Recovery diary - The compulsion must come to an end.

You can!

Keep cooking & stay away from whatever you can access these ridiculous sites from! Distract yourself with something & they will pass. The addictuon is evil & likes to catch us unawares when it thinks we are weak! Getting through this, will make you stronger!

Well done for coming here, this fight is for winning & you can win - ODAAT

Thanks for your support ODATT.

I managed to keep off the sites and I am now mid way through say 6. Just been shopping and drove past the bookies. There was a huge magnetic pull towards the car park but managed to repel myself away, saying to myself, if i can't stop, I can't win, and it stopped the urge to go in almost instantly!

Just got home and I am starting to feel ahppy that I am managing to get by these urges one at a time. Just hope I'm not in the wrong place at the wrong time when one of the really strong urges comes along.

Looking onwards and upwards!!!

Day 7. Long day at work. Have been up since 3am again.

Just put my feat up infront of the tv to watch a film. The mrs is at a friends for dinner so home alone again until gone 8. But have to ne up again at 3am so all i can think about at thd moment is sleep. Currently have no urge to gamble what so ever. Lets hope this continues...

Really starting to look forward to seeing how much money i will be able to pay off my debt. Now the odd ВЈ100, ВЈ200, £500 gambles aren't happening, I'm hoping it won't be long before i see the benefits. I have allways wondered what my life would be like with money in my life. I was just too blind to see, i have the money, I'm jist soo used to not having it longer than a few days as i have allways thrown it away!!

Time for that much needed rest.

Well done on one week, taking one day at a time you will keep winning.

Suzanne xx

Day 8.

So i have taken a step back and had an overall look at my finances. Due to the compulsion of needimg money from anywhere at any point, the debt i have is spralled accross lots of different credit cards and overdrafts. Today i have taken charge of this expensive debt and consolodated it into a loan. This will mean instead of paying loads of intrest on the debt every month, the same amount will go towards paying off the debt rather than just servicing it.

I have a few big tests coming up which i hope i can cope with. bearing in mind I am only just a day over a week into this, they seem like impossible tests to overcome.

The forst big test is pay day. As i have sorted the debt out, i will now have spare money to do things i should have allways done like get gifts for the mrs and save for our wedding and kids that we want to have in the future.

The second big test is that i am a friends best man and i have arranged a Stag weekend in Valencia. Paet of this weekend will envolve going to a casino and with not even being able to see myself getting past pay day on the 25th of this month, im not sure how I'm guna get past the stag do visit to the casino on the 10th of next month.....

Day9

So after being so positive about the urges going away i awake to one of the biggest ones yet after a dream that i took a second mortgage out and went the casino with It.

Recently i have been waking up and making all sorts of weird decisions. It used to be time when i would lose the most money i don't think i think as rationally when i first wake up. As I'm often on shifts, i wake up alone and the first thing ibised to do was reach over for my smart phone as i have done this morning.

I am finding this site very helpful. Every time i get am urge, i choose to come and right something here to explain how I'm feeling. Im sorry for those of you who read this and think it's borring but it helps putting it down in words, somewhere where prying eyes won't find it.

So I've got the day off today as i switch from earlys to lates this week and work fri and sat night. The joys of managing public transport at the weekend's, but those storys are for another day.

Time for sime breakfast and the gym to try and forget about that dreaded dream or should i say, nightmare!!

Keep strong everyone.

Notawinner

Day 10

So i have just woken up with another mazzive urge to log on to a new casino and try and win enough to pay off some of the debt.

Going to get up and go to the gym to try and blast this feeling out of my head!!!

Welcome to double figures 🙂

Keep fighting those urges! They will come when you least expect them, triggers or not but identifying triggers will make you better prepared! Ramble not gamble has been said on here so get down anything you want - the rest of us do 😉

Can you put your 'spare' money out of reach in a 'weddung account' or passbook maybe? Hell, under the mattress is safer than in the bank I guess :-0

Hope you enjoyed training! This is a difficult journey @ times, a rollercoaster says I wished & she ain't wrong but strap up tight, it's the best ride we'll ever go on!

Keep making the right choices - ODAAT

Day11

So yesterday was an interesting day, i cleaned my car at work as I'm now on the late shift and it was dead, and i found a £10 winning scratch card in the drivers door pocket that i brought a few weeks back.

My first thoughts were great, then i thought, how am I going to get this £10 without going into the shop to claim it. I didn't want to put myslef in the position of being ablebto just say to guy behind the counter, "I'll just have another one of those please", as i am sure all those that play scratch cards will understand.

So i said to one of my drivers, if you get me a kebab from the van outside work, you can have the scratch card and cash it in.

So i had a free meal and didn't put myself in the position where i was able to gamble.

This was great. Other than the urges to gamble that I've had, i never really understood when people have put on here, "stay aware as it will get you when you least expect it" until that moment.

Still I am happy the way i am going. Still very early days but they are tickling along nicely.

Day 17

So it's been almost a whole week since i posted last.

The days are beginning to build up without to many issues at all.

I have been paid and have paid off some debt, and not gambled a penny. To be honest, ihaven't even had the urge to gamble like i was expecting to get when i knew I had money in my bank.

Those first few days were the hardest so far. Lets hope i can stay strong at the next text..... The Stag weekend to Valencia.

Thanks again for everyones support!!

Day 21.

So i thought i was doing well. The urges have settled right down and I don't feel the need to gamble like i used too!

Today, I get a phone call from an online casino which i obviously forgot to close over the many years of opening new accounts.

The second they guy on the other end of the phone introduced himself, i just froze. I didn't know what to say. The only way i can describe it is that it felt like i had passed my ex girlfriend in the street whilst walking with my current partner, hand in hand. My heart sank and I just hung up. It made me feel awful.

One thing i am happy with though is that i didn't just hang around on the call to see what bonus he was going offer me, i hung up straight away.

I am so happy with myself. Not only did i not want to see what i could get, i guenuinly felt disgusted at the thought of going through the roller coaster ride of gambling again.

It feels great to not want to gamble!!

The feeling i have right now is that i have beaten the casino. The only way i ever expected to beat the casino in the past was financially not mentally. I am over the moon!!

You are right to be chuffed...hell I am chuffed for you 🙂

Welcome to week 4! Stay on your guard & keep choosing 'No' - ODAAT

I was doing so well. Until yesterday. I had paid off nearly ВЈ1000 of my debt and then wham. It got me. Home alone, thought I was under control and thought I'd see if could win a bit to pay for a new shirt for a wedding I'm going to this weekend. it took ahold of me, this time it was online blackjack. Hand after hand the dealer kept getting hands when the odds show that he should have bust. Started off losing ВЈ200 then ВЈ400 then ВЈ1000 and before I new it, I had maxed out 3 credit cards, the over draft and am now wondering how I'm guna pay back £10,000 worth of new debt.

What an awful feeling and what a F€#*$ING expensive new s**t!!

What a see you next Tuesday I really am! My poor poor fiancГ©. She deserves better than a low life like me.

Welcome back, you know what you need to do... So not going to lecture.

I did exactly the same about two weeks ago. I am more determined than ever to beat this, seeking the help I need. It is gut wrenching but by not gambling the debts will go and life will get better