STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Morning Star how's it going did you sort out the issue with posting?

The celeb wasn't Dame Babs was it. If so don't tell GT he'll have a coronary!

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Would be the start of a good joke wouldn't it? A compulsive gambler is sitting in a casino and...

Run forrest run

Day 11 how you feeling star - wcid x

Hello all! I reached double digits yesterday-very happy indeed! Celebrity was a lady.......

Well done star, keep going

Suzanne xxx

DAY 11!!!!! The days are flying by but also dragging. Does that makes sense? I have no desire to go and spend my money but I have the desire to still press that button. Does that make sense? Sometimes I just feel so confused. I'm happy because I'm being so sensible yet a little sad that I still have these desires or cravings if you like. I guess it's a little like being on a diet. I can only eat salad for so long until I give in and have chips and curry sauce... Unless of course my willpower is strong enough to resist!!! One of the last times I was there, I remember I had done hundreds of pounds and was down to my last £20 with zero in my bank account - panic began to set in that I had no more money to chase my losses with and I needed a bloody miracle to get it back with this last £20 I had. I figured I had to move slot machines and play on one that I could play 20p a spin on. You need to remember I was hyperventilating, I was shaking, I was very desperate! I sat next to this older dear and she turned to me and said something nice about Xmas. I turned and gave her a half hearted smile and said ' it could be better!' She stopped playing and turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said oh dear, are you having a bad day? I looked at her and my chin began to tremble, my eyes welled up and the tears started flowing ( how embarrassing). I didn't know this lady and in 5 minutes I told her what a complete fool I have been, what I had lost in previous weeks etc. She took my hand and said ' do you think you need some help dear'? I said I just need to stop!!! She then said that she only comes out with what she is prepared to lose. If she wins then great, if she doesn't then it doesn't matter she has still had her little bit of fun. Five minutes later she was ready to leave. She got up and have me a little squeeze and wished me well. I've never seen her before and hopefully I will never see her again ( in there) but I will always remember her. She reminded me of my Nan. My Nan passed away many years ago but she would be mortified if she knew what I have been doing ( sorry if your looking down on me Nan!). My grandad was a gambler. She would hide the bill money but he found it every single time. My dad was a heavy gambler, he's gambled £9,000 in one evening before on the roulette table, he still gambles now but not as bad. His sisters are scratch cards queens and they play the slots... Then there's me. Not a pot to P**s in ( sorry, not very lady like!) and I'm throwing away what very little I had. You know, I once said to one of my so called friends that the casino should put in a free slot machine. One that was exactly the same as the rest but you couldn't put real money in or win real money. I said if it's just pushing the button that I want then surely my problems would be solved, right? WRONG! The next time after that conversation there was a free slots machine at the casino with a sign on top saying ' learn how to play'. I thought great! I will sit and play this for free instead of using my money. I promise you, I sat there for 5 minutes, I was so bored I would have had more fun sticking needles in my eyes! So does that mean I WANT to waiste my money? It seems I can't win either way. 11 whole days. I shouldn't wish the days away but I kind of wish it was 111 days, maybe then I would start to see a difference in my finances too. It feels a little like I am being punished with no benefits lol. I know things will get better, they can't get any worse! Patience is the key. I will be patient. So my friends, with my hand on my heart I shall make it to day 12 xxx Star

Great post star, from the heart, it's good to let it out on our diaries,

I can relate to most of it, but my addiction is gambling at home on line:((

Ohh how I wished I could have stayed like that kind lady you mentioned, I did st the beginning, played for fun, with what I could afford, and if I won thst was a big bonus, but it was through winning that was my downfall:((

The feelings you are experiencing, are not unusual in the early days of recovery, it is part of the process .you will feel up and down

and have strange thoughts, I call my recovery journey a rollercoaster ride :)) because it is.

Small steps and just taking one day at a time, is the sure way to move forwards.

Keeps posting and keep venting

Well done on 11 hard days:))

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne and thank you for your post xxx I'm sorry you have struggled too in the past.... Are you doing ok now? If only it could have stayed as fun huh?! I could deal with losing £100 a month for an evening out, after all we all work hard and should enjoy a little us time but for me unfortunately £100 turned into £100's of pounds per hour! It's strange because I have never gambled online. It scares the **** out of me. I would end up homeless without a doubt. It's so hard because gambling is everywhere, tv, radio, emails and even text messages! It should be banned lol. I hope to catch up with you soon. You take care xxx Star

What a great few posts from both of you.

Star it's such a relief getting it all out and u can see why you was P****d off when your post kept failing to post. Getting all those emotions out but not been alble to share them. If this is what your doing after 11 days if abstaining what will you be like after 111 days.

I have done it tonight at GA just let everything out for half hour and feel so lifted by it

Hi Star, well done on day 11 (nearly 12!). Your determination is shining through, good on you. Catch you in chat xx

Oldhamkft it feels great to be getting it all out! Helps SO much 🙂 today is going to be a major test. I have £105 in my purse. No choice of my own, I have to go go put it in the bank for my daughter so she can order something off the net.. I must be good. I must be good. I must b good. I WILL BE GOOD!!! Catch u all later and thank you once again to each and every one of you xx Star xx

Put it in the bank ASAP your getting stronger you can do this your hand on your heart

It's only a major test if you listen to that addiction, but you are 12 days into recovery now:)) so you can just make that right choice for today, am sure you will, and I know you will feel sooo good tonight for having done so.

Keep strong and stay focused and win today.

Suzanne xxx

Hello dear friends 🙂 day 12 gamble free..... Well I made it to the bank safe and sound and deposited the money without doing anything silly! I'm not going to say that it didn't cross my mind to go because it did BUT it felt soooooo good that I didn't give in. I've been thinking of many different things today, the ups, the downs, the stresses, the tears etc. Here are some facts. 1, I never go to win. What is the point of even going? I have never walked in that place with a positive attitude! 2. I can honestly say that I've never had a decent win! I have never had a jackpot win or anything close for that matter. 3, even if I do eventually claw back the £200-£300 I have put into a machine, I will sit there and put the whole lot back! 4, I'm bloody unlucky! It's like I should go to reception when signing myself in and say ' here's £300, I'm off now, have a nice day'. 4, it's changed me as a person. BIG TIME! I use to be happy. I use to be a smiler. I've been known to light up a room before but now I just have a dark cloud over me. I am miserable, I rarely smile, I just exist. It's like I'm just living because I have to ( and for my children of course) . 5, I have become a liar. I hate lies! Detest them! But I have learnt how to lie. I lie about where I am, I lie to friends about why I can't go out ( I would rather be pushing a button!), I lie to my family about why I'm feeling down, I lie about how much I have really spent, I lie about why I have zero in the bank, the list could go on and on. 6, I have no jewellery left. This guts me more than I could ever explain. Every piece of jewellery I owned has gone. I sold it for gold for gambling money. I could cry just thinking about it. Precious items that I can never replace. What kind of person does that make me? How stupid could I have been? 7, I deprive myself. I could go out and see a nice top or a nice pair of shoes but I don't buy them. If the item is £40, I would think to myself that's 80 spins on the slots instead! I could go into Tescos starving and go to the sandwich section and pick one up for £2.80. £2.80? That's a rip off for a sandwich and put it back!! What the hell has gambling done to me? It has more or less destroyed in in just a few years. If I carry on I will lose everything. I will be nothing. I know all this. I understand all this but until now it hasn't stopped me. Every time I went I said it would be my last but I still carried on going destroying myself a little more. On many occasions I have sat and studied people's faces while they were playing slots and I knew if they were winning or not. I knew if they were struggling to get a feature by the expression on their faces. It's very very sad indeed. On many occasions when I have done all my money, I would go into the ladies Loo's and empty my bag in the hope that I would find loose change in the bottom of it. I would count up my pennies and go to the cashier for 2 or 3 pounds coins, hoping that my luck would be in last couple of quid. Wow it stung my eyes just writing that. The lengths that I, and many others will go to just to have that gamble. That buzz. That little more bit of punishment. I need to remember all of this. I need to remind myself every day of the way it makes me feel inside. I hope day 13 is not going to be unlucky for me...... Because with my hand on my heart it will not be a gambling one. Star xxxxx