STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hey star - I feel like kicking that machine!! You will get your smile, your full cupboards and fridge and life back! You've faced some tough days but have survived them all, it's time to make some good memories my lovely! xx

Hey star - I feel like kicking that machine!! You will get your smile, your full cupboards and fridge and life back! You've faced some tough days but have survived them all, it's time to make some good memories my lovely! xx

I've kicked it twice!! Just making sure xx

Well done Star.

Kick those Robots into touch and keep your hand firmly fixed on your heart instead!

Take care.

Feb.

Star, your posts always touches all the emotions of the roller coaster. You show honesty, vulnerability and courage in your gift of writing, which I believe you don't know exists.

Hold on tight, the rollercoaster does indeed go up and down. Keep looking at the Star with your hand on your heart as inspiration.

How you doing Star, hope you are having a calmer evening :))

Suzanne xxx

Hi Star....

Looks like your doing really well. ill have a read of your diary properly soon!

keep in contact!

Hi Suzanne.... Kept myself busy eating far too much chocolate this evening lol. I'm doing ok though, another day nearly over! Xx. Hi Chris! You found me then.... Who's the stalker now lol 🙂 it's been a tough journey so far, I just hope the journey gets easier. You are doing great, keep it up xx

awww sorry I made you panic! All is good my end, I'm cracking up slowly but it's all good lol xx

Hi Star I've just had a right panic. I opened you diary and thought I had pressed first unread and started reading your first post and was gutted the I realised. I have read your last post and feel so much better yes it's a struggle but look how you are dealing with it each day I see you getting stronger it might not feel that way now but it will.

for me one day it just clicked for me that was day 68 after a comment from day@atime. Your day might be just round the corner keep strong.

KTF

volcano wrote: Star, your posts always touches all the emotions of the roller coaster. You show honesty, vulnerability and courage in your gift of writing, which I believe you don't know exists. Hold on tight, the rollercoaster does indeed go up and down. Keep looking at the Star with your hand on your heart as inspiration.

thank you volcano! I just write what I feel. I've often wondered if what I write is understood! It feels great to let it all out, a big weight gets lifted if only for a little while. Thank you so much for your support x

WCID wrote:

I've kicked it twice!! Just making sure xx hehehe that made me giggle ma! I'm still being a good girl, thank you for always being there 😉

DAY 33!! Today I have been mostly busy and the time has flown by. It was almost like I was cleaning in a rage lol then when I decided to start cleaning windows and realised I had run out of windowlene the tears started flowing. I became a little ratty this afternoon and all it took was for him to say 'oooo are you having withdrawal symptoms' and all hell broke loose!! I know I have been a fool, I know I have made mistakes, once, twice, three times, ten times but I am trying to fix it d**n it. I don't need it thrown in my face when I am trying so d**n hard to forget about it. I guess I get a little over angry because I understand his frustration but it does get to me as it was only ever my money that I spent and never anyone else's. I was just browsing through Feb and came across a video of a guy playing a slot machine. He pushed the button a few times then picked up a stool and smashed the machine. Do you know how many times I have wanted to do that? How many times I have rocked that b*****d machine back and forth like it would have made it win? How many times I have slammed those d**n buttons so hard because it wasn't doing anything? I'm surprised I never got chucked out of that place before I self banned! You may think this is really silly but I think of all the cigarettes I have wasted too! I would think to myself let me go out and have a f*g, I would take 3 drags then run off back to my beloved machine like if I didn't hurry back it would be gone. Ah! I've embarrassed myself so many times. I've sworn like a trooper to the person sitting next to me and to the management, not very lady like at all. Shame on me! Someone tell me when is life going to be normal again? When will I go just one day without thinking about that place? Or even one hour, that would be good! Overall today has been a tad better because the last few days have been hell. Now comes the dreaded weekend, the time I hate the most. I almost want to fast forward to Monday....... But I can't so once again with my hand on my heart I will try my very hardest to stay gamble free this weekend. Love to you guys xx Star xx

DAY 34!! I knew I had to keep busy today, it it the dreaded weekend and I've been struggling this past week. I was up at 5am cleaning windows! I took my blinds down and scrubbed my windows inch by inch. It felt sooooo good ( I know, right!) it was like taking all my anger and frustration out on missing that d**n place. Then I sorted kitchen cudboards..... Again! Popped out to the post office then came home to prepare lunch as I had guests coming. Spent the evening watching boring tv and now I'm ready for bed. When I look back and think I spent many Saturday's sitting in that place for hours, pushing a button, hoping and praying full of fear and anxiety, having sweats and sometimes on the verge of a panic attack! It's crazy. Utter madness that I use to put myself through that c**P, and for what? To either loss and drive home in tears, or manage to scrape my losses back and still continue to sit there and pile it allllllllll back in!!! Tonight I'm thinking logically, tomorrow night be a whole different story. I have another 3 weeks until payday then that will be two whole Salaries that haven't been spent down 'there'. That feels good. That means that I will be able to fill another whole somewhere and maybe even finish paying off my holiday! It's still a stab in the heart when I think of all the money I have blown but as I and many others have reminded me, it ain't coming back let it go. Tomorrow I need to find something else that is going to keep busy. I have a pile of ironing to do ( boooo ) so that's a start and then I'm sure the kids will find me 100 other things to do. So my friends I think I will be fine tomorrow then a new week begins once again. It's safe to say that with my hand on my heart I will be a very good girl tomorrow xx Star xx

Hello, Star, glad to hear that it's going as well as it can for you. Stay gamble free.

CW

Thank you CW. It feels great.... But not if you know what I mean ?!?! Already planned my day to keep me out of trouble;-) take care and thank you for being a part of my journey xx