Read my last page.... how could I?!!

Hi Helen

I relapsed in literally the exact same way, try not to take it to hard as the casinos know exactly what they are doing, just last night I got a phone call from a casino saying due to inactivity they have given me 100 free, I told them to close my account instantly. The casinos know we are abstaining from gambling and will try anything to get us to deposit again. Our road to success isn't a straight one, we will fall off at times but as long as we keep going then that it the real test of our character. Wish you all the best.

Thanks for you kind comments Jim. I would be very grateful if you (and anyone else) would follow my diary by way of encouragement? I so desperately need to beat this thing! Thanks. X

Hi Helen

I have done the same thing as you in the past with the bonus thing. Once we start we cannot stop. I have self excluded from all the sites I used this time and that is definitely helping me to abstain.

I wish you luck in your recovery and hope we can both support one another through this.

Best wishes

Tee jay x

Thanks Teejay! Stay in touch and the best of luck to you! I will totally exclude from all sites soon as husband out and I have time to myself. Gotta keep busy. MUST exclude before Monday.... will have some funds in bank but desperately needed for my debts. Have to be positive.

Am still on my first day but felt I wanted to post. I am so preoccupied with gambling it hurts my head! Going to a BBQ in a min so sorts that out for a while. I was doing well till last night and few glasses of wine plus my bonus from slots put an end to that hence still day one! I must remember to go bed at proper time and read my book - it's very funny and wish I'd done that last night instead of waking up at 3 4 and 5am with the panic attacks and sweating..... all the worry. Will post later.

Day 2

Hello diary - I want to say I haven't thought about gambling and the joyous spin of those wheels. It's on my mind the whole time. It's only day 2 and if I had available funds, I would have spent up last night! However, I slept well (even with my debt worries) no panic attacks or the awful sickly feeling of "why why why!!!" The post-gambling feeling is hideous and it will be good for me to remember it when I get the urge. Tomorrow, I have money in my bank account. It usually goes out again within a few hours followed by panic, moods and bad temper. No-one knows....I just struggle thru myselfJUST GOTTA REMEMBER THE AWFUL FEELINGS AFTER GAMBLING! I wish I had come to this site so much sooner than I did....knowing I wasn't alone in this fight has helped enormously. So many people from all walks of life whose lives delicately balance on the brink of destruction....all for a spin! I have to get this sorted. I hope that the cheque I sent my darling granddaughter for her birthday doesn't bounce (if it hasn't already)! HOW SELFISH AM I? My loving husband who thinks my gambling stopped 5years ago when he bailed me out but still tops up my bank account to pay off debts which I jiggle around so that I can gamble! HOW SELFISH AM I? Deceiving, lying, conniving, sneaky....HOW VERY SELFISH am I!! Ok - I MUST remember these feelings - keep reading the diaries - Get to bed at a decent time - keep reading books - get plenty of fresh air - Reinvent my diminished social life !! Sounds easy eh? It better be - I'm in "last chance saloon!" LETS SEE!!

Hi Helen

Welcome aboard this roller coaster ride that is recovery

Very well done on day 2

I can relate to everything you are saying regarding OH kids and grand kids and birthdays etc

I have had to forgo all these special occasions since before last Xmas because I was too much in the oblivion of gambling I played every second I could without giving any consequences a thought

You are not on your own in this

I wish you all the very best in being able to abstain and maintain one day at a time

There is a triangle used on this forum

TIME MONEY LOCATION take one away and it's impossible to play

Don't be too hard on yourself and be SELFISH when it comes to abstaining use every barrier you can think of because WE CANNOT WIN because we CANNOT STOP

And at the end of the day gambling is a total waste of our lives money time and sanity

Small steps and forget yesterday it's gone

Keep posting and reading it really helps me

Gambling is always on my mind too but not to gamble anymore to keep abstaining

Well done again on day 2 here's to day 3

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Thanks Suzanne for those words of encouragement - helps enormously! I will keep the "triangle" in my head and keep busy .... MUST forget about the thousands I have lost .... so depressing. I wish I had sought help so much sooner. I can see that this site will be my lifeline - I shall keep myself busy on it! I have been playing "words with friends" on Facebook.... it's very addictive but it's FREE and keeps the brain ticking over. You're doing very well but you're wise enough to know that complacency leads to a fall!! I hope that WE, together with all the other tormented souls using this site can beat this awful addiction. I can't believe I let myself get this far - I should be loaded, content and happy. Will take me years to pay off my debts. I'm 63 and have awful thoughts - if I died and my husband was to see what a state my bank account is in -'he wouldn't come to my funeral!!! My strategy at the moment is reminding myself of the feeling I'm left with 'post-gamble' --- makes me feel sick.... palpitations etc. dedication to housework tomorrow! .... thanks again and will chat soon. X

This is my 3rd day without gambling. I have had no money in my bank account so it's been fairly easy so far even tho slots have been on my mind. Today I checked my bank balance and I have funds which will NOT see me through until the end of the month. The temptation of course, as you know, is to gamble and hope for a large financial injection into my bank account. Of course I know that even if I win, I'll plough it back into the slot coz I want MORE! Even tho I don't have enough to get me through the month, it's still more than if I gamble it!! That's logic eh? If anyone is reading this - here are my tips so far - this is my personal strategy to avoid gambling:-

1. Stay away from lap top (only using my IPhone and it's not set up for gambling.

2. Frequently logging into this site reading other posts and posting more myself.

3. As a Facebook user, I play "Words with Friends"... it's addictive but free and very competitive.

4. When I feel an urge to gamble, I remind myself of the hideous feeling I am left with when I have gambled! Nothing in the bank, debts to pay, panic attacks, night sweats, crying,'despairing.

5. Am getting myself to bed at a decent time rather than sitting up till 3am gambling! And losing! Then going to bed and hating myself as I whisper a ton of obscenities at having lost MORE money!

Today will be the first time in years, money has gone into my account and it's still there 3 hours later! I VOW it will still be there tomorrow .... give or take paying a debt or two. For the past few days (gamble-free) I already feel better both physically and emotionally. I am sleeping better which is a good start. I feel less resentment towards my husband (he doesn't know about my problem) who has a comfortable life and I've been jealous of his gamble-free life for years!! All of the above pointers take up a lot of my time which leaves me less time to indulge in this destructive hideous addiction. I WILL NOT GAMBLE!! Thanks for reading this rambling diary - I hope it helps someone out there who may be interested. Take care! NO COMPLACENCY!! X

Hi Helen,

Well done on day 3,

I relate a lot with your diary and lots could have been written by me. Your tips are very helpful , stay focused and take it one day at a time.

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Helen

What a strong positive post very well done

Day 3 and your mindset is changing

You know to go backwards will only make things a lot worse

And yes you are sooo right this is a HIDEOUS destructive addiction

Keep going stay strong and focused and positive you are on your way

Suzanne xx

Hi Helen

So glad you are sounding so much more positive. The life of a gambler is full of so many regrets we must try not to dwell on the lost money and opportunities. A very good friend of mine returned to South Africa and, because of gambling, I couldn't afford to visit her before she went so I know I will never see her again in this lifetime. My partner has had a phone call this morning to say that his niece had her baby and it was stillborn. He has no money to fly over to support his family and, again because of gambling, I cannot help him even though I have a good job and earn good money.

I am not saying this for sympathy as I know on here we all have similar stories and have all missed out on life as it should be because of this awful addiction. We all know how it affects not only us but those around us.

I will be 60 in a few months and feel I have wasted the last 10 or more years of my life. Things could have been so different.

BUT, things are going too be different now. Money is tight, I can't afford to do things I would like to do, but it is far better than the hell I was living in before. I will be trying new (free) hobbies and re-visiting old ones to keep myself busy.

So, no regrets, look forward to a new, bright future.

We can do this.

"Life doesn't Get Easier. You Just get Stronger."

Elfie x

Hi Suzanne and Elfie! Thanks so much for your posts. I have wasted years of my life gambling.... Thousands of pounds gone. Of the loans I took out over the years I got back thousands in PPI refunds - blew that as well! What an absolute idiot - I only hope my husband never finds out. I have been so very devious! I've just come back from supermarket - Discount shops these days unlike my pre gambling days when I used to spend a fortune in M & S on food. I got serious urge to gamble so came on here instead. Read your posts and the urge has passed. Thank you! Helen. X

Hi Helen,

Its so encouraging to read your story and to see your resolve at beating this. Stay strong, you can do this!!

I havent been gambling long but I started to hear alarm bells and came on here. The stories sound so familiar to what Ive been doing and I am determined to not let it get any worse. Reading your posts makes me feel stronger so hopefully from now on we can help each other!!