Where do i begin! how many times must i make the same mistake until it registers that i am destroying everything? where will it end, when will it end? well it ends here!!!
I am tired of feeling this way. The feeling sick with worry all the time, the feeling of thinking that one day i will have no one to turn to, to speak to because i am isolating my self away from everyone and everything. how the hell did i even get here? I can ask myself a thousand questions every single day but every single day i will still have no answers. This is stupidity. pure stupidity!
I have blown every penny that i have. I am ashamed beyond words and this time i have hit an all time low. i have blown just under 5K in the matter of just a couple of months, why? i dont know why! Do you know what i could have done with that money? how much more comfortable i could be in day to day everyday life for at least the next 2 years? its always the same old story..... i start chasing the first £200 i have lost on slot machines. all this is down to casino slot machines. The crazy thing is i have NEVER played online slots because i knew that if i started i would never stop and thats a dangerous game. Laughable huh! Instead i do the 40 or so minute drive to the casino and feed my money into a machine that way. well NO MORE d**n it. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I cant do this anymore. I wont do this anymore. I could tell you a hundred storys and then some about the times i have been in the casino playing slots and throughout my recovery diary im sure i will reveal all. I need your help. I need your support. I need a bloody miracle.This is day 2 for me gamble free and i swear with my hand on my heart that i will give evrything that i have to stay gamble free.
Star
xxx
Hi Star,
Glad to see you are back posting again. One day at a time and thiings will slowly go back into place.
I hit a huge rock bottom in order for me to abstain. You might have just reached that point and the only way is up again.
Fab news on day 2. Well done you. Get this diary moving - rant - rave whatever it takes. Either here or on FB.
You know we are all rooting for you.
Take care and best wishes x
Hi Star and welcome back , the main thing is that your'e back , your'e being honest and above all else your'e still moving forward !.
Well done my friend and keep the faith !
Hi Star and welcome back , the main thing is that your'e back , your'e being honest and above all else your'e still moving forward !.
Well done my friend and keep the faith !
Alan thank you so much for supporting me also. Believe me I need all the help I can get right now. B I think you are so right. I have been a fool many MANY times but something feels very different this time. It's funny because when disaster was striking on Saturday I knew then sat there that that would be my last day of gambling. We will beat this then I would love to help others beat this sadness too day 2, go me! Star xxx
Hi Star - yes go you on starting your diary and being on day 2 of recovery. You sound really determined to beat this horrible addiction. 2016 is gonna be stars year!! Much love wcid x
Hi wcid. Yes I am very determined this time. It will be my last time. I feel sick just thinking about it and I don't wish to feel like this anymore. Bring on day 3!!! Star x
Hi Star,
I thought I will make my own contributions to your diary through I dont normally do that as I don't somehow feel I am qualified to do that. When I was reading your entry I had to double check to mke sure I was not reading about myself. The feelings that your describe are the exact same feeling I had as early as yesterday. I have been here some many times over the last 13 years and everytime was the last time until the next time so on and so on...After previous relapses you most probably know by now what you need to do to kick this habbit ..its time so stop saying what will do and doing what we are say... break the triangle (Time-Location-Money) in my case if I cut the money out I have nothing to gamble with sounds simple enough..if you cant gamble than then rest will fall into place..eventually...Just one day at a time...lets stay focused..Take care
Hi Donas. Thank you for posting on my diary. Today is day 3 and right now I'm still feeling determined. The thought of spending anymore money is making me physically sick. Before after a big loss I would say to myself let me go back and just try get my money back with another £50. What harm could it do after losing 5,6,7 hundred the day before? But only now I realise that if you don't play you don't lose which means everyday I stay away I am Infact a winner!!! As I stated earlier it will take me at least 6-9 months to undo the damage I have done and that guts me tremendously but what can I do, the damage is done. What's your story? Star X
Star,
Glad you're back. Sorry to be boring, but have you handed over full financial control, blocked your devices, self excluded from a wide radius and arranged for GA and or counselling?
It's what you do that will change things for you. Intentions aren't enough on their own. You need to keep the time money location triangle broken.
Wish you well,
CW
Hi CW, its great to hear from you.
Yes things are very different this time around. I have no money on me other than a ten pound note in my purse for bread, milk etc and have handed my cards over to someone else. I've also requested counselling from my doctor and am waiting to hear from them- hopefully it won't take too long. I am SO determined this time around and believe with my hand on my heart I needed to get this far in order to recover once and for all. Fingers crossed. Star x
DAY 3 GAMBLE FREE. Things feel so different this time around I almost feel like this is my punishment without being punished. I know what I mean lol I'm off sick from work at the moment and in the past when I was off work or it was holidays I would always end up in the casino 'to make me feel better' or to 'pass the time'. I honestly have no desire to be there or to gamble, Infact I'm trying to not let my mind even go there. I refuse to give it the satisfaction! I'm sure there will be rough days ahead and there will be some storms but you can't get a rainbow without the rain, right? Star X
Hi star - just checking in! Welcome day 3 gamble free xx Wcid x
Star.. i dont want take over your diary..but i will do it just this one....my story is probably like most people here and people still out there...it all started with an innocent bet down the bookies about 13 years ago and then discoverd that you can do this online and that was it for me...the first 5 years I lost all of my savings and all of my student loan...then I did stop for about 4-5 years while I was in a long term relationship and the broke up and that left me emotionally and financially broken....to the point where I had to move back with my folks to pick up the pieces and I did save and paid everything off and the life felt normal again...until one day almost out of the blue...I thought why not its only £10.00 no harm done....only few thousand quid later your back with your demons...and it has been stop start up until last year when again I had myself financially stable...but for some stupid reason I took out a credit card to buy myself a new laptop...why did I not use my savings for that I really don't know and that left the door open to demons to walk in once again and 6.5k later I am emotionally drained looking to pick up the pieces...
I am cutting out one thing that keep me gambling and that is access to money completely...deep down if you relapsed more than one once you know exactly what you need to do to fix it...just do it and keep that door shut completely...just don't leave anything to chance...just take it from me and don't do it... that money is gone but we still have our lives to live...day by day...week by week..month by month you will be thinking about it less and less but only if you keep that door firmly shut...otherwise you will be like me and will come back again and again and each time you will feel worse...just no more...you know you can do it...keep strong
Donas thank you for sharing on my diary. Your story rings alarm bells. We must stay away. We can do this but we have to do it for ourselves. Here's hoping we can x
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