STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Thank you guys 🙂 you all make his horrid journey worth while xx

DAY 29! Why oh why is this journey so bloody hard? It's like not being able to eat chocolate when you have PMT ( ladies you must know this feeling ), it's like wanting a cigarette desperately when you don't have any. It's just hard. Many of you have asked me why I haven't self excluded. I have done ... Sort of. I've banned myself twice maybe three times before where I restricted my visits to once/twice a month. In reality all I did was spend triple the amount of money in one day. This time round I had to write a letter asking them to ban me completely for 6 months. I was gutted doing that but when I did it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know I can do a lot more but something in me just isn't ready to do that. Right now I am like an alcoholic getting sober cold turkey. I spent a lot of my time crying today, just feeling down and frustrated with this situation. I've wanted to slap myself for being so silly in the past but then I remembered what's done is done and there is no way that money is ever coming back. It's gone. For good. The only way I can win is to stay away and 29 days is friggin awesome for me-I'm a winner already! Here's to 30 days, with my hand on my heart I can and will make it a gamble free day tomorrow. Xx star xX

It's really hard because you're not burying your head in the sand (aka hugging a machine) anymore & those emotions are just slamming hard into your run down mind & body!

You are doing great & beach?!? You kept that one quiet!

I'm a bit confused about the exclusions as you should be able to stomp straight up to the desk with a couple of mug shots & demand a self exclusion form! May take them some time to find them but once they've glanced up @ you, hands on your hips, steam coming out of your ears & realised you aren't going anywhere, they usually materialise! I know you say you're not ready but if you don't close that door properly, Mr Gamble will be constantly beckoning you through it! I have emailed Forum admin to see if you want to trade emails...No pressure but the offer is there if you want to take me up & I will happily assist you with the exclusion if you think a bit of support may make the difference? (Hoping that you're based somewhere Sarf of the Watford Gap?!)

Keep fighting Star - ODAAT

Day 5 and still fighting !

Go Star!!

Feb.x

Thank you Feb X ODAAT they have my photo on the system Hun. I had to sit in a room and explain why I wanted to be banned. When 6 months is up I have to sit in that same room and give them my reasons for wanting to be allowed back in. Forum admin emailed me 🙂 hopefully we can email asap xx Star xx

DAY 30! And A fresh month. Going to write my long post tomorrow as I'm half asleep now xxx

Hey star how you doing love x

DAY 32! How hard is this? Why do I feel like I've hit a brick wall? I want so much to gamble, not to lose my money but to just play! I'm not sure if others understand what I am trying to say or if only I do. The first few weeks were a breeze. I really thought I had this... How wrong was I? While I am proud I have managed to stay gamble free for sooo long, I am also gutted that I want to do it so bad. I think I'm a little P****d off that although I haven't gambled I still have no d**n money! I know that the money I have spent in the last month has gone wisely but it still gets to me and I know that is wrong. I need to focus on something else, I need to find something that I enjoy doing just as much-it's going to be very hard! I still lay awake at night thinking about the slots. I wonder if others have won, how much they have won, if a jackpot is due out etc. What a waste of my time! Why oh why can't I think of other things, important things, why is this addiction still poisoning my mind? I want to slap myself sometimes, to wake up out of this nightmare, to forget that money grabbing place ever existed. I am so shocked to see how many of us are in the same situation. Before gamcare it was like I was hiding a dirty secret but as the saying goes, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. They say time is a healer, I don't believe in that. I believe you just learn to go on and sometimes I think that I will never get over this mess, I will always that that gambling part inside me. I hope I am wrong, for my sake and for those around me. I'm trying to keep this hand firmly on my heart but it's pounding so hard it's started to push it away............. Star xx

Hey star, what you feeling is quite normal, when we have abstained for a few weeks, can totally relate to wanting to just play for the fun of it, but it's not fun for us, it's just a road to self destruction:((, we can't play because we won't stop because we are CGs:(

Keep stron determined and guard tightly, up, these thoughts will soon diminish back into the gutter, just keep pushing through.

32 days is great going, keep your hand on your heart and keep winning for real.

Keep strong tonight:))

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne. I really hope you are right. I just sat and watched eastenders but I couldn't tell you what it was about, I just thought about gambling the whole time. Not because I want to go but just because I can't get it out of my mind gggrrrrrrrr... Feel like pulling my hair out strand by strand. It's so frustrating wanting to block it from your mind but not being able to! I hope you are well and still keeping strong. Thank you as always for your support Hun xxx

Keep it placed there Star, feel the pounding it will change, just like the weather.

You've got a talent in expressing feelings we all have. Your posts are straight from the heart.

And can understand you not paying any intentions to East enders, maybe time to use the remote control. No dirty Den and Angie = No show

Hey you didn't miss much on Eastenders lol,

Keep strong Hun, have a drink, bath shower, anything to distract you, you will feel different very soon, it's only negative thoughts :((

Sending you strong and positive thoughts and a hug (((((STAR)))))

Sxxxx

DAY 32-POST 2!!! I've come to bed but don't think there will be much sleep for me tonight. My brain is ready to go pop. Let's go back to the old me. The happy me. The naive me. The fun me..... Rewind to before the gambling and losing my daughter, I was happy. I can honestly say I enjoyed life. I was lucky enough growing up to not have to worry about money. I had two sets of parents ( divorced ) who spoilt me rotten because each felt so bad that I was in a broken family I guess. Eventually I got married and was adored by my husband. He never had his bank card, it was always in my purse! He didn't even know what went in and what went out, just asked for the odd £20 here and there. I took care of all the bills, shopping etc. I admit I was a shopper, probably buying shoes or boots every week if not for me then for my kids- because I could. We wasn't in debt, we had a comfortable life, we had a happy home and there was always food in the fridge. There was always full cudboards and at least a months worth of gas and electricity in the metre........ How things have changed!!!!! I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself ( before my pandora charms last month ), I even gave up window shopping because what was the point? My fridge is bare now compared to what it was before. Don't get me wrong, there's food in there the kids like to eat but there's no surprises like before. Cudboards again have the bare minimum, only what the kids like to eat-I'm happy to go without! Gas and electricity is minimum amount each week just to tick me over. This is the life that's now or at least up to December just gone. How did I get it so bad? w*f happened. Every day now is a struggle to get up, to think, to function, to smile. That's not life. That's just existence. It's crazy how things can turn around from good to bad in a blink of an eye. I'm thankful that I've managed to hide most of these feelings from my children. I know they are not stupid, but I know 100% they don't know the full extent of my problem. I want to be that girl again. I miss that girl. I liked that girl d**n it but a machine stole her. A machine with hundreds of random numbers inside took away her innocence and naivaty and turned her into what she is today. It is possible to destroy that machine right? It's just a robot, a piece of metal and my life is worth so much more so screw you machine. I will forget about you, I will not let your random numbers destroy me any longer. I will not let you tear my family apart, I will not let you keep my cudboards almost empty and my fridge bare. I will not let you be the judge on wetha I can afford to put my heating on in all the bedrooms or not and most of all I will not let you steal my smile completely. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An hour ago I was losses off because I had urges to be ' there' and now I'm angry that I even had those urges. What a roller coaster ride- who needs Alton towers lol. I've messed up big time but only I can make things better. I'm not going to punish myself though because this was a journey I had to take, it was a lesson I had to learn. What I must concentrate on now is not making the same mistake twice..... I feel so much better getting all of that out, I'm sorry if I've sent you to sleep lol but stick around because I have so much more to share!! I can now say with my hand on my heart, those random numbers won't be sucking me in tomorrow! Sweet dreams my dear friends. Star xxxx

Hi Star I've just had a right panic. I opened you diary and thought I had pressed first unread and started reading your first post and was gutted the I realised. I have read your last post and feel so much better yes it's a struggle but look how you are dealing with it each day I see you getting stronger it might not feel that way now but it will.

for me one day it just clicked for me that was day 68 after a comment from day@atime. Your day might be just round the corner keep strong.

KTF