STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hi Star.

Just wanted to say well done on your recovery so far and for making the right choice in getting that money to the bank.

Stay strong and take care.

Feb.

Hi star hope you are ok thank you for your comment the other day and I have been looking at your diary and I found it very helpful so thank you for your honesty x how are you getting on I've still not been on the slots and been keeping myself busy still thinking about them though lol but really trying hard x

2 whole weeks!! 2 whole weeks gamble free. It's not been easy and I have been a grumpy so & so but I did it!!! Today I went and treated myself to a new charm for my pandora bracelet, it was money well spent. As I was paying I was thinking that in one day I could have probably bought ten charms or more for my bracelet with all the money I have thrown into a slot machine! Do I miss it, yes I think I do. Do I still think about it, of course I do but I have decided that every few weeks I will treat myself to something new. It doesn't have to be expensive, it's just something for me for doing so well and for keeping away from that dreaded place. I have honestly had a lovely day. Usually on a Saturday when I am kidless I am glued to my chair in the casino never seeing daylight until I leave... Which by then is usually darkness! It was nice to be out, to shop, to have lunch and then stop for coffee. It was a nice treat that I will be doing many more times. Screw you slots! I can think of 100 other ways to be spending my hard earned cash 😉 now I need to make it past Sunday lol. So far a harvester breakfast is planned then out for an early dinner with the parents so I just have to find something to do in between. Maybe il do some ironing or go for a walk but for now I am so chuffed that I have made it this far. Anyway dear friends, sleep well and rest assured that with my hand on my heart I will not be gambling tomorrow xx Star xx

Fantastic post Star and well done.

Best wishes

Well done Star, you're doing great x

Hi Star

Just wanted to say a huge well done on your two weeks abstinance. I used to always treat myself each month, at the beginning of my recovery and use them as little goals to aim for, going forward.

Its such a lovely feeling when we can actually spend our hard earned cash on treating ourselves isn't it?

Enjoy and keep earning those treats.

Best wishes.

Feb.

Star

Well done big hug xxx

Thank you all 🙂 yes, it does feel good... But also a little sad that I wasted SO much time AND money! My harvester breakfast was lovely, it was nice and fresh outside which makes a change to see as usually on a weekend I am stuck inside. Here's to week 3 guys xx Star xx

Draw a line under it star u can't get it back ___________________________

but you make a difference know. Keep going and I'll be here with you at the end of week 3

KTF

Hey star so pleased you've had a good weekend. You do right to treat yourself every few weeks you deserve to! You have kept to your word with your hand on your heart and remain gf. We're all delighted for you xxxxx wcid

Well done on 2 weeks star.

Suzanne xxx

Day 15.

I am so proud of myself. I know 15 days isn't huge and I still have way to go but for me this time it is kind of a big deal. 2016 hasn't started off to great. I am currently off work sick with an illness under investigation, a family member is being tested for the dreaded C, my father is having a heart op tomorrow and the 19th of January is the date I had to bury half of my heart. You see, in normal circumstances I would have spent all of my time and money in the casino to forget all of the above, to take my mind off of these things if only for just a little while. I know I just would have been kidding myself but in my own little mind it would have made me feel a little better temporarily. There is always someone out there who is facing a bigger battle than you are, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, what demons others are facing, what challenges life throws at them.... I often wonder what everyone's escape is? Do they gamble, do they steal, do they borrow? Or do they simply just get on with life because that's the only choice they have? Maybe gambling doesn't enter their heads. Maybe they drink instead... Another challenging battle. In the past couple of days I have thought about telling my dad of my stupidity but I'm afraid. He was/is a gambler himself but I still think that he wouldn't understand me being one. It would crush him. A few months ago he came to visit me so we could have a few hours father and daughter time. He wanted to take me out to lunch and suggested a restaurant that he hadn't been to for a while. It was a really hot day so we knew the seaside would be busy ( that's where the restaurant was ) and he had concerns about wetha we would find parking or not. Fireworks started sparkling in my brain, i had a great idea! I said to him that I was a member of the casino in the same street so as long as we went in for 10 minutes we could park the car there until we had finished eating. He said he didn't really want to go in the casino and he was quite adamant. I thought it was a little strange as I knew he gambled. Anyway in the end he agreed and said its just for ten minutes so we were seen in there and then we would leave. We went in and I ordered a coffee. He put £20 in a slot machine until the coffee came and I trotted off to a different machine playing stupid that I didn't even know how these machine worked ( I've become a good liar). In about 8 minutes I lost £100. I looked over and my dad had moved from the machine. I noticed he was standing by the roulette table. Every 2 minutes or so I kept seeing his had go in his pocket for more money. Panic rushed through me. w*f was he doing? How much money was he spending and why?!?! I rushed over and said what are you doing dad? He said you don't even want to know how much money I've spent in the last 10 minutes. I said stop! He said I can't! He needed to get his money back. He was chasing his losses and was P****d off that the roulette had beaten him. He wasn't the dad I had left the house with that morning. He was a man possessed. I didn't recognise him as my dad, this was a different person. Shortly after we left. The walk to the restaurant was a silent one and I felt so d**n guilty. I made him lose his money. He didn't want to go there but I found an opportunity to feed my habit even if it was for just ten minutes.. When we sat down to eat he explained that if he wasn't in the casino he was ok but seeing the roulette in front of him he couldn't resist. That day would have been a great opportunity for me to open up and tell him but I was just too afraid. He knows I struggle financially and he helps me in many different ways and I knew if I told him he would be angry and hurt. I guess it's like if he was an alcoholic he wouldn't want his daughter to be one too. I didn't like that man I saw that day and to my partner it must be exactly the same thing. I am a different person when I'm in that place. All logic goes out the window and I think I know best. I don't. I'm a c**P gambler who just throws money away to pass the time! Would I still go now if I could? The answer is probably still yes. I probably have thought about it every fees hours of every day. Sometimes with anger, sometimes with disgust and sometimes with great urged. Still, here we are at day 15 with a few more extra quid than I would usually have, a new charm and my favourite roulade from marks and Spencer's that I don't usually get because it's too pricey lol. Today I can smile a little. Friends with my hand on my heart I shall be way too busy to even think about gambling tomorrow. Sweet dreams all. Xx Star xx

DAY 16.... What a day! Been at the hospital all day today for a family members surgery. It was stressful and I have been tearful most of the day. Came home, sorted dinner out for the kids and have only just sat down. Usually I would think that I need to be 'there' to chill out, I mean I have had a stressful day so why can't I just 'chill' out for an hour or two? That's how my brain use to think but what I realise now is I was just fooling myself. Let's face it, I usually left there feeling more stressed out than when I first went in!!! Tonight it's actually nice just to be at home. It's nice that I'm sat with my kids while they do their homework, it's nice I'm just huddled with a blanket watching the soaps on the tv. I've spent so much of my time 'there', I've wasted so much of my time 'there' but now I'm here at home where I belong with the people I love the most. Tomorrow I shall be spending most of my day at the hospital again so it's safe to say, with my hand on my heart that I will not gamble tomorrow xx Star xx

Well done star, be proud of yourself tonight huddled with the blanket lol, , because you can look everyone in the eye with no secrets of self destructive gambling, yesterday has gone, it's today that matters, and then tomorrow will matter tomorrow, but you can do exactly what you have done today, and that is stay strong and positive.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Some fantastic posts there Star, keep shining bright.

Your slowly joing the heart/ mind axis together as you finally reach the state of ' getting it ;

Keep the hand pressed firmly