sh*t Or Bust

Hello and welcome list... Believe me when i tell you that you are a strong person - it takes a strong person to come on here and admit to having a problem. I toyed with the idea for weeks or maybe months but it took me to hit rock bottom before i was able to admit that i had a problem. Slots are also my vice - i was betting on cartoon horses and dogs .. Hundred quid a go sometimes more. Believe me when you get a week under your belt your outlook on it all

... Does your boyfriend know about the situation that you are in.

Welcome lizt, you have now made a choice to stop punting and you will not stop winning from here on end ! i can tell you that with each day that passes without you enduring that futile act of gambling, your life will blossom and your relationship with your children and boyfriend will improve markedly. Let it go now and gift yourself back your life that you and your family deserve, Dark Place

Thank you!! I think i am at the totally ashamed and no where to go. No more lies i can tell myself or others. When you look back you can't believe how out of hand it's all got. The debt the mess. You always think it will be fine. It will all work out but it doesn't till you stop. I know i have a very very long road ahead but i am grateful that i hopefully still have a road ahead and i can save this. I really need the support of your words and encouragement. Today I am going to the docs to ask for a bit of help as I do feel so depressed. Not just about the gambling and the mess there but my life in general. Long story but i was married to a mental bully for years and that is how all this started. It was my escape then it became my self harm. We have children so it never goes away because he emotionally abuses them too and there is always some way to get to me through them. We've just had another major drama and it has left me very very low and standing back and looking at everything i only have two choices i either lay down and never get up again or fight. Today I choose fight. As the reality of all this mess becomes clear to me because let's face it i have lived in denial for a long time, I am sure I will struggle a lot so your words are going to keep me going. Thank you for understanding. Xx

Good post lizt....when i was at probably my absolute worst i went to the docs and he put me on anti-depressants and to be honest they were great in the respect that they just made life a bit easier and while i didn't want to become reliant on them i thought the next best thing to do was councelling... I am struggling to open up about the gambling but i think that may be partially the shame of it all but ill get there and so will you.. Keep the chin up!

I'm sure it is the shame. I can just about admit it to myself to say it out loud and see the look of disappointment and shock on my boy friends would just be too much at this point. I've always been perceived as the together one. People come to me for advice and tell me their darkest stories and yet I can't tell a soul about this. If people only knew!!! I feel sick everytime i think about it. How long have you been on here and how you doing. I have my first counselling session on monday. Xx

I have started a diary a couple of times but to be completely honest with you i think i was just going through the motions and something i should do. I think that you have to reach rock bottom before you are able to quit. For so long i had it in my head that i was going to hit the big win which is obviously never going to come. I was ashamed that i was gambling with money that could have been spending on other things - i know you may think its easy for me to say because i don't have any debts related to this illness but i don't think you should focus too much on the debt .. Focus on getting yourself better and if you have any questions then just ask! Ill try and answer them based on the experiences i have had!!

Thank You!... well went to the doctors today and I am on anti depressants... didn't mention the gambling but said I was starting counselling on Monday... it's been tough today.. right now I would usually be logging on somewhere and depositing and off i go again...my children are with their Dad tonight and my boyfriend is away so usually on nights like this out comes the wine and off I go.... and by tomorrow I either think phew I'm glad I won that back or in absolute despair at what I'd done... I spoke to an alcoholic once and she described her binges like someone else taking over and that she was not in control of herself and no matter if she thought of what she stood to lose and the harm it was causing she couldn't stop it... I totally understand that now... and sometimes I stand outside myself and see what I've done and what a mess I've made and I am truly shocked but it still didn't stop me ... just a tenner...I would say to myself and if I don't win that will be it... hundreds later .... it's like you wake up and see what you have done.. again!!.... and you think how could I have done it again!!... Well day two almost done.. I am going out to see a friend for the evening and I will wake up tomorrow with two days under my belt which I am grateful for xx

Hi lizt

Well done for coming to this supportive forum where we are all in the boat which is to abstain and maintain from this self destructive addiction

I am a CG and I can relate to waking up and not believing I had done it again and the feeling of being outside myself seeing the mess but carrying on

Online slots was my self destruction from reality

I leave no cash in my bank account after I have paid my bills and debt instalments I have now sold my laptop so I can't play on it (it was locked away in OHs locker at work for over 3 months )

I have and use an IPAD could play online but I tell myself it's not the same and my IPad keeps me on guard (if that makes sense)

Use the triangle time money location take one away and it's impossible to play

You are doing really well

Keep going stay strong and focused and keep reading and writing on here

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Im glad to hear all went well with the doc this morning in respect that you were given the anti-depressants ... I found them to be useful and im off the opinion that if you can take a tablet to make things a little easier then what's the harm. Im a guy in my early 30's and after i got over the mindset that a guy my age shouldn't be going to councelling or anti depressants then i found them to be helpful. One thing i did notice was when when i stopped posting here every day or two i became complacent and drifted back into the awful habbit. Reading your last post made me think about times were i would wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just consumed with thoughts of how i was going to win back the hundreds i had lost earlier that day. I know it may sound crazy but that's what happens when your in the middle of the addiction. I hope things are ok!!!

Hi ya! Yes totally understand that feeling. You just can't believe it's you!! I look around at all the normal people going about their business living normal lives enjoying normal things and I want to be them. Instead I have been consumed with thoughts of what I've done and when can I do it again! If that makes sense. I never knew there was so many people out there in the same boat. You feel so alone. So ashamed. I feel like i can breathe. Saying it out loud reading people's honesty is a real support. I know I'm only day three and an addiction that is over ten years old won't disappear over night i know that but I'm finding this group amazing. It really helps. I'm about to exclude myself from as many sites as i can today. Big step!! Hope you're having a good day. Xx

Day four coming to a close. Today I have had several urges to get on line and gamble. Instead I got online and self excluded on as many sites as i could remember i was honest and said it was because I had a gambling problem. That felt strangely good.going to settle down with my boys and watch a film soon. Feel a bit sick today don't know why but all in all a good day. Hope everyone's doing ok out there xx

I hope that you managed to get to end of the fourth day and not give in to the urges...im not really thinking too much about the gambling at present and long may it continue. A few of the guys on here would say about the triangle (time, money, location) and if you take one of those out of the equasion then you cant gamble and that is what i have been trying to stick to in the early days. I think that telling your boyfriend is useful as well for support but this isn't the right move for everyone but i know that me telling the people i love and trust makes things that little bit easier.. Good luck and keep posting!

Hi ooh feeling pants today!! I am using the triangle which is good. I have no money at the moment so it's kind of easy. I feel really low today. Very tearful. . It's rubbish weather and i just feel really down.

Hi lizt

Your moods and feelings will be different nearly every day it is all part if the process of abstaining you will feel different tomorrow just ride through today

Gambling leaves a big void in our lives when we stop

Hell it had me 24 seven

Keep riding the roller coaster and don't look back

Keep posting and reading it helps fill that void and lifts our mood

Suzanne x