Silence-Broke

Hi Glint and thank's for claryfying that for me , I don't honestly know why there's such a big turnover of gamblers, especially in the early stages of recovery , as you say a lot seem to come on and post once or twice and then roll down the newbies recovery page and ito the archives . Your'e right in saying that I'd reached a conclusion that this was the place for me within a few day's , as to why that was I just felt I belonged here . I'd spent many months in turmoil with myself , knowing I had to do something to change my life , I was just existing if you can call it that and had reached a make or break poin , where the thought's of ending it all were very real for me .

I sometimes looked around the bookies in the hope that someone would want to talk about gambling problems with me but through my confused eyes thought everyone else didn't have a problem , if that makes sense?.

It really wasn't until I stumbled on this place though , that I got a sense of relief knowing there were many , many others like me who were just trapped in a cycle and not knowing what to do next .

It was totally what I needed and wanted in my life at that point, it showed me a way forward almost instantly and the only requirement I needed was a bit of effort on my part , I'm the sort of person that can be very stronged willed when I need to be but sometimes just need a nudge in the right direction and thats why this is working for me .

Maybe a bit of it is an age thing as well , like many on here I saw gambling as supplementing my income particularly when I was younger , I wanted all the trappings that money can bring and looked on this as easy money , Yeah Right !!.

As I've got older though and stopped gambling and in particular stopped chasing losses and the dream of fortune , I suddenly realised that actually I've already got what I need in life , so whats the point of trying to win what I really don't need, maybe thats it I'm just older and don't need gambling to be in my life to achieve what I want ?.

If it's that simple , I may have answered , why I'm not really struggling with recovery , I don't know maybe that or just total acceptance ?.

Hope that helps , coz I'm still none the wiser ?

Thank you Alan.

Very relatable.

Thank you for your lovely post on my diary & yay on your 1st 22 (soon to be 23 but not quite yet if I pull my finger out) days 🙂

My first few days were indeed a struggle but my recovery (or possibly just my gambling abstaining, the jury's still out) has been, by contrast, relatively easy...Letting go of the losses & accepting I could never gamble again has been a vital step!

Try not to get too bogged down in posting what you think is right as a lot of the time just a 'Hi' on a diary can mean so much & you don't want to feel like coming here is a chore! It's good to see the maturity in your posts telling us no need to worry for a week...Be warned there are some very organised people on here though, don't let it be a second over 7 days 😉

And hey, WTG on day 23 🙂 Keep winning - ODAAT

Thank you ODAAT.

25 days on.

£0 gambled later.

First part complete.

Gambling 124 (1) - (0) 0 Glint

Now to try to go my first calendar month in over ten years without gambling. It's a mental obstacle I need to overcome.

Thankfully February is the shortest month.

Gambling away all my money is what I do. Not only acceptable, but normal to me. It doesn't faze me.

I have felt emptiness for 25 days. Which has helpfully left me without urges to gamble.

I'm determined to go an entire calendar month without gambling.

February 2016 is the month.

Great work on your 1st huge milestone 🙂 I have every faith that you will tackle the next with the same determination!

I have a question...Was it selective or did abject fear of being misunderstood/saying the wrong thing or frustration @ not being understood come into it somewhere? My half sister has a speech impediment & although she was able to manage a few words, her fear kept her silent! No one believed me when I said we used to do the 'My mate Marmite' chant together but she was easily as loud as me coz the little old lady on Margate beach told us both off before marching us back to the olds! You may not 'speak' much but your written words are golden! Is there any reason why you are avoiding starting your own diary? I'm not subscribed to anything else on here now but I'm ticking this box & will be watching & supporting your growth every step of the way - ODAAT

Hi Glint , congrats on your 25 days , 26 now as I write this post , just read your post and what great honesty my friend , I cannot believe from the way you write , what youve had to deal with and I'm truly gobsmacked the way things have been for you !.

You show great strenght of character, and determination for what you want to achieve !

I salute you sir and wish you well in acheiving your goal !

Take care my friend , ......................Alan

Thank you ODAAT, I've had a lot of issues in my life but I've never been subscribed to before.

I'm honoured.

Thank you.

Thank you Alan, keep doing what you do. It's worked for you and you help others. That's what matters.

Get well soon!

Selective mutism is a bit of a misleading name. Being silent isn't by choice. It's a complex and severe anxiety disorder.

It's a bit of a label that covers a lot.

Usually sufferers are children, more likely to be girls (apparently) and typically are able to speak fluently at home but freeze at school or in (new) social situations. For me it was more all adults, for others just certain family members.

ODAAT, your half-sister seemed to show very similar signs. However, if the primary reason for not speaking is a speech impediment it's considered common to be fearful of speaking. As for the old lady in Margate, everyone's a critic they say. The lady was always going to love or hate that little ditty.

When I attempt to speak it can cause me such anxiety that my mind goes blank, I freeze and the words just won't come out. People don't understand, my expressionless face and uncomfortable appearance is often considered to be rude. I've regularly been mocked and moaned at for my silence. Those memories stick with me and create even more anxiety next time.

It's like self-humiliation, very embarrassing and can feel unbearable.

I inadvertently treated my selective mutism with gambling. I lost my independence and was forced to speak to survive.

Gambling has helped one big problem but created a lot of other problems for me.

Why? Great question that I've never asked myself.

Selective mutism is considered a phobia of talking. I don't fear talking; probably at a young age I did, but now I'm used to it.

Being misunderstood - to a small degree.

Saying the wrong thing - I've never really said enough to say the wrong thing.

All creatures initially distrust mankind. It takes time to build up any creatures confidence. My confidence in man was broke at a young age. I've been wary of man ever since, despite being treated well as an adult. It's easier to build confidence than it is to fix it after it has been broken.

As babies we make noise to attract attention. When children speak adults listen (give them attention). Attention I received as a child from adults became increasingly negative. By being silent I thought I'd avoid attention.

I think that behaviour has stuck and set in.

Avoiding a diary? Maybe I do avoid everything in life.

I'd say putting off.

I'm trying to learn how to best use the forum.

My thinking is that the most support is in the diaries. I'm sure I'd be supported more there.

That's one reason why I'm staying here for now. I'd rather base myself where there is less support for people, even out the numbers. Be where I feel I'm most needed.

If people find it easier to stay with the diaries but want to support me, and I make it more difficult for them - good! I want to pull people up from the diaries, spread the support around the forum and improve all your computer navigation skills.

I also have a very long way to go.

I'm not past my introduction.

Great post Glint and am Honoured to be walking alongside you my friend wherever you are on the forum ! Alan from the dark , oops! Diary side ! LOL

Apologies Glint as I haven't read your thread but just seen a few well worded/ thoughtful posts from yourself.

So another thread I need to read when I'm not running.

Selective mutism, something I'll need to Google. I spent my childhood trapped behind a speach impediment. I believe it's your mind being smarter than your mouth. Hence as a speach impediment past the QA takes longer between your brain and mouth. As an adult, I've overcome it quote well, but still have to go back to old days sometimes to push the words out..... bath - baff, roll the tongue after another bollocking... To combat the impediment as a child, I was always pushed back out of the house to confront the bully, it was a good education!!! Even to this day, yet sometimes with the aid of addictions I sometimes found my self going from the bullied to the bully.

I'm rushing around at the minute Glint amd sorry if I've gone off on a tangent but I wish you well and enjoy your weekend.

o*g, good luck getting us old f***s to improve our computer skills 😉

Thank you for the explanation, I was going to ask if you had ever learned to Sign but I guess if your mind goes blank it doesn't matter what makes the words coz they're just not there to come out 🙁 Goodness me, can't people be rude 🙁 & my goodness for someone who struggles to articulate verbally, you more than make up for it on the page!

By staying here, you are using the forum the right way for you & hooray to that! Whether you are avoiding a diary or not is all rather irrelevant really because despite what you may feel about yourself, you are not avoiding your addiction...Your support on here is wise & invaluable & I hope in some way you are finding it helpful to you too!

Thanks for the nudge...That's next on my list 🙂

Ooo, just realised, I only half responded to your post on the 31st...I know you are on a journey of discovery @ the moment & although I can never understand the speaking issues, I hear you, & wonder, have you given any consideration to some online counselling? It's never going to change what you have done to survive but it may give you different tools to help process the thoughts so that they are not so debilitating! I don't think we can ever really forgive ourselves, it just becomes less painful to deal with...I can't change what I did but I sure as hell can make sure I don't go back there!

Have you tried meditation? I had a little go @ the end of a Yoga class recently but by the time the teacher had stuck a load of 'floats' under my b*m & I'd still not managed anything resembling a cross legged position (when did that become impossible) like all the old dears around me & couldn't quite bring myself to "Uhhhhhmmmm" along with the rest of the class, it took the sting out of it a bit 🙁 I may persevere...Thoughts please?

Children with selective mutism are encouraged to communicate with signs, gestures or cue cards.

I would have struggled with that. It would make me even more different and put attention on me. I didn't want to be noticed or acknowledged and longed to vanish from sight.

The problem with sign language would be very few people understand it. It's good thinking; really the signs, gestures and cue cards are like simplified sign language.

I've become very adept at hiding my duelling disorders. I doubt anybody where I am would suspect I have any problems - which is quite incredible.

Showing weakness has never seemed a good strategy when trying to survive.

Hello Glint,

Possibly by ODAAT leading us, i think it would be a good idea to try this out.... https://youtu.be/lauX4dWaJ2Q

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Keep looking at the sky..

My goodness, you really remind me of my old friend 'Phoenix'...So bright & unassuming. You've obviously worked hard @ protecting yourself, where others would have surely failed & yet can't accept credit for what an achievement that is. I love how you pluck bits out of my diary to make me smile 🙂 No grappling hook injuries or anything to warrant the NM dropping a post but rest assured he will if I am somehow incapacitated.

App downloaded & I will be giving it a go shortly...Keep you posted!

Money gambled since joining GamCare is still at £0.

I'll stay focused and dedicated.

Ultimately, February was never going to feel like an entire calendar month anyway; what I need is a proper month with 31 days in it.

March 2016 is the month!