a big washing machine sometimes all squashed together but then usually after the spin and a while to dry out they usually look pretty good again .

It's a shame God hasn't provided " Porridge with added paracetamol " for a breakfast after the night before :)).

Enjoy your Sunday dinner : ))

Yo,

Just popped my head around the corner to say one day at a time , try not to look back over your shoulder. Guilt just seems to give the addiction more power . Unlike some peeps who come here you know you can do this , so believe in you, set up new spread sheets and stamp all over those pesky urges . Be kind to you Shiny 🙂

Dear Diary,

So lovely to hear from Shiny today. She was like my Fairy Godmother when I first arrived here back in 2012.

The irony of Shiny posting today is so bizarre. She was an old head steeped in knowledge and experience when I was a newbie who didn’t have a clue. All I wanted to do back then was to stop gambling but I didn’t know the first thing about addiction. I didn’t believe in my naive wildest dreams that I would relapse several times after semi long periods of abstinence. I relapsed a few days after going 100 days for the first time and I relapsed only a few weeks prior to going a full year for the first time. Probably brutal times but the truth is I can’t recall any of it.

The above takes me to my next point. I recently abstained for over four years and with being a human being I can only recall the good times. I recall the gratitude of being honest, not lying or being sneaky. I recall being grateful at not having to lie about lateness or my whereabouts. I recall having and saving money and freely spending that money on special occasions for my wife and kids. I recall the joy of paying off debts until they were gone. I recall being calm, patient having less anger and not finding myself in dark moods.

What I do not recall is the hardship of the early stages. I have no recollection of the first three days, three weeks, three months or even getting to my first year. I don’t recall the struggle whatsoever. My diary can’t help me because it isn’t an honest account of my emotions. It’s not that I’m a liar. When in troubled times I tend to write in a positive manner because I believe positive thoughts brings positive action. Conversely, I believe negative thinking leads to negative action. So my early diary entries focus on the good bits and how much better I felt.

If anyone asked me to detail my thoughts and emotions two weeks ago when I last gambled I could have filled 20 pages. Two weeks on I could maybe fill half a page. Already my memories have diluted and reduced. One year from now I’d probably summarise it as “a bad day”. Time is a healer. I feel better today than I did 2 weeks ago. Two months from now I will feel better than I do today and two years from now I’ll be buzzing and ready to take on the world again.

One day at a time.

Tomso.

Yo, interesting thoughts , when I had my first daughter that following day like most women swore I would never ever go through labour again. But time heals, forgot how much it hurt and three years later had another child. Was in recovery for 5 years , life got better and although remembered how hard it was in rehab , a lot of the negative emotions I felt left me. Maybe part of the reason I relapsed , who knows . This time I when I came clean to my brother I emailed my brother , it’s an email I kept and from time to time reread . The rawness of how low I felt, the shame , the guilt the desperation of feeling powerless and needing his help there in black and white . So on one hand I agree with you about positivity , Dunc seems to be the master at writing positive posts , but somewhere I wonder should there be something to remind oneself the pain we self inflicted maybe as a deterrent .. don’t know just my thoughts .

Anyways thank you for your kind words , together we will keep this dam addiction at bay. Stay strong , and be kind to you.

Shiny 🙂

Mindgames are a b***h, especially in the early phases. Since you have childrent it might help to think of your brain as a toddler - toddler wants candy (or a toy, or whatever) and is ready to to go great excess (screaming, crying) to get candy, but if you just say no toddler will calm down and move on. Until next time, and next time, and... after a while the crying and screaming episodes become shorter to more or less disappear completely.

The adult brain works in a similar (albeit much more advanced) way when it comes to addiction. Brain wants release of sweet dopamine, brain throws tantrum, but if you just say no, after a while the tantrums become less frequent and shorter, only to almost dissipate completely efter a while.

Tomso wrote: I think the key is to find happiness and contentment in life and then you won’t want to or need to gamble.

I do not think this is true, although it helps. However, when I was the happiest I have ever been (at least for a longer period of time) I still had quite a major drinking problem, it did not go away due to happiness. Perhaps was less likely to show the more ugly sides of it.

Tomso wrote: We are on a gambling forum because gambling is our problem. Others mask life issues with drugs, alcohol, excessive food, stealing, cheating by having affairs etc. I escape from life through gambling. In order to stop gambling I must find my way to deal with life. Or not. I could abstain from gambling and ten years from now find myself wondering why I am the only unhappy person in a room full of happy people.

This I completely agree with. There are ways to change one´s mentality (although it takes time, is hard and is not failsafe) and this is the most important part of recovery, at least in my humble opinion. While cutting off access to cash etc can be a life-saver in the short-term, I feel that long-term recovery should be focused on the underlying issues and to changing one´s mindset.

Stopping gambling (or drinking, or any other destructive addiction) should be approached as a positive decision, not something negative, or that something has been taken away from you. For example, instead of thinking "What am I to do? I can´t gamble! Life sucks!" a healthier way to approach it is "Isn´t it great that I used to be forced to gamble, but am no longer required to put cash in the machines?"

This, of course, is hard to achieve, especially since the brain is a deceitful b*****d, however it certainly is worth trying - the goal should be to be free without feeling like s**t, without consistant cravings and feelings of loss. It is hard to lead a happy life if you are constantly craving something you can´t have. (Of course, massive cravings are natural in the beginning and should be accepted as a matter of fact.)

Hi Tomso, I found some comfort reading through this diary and was ecstatic as you progressed through so many days, albeit the small relapse.

I'm on day 3 of a similar relapsing, rock bottom, relapse, rock bottom 20 year story. It's the same story as everyone.

I have started my own diary, as I believe it will help, and I have given the link to my mom to follow my progress, so I know someone close to me is reading my deepest thoughts, fears and worries.

I do think, like your friend at GA who still attends after 30 years, that dedication and recognition to the problem must stay for life.

I have found, in my own failures that you recover, draw a line under everything, try to live a normal life again and at some point you forget all about the gambling past.

And then boom, it's back.

It's like you recover enough to forget, and by forgetting, you relapse. And it's a vicious circle.

I will continue to follow this diary and I hope both our diaries reach to 30 years 🙂

My rule is that if I stop posting my diary, it means there's a problem. I havent figured out what my limit is, but I think I will tell my mom (or any friends I find on this site), if I haven't posted for 7 days, consider me relapsed.

Does that sound like an idea others have tried?

Thanks again tomso. I believe in you.

Dear Diary,

The forum is a hotbed of debate and strong opinions tonight. Not that I want to bring any drama to my peaceful diary but it has led me to think of some key things. Things that I’ve read in the past few days and things that I encountered at GA four years ago. Is absolute openness and honesty the only correct path?

I understand why people believe total openness is the way to go but is it the way to go for someone working in the financial sector or in a job handling cash? Say you work in a shop behind a til and you are open about being a CG and weeks down the line management is aware that money is missing from the til. Would even the most open minded manager not jump to the wrong conclusion over who is guilty.

When I told my wife just over 4 and a half years ago I recognised many things. Number 1, me telling her did me the world of good because the stress of keeping such an overwhelming secret was taking its toll. It did not do her any good. She is not designed to cope with such devastating news. Number 2, my wife can be an out of control shopaholic. This new information gave her license to spend at will for a while because I no longer had any right to criticise anyone about reckless spending. Number 3, my dad is very old fashioned who never gambled. In his mind gamblers are degenerates who cannot be trusted with money. I have no doubt whatsoever that I’ll be receiving no cash inheritance from his will many, many years from now when the Chief heads off to heaven.

The only platform I have to discuss my gambling issues is here and that works for me. I don’t want my worries to become something that my wife worries about. I’m happy to share her worries but I was designed for stress. I am a calm head in an emergency while she runs about like a headless chicken in blind panic screaming like a banshee. God love her.

We all tackle our issues in our own way. What works for some may not suit others.

When I first arrived here I just thought I had to stop gambling. Simple. It’s not simple. It’s a journey. It takes practice. You make mistakes along the way and you learn from them quickly and ensure you don’t make the same mistake again.

My goal remains the same - to live a normal, happy life all the while being a CG but not allowing that fact to affect the ones that I love and care about the most. Is that possible? Of course it is. Anything is possible. I did it today without any issues whatsoever.

No gambling today.

Tomso.

We all want that life tomso. I hope you achieve it. I hope I do to

Tomso, understood everything of your last post, including the concept of living a happy life whilst being a CG and managing it. Thats the keyz understanding the demon within, embracing it and chaining it down.

I haven't told my wife, precisely for the reasons you outlined, I foresee major worries for her and she doesn't deserve that.

I'm lucky I have another outlet in my Mom. This combination, I'm highly confident will work, because dear God, I don't want to hurt my wife or child, emotionally or financially. I'm blessed I have my Mom, whom I have emotionally hurt throughout this, but she is an ox who overcomes stressful situations in an instant. In all my stupid gambling, this is the lucky card that life has dealt me. I'm crazy not to take this.

Yes, too much debate tonight, it can be counterproductive, I should stick my diary and my lane, but I couldn't help comment on yours.

Here's for a good day for you tomorrow!

Yo,

Shame on you ! Enabling my addictions and probs your own . As addicts we make excuses to explain away our compulsive behaviour . Message to higher power, it was not fault I ate a whole box of quality street in under an hour , it’s Cadbury because they shrunk the box , the sweets ,so I am only eating the same as I did 5 years ago , . Lol. ....."........you did make me laugh and I totally agree everything got smaller , look at the size of a curly Wurly outrage ,,

Little boys just gone to sleep so without tempting fate this could be an all nighter like last night, sleep well and thank you for making me laugh . Shiny 🙂

Dear Diary,

On reading another diary I stumbled across some words about compulsive behaviour which made me think about this for a while.

Compulsive - irreristable urge.

I'm compulsive but as I read elsewhere why is that that our urges are never healthy urges. So interesting. If its food then why bad food.

I am in the process of switching one problem to another. Same routine as I've carried out over the years. Since my relapse of two weeks ago I have eaten a shockingly bad amount of rubbish food. I have put on half a stone in that time and feel physically awful. Has it been compulsive? I think so but I'm not too sure. It wasn't an urge that was banging away inside my head. It was more like mindless eating and once started I couldn't stop. A bit like gambling when I lose control - mindless and once started I couldn't stop.

On other threads I have spoken about recovery and I have admitted that I am a million miles away from recovery at the moment. That is true, not really fine but I'm only two weeks since my last relapse and there is only so much someone can deal with at any one time. Having said that, procrastination is a character defect that many CG suffer from. Every day for two weeks I have promised myself that tomorrow I will eat healthy and tomorrow I will defo start going to the gym again. Each day comes, I do the same as yesterday and make the same promises for tomorrow. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

When I compare myself to someone in recovery the person in recovery is working at correcting their procrastination problem because they know if they stop putting things off to tomorrow and start doing them today things will get a whole lot better quickly.

I firmly believe that I would benefit tremendously from eating better and excercising during this semi-difficult time. In a way, I want to do this just to see what other crazy compulsion I may move onto next. Or would I move onto a new crazy compulsion. Maybe the above is the answer to my problems and I will begin to feel better about myself. I will never find out if I keep putting it off until tomorrow.

No gambling today. Life is flying by at a ridiculously fast pace.

Tomso.

Yo, are still not smoking? I remember many years ago you gave that up at the start of your recovery . I do find this topic very interesting , so my thoughts are, you start going to the gym and eating more veg, does that then turn into your compulsion . Be it starting moderately but then grows to a level when it’s not health . Don’t get me wrong( not that you would :-)) because I think that it a good idea to get healthy , like I said the whole idea of how we create all things in moderation is intriguing. ........Shiny x

Thanks for your response Shiny.

To answer your question. I quit smoking cigarettes by vaping. I still vape. I quite enjoy it truth be told. I didn’t enjoy cigs.

Reference the other stuff. My days of thinking I can train like Rocky and eat like a super model are long gone but there is only so long you can eat 6 packets of crisps one after the other and full packets of biscuits before realising that this isn’t productive in helping myself feel better.

I don’t need to go to the gym everyday to be fit but I should be able to make the sacrifice to get there 2 or 3 times a week if I believe it will benefit my situation.

What I’m doing is waiting for a fall. A reason to gamble. In my head I don’t believe I will gamble but as I’ve said plenty of times before I’ve been here before I know how actions are determined by feeling good about yourself compared to feeling bad about yourself. I could at least try.

I am currently sitting typing this with my running gear on and will be running in about two minutes. No doubt I’ll be back on here later tonight reporting on how fabulous and revitalised I feel.

Tomso

Dear Diary,

Good to go for a run tonight. Nothing too serious. Just a nice 30 minutes out there in the dark with the wind in my face. Fresh, clean air flowing through my body. Result - feeling quite good about myself as I sit here eating my biscuits.

Tomso