Read my last page.... how could I?!!

Well done for resisting the urge!

take each day at a time and be proud you are on the way to reclaiming your life!

i think its fair to say many of us have been deceitful but I'm certain for many its the addiction not our real selves'. I to am ashamed of the things i have done, you are definitely not alone x

best wishes for another gambling free day!

Laura x

Hi Helen

Thanks for your message

You are dong really well and doing the right thing by coming on here when you get thoughts and urges it does help to keep them at bay

I find it quite rewarding in a strange way going to the discount shops and paying a lot less for the same item lol

Have a good gambling free day and stay strong and focused

Suzanne x

Oh Laura and Suzanne and everyone else who has been reading my diary ..... I am the original "know it all a******"!! Am full of great advice and giving it out! Rewarded myself with a "quick" 20 on slots last night.... that turned into 200!! God knows how I'll get to end of month now. I know I was doing well - I'm just plain STUPID! Not going to count the days anymore in my diary.... I will remember Aug 18th co that's when I had money in my account....got almost nothing now. Not enough to pay my months debts or to live on - got both sons birthdays end of month. SO SO SO sick - back this morning to that hideous shaky feeling. Can't tell anyone - desperate again! Sorry to ev one for letting you down - your words of encouragement were sincerely appreciated but, evidently, wasted on me! I'm hopeless and feel a lost cause. Should have thrown that bloody laptop thru the window. Typical - blaming the lap top eh? Course my gambling is nothing to do with my spineless weak-willed inability to get my life on track..... gotta *** this bloody addiction before I find myself homeless! Thanks for reading and SORRY again. Xx

Hey Helen... I have been watching your diary but hadn't got around to posting on it yet .. The advice and comments from the others was exactly what i was thinking so i didn't want to be cluttering it up with repeated comments. Don't be so hard on yourself about the slip.. I don't think that are too many in here who aren't guilty of doing the same.. It was very brave and honest to come on and admit it. I am guilty of the same. I will repeat what someone said on my diary and it makes good sense - as long as the option is there you will always gamble. I had to make sure that there were no bookies available to me to go and waste money on virtual horses and dogs. Since this option has been removed i haven't given it a second thought. While money worries are not an issue for me i don't think that i am in the best place to advice you on this but what i have done in the past and find it to have internet banking and have accounts for savings, bills and then just an account for your disposable income and that way you will always be able to check your money and have better control of it. IM waffling on a bit but just felt compelled to come by and say hello and keep you chin up!

Hi Helen, just wanted to say that although you have had a slip you have still made progress on your road to recovery, you have been honest with yourself and even managed to tell us, you have not lied which is one of the worst parts of this whole gambling. You need to set a goal this time when you reach day 4 you are right to reward yourself but plan ahead now on what it will be a meal out or something else

All the best and keep safe

Chris

Hi Chris and 'screwball' - I appreciate very much your words of encouragemt. Yesterday I installed the K9 blocker after excluding from all the sites I could think of. So far as my 'no money' situation goes - will have to come clean (partly anyway to my husband but daren't tell him the extent of my debts) - if I can get him to control my money at least it would get me onto an even keel. The worry of it is making me ill - no money for b'day presents at end of month. The only time I have refrained from gambling is when I have no money like now! I remember the days, long ago, when I had money in the bank and was pleasantly surprised when pay day came along to top it up! Those days of ecstasy - I am determined to get them back even though it will take me years to pay off my debts. I'm 63 - worry that if I die suddenly from this stress my poor husband would be horrified at the truth. I WILL NOT GAMBLE AGAIN! CAN NEVER WIN! Thank you for your thoughts and kind words - let's keep going. X

Helen

You have hit the nail on the head

I CANNOT WIN through gambling

I have had birthdays with grand kids son and OH over the lady 4 months and not bring able to buy them anything because of my selfish gambling

Another birthday beginning of September my little man (one of my grandsons who lives nearby)

I can actually buy him a pressie not a token but a pressie and that feels fantastic

Why because I have abstained for four long months now and the rewards are beginning to show

Keep abstaining one day at a time it's total s**t now but it will get better as long as you don't play

Keep strong and positive and keep posting

Suzanne x

Thanks Suzanne - if I can get husband to help me out this time then I VOW I will NOT return to gambling. I so wish I could start off with cash in the bank and KEEP it there! Am feeling a little more positive today and will stay that way as long as he helps me out of this mess. Will let you know..... Helen. X

Hi Helen

Hope it goes well for you with your husband. The hardest part is actually getting the words out. He has probably realised there is something wrong anyway.

Good luck.

Elfie x

Thanks Elfie.... will talk to him tomorrow when am feeling brave enough. Will post after s**t hits fan!! Take care. Helen x

Hiya all!! It's been a while since I posted. I was in a dreadful financial state (I still am tho seeing a light in the distance). I hadn't enough to money to get to the end of the month, didn't know what to do. Couldn't tell husband about the gambling but managed to bluff my way around it. Us gamblers are so very deceitful and crafty!!! Husband helped me out - and I vowed I wouldn't relapse but I had a minor one! It's now more than a week since I gambled and I have a little in the bank (even though it's the banks money, not mine)....keep telling myself if I am gamble free by 5th Sept I will be out of overdraft. GOTTA DO THIS! Got so many debts to pay off. Rang Barclaycard today and said I can't pay anything till 5th. They said that's ok. Have to do the same with several other creditors. Hope they will be as accommodating. I have to say that even without much money (I usually have NO money!) I sleep better and feel happier. Over the past week in which I haven't gambled - the ONLY time I get the urge is when I think about the thousands and thousands I have squandered. How daft is that, that even now I have delusions of getting it all back??!! If I lived to be 150 - I wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting a quarter of what I've spent. That's the reality. I have to forget about the huge losses - it's gone. It's in the past. If I remain hard up for the rest of my life it's a better feeling than throwing what little I have at a stupid slot. In actual fact, with an income of 1800 a month, it shouldn't be too long till I'm back on track. It will take years to pay off my debts but that's ok - staying gamble free is my priority. I have a lovely husband, lovely home and wonderful children/grandchildren. I want to be my old self again, gregarious and happy like I was pre gamble years (tho it's so long ago can barely remember). We soldier on don't we? I like this feeling right now - living without the panic and waking at hourly intervals through night with worry. (How much things are so much worse in darkness!) I feel less agitated and resentful at my husbands nice life. I want some of that. He has the financial freedom to visit people down south - play golf etc. I want to do things - buy new clothes, make up etc!! I AM GOING TO DO THIS!! I feel VERY determined. I will keep reading these posts (and reading a good book). Get myself to bed at a respectable time and occupy myself throughout the day. I WILL NEVER HAVE MONEY IF I GAMBLE!! SO S T O P!! Sorry to ramble if anyone reads this - let's all fight this thing - take care and keep going. Helen. X

Hi Helen, i too have difficulties telling my wife re my gambling again as i've already had so many mess ups and she thought i was cured so to speak.

I will have to tell her at some stage, or she will find out I know doubt sure.

Life is so much simpler without gambling in our life, so keep fighting it, and win! by NOT gambling!.

Time to turn our lifes around and make our famillies and ourselves proud , and start to live again.

Hi Helen, great to read you back on track and finding life more enjoyable without the gambling, it blinds you at the time and it's not till you step back and leave it behind do you see what a different person it made you. Ramble all you like it's your diary and it's time well spent keeping you on your gaurd and free to live. All the best and keep strong.

Chris

Hi Hunni, totally know that feeling. It's almost a panic that you can't get back on. It's been a tuff journey but I'm free now. That you've posted here is such a huge step. There's loads of help when you're ready for it and you're not alone xxxx

Hi Helen, glad to see yr back and posting. This is the place to come wen you get those urges. Stay strong and positive! x