Silence-Broke

Hi Glint

Sorry to hear about your slip. I actually read your entry on Paul’s (Volcano) diary. Your comments triggered a long post on my diary, on the issue of confidence. To be honest whilst the post was about my journey and my views – you were in my thoughts if that makes sense. Feel free to take a look.

I won’t pretend that I wear the same shoes as you. I think I read your description of yourself as having a ‘social phobia’. I have written about my lack of confidence in certain social situations, but it would be more of a milder, social anxiety level (I think). Nonetheless, a lot of what you write resonates with me. “if we wait until we feel ready to do something, we risk never doing anything in our life’”. Bang on – that’s why we need to take action even when it doesn’t ‘feel’ right (easy).

Getting out of, or rather widening, your comfort zone is the key IMHO. Set a goal but break it down into small steps, very small ones, if need be.

I gambled as an escape for about 15 years. Thankfully I haven’t gambled since January 2013. Although I wasn’t aware of this at the time, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure my gambling was due to social-confidence issues. I’ve posted a bit more about my approach on my diary.

You definitely can do it.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi you, I figured there was way more to it than the lack of a printer...Like needing references for a job when ones CV reads like an intro on a dating website but if you aren't able to get the applications in you will never catch a break!

I'm doing ok! Taking stresses & strains in my stride without any input from Tiny Tears & no sign of Mr Gamble either (whoop whoop). Still working on the sleep but instead of 4 earlies this week I only have 2 & it feels gooooood 🙂

I am still here lurking & learning but nowhere near the number of unanswered posts nowadays as was when I started so I don't worry the way I used to anymore! This will be the 1st place I come if I ever have a wobble so no posting is a kinda good thing 🙂

Try & be kind to you - ODAAT

What a mess.

I'll keep trying to find a way.

What do I, of all people have to lose?

I can always learn from this and be better prepared next time.

This was never going to be easy.

Hello Glint,

Keep persevering Glint, it's not easy I know. But what's the alternative?

Looking through the window of GA is also something I've done in the past or at least hovered at the threshold. I think for both of us, it could quite possibly be some form of salvation. Talking through discomfort to non judgemental people who have worn our shoes, could also be good practice for an interview process!! Hence, A no brainer there, talking is also networking So who knows hai!

Keep pushing out the comfort zone and face things head on. Nothing to lose, only to gain..

Thank you volcano.

Frustrated at being unable to do the next part of the job application on my smartphone or the library computer, this week I set off undeterred to a city to find another computer.

Found an internet cafe, spent four hours there. Two of the seven pages wouldn't load. Doing seven would increase my chance of employment, I could only do five.

No excuses, just how it happened. Didn't matter - I passed anyway!

Feels like I'm winging it all the way. Still a long way to go, plus background checks.

Don't like public computers. Bit funny about germs. Had to use headphones too. Thorough wash of hands and head after in the nearest public toilet. You would think people had never seen someone obsessively washing their ears in public before.

Next up they want to see me. I'm going to have to interact with a group. I've been nervous since getting the invite. Feels too much, too soon. Chose the latest possible date to go. It's still before the end of this month!

This is difficult and stressful.

I'm going to have to buy an outfit for this one day. Shoes and everything. I also need to save money because I've got nowhere to live again soon. Deposits are not cheap.

Job or home?

I'm thinking job. This would be life changing for me. Having no home isn't new to me; having a good job is.

On the train home, there was a problem with one of the carriages. All the people from the broken down carriage piled into an already packed train. Standing squashed in the middle of the carriage, as far away from either door as possible, a lady behind wanted to get off at the next stop. With a load of people in front not moving, I ploughed a way through for the lady, assertively (yes, really) telling people we need to let the lady off as I went. When I got to the door people were about to step on - I politely told the entire platform to stand back to let the lady off.

In the city with all my money, bookies everywhere. I didn't gamble, but it was busy in the city after four hours on a computer, I was hungry, uncomfortable, I didn't know if the soap in the toilet was the moisturising antibacterial stuff I like and just wanted to get home. Not the test I expected it to be.

Last week I had my first haircut in about two years. All I did was gamble. Really stopped looking after myself. Paying for it now. My new hair has received a unanimously positive response.

It isn't just a new haircut.

It makes a statement.

This is a change in lifestyle.

Shoot, loved that post Glint. Had been wondering how you were getting on, and that post confirmed the strength In you that I can read between the lines.

As for winging it! We all do, the ones who say they are not are the ones being led by there ego. The haircut a good statement and I've only just really discovered Primark, you can get some good gear in there. Cleaning ourselves internally and externally sure adds to the feel good factor.

I was wondering whether any more consideration for GA or even therapy. They could act as a good prep for the end of the month interview? I also used this forum as inspiration on the days I went for interviews..... it's a toughie but keep reminding yourself how far you've come and that despite any thoughts to the contrary ' we are all equal '.

Job or home. You deserve both but go along for the one day at a time. Sure some days are going to be shittier than others, but hai Ho. ...

Louis has some excellent points on confidence, action first as hard as it may seem at times, then things will fall into place

Hi Glint , i feel you 're pain . Every stuttering step of it, im in the midst of it myself, gambling has robbed me of nearly everything as well. Its a constant struggle my friend as we both and all know ,us deluded CGs . You are not alone and ive sent you a message m8.

Hi Glint , firstly just wanted to say a big thank you for your kind comments earlier , we've not spoken for a bit and it was nice to read your post earlier and a really good one at that , full of positivity !..

With your grit and determination dealing with life you deserve a massive break my friend and I'm sure in the not too distant future things will begin to come right for you and opportunity will open up before you where you will become a huge asset to any company you choose to work for .

When I read the paragraph about the lady on the train it really blew me away and showed tremendous courage and guts on your part .

Keep striving for your dreams Glint because soon they will become a reality my friend !

Best wishes ...............Alan

Hi Glint

Just wanted to drop a quick line to say thanks for your post on my diary. You've certainly got an endearing way with words. I read your post this morning and my immediate reaction was to feel a bit overwhelmed and shut my laptop. Reminded me of those times when I was in really high spirits or had some good news, and running off to gamble - running away from the good feelings as well as the bad.

Anyway, I settled down and re-read in a more relaxed and appreciative manner. I'm pleased to read of your commandeering of Kings X and agree getting a haircut is a positive move and more than just a cosmetic one.

Best wishes
Louis

Thank you volcanic, lostsoul999, Alan and Louis.

Forms.

I thought doing the online tests for the job was difficult.

When they see me they want lots of forms filled in. Understandable, it's a responsible job. Some forms I went to the library to print out. I liked those ones. Another had to be electronically filled in and printed. This required a huge amount of personal details. The form was about 30 pages long. Not something I wanted to be doing on a public computer.

Thought it would be safer to download Microsoft Excel app, do it on my smartphone, then email it to myself to print in the library.

Genius.

It didn't work.

But I wasn't about to take - "This version of Microsoft Excel can't open workbooks with: form controls and watch window" for an answer.

No.

Deterred but determined, with a bag full of ID and a complete disregard for the security of my personal details, off I set to the library. For another form I needed to download it with WiFi to my Google Drive then print it. Two dodgy WiFi connections, two hours of filling my personal details into a public computer, and about 70 pages printed (at 10p each) later, I had all but two forms completed.

One of which my current employer needs to electronically fill in and print out for me.

Then reality hit.

Reading my forms through at home it became clear: I won't pass vetting. They even do credit checks. Before I get my employer involved, spend money on clothes and travel - I've pulled out.

Sadly, my gambling past has put an end to this venture.

I accept this. Very few jobs will want to do background checks like this one. I need someone to give me a chance - this job cannot afford to take the risk. I understand.

Sent an email thanking them for the invite, but unfortunately, after much consideration, I have decided to withdraw my application.

Sorry to hear that glint.

Ive a similar thing going on ,im having to rent for a long time now as my gambling history will bar me from a mortgage. (ive looked into it) ,all they ins and outs of 100s and 1000s overf the last 2 years is a lot to explain to a mortgage peeps at the bank. Quite shameful . I suppose it gives me time to try save a little bit more into small deposit i have now.

The consequences of our gambling actions go on and on m8 eh !

That sucks after putting all that effort it but sheesh, look how determined you are 🙂 Is it worth another email saying 'look, the vetting is going to show that I've made some really dumb r*e mistakes & I don't have a pot to p133 in but let me come in & show you what I can do' then offer them a day or 2 of free labour?

This ain't the end of things, I know that but I'm still frustrated for you. I'm not sure that this is going to help but in 1993, Burger King turned me down for a job (without being too mean, I can only assume I was over qualified) & instead I fell into a career that I remain in to this day. Keep pushing - ODAAT

Hai Glint, that sucks!

Had thought about you last night and Checked back to see when you last posted. I remembered the one week rule....

I still think you should get the new clobber. Make another statement so to speak..

I'm sure as you said that you spent alot of consideration before you decided to pull out. Can I ask, did you speak to anyone about that particular decision? The reason I ask that, is when I have similar decisions to make, I tend to talk AT a friend about it, not for advice, but I find it easier to clarify my decision.

Keep pushing Glint, never let up and soon you will get that break.. Its a game out there and just being in the right place at the right time, or meeting some one random will be key..

As always I wish you well

Thank you lostsoul999, ODAAT and volcano.

Gambled again this week, on Wednesday. Lottery, one lucky dip and numbers for three weeks - £14. The ticket ends 26/3. It was my immediate reaction to deciding to pull out of the job.

GA is something I want to experience. At work most days when the local group meet. I'll get to a meeting, not sure when.

Never even considered a mortgage. For the best. I'd have no chance. Having a fixed address is good for me.

I would have happily worked for free. The job would have been a career. Something I'd be proud to be, a job I'd take pride in and dedicate myself to. A chance to help people. The interview was over five hours long, made up of all kinds of tests. Sounded more like the Krypton Factor than a job interview.

If I had passed the interview day, with all the tests, some of which involved interacting with others - I would have been proud of myself.

I don't know how that feels.

I would have been in a responsible position. I looked at my application and the vetting guidelines; there's no way they could take a chance. I'd be a risk. Not what they want. If I messed up, people's safety would be at risk. It would come back on the vetting people. They have to do their job. Strict rules.

Maybe it isn't for me to decide that I'm not suitable. If I had money I would have gone for the experience.

Happy to be held to the one week rule. I'm committed to this site.

Clothes are a big part of who we are. Most of my clothes are tellingly older than my gambling addiction. Girlfriends have bought me a few items of clothing over the years but I always discourage it.

I'd like to buy clothes. It would help me. I can't afford to. I have a few hundred pounds that I need to keep saving - I don't know how much I'll need for when I have to move shortly.

Going to the job would have made moving difficult for me, but I wanted a career more than a home.

Didn't speak to anyone. Didn't tell anyone about the job. Nobody knows about my addiction. Nobody would think vetting would be a problem for me. Did a lot of research instead. Very difficult decision.

Been a bad week. Invested a lot of time, money and worry into the job. Then pulled out and gambled.

Yep & came back here with your heart on your sleeve & that is progress 🙂

It's poo that you gambled but & I don't say this as lightly as it sounds, you didn't stand for hours losing yourself in a fairytale world, you made a decision & followed through with it in the hope that it would allow you to breath the fairytale...I get it! I think you've read my diary so you know I still do the lottery & you'll also then know the main urges I have had come from poisons that I never enjoyed the way I did with the machines. The GA way of nothing does make sense but these are our journeys & don't you think you've punished yourself enough over the years?

Rules suck when you just need a shot, esp when you know you would have given your all to it & made a success of the career but try & take the learning from this, it has been far from a complete waste of time! If I ran a business, I'd hire you!