STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Day 12. Today was a pretty S***e day! I was tired from having no sleep last and I was incredibly bored sitting in a room the whole day being a student again. My mind kept wondering off and I found myself getting really sad. I've been thinking about gambling the last few days ( even though I've tried so hard to block it from my mind )and what it's done to me financially and emotionally and and today I feel broken even though I'm at 12 days. Has anyone felt that although gamcare helps so many, it actually brings it all back for others? I know what in trying to say but don't really know how to explain myself fully and correctly. Today I almost feel that reading new entries, people's struggles, people's successes, and in some cases criticism has become to much to handle. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to block it from my mind too much or what but I think I feel like I want to break free. I don't want to talk about it anymore yet 50 odd days gamble free that's what kept me going..... What is happening? Why on earth am I know feeling this way for? Will my feelings change? I don't want to disappear from here and people think she's given up because I haven't but right now I want to hide away and not remember gambling at all. Can you understand that? It's like I want everything gamble related to vanish. Today I feel that it's dragging me down. Tomorrow my feelings may change and I want to hold gamcare close like a comfort blanket but today it's the wicked stepmother and I don't want her near me. I hope you understand... Because I don't! Xx star xX

Try and just look after you. Take a break from reading on here just do your thing and keep your diary. Might be worth a try

Were they all meant for me?

Star, those feelings change by the second, don't fear them! This is your diary & how you use it is entirely up to you. If you haven't already, have a look @ I wished's diary to see the rollercoaster of emotions she went through! I don't want to put you off & say they can go on for a very long time but they can & they will but it will get easier for you to recognise the triggers. You will then hopefully figure out the best way for you to manage them because even when you hurt, you know you can, you already did it for a long time.

We are here to support you however you chose to do your journey & all I ever want when people 'disappear' is that they have done it for themselves & are still in recovery!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Hai Srar,

Another honest pearler delivered by Gamcares Star. I think we all go through the same kinda thought patterns to certain degrees. I agree with Oldham, that sometimes a break from gamcare is needed to regroup. Your doing really well, and I'm not saying that flippantly.

I believe it's a process and I can really see between the lines of your posts that the process is slowly knitting together...

As for a day being a student, that's cool, we're all students trying to figure out this addiction lark...

Have a good weekend

Day 16..... I just want to tell you all I'm still here and gamble free! Just taking a little time out xx Star xx

So glad to hear that star...I understand about time out...just remember we are here if you need us
Keep twinkling lovely lady xx

Laying in bed just thinking and thinking. 2016 has been a pretty awful year so far and I had such high hopes for it. I know it's still early in the year but time flies by and before we know it we shall be welcoming 2017!! It just all feels a little doom and gloom at the moment if you know what I mean. I had a mad thought yesterday..... I would have been better off being an alcoholic. At least I could spend £13 for a bottle of bourbon from good old Aldi and get drunk which would more than likely make me go to sleep and forget all this c**P. I know it wouldn't be good to the liver but right now it seems a better option than trying to get through this day by day. I remember when I was grieving bad, I use to sit by my kitchen window watching people walk past etc and I use to think they were mad for getting on with things, sometimes I still feel this way. I feel like everyone verse is crazy and I'm the normal one! These past two weeks I've managed to save a bit of money but i almost had a wobble one day after yet more awful news and I knew I had to do something with that money and fast so I went and exchanged it for my first lot of euros for my holiday. Of course I know that I could change it straight back to sterling and go gamble it away so I did the wise thing and have it to someone else to look after. Go me! There have been days where I want to be greeted with my machine again but so far I have been strong. I must remember that my machine doesn't really like me. I'm just another of its culprits and it would eat me alive if it could. I'm normally such a stubborn people but that place and dieting wins every time...... Time that changed on both accounts! Anyway just felt like writing a little something. I'm sure I will be back real soon...... Star xx

Day 22! Approaching another month. Days are flying past this time around. I haven't been on here much other than the odd visit here and there... I have been crazy busy what with course work and hospital visits so have had plenty of other things on my mind and believe me when I say more stressful things than gambling. I received some news recently that really put things into perspective but at the same time could have driven me to the nearest casino!!! Still, I didn't go simply because I just did not have the energy to do so. It's the Easter holidays soon which means two weeks off work for me so it's a little worrying as boredom may set in but I really hope I don't relapse. I'm hoping to do a couple of boot sales to add to my holiday fund so hopefully the weather is kind to allow me to do so. I've noticed that since I failed and gambled after over 50 days of staying away that I lost some feedback. I know I may have disappointed some people but no more than I disappointed myself. I don't ever judge other people because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and nobody has walked in my shoes... I try my best everyday to stay strong and fight but sometimes no matter how much I fight to stay strong it's just not good enough.... But il still get up if I fall and try again. That's the best I can do! I've backed off from using my saying with my hand on my heart but I feel it's time to re introduce it again real soon....... XxStarxX

Being busy with life's drama's are good Star, deal with the good and bad as it comes and leave the ugly side of gambling behind.

I really don't think you've lost any feedback, lots of us have relapsed, and your right, you just need to get back up with more determination to overcome this madness.

Get your hand back on your heart and keep moving forward even if sometimes it may feel like a snail pace...

Hi star,

No darling, don't think that slipping brought you in the black books. Forum gets from busy to quiet, few arguments or disagreements..same as life i guess. You will always have unconditional support on here, we are all the same here..we are trying to set ourselves free from this nasty addiction so kudos to you!

Try and keep yourself busy over holiday period, anything you decide to do will outweigh the devastation gambling can cause.

You're more than worth freedom and happiness..keep making the right choice ☺ you're doing fab!

S x

Morning Star , thank you and I miss you too .

The Easter holidays were never good for me either , money and time on my hands , not a good combination for us eh? , this year it's different though , I;m looking forward to a weeks break and a bit of time catching up with loved ones , quite a simple thing really but only made possible since the gambling stopped , your doing well Star ups and downs may come and go but your still moving forward and thats the important bit , sometimes on here everything rushes bye at a million miles an hour , other times its quiet with very little said , a bit like life really ?.

Take care Star sending love peace and wishing you well ..................Alan x

DAY 32! Just checking in to say a brief hi and to let you all know I am still here but have been super busy and dealing with stresses of life in general!!! Hopefully I will have time to catch up with you all over the next couple of days xx Star xx

Hi Star and glad to see you still here and still fighting , life is full of stress and strain , just deal with it one day at a time and in little bite size chunks and it don't seem quite as bad .

Take care honey and look forward to catching up soon .

Respect and best wishes ......................Alan

DAY 36. Still gamble free but only just! I fear that if I had the time I would have gambled but luckily what with one thing and another there was simply no time. Again like before there is still no money to spare and I just don't understand why! I find myself being not so carful in the supermarket anymore. Before I begrudged paying £3 for a sandwich but now I just do without thinking. I have also realised that I am smoking much much more and at £8.50 for a packet of cigarettes money is going fast. I spent hours in that place before without thinking of having a f*g in fear someone would steal MY machine on my 10 minute f*g break but now I'm not there I'm probably smoking triple what I did before!! Do I miss it? Yeah I think I do as my mind wonders there a lot again lately especially when I see tv ads and also when I walk past a bookies now, not that I would go in one ever but let's face it the d**n things are everywhere. It doesn't feel like I will ever be free of these thoughts, I really hope I am wrong because I don't want to think of things that will destroy my future or make me sad. I still have another week off work which I think will prove hard as this next coming week I will have some free time on my hands so I need to come up with a plan and fast! I'm also currently waiting for an op date which should be very soon and again recovery will be between 2-4 weeks..... It's going to be hard especially if I'm feeling down and sorry for myself ! Still let's cross hat bridge when I come to it and just be thankful for the 36 days so far xxStarxx

Hi star... You haven't posted for a while, I hope your ok!!