STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hi star not been on for ages and I'm so glad when I read your diary I knew you could do it in so pleased for you iv stayed off the machine after working out I'd spent thousands on them it is hard and some days it takes so much determination I ache with stress trying to stop myself but we are in a better place it's nice to have a bit off money and not spend it on the demon machines take care xxx

Hi Julie! Where have you been?!?! I will have to pop over and have a read. It's been sooooo hard and I still want to do it every day! I'm happy to hear you have stayed away from the dreaded things. Here's to us keeping away.... For good xx

DAY 35!!! Feels like 35 weeks today. Man it was a hard day!! Was busy sorting things this morning and thought I had my whole day planned but come the afternoon I was soooo bored!! Still I stayed at home like a good girl, watched movies and are far too many cinnamon rolls. I was always hungry before... Sitting on one chair pushing a button sipping only water and coffee for the best part of the day worked wonders for the diet! Feel like I've gained a stone this last month just be eating from utter boredom!! I could have easily gone today but what was the point? I don't think I can face going back to day one and starting this journey alllll over again. I'm a loser, I'm just not one of the lucky ones, it's as simple as that. I will never be a winner unless I stay away. I know that. I understand that but sometimes it still doesn't register 🙁 I popped to the supermarket today which is next to McDonald's and a restaurant and they were both packed. Some families had five or six kids and they were all eating happily chatting away. To feed 6 must cost at least £60. Maybe that was their weekly treat? It made me think of all the times I would have rather fed a machine than spend so much money in a restaurant. Other people had trolleys piled high with groceries and that made me think of myself just buying the necessities so I could have extra gambling money. Wow what a selfish cow that makes me. Still, for now that's all in the past and it's time to move on. To stay strong and focused. To enjoy moments with my family, to smile and to be as happy as I possibly can, I've been miserable for far too long! With my hand on my heart I shall not be wasting any of my money tomorrow xx star xx

Hi star and thankyou for the post on my diary. Well done on 35 says that's brilliant keep up the good work. We can kick this evil addiction x take care

Another day done star...well done to you....there's a few of us on here in the same position....ex slotters ....yeasssss.....we are winners ...sleep tight xx

Well done star, 36 days now! Too many cinnamon rolls is so much better than the loss of your hard earned money to the devil slots. Well done you for not giving in to the boredom, and if it takes a few too many tasty bites to deal with it then so be it - beats the alternative eh? Keep up the good work and roll on the next 35 x

Hi star, I've just seen your post on my thread. I don't update that thread much I mostly update my diary Called 'my journey'. Looks like your doing really well! Keep going, first step is to get to 50 days!!

Hi star, I've just seen your post on my thread. I don't update that thread much I mostly update my diary Called 'my journey'. Looks like your doing really well! Keep going, first step is to get to 50 days!!

Hi star, I've just seen your post on my thread. I don't update that thread much I mostly update my diary Called 'my journey'. Looks like your doing really well! Keep going, first step is to get to 50 days!!

DAY 36 early post!! I had an awful nights sleep last night. Brain was working overtime and I was kept awake remembering all the awful things this addiction has caused me to do 🙁 one of my deepest regrets is selling my beautiful jewellery for the value of gold. These are items I will never get back. These are things that meant something to me but I had blinkers on and all I was interested in was getting cash so I could push a d**n button. Of course this now breaks my heart. I lost those items and the cash I got for them in probably just two hours. There were days where I frantically searched my wardrobes for things I didn't need anymore or didn't use much, I sold them and then I drove straight 'there' again. I've done boots sales the whole weekend just to go and blow every single penny on the Monday! It's like it's not real money when I am there. Its Monopoly money.. Until I have not left and realise the damage I have done. The times I have walked up and down to the cash point withdrawing a hundred at a time thinking this will get my money back... We all know that doesn't happen and even if it did it was a one off. I'm struggling with these thought today. It's not making me want to go but it's making me want to pull each strand of my hair out piece by piece. I hate hate hate what I have done xx Star xx

Morning Star. I've not posted on your diary but I've often read it and thought that I could have written the exact same thing. The thoughts and feelings you share really resonate with me, and I too have expereinced a lot of the same emotions. It's really hard at first but it does get easier.Money loses it's value when we're caught in the frenzy of gambling. Once we're away from it for a while we start to see what madness it is. It doesn't make sense for you at the moment, but in time it will become clearer. In these early days we also have to deal with all the emotions that come out without the comfort blanket that slots provided. There's no where to run anymore which can feel like hard going at times. You rightly hate what you've done, but in time I'm sure you'll find acceptance of what's happened. Please remember that it won't always feel this bad.

Keep doing what you're doing. Using your diary to get all those feelings out will really help. Meet with a friend, go out and get some fresh air...whatever you find helps. You might want to lay off the cinnamon rolls though as too many of them combined with the hair pulling bald patches might not be such a good look 🙂 🙂

LifeBegins x

Well done star...I understand the despair about the losses...the only way I can deal with it when they feeling crops up is to say...yes theve gone...never get them back....but your not having any more ....I'm assuming that is a step forward for me accepting the losses....we can't change the past....but we can make our futures better...hold your head up love ...you are doing great xxx

Hi star I didn't even write on my diary while iv been abstaining lol it made me feel worse every time I put how I felt and poured my heart out then it wouldn't post . I read all your diary last night and I can say I feel your pain only I only ever press that stupid botton on Internet gaming which is just as bad the amount of times iv said I'm reading a book on my kindle when iv been pressing a botton strike me down for lying so much I'm still on track but God knows how when I think of all that money I'm embarrassed I hate myself things will never be the same cause I know what I have been doing iv deprived everyone of so much my grandchildrens my daughters and worst of all my husband who's worked so hard not to say I haven't worked hard but iv spent the money . I often wonder if I will ever like myself again !!!! Keep going I'm proud of you xxx

Thank you for popping by loxxie, lifebegins & Julie. It's been a pretty poo last few days to be honest. Being kept away last night has not helped at all! Spent some of today crying because I feel so ashamed and I too have only thought of my own selfish needs!!! I could have £10,000 in savings probably by now but I have nothing, including no jewellery, no nice things, no pride and no dignity. d**n slots.

Star, you still have you! It may not seem like much @ the moment but look @ how far you have come & be proud 🙂 You are tired & emotional but you are not just thinking of you because you are still holding it all together around you! Cut yourself some slack & work towards making new memories, they will come just as long as you keep fighting this - ODAAT