Day 1 again.
I was on a roller coaster the last month and a half or so showing discipline and stopping and then gambling and stopping. Pretty much the same story for the last 4+ years.
Shame, guilt, anger, despair. Losses have been huge. Debts have piled up.
I know what I should be doing. I have done it. Self excluded. Given my cards away. Experienced peace but yet gone back. Not persisted with my recovery.
Perhaps the crux has been I have not been able to accept my losses. Not been able to move on. Wanted that thing in life that I felt was lacking. Thought money from gambling will get it only to find myself in a deeper hole each time.
And that thing I need to sit back and re-evaluate what it is. re-discover the deceitful nature of my broken mind. Find a way to fix. But above now put all the blocks in place to stop, really stop.
I will come back and read this post. What lies ahead is a challenge. There will be periods of intense regret, pain and remorse.
Periods of intense bitterness, trepidation and guilt.
Periods of intense self loathing, anger and shame.
I will need to find courage to come through those periods. I guess I will keep coming on this site to chronicle those or just read others stories and find strength.
Whatever it is it will not be easy I know. Being in this situation is not really pleasant or I don’t know.
What I know is I should start with a change of mindset. I still have lots of things in life that I should be thankful for. Try and focus on the positives of life. I’ll see how it goes from here.
Good luck everyone.
I must admit I am a bit scared.Scared of what lies ahead. Scared of facing my feelings, my days, of facing the reality.
There are things that I am really lucky of having though. Love and support from my better half to whom I admitted my last folly yet again. Handed over my cards yet again.But the greater challenge lies ahead of altering my mindset while going through pain, bitterness, guilt, loathing, despair.
I will just take it one day at a time. Pointless thinking about the losses and debt at this point. Just be thankful for what I still have.
Hi Shattered, I'm in the same boat as are many of thousands, you are not alone with how you are feeling right now, just take one day at a time and it will become slightly easier. It is very depressing debt but we have two choices, we can gradually work towards reducing that debt or we can continue to gamble and add to it, I know you would prefer to choose the first option. Be kind to yourself like you say you are thankful for what you still have.
Wilsy
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