Regrets, I've had a few, but then again....

The ups and downs of this journey are still getting to me, I often wonder if I'm really better off without gambling, that the dulling of the senses masked some of my other character faults. Fixing one thing in my life by not gambling doesn't mean that so many other things are still broken.

Back to work this week, though it wasn't the most successful week I've ever had. Just felt pretty rotten and tired, although that cheerful mask didn't drop for too long. I read about others trying to focus on happiness and trying to find those steps towards being happy. I need to do those things too.

Anyhow, I'm still on the right path, just in one of the troughs along the road at the moment.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend,

Ryan

Hi leedso,

I can identify with what you say about masking your awareness of your faults with gambling. I am painfully self-aware at times, and have a really hard time in forgiving myself when I don't meet my own impossibly high standards.

Someone had a cheap dig at me on Facebook today. About the way I was 10 - 15 years ago! although I could see that they were being petty, and childish - it still really got my adrenaline pumping. My heart was racing, like it does when you feel attacked and threatened, and I felt really angry physically. It made me feel proper ill - anger is not a nice feeling for me. I really didn't like how strongly my body reacted, and how some petty comment could get right under my skin. In my delusional version of myself in my mind, I would never let something like that bother me, because that would be weak.

But do you know what? It did. It bothered me, for a short while. Vanity means I don't like to admit to being that sensitive, but I am. It doesn't make me a d*ck, any more than it makes this guy a d*ck for making a petty comment in the first place. In the past, when I couldn't accept my own lack of self control, I would have stayed angry - but do you know what? because I could let it go with him, and mentally forgive him - I could forgive myself too.

Crikey Moses, I fear I've gone into a right old ramble, and lost my point along the way! which I think was that I identify with finding it hard to accept one's faults, but it can be worked on.

Take care,

f x

Ryan

fella thanks for popping by my thread,I totally understand what you are saying too my friend but I do know that for me when those thoughts cloud my mind it is addiction taking over,it is the addiction that lives within me chatting S***e,trying to get me back into it's frankly ridiculous way of thinking.

Bottom line for me is Ryan we by making a choice not to self destruct do open ourselves up,we let the real us out.

It has been a pleasure to walk with the real Ryan,truth is the gambling Dunc's wouldn't have given you the time of day,he was too caught up in his own deluded world of self made misery to give a sh#it about your life.

From acorns grow mighty oaks fella,ok the odd dogs pi##sses up them,and the weather sometimes beat them,but they lay roots and stand tall and proud.

You keep doing the same my friend

The outcome will always be better than the result of any punt.

You control it

Don't ever let it control you again.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

394 days without a bet, and still it preys on my mind. I'm not sure if I'm walking away from gambling with my head held high for beating it and not giving in, or if I'm running away in fear of what another bet might lead to. It might just be the weather, or the fact that November is looking like a busy month, but I've been a little down since getting back to work.

Low motivation and insomnia combine to make me wake up on the cranky side most mornings, and as I've got earlies at work, that makes me especially grumpy. Finally been putting some money away into a savings account instead of using it to pay off debt, and the thoughts of a new car or even a house and mortgage are already in my mind. Trying to avoid debt going forward, so unless it is the mortgage I don't really want a loan to buy a car, which means it may be March or April by the time I get some new wheels.

Anyway, hope the start to the week has been okay, once tomorrow's out of the way its downhill to the weekend!

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

394 days really is awesome, you are doing great.

Don't forget our moods change just like the weather and I am sure that when you get back into the routine of work, your mood will lift, think about your next hol, or even the weekend it will soon be here.

You have achieved so much with abstaining, be very proud of yourself.

Suzanne xx

Well, its been a while since my last post, and I can't say that the website redesign has really worked with my computer. If any admins do read these threads, any ideas why it doesn't display the forum properly through Firefox would be gratefully appreciated. It comes up as a very long line of text down the right hand side. Now that I've downloaded Google Chrome, it seems to work fine on this browser.

Gambling thoughts have been circling a little, and those voices that tell me I can just place sports bets and not get hooked in by those evil casino games again have been piping up. I'm not listening, but they seem to stick around.

I finally managed to ask my Doctor for a referral to have a mental health assessment today. Having spent most of the night thinking of eloquent ways to explain how I felt and how my moods would go up and down, I ended up explaining it badly. I'd thought about cancelling the appt several times, but at least he agreed to refer me on to someone. I'm not off the scale that I would be in danger if they can't offer me any treatment, but I do need to find more balance in life if I'm sticking around for the long term. :P

Hope everyone else is getting through Monday without too many issues.

Ryan

407

Hey Ryan, thanx for the post. Good to hear you're going strong and confident. And i guess it is wise decision to ask for referral from doctor. Got that form myself yesterday and see how it goes. Have a lovely week and don't too hard. Well done on your continued journey. Take care. S x

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for your message.

It's good to read that you are staying strong and gamble free, and throwing those thoughts out, well done.

Suzanne xx

Hi Ryan... I reckon I could benefit from a mental health assessment day. I'd be interested to hear what happens next and how you find what they offer. I consider myself unwell at the moment but the man in the street would have no idea cos its easy to hide ones mental health issues.. especially when your a nice polite middle class fella like myself (well perhaps)

Anyway as Suzanne says, its good to read that your staying strong. A few days ago I put a few hundred pounds into a £500 jackpot machine and it paid next to nothing. These casino type machines are a trully awful invention and ruin lives... mine included.

Stay strong my friend as i try to do the same. Regards... S.A

Ryan

fella,good to hear from you my friend,glad you are digging deep and looking for ways to move forward.

I spoke pretty candidly about my own mental health with my gp,funny because he just appeared to ignore what I was saying,in fact he may as well have picked up the rug on the floor and climbed under it!!

I have an appointment tomorrow so I will broach the subject again I think,the thing is I dont have a regular gp,it seems they last about three months and move on,so it has been really difficult to build any kind of constant relationship,truth is I have been at my surgery for about twenty years and should just move as a lot of folk have the same gripe.

Thanks for sharing fella,it opens my mind up to want to take all I can from life.

Regards my tattoo's ,my friend I have plenty,truth is I only stopped because addiction's needs over ruled the want for more ink,so through recovery I have planned this tattoo in fine detail,it is a memorial tattoo to my gambling life,includes a dark and light side,smashed roulette wheel,laughing devil,burning horse and my whippets rising from the carnage.then just one more and I will be done,my Joe wrote a poem about me and I will have it down my torso,but that one will really hurt lol.

anyhow enough rambling!! great to read your making a choice to your recovery grow.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s I spent a whole night enraged at the forum layout!! through firefox I had just blank pages infront of me!!

google crome for me too,installed by my much entertained youngest!!

Hey Ryan, just touching the base and hoping you are keeping well. Was pleasantly surprised seing your pic pop up..i thought. ..umm..i seen it somewhere before 🙂 good to see you gifting yourself your freedom, you are truly worth it!! I guess festive season gets many folks down into more soul searching place and short days doesn't do much good either...well at least for me. Really hope you can get the help offered and i shall keep you updated with mine also. Together we stand, keep up good work and be kind to you. Sandra x

Hey Ryan, thank you for your post and hope all is well your way. Hell..car??? Lol..i am just happy i am here and as you say it could be worse and i could end up in a ditch or in a back of the tractor lol (trust me we get many of them where i live lol)...brakes works well today since i took little beast for a spin lol..maybe just was too tired in a morning and got confused with pedals me thinks..house still standing and that's a good thing 🙂 keep up the good fight, you know how much it can give in return. Stay safe and spk soon xx

Hi guys,

Thanks for the support as usual, not having to try hard to stay busy - work, overtime and freelance stuff still keeping me on my toes! Took a day off yesterday to head down to Cardiff to "enjoy" the rugby, though another narrow defeat to Australia didn't surprise me. Sharing a pint or two with my mates, and seeing how normal people live did me no harm at all.

Not heard anything back from the referral from my GP yet, but he did say the initial appointment was usually four to five weeks. The peaks and troughs still coming, but not quite in the pit I feel like I've been in over recent weeks.

The gambling demons were back in force on Friday night, even had a look at some football odds. Its strange that the part that did the damage to me was the casino, but the only part I miss is the sports betting.Unfortunately gambling isn't an area where I can pick and choose, so still putting in the right decision, and keeping my money in the pocket - until I reach the bar at least!

Hope everyone has a good week

Ryan

Morning Ryan

See you enjoyed the egg chasing I can never get into that sport ! , I get what your saying been surrounded by normality and that's got to be a good thing , well done for making the right choice those demons will always come and test us from time to time , hope the gp appointments comes through soon for you and can start to move forward on that front

The rest your doing great

Castle2

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for your post and kind words. This battle is a toughie eh?but we are stronger than this ugly destroying addiction and will keep reaching for our dreams and freedom no matter what!!

Don't let work stress you out and always remember, good rest and sleep is the main key to our wellbeing. I am proud to walk alongside you an am just a text or email away in the need of help or a chat.

Take care and keep up your good work

s x