sh*t Or Bust

Thank you Suzanne. I've been struggling a bit today. Been at home with the kids. Money in the bank. Found myself doing the old " just have a tenner" it comes so loud when you least expect it. Genuinely found it very hard not to. Been quite stressed about how easy I found it to almost give in. I didn't i haven't and please god i won't but a few weeks in and my mind is saying oh you must be able to control it. You've managed not to for a few weeks surely you can just have a little go. It makes perfect sense then somehow i manage to remind myself that actually i can't control it. That's why I'm here. Ok i may do just a tenner today but that's how it's starts again eh?? Oh i think I'm waffling now but these conversations you end up having with yourself could still go either way at the moment. I am still very vulnerable i can see that. What a vile nasty addiction this is. It's dark it's black and all consuming just waiting to jump back into my life and ruin it. Well it's not going to!!!!!! I cannot win because i cannot stop!!! Sorry rant over xx

It's good to get them feelings out in the open ! It's your reward part of your brain trying to convince us it's ok when it's clearly not ! Just try and take things a day at a time an old Aa and ga saying , the days will soon mount up ! Keep posting

Hi lizt

as Gav says it's good to get those hideous thoughts out of your system

I have that just a tenner feeling most days and what helps me now is I know that tenner is like just playing bonus points we know we won't win on a tenner

Infact we know we won't win at all cos we cannot stop

So what is the point

Very well done on your day, stay strong today and you will win today

Suzanne xx

Well its the second of September and I have been here since the seventh of august. I am gamble free. I have struggled most days with thoughts of gambling. Looking at my finances thinking just one go I'll win big pay everything off and that will be that. I've been very ill which to be honest has helped. It made me stop and really look at where i was who i had become what I'd done over the last god knows how many years. At least ten i guess. I read on another post that their counsellor had said that sometimes gambling is a manifestation of other problems. Not the real problem. When I look back on my life I'd say that that was true. Lots of problems never dealt with never got over but I would say over the last few years gambling became my everything. I didn't really care anymore about anyone least of all myself. Destroy destroy destroy. Maybe that's how all the other stuff left me feeling but gambling was a definite way to destroy!! If that makes sense. I am seeing things a lot clearer. The urge to destroy has not gone as everything something goes slightly wrong it's my first thought. Run away!!! But I won't i will stay and fight. Chin up. I still feel so ashamed and guilty and i think that will remain for a long long time but for the first time I can say i don't gamble anymore. That is massive for me. Hope everyone is ok out there. N h. How you doin. Hope you're ok xx

Morning lizt

Very well done to you you did win yesterday

Give yourself a big pat on the back

That tenner is like bonus points it just puts us in the frame of mind to lose lose and lose

I can relate to everything you have said in your post

Stay strong keep focused and determined and you will win again today

Suzanne xx

Well done lizt .... You're doing great! I know how strong those urges are - thinking "ok, I'll do a rennet and definitely no more" .... times it by 20 in my case!! Next thing, I'd be going to bed at 3am whispering obscenities to myself so not to waken my husband....straight into panic mode wondering how am I gonna get through the month!! KEEP FIGHTING THOSE URGES LIZT.... we can ALL DO IT!! Stay strong! Helen.'x

Hi ya lizt thanks for asking how i was - to be honest the reason i haven't posted this past 48 hours is because in going through a very rough patch with my partner and in feeling very down about the whole thing and i feel like i have nowhere to turn. The problems aren't related to my addiction but with the way things are i feel like in being driven back into it. I have stayed away because i don't want my negativity to rub off on any of you guys - you are all doing so well keep it up. Thanks so much lizt!

Ah don't you worry about that. I'm here for good days and bad!!. Really hope you get sorted at home. It's hard enough just coping with the stress that this brings. Please still post even if you feel like S***e and need to rant. Xx

Thank you so much for your support! On a positive note I didn't gamble today and won't be able to tomorrow.. Fingers crossed are improving on that front. Don't know how things are going regarding everything else... thanks again!

Oh dear!!!! Really really struggling today. First proper day back at work and already the stress and the sure selfishness of the woman I work with is getting to me. My first thought go gamble. It's like instead of opening my mouth and standing up for myself my first thought is to run amd do something destructive. Why why why. In some twisted way it then makes my behaviour worse than hers so i can then justify her behaviour because I'm a bad person for gambling . Does that make any sense at all. I am going to have to be very careful today. I need some support here. Help!!!!! Xx

Hi lizt

There is always one person at work that gets to us lol.

Think what you are now achieving with abstaining and rise above her. She is just not worth you undoing any of your hard work

Abstaining gives us our self esteem back and confidence use some of your new positives and feel sorry for her

And yes what you have said does make sense the addiction thrives on negatives

Stay positive and strong and get through the day

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks!!! Well made it through to now without hunting for another site to join and throw my money away!!. I've got counselling in an hour. Over the phone as I still can't drive far so looking forward to that. I'm almost at a month now and even though I've had some very very dark days I'm quite proud of myself. Still got lots to face up to but each day i do feel that my sensible voice is getting louder. Big hugs to everyone xx

Well done you! Bet you're feeling loads better!! Keep going DONT GIVE IN!! Helen. X

Hi Helen How you doing xx. Had a great chat with the counsellor last night. It's amazing how saying it out loud talking about yourself and really telling it like it is can make you feel so good and bad at the same time. It really is like i have been living two separate lives. The " normal" one oh and the "normal" one. Atleast that's how I've been living for as long as I can remember. Listening to myself reel off the events of the last eleven years it's no wonder really that I've ended up with an addiction there's only so many downs one person can have i guess without turning it on themselves and facilitating staying down. I think I'm waffling now. Hoping I'll have another gamble free day. Staying strong. Hope everyone is ok xx

Hi Lizt

Well done

Stay strong and positive

Suzanne xx