Silence-Broke

Thank you Forum admin and ODAAT.

This week I did not gamble.

I came close.

Spent some time compiling a football accumulator (that went on to lose), for the first time wasted mobile data playing slot demos (which I didn't like) and watched one horse race.

Phew!

Friday should have been an important day for me this week.

I should have been setting off for a job assessment. An opportunity. Except my gambling past forced me to pull out due to strict vetting.

Sad.

I had my heart set on Friday being a positive day for me.

Would it of ended in triumph or silently frozen in embarrassment?

I wasn't exactly ready, but willing to find out.

We'll never know.

My plans were in tatters.

But Friday wasn't a day I was going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. That's not what I do.

I made other plans.

I applied for another job first thing Friday morning (entirely with my smartphone). This has potential. I'm a little under-qualified for the role, but if I let that put me off I'd never apply for anything. Doesn't mention hours or pay. The location looks nice for a new start.

The original job I looked at is also being advertised again. My last setback has taught me a lot about computers. Should be able to upload a CV and apply before the closing date this time.

My health is still a concern.

Application in - I went out to the city Friday morning to buy some running gear. Exercised Friday evening.

Purchased some more grooming products in the city. Including some tea tree & witch hazel face masks.

Recommended.

On the subject of cosmetics - please do not buy any products that contain microbeads. They evade water filtration systems and the plastic doesn't break down.

Microbeads are likely to be banned soon; in the meantime, we need to take responsibility and make sure as few of them are washed away as possible.

Look after the ocean please.

Help prevent pollution.

Spent way more money than I should this week. Really need to be saving money for the inevitable and increasingly problematic move.

More to come on that soon.

On Friday I applied for a job, started exercising, posted on the forum, deeply nourished my face and importantly did not gamble.

In my assessment: Friday was an important day after all.

It's how I mean to go on.

Hai Glint,

I'm a tad weary eyed, hence a weary eyed post.

If I had passed the interview day, with all the tests, some of which involved interacting with others - I would have been proud of myself.

I don't know how that feels.

I read your previous post the other day and thought the need you to flip that and indeed be proud of your self. There's many a old proverb/ line which will back me up in my opinion of flipping.... Your looking to address your past, your looking to address your gambling, you've got strength in abundance, yet dont realise it, you have a gift of articulating your thoughts.. humbleness is a rare gift, your supportive on this forum and im sure the list goes on.....And to top it re-read your last post.

As always Glint.. I wish you well

On a little bit of the repeats here, but you articulate your thoughts very clearly and have a talent.

Thanks for your post and thats the 2nd swedes proverb I've enjoyed reading from your good self.

I may get shot down here, but I see my present gamble free time at the 90 day mark, yet I randomly bye lottery tickets. I see that as a dream, and not an escape/ avoidance.. Maybe wrong, but hai Ho.

Jumping away a little bit here, but wanted to share my experience of a bad speach impediment. My old man educated me in away that after years I finally respected, but resented him at the time. It was easier facing up to a bully, than getting the wharf of my dad, so that made me a little scrapper.

It was when I was about 11, that all of a sudden ( it felt ) I could actually talk and string a sentence together, albeit a odd accent and fairly quietly spoken. And it developed over the years. I got into bricklaying as a young man, which suited someone not completely comfortable with speaking and also having social anxiety ( only recently, finding that label ). The bricks never talked back or wanted a conversation.

Drink, kept my bravado up out of work and helped with the speaking and SA. When, I had my accident, I thought I was f****d as I thought this was a lifetime paralysis.

What helped me immensely after this was working in my friends rough inner city pub and now I had to talk and this started setting me up for my next step. When I moved into the roll I do now and with which I've done for the past 20 years, I had to move into another uncomfortable zone and talk to sub contractors and attend meetings. Initially, I would find it hard in meetings, but eventually after time, I started becoming more vocal. Now I still speak fairly quietly bur clearly and can get by well. I still have anxiety with confident people and this is my next step im working on.

This long winded post is now coming to the conclusion, and what im getting to is my belief in GA. The bigger reason I will attend is not so much for the gambling support but to help me with stepping put of my comfort zone and hopefully mix with a mixed range of people. And it's free to boot...

To me now, talking is one of the biggest door and opportunity openers I can think off. I'm 49, so better late than never.

All the best Glint..

Good too hear you are positive Glint . And gamble free . it will all come together soon my friend, as we go further into our lifes without the stress and strains of gambling , the job situation will come good and youre head will clear completely.

You need to stay away from them demos and filling out ,what if accumulators m8 ... they will trigger and you need to aviod them now... stay positive and use youre time better m8 ... its hard but we know where that road leads too.

Today we will not gamble , good luck Glint !

Thank you volcano and lostsoul999.

As I continue to try to change my life entirely in every aspect, bit by bit and very slowly I start to re-engage with reality.

I'm not liking it.

I'm trying to change it.

That's what I need to do.

I've been struggling.

Without gambling I have been noticing more how much I have deteriorated, particularly in the last few years.

It's sad.

My health is poor. I have started to eat better and exercise more. Much of the time I still find myself languishing in mind, body and spirit. Every now and then at night (for some reason) I feel like I might be about to have some sort of attack and find standing hard work. Makes me wonder if I have self-inflicted too much damage excessively gambling non-stop for over ten years.

Question whether I've ever been cut out for life.

Every morning I wake up grateful for the chance to change.

Went for a run and ate an avocado yesterday.

My skin is soft.

Day off, up early to make the most of today.

I'll keep doing my best.

Heard nothing from the job I applied for yet. Going to need to keep looking. There's not that many opportunities for me.

Moving I could really do without. Two people want me to move in with them. I have more money in the bank now than I have for years - thank you GamCare. There's a room in a house I might look at. I have options and money for a deposit if needed, as long as I don't gamble it away. Some will require me to sign up for a minimum of three months which isn't ideal when I'm looking for jobs that are a long way away.

No more outstanding lottery tickets. April is another chance to finally go my first calendar month without gambling in over ten years.

It would be the first calendar month without gambling in the history of my addiction.

Bit of a disjointed, staying up when I'm feeling down post.

Captures my recent mood.

April 2016: making (not repeating) history.

Hello Glint. Again thanks for your post. They always make me think!

Agreed about the rock bottom! There's alway possibly that trap door, so I guess it's finding that plateau and striving up from there.

You mentioned in a post to me about not having the fighting spirit. I completely disagree, I think you've got more spirit than you realise, but not possibly tapped into it. My ex, was a school teacher among many things and wanted to change the world, one thing that use to upset her, as she believed we were all equal and have the same opportunities, I use to tell her she was full of shi.te and easy for her to say as she'd had a fortunate upbringing. But in a fashion, her logic was right.

It bugs me when you hear old boys, saying ' when I was a kid, blah de blah ' was a different era. Our spirit is just the same as our forefathers, just, ' Same, same but different.

"Think we've both found that what we feared - being forced out our comfort zone - is what we needed. In the absence of any silver platters, it's the only way anyone will progress in life."

That was a paragraph you posted to me. Agreed about having to step out of the comfort zone to live but disagree regarding the silver platter. It made me think about an work experience I had years ago, working on some Thames side flats and a big lump of a man getting one as a 21st birthday present with all the brand new furnishings. Everyday I use to walk past him and nod, knowing full well, I would get grief in the avo from his 5ft feisty mother about something or other not working and 9/10 it was down to common sense and pushing a button...So, I guess a silver platter yoy view life differently.... Sounding a bit aloof there, but the balance would be having the silver platter with the understanding of humbleness and the everyday man.

I'm a bit of a Paul Random Irrelevant chap today....

Now for your post above. Life is scary after taking the gambling goggles off, it's a bit akin to the beer goggles and waking the next day and thinking w*f ( builders ego talk ).Without gambling, we're now looking at life on life's terms. It's far from perfect but comes back to stepping out of our personal comfort zones.

It's no consolation but anything worth having doesn't come easy. That's where the Odaat comes into it. Taking everyday as it comes and even in the most sh.itty of days, just keep moving forward. Of course some days, we have f**k it thoughts, they need to be banished.

"Question whether I've ever been cut out for life." That line grabbed me, my pal said it to me a couple of years ago. I think it's about finding our life and staying true to our values.... tangent alert !!!

Keep moving forward Glint! Your last line tickled me ' staying up, when i'm down post " Go with the emotions, the corners get shorter.

Now, Odaat let's make April count.. deal?

Hey Glint,

Just thought i'd drop by and say thanks for writing on My Diary.

Your Diary is a very good read and as you said, very similar experiences to mine - Im gutted the job that needed extensive backround checks was a non starter as thats probably exactly what you needed - But then again ''Whats for you wont go passed you'' . Thats providing you put yourself in situations where oppurtunities can appear - I think gambling is the biggest hinderance to that - We are so busy caught up in the gambling bubble - Eyes down, engrossed in a FOBT we have missed the oppurtinity walking by outside.

I think it speaks volumes that you said you are starting to value yourself more - Thats cracking mate, think you have too. You arent a bad person, far from it by the sounds of it - Its just you like myself and the hundreds on here are addicted to Gambling - Thats our downfall. I guess we just have to get strong and determined and make sure we destroy this part of ourself that brings us down.

As I said thanks for the comment on my diary and ill visit your diary in the following weeks,

All the best bud,

Drew

Stay strong and focussed Glint. NO more negative thoughts in any way my friend,its not easy but gets easier as the days go bye. The damage and despair we both know that the gambling has done to our health and sanity can slowly be undone. Its robbed me of everything and game me high blood pressure due to the stress of it all.... but we need to stay on this road.We really really need to keep on moving on gamble free. ! Good luck on youre recovery !

Hi Glint - found your diary which i promised myself I would hunt for when you last posted - havent seen you on the site in a bit! You are probably out saving the ocean...or busy with job hunting....but check in and let us know your ok and still on for a gamble free April!

Yo Glint,

7 day Alert..... calling out Glint, im in need of some placards and people to carry them.

As with Rose, how's about a check in, in between saving the oceans....

Thank you volcano, Drew2002, lostsoul999 and Rose80.

Apologies for my late response.

Gambling 127 (4) - (0) 0 Glint

Currently I'm a recovery renegade gambling amok.

Tiger numbers in the wild are showing an increase for the first time in over a century.

It's nice to see you back glint, there were a few of us missing your presence!

Not sure how to read your post but if you have had a little slip then dust yourself down and know that we are all behind you 100% to provide any support you need!

Let us know how the job hunting is going too!

Hai Glint, I know your there somewhere but you've missed your 7 day rule.

I'm hoping your busy living....

Big thanks Rose80 and volcano.

The job I applied for in March did state that it could be weeks before I heard anything. Kept checking my application online, but it was just telling me they had received it. Then the interview date changed from 'to be confirmed' to 'Friday May 6th'.

It didn't say I had an interview, but thought it was a good sign.

Then I received an email.

Bad news.

My application wasn't considered strong enough and I won't be invited to an interview.

I've spent hours looking for jobs and had applied for one every month I've been on the forum. Not this month. Feels like I've quickly exhausted my very limited options.

I'm lost.

All I've done, all I know is gambling.

With no future, I returned to my past.

Gambled about five days this month. Barriers down, I've not tried to resist. Disappointing and damaging, but that's the choice I made - the consequences I accept.

April 2016 has been a lost month.

Lacklustre.

Been feeling a little ill but not the feeling-like-I'm-about-to-collapse ill. A more ill-ill.

I'll take it.

Trying to eat meals but finding my body isn't used to eating properly.

Anyway, didn't plan on posting. Smartphone had an update which caused a data wipe out. I'll be quiet for the next ten days until I have free data again.

For the record: the longest I've ever gone without posting is five days. I take posting within seven days very seriously. I've never broke the seven day rule.

I won't.

Hi Glint,

Firstly on the job front - we all get knock backs but please dont lose hope. Our addiction thrives on this and drags us back into the awful cycle of destruction. Keep applying for jobs & jump on the internet to research how to write CV's so yours is up to scratch - not trying to teach you to suck eggs but I have recruited heavily for my current employer and the amount of people we reject purely because their CV was poor in some way is unreal.

Secondly - you say your a man of your word and I believe that, so lets make this a gamble free month for you. There will be knocks, things wont be smooth but you can do this. Glint, you post some great things around this site, have some faith that you can kick this addiction too. Your future is what you make of it so lets make it gamble free.