Recovery and hope last bet 22/10/06

Hi folks,it is really humbling to see so many people suffering from this addiction,sometimes I take it for granted not to think about gambling, when not so long ago I was staring into the pit of despair.I try and not think of the time that has elapsed since my last bet and try to think of things today, I can manage today.I can have a gratitude list today and it looks like this, still have my family,my job,a home,bills paid on time,my health,a car,and my sanity and looking forward to a holiday in Cyprus in April.How different it all looked in October brought to my knees by this addiction, I contemplated ending it all. I really did not want to wake up,thanks to all who posted here and continue to do so, it reminds me how it felt to be here in the begining and what it will be like if I think I can return to gambling.

Thank you,

Paddy

Thankyou to Paddy

Kim xx

Hi,I've just had a quiet few weeks,hardly noticed Cheltenham was on until the last day.Life is so good now without gambling and I am sorting out the old baggage which has been weighing me down.I made a few amends this week and feel a lot better for it.I read the posts daily to remind me of the pain I was in when I first posted here.Thank you.

pit of despair

contemplated ending it all

and five months later..

Life is so good now

Thank you for sharing that Paddy...it CAN be done.

Recovery works if you work it 🙂

Love to you,

Peg

xoxoxo

Hi all, just checking in to see how we are all doing, I have been working on my amends list, paying back money from past misadventures and making right some of the wrongs I've done to people.The burden has eased considerably and I am moving in the right direction.My wife and I are off to Cyprus on Wednesday and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with her, her life has been disrupted by my gambling episodes and we are trying to find other things to do together. God bless you all,

Paddy

Goodonya Paddy.

Does me good to read of people like yourself coming out the otherside. Shows it can be done.

Cheers, James

((((Paddy))))

recovery is looking good on you 🙂

Hi all, I haven't been on for a while, I have been busy with other things. Gambling is not a part of my life now but I am not taking anything for granted and I need to check in too see how you are all doing. Continuing to go to meetings doing the steps and chatting with my sponsor has kept me away from this terrible addiction. My life is not perfect but I am happy and free. Hugs to you all.xx

Hi folks,I learned a valuable lesson this weekend about powerless.My sister asked me to sell some tickets on ebay for her. I did and someone made an offer which I accepted. Good so far. The only problem was I couldn't post them as they wouldn't get there in time so I arranged to meet up at Kings Cross station. I have been to London a few times but I am no good at finding my way round.So for 2 nights I worried about getting tickets to this chap and didn't sleep very well. I knew I had to fulfill my end of the bargain,even then I was wondering if he was going to turn up on time,if it was going to cost me money and time if he didn't turn up, could I drive some of the way and could I remember how to get home and so on, finally I decided I would get a train to Kings Cross to give myself peace. All went well but in future I will only do things I can achieve without stressing myself too much. I have posted this to remind myself of what I put myself through to help someone else.All my life I have been a yes man, clearly I have some work to do on this. It has helped to put this where I can read what I was thinking.

Today I feel absolutely rubbish,but I don't want to gamble.Tonight for the first time my wife told me how her life has/had been.I feel really low after she described how lonely she felt and how she discussed my problem with my mother last summer.It seems like my recovery in the last 7 months has not been enough to make up in any way for what she has gone through,its like she doesn't see any change in me.I know that's not true but now I have to be patient, my sponsor said open the channels of communication, but I was afraid of rowing rather than talking.I have taken on board what she has said,although I am not going to be punished for the rest of my life for my mistakes,I know healing takes time and I love her.My marriage is in deep trouble and I think we may have to look at counselling to get us on track.I really needed to share this.This is part of my recovery and honest sharing keeps me honest.

Tonight for the first time my wife told me how her life has/had been

((((((((hugs))))))))

I know it hurts...but they have healing to do too...our loved ones...we have to do what WE have to do to heal...THEY have to do what THEY need to do...and I imagine that, most times, that means, they need to have their say.

Maybe....just like with us...sharing here...perhaps..her being able to verbalize her pain will relieve some of it?

glad you shared Paddy....are you working the steps?

I am preparing to have a serious discussion with my husband...to make some amends that I need to make...he doesn't know this is coming...I am afraid..but excited at the same time...it's strange...I guess I'm at a point where I just want to lay it all out on the table and be done with it...and I will let him have his say as well.

love to you,

peg

xoxo

Hi,today I am going to share about my step 9 amends,I guess I thought I was making them without verbalising the amends to my wife.I think it was a turning point in our relationship,I'm glad she didn't just say everythings ok because it wasn't.I was happy to communicate before if she saw my side of things,still selfish and self centred.The breakthrough came when we sat down and discussed the main problem and she told me how it was and I let her know I understood it was her truth and I acknowledged my part in it.I asked if there was any way I could make up for the past and though I couldn't bring it back I was truely sorry for the pain I had caused.Thankfully I got past the blame game and listened genuinely to her story and we are both on the road to recovery.For one reason or another it never occured to me to take the step 9 amends in a formal way as I would have with someone else and thought by just carrying on as if nothing had happened things would be ok.I know today she feels valued and respected.Everything I know today is due to the fellowships of GA and AA,I am guaranteed not to drink or gamble on a daily basis if I follow the 12 step program and the promises are slowly coming true for me. I hated this in the beginning but its true,keep coming back it works if you work it. God bless xxx

Hi folks,just checking in to let you know I am still around,still gamble free and using the 12 steps as my recovery plan with a sponsor.The complusion to bet has left me but sometimes I can find myself drifting into daydreams of being wealthy with one good session,of course I know that's not possible and I acknowledge it and move on.Today my life revolves around the good things in life where I had no choice when I gambled,all or nothing.I was sharing with a friend about how it had got me,I was his best man and I kept finding excuses to leave the reception day and evening to get home to bet.He was stunned to find that out,never realising how it had got me.Freedom.I can only wish those who are still in the battlefield of gambling my empathy,fortunatly I didn't have to lose everything to find help and may you too. Paddy

Hi Paddy. Thanks for coming back to let us know how you're doing. I read through your diary, and you seem like a very strong person!

You're right about freedom. It's a wonderful feeling!!

My very best to you!

Love, Anna

Hi all,continuing on my daily recovery,nothing too dramatic to tell which is great news,relationship ok,work ok,hobbies ok and all so different from this time last year.Sometimes its hard not to take this for granted given the early struggles.I am grateful of the help I have had from my buddies in GA,my sponsor and the programme without which the daily reprieve I have would not be possible.Thank you all.

Paddy x