Good Afternoon All,
I have just spent the last hour reading my old diary. I cannot believe how positive I was, how strong I was in recovery, how supportive I was for others. Most importantly, I cannot believe I drifted away.
My last post on here was the day I reached 2 years bet free. That was April 2014. I'm not entirely sure how far I got into year 3 of my recovery. I feel it wasn't long. (Edit I checked in July 2014. I am very sorry to anyone I let down by neglecting the 2014 bet free thread) The reality is that has become irrelevant. 3 and a half year's later and i'm here returning to day 1.
I was one of the most active members of this site, I even considered applying for advertised roles with Gamcare. I don't even know where it all went wrong. The fact is, it did go wrong. Horribly horribly wrong. I start in a position far worse than April 2012, to the point where I hang on be a mere thread. People around me have more hope than I do myself. It is a familiar and sorry state of affairs.
So, I return looking to maybe find strength in a place that offered it before. For now I pledge to post each day. Where that will take me who knows. I dream of a day where people can read my diary again and draw inspiration.
For now my diary is simply one day at a time and my last attempt at salvaging a life rapidly running out of hope.
Flagg
Day 1 - Hanging On
Hi Flagg,
I remember you from when I joined this site. You were very active with 90 days challenges also and I remember joining one in 2014 ☺
Didn't stay long on a wagon myself but same as you, I am back "home" (never truly left) and trying again.
So glad you're back with determination and belief of making this work!
It can be done and you're one of the few who knows it for definite.
Never give up giving up!
Keep posting and thank you so much for your support as always!
D'Mac is around also and I'm sure you will have a catch up soon ☺
S&B aka Sandra1
I remember you too Flagg and I've only recently come back, think we need sites like this just to sometimes clear the old head! Keep strong man, we'll do this all together
Wilsy
I remember you too Flagg and I've only recently come back, think we need sites like this just to sometimes clear the old head! Keep strong man, we'll do this all together
Wilsy
Flagg.
Fella I would say it's good to see you back but it's not because I believed you were one who 'got with the program' so to speak.
I was going to write a long post about the 3% who abstain for a full calendar year and how that 3% diminishes year on year as folk return to active gambling, those numbers taunted me for a few hours yesterday after I read your thread.
Addiction loves it,uses it as a bartering tool, addiction will be with us all forever that is a concrete fact.
Fella I hope you use all the good things two years of continuous abstinence gifted your life, the door is without doubt revolving.
For me it's heart wrenching to see recently so many folk from 2012 returning and like you more broken than before.
I have done the same myself, truthfully without one fact I wouldn't be writing this post as I set of with the intention of taking my own life all too recently.
I have sought help wherever I can find it.
My advice please do likewise and look after yourself first and foremost.
Recovery is the one selfish act we should allow ourselves.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Evening Diary,
Day 2 - Thank you for the posts everyone. I will endeavour to get around the diaries once I have built my resolve.
Great to see so many familiar names. This used to be a place of great comraderie and strength. I hope that still remains.
For me today is about not gambling. For today only! Tomorrow it begins again, the familiar struggle.
Just for today I abstain.
Day 2 - Just for today!!
Good Afternoon,
Day 3 - Today I feel slightly more on an even keel. 2 days away from not gambling and you gain some odd clarity.
I was speaking to family the weekend after being confronted about my most recent destruction. I think they were looking in disbelief when I said I know how to not gamble. The look in the eye is "why don't you bloody do it then".
The truth is I do know how to not gamble. I know the strategies, I know the rules, I heed the advice, hell I have even delivered the advice many many times. The fact is knowing how and actually doing are quite some distance apart. Only a fellow compulsive gambler will understand that.
My financial reality has been apparent for a while now, my future has been diagnosed as bleak for some time also. What I haven't done in the last 12 months is face the reality and look at how to tackle it and turn things around. I have shunned support and shouldered the burdens alone. Ultimately this will and did only lead to failure.
Day 3 - Reality Check
Hi Flagg,
Glad to read about your reflection on facts/ reality.
Addiction will never leave us and we bound to make mistakes along the way.
But as Duncs said - recovery door is ALWAYS revolving...& of course " where is a will, there is a way"...
Keep wanting your recovery/ life more than the next bet/ disaster...the rewards of freedom will be endless
You're worth it!
Thank you for your post...strenght is indeed in numbers.
Don't suffer in silence.
God bless and have a safe day
S&B xx
Good Morning Diary,
Day 4 - I find myself thinking about all of the things that worked for me before. In the last 2 years I have constantly told myself they won't work again because they stopped working before. This is the biggest lie of all as I'm somehow lying to myself and falling for that lie. The reason it went pear shaped before was I stopped doing what worked. I neglected my diary, I didn't have recovery as my primary focus.
I have always been all or nothing. For way too long it's been nothing. Now it's time to try all again. It worked before, it worked for a very significant period of time. It will work again because it never stopped working. I just stopped doing it.
Day 4 - Start Again
Morning Diary,
Day 5 - Returned to GA last night. A proper return, not like last year's false dawn where I didn't want to go, didn't want to put my all into anything. A new group, a new set of people, personalities, opinions, but one common goal.
I used to debate what GA offered in addition to this forum. For now I won't overthink and just use each tool for it's obvious advantage. Groups of people with a shared issue and a shared dream.
My initial goal of 2 weeks is set. This is the length of time required to break the habit. Once that is achieved then it will be time to face facts,reality, and the future. For now it's one hour at a time. The last 4 days have been successful so why won't today be the same.
Day 5 - One Hour at a time
Hi mate, well done on going back to the GA meetings, it is always a help to talk and share experiences and difficulties with people who are going through the same as you. I will for now wait until my break even counselling starts but I might even consider going back to my meetings, if I feel I need to keep discussions going.
Yes take it one hour at a time mate, take it nice and slowly and reach out to anyone close if you have that sudden urge or weakness.
Wilsy
Good Afternoon Diary,
Day 8 - Not sure where my post disappeared to yesterday.
Anyway, still finding things tough going. I know what needs to be done, and how to do it.
Plenty of barriers in place, just got to remain on guard and as positive as possible.
Day 8 - Still trying
Just keep resisting Flagg, you know it will get easier
Wilsy
Keep on keeping on Flagg...one little step in from of another!
Keep choosing life, rewards wont stop coming!
S&B xx
Hi Flagg,
Just checking in as noticed you didn't post for a while.
May be well off the truth here but by my own experience, coming back here after the initial posting is quite a job to do. I find it hard as place has changed (or maybe place the same but the atmosphere different from old times if you get what I mean).
All I'm saying..- keep posting! Even a line a day. This has helped you before (same as me) so please keep putting yourself first.
Keep close to your diary dear soldier, you're not alone.
Apologies if I made zero sense and come accross a lil too personal about my own thoughts...
Stay we'll and of course safe!
S&B xx
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