STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

DAY 20 🙂 ... But in just 42 minutes or so it will be 3 weeks!! So, I'm a little P****s lol. The pernods went down a treat. I'm now on my way home and thought I would do a short post now because I doubt I will be awake much longer. I had fun tonight! It was wonderful seeing family that I haven't seen in so long as usually I would make excuses to be somewhere else. You know, 'there'. Tonight gave me such a warm loving feeling. Tonight I felt love. Tonight it sort of all went into place. I regret deeply what I have done, the money I spent. The quality time I have missed out on with my family. The fun things we could have done if funds hadn't have been so tight due to my stupidity. The list could go on and on and on...... But hey ho, it's done. None of us can change the past but we sure can try to make it better. There are still a trillion more memory's to make, thousands more places to see! Change can happen if we want it to. Only we have the power. d**n! This Pernod has made me feel like superwoman. I rest my powerful hand on my heart and I am telling you all, tomorrow the only thing I will be doing is trying to find a new cure for a hangover!! Love to all. Stay strong xx Star xx

Haha this post has made me smile star xx sounds like you had a fab night. Your right in what you say we can't change the past it's the history of our lives. You are doing an amazing job of making a new gf history star xx Happy 21 days!!

3 weeks today star, now thst must feel good (even with a hangover lol)

Keep putting that hand on your heart, one day at a time ofcourse:))

Suzanne xxx

DAY 21!!!!! Wow. I really am amazed I have made it this far. Taking one day at a time has really helped me. There have been days where I was so tempted to blow it and go but what I did was, I found myself things to do for an hour at a time. Eventually time ran out and I couldn't go anyway as it would be time for the school run or a doctors appointment etc etc.. In the last 3 weeks I have managed to put £124 in my holiday jar. I know it's not a lot but for me it's a great achievement! Usually I would be searching for every penny I could find to go 'there' but now I'm saving bits and bobs by not going 'there'. My goal is to have £500 in that unbreakable pot by July. I can do that! This morning I was very hungover lol. I spent most of the morning lazing around trying to feel human again. Eventually bib had to snap out of zombie zone and pop out to buy my parents a present as we were meeting for dinner. I was dreading going to the shop I needed to go to. It could have been disastrous but it was not and I am so d**n proud. The shop was about 30 doors away from the casino. For the first time ever I did not enter. I wanted to for a split second-or 10-maybe 100 but I didn't. It was bloody hard. Sooo hard! Anyway I bought what I needed to buy then grabbed something to eat then went into debenhams and smothered myself in different perfumes trying to occupy my mind lol. It felt so good winning. I won because I didn't enter 'there'. The journey home was relaxing and mostly care free. Usually my journey back from that neck of the woods is not a nice one.... I still go to bed at night and hear the different slot tunes in my head. Is that normal? I still play scenarios in my mind of me playing and winning-or losing. I still think about it on a daily basis most of the time but not in such a 'I have to be there now' way. I am so much more calmer. Still stressed out about my financial status etc but feeling easier that I'm no longer going to make it any worse. I can honestly say I haven't missed any of my so called gambling friends and don't even wish to know of their winning or losing stories. I look forward to completing another week gamble free. Getting to a month excites me- that's a whole months salary and not a penny has fed my addiction. Thank you for still following my diary guys. I hope I can continue giving you positive posts to read 🙂 With my hand on my heart I am telling you that I shall have a gamble free Monday xx Star xx

Well done Star.

Feb.

Go Star,

Firstly well done on the achievement with your growing money pot. I'm intrigued in how it's unbreakable? I think a terramundi pot is a superb way of saving, with making a wish to boot.

Secondly, this diary is about you, it's great reading success but more important in reading honesty. Your stepping into the territory of keeping your mits up in the face of complacency. And your doing it admirably.

Keep that firm/ strong hand placed firmly on your heart.

Thank you Feb & volcano :-). It's a clay pot that to me is unbreakable lol. I can't open it- only smash it which I won't do as it was a gift from my kids so when the time comes I will get the them to smash it and count all the money for our summer holiday. When the time comes to 'smash' it we will replace it with the same one and start again..... Have a great Monday all xx Star xx

Day 22!! Today I have been at home all day. I'm a little sad (a lot actually) as some family members went back home abroad and I'm feeling very lost, alone and vulnerable. Usually I would escape 'there' but I didn't, instead I found more bits that I could sell so I could put a few more pennies in my pot. I had a txt message today from one of my gambling 'friends'. She txt to say that she had blown 10k in just 9 months! To be honest I thought she did quite well to last 9 months. I simply replied you cannot win because you will not stop! I need to let go of these 'friends'. I can't be listening to their story's of who won what and who lost what! I'm struggling enough in my own mind already and am trying so hard to forget my foolish days there. When will these memory's end? Why do I still have urged? The worst thought being £20 won't hurt. It never ever ended at just £20..... Maybe £200 very occasionally but never £20! I remember squeezing my eyes shut when I got feature thinking that if I didn't look it would be a good one, also pressing the button in different ways thinking that it would give me a better chance of winning-did it heck! I am an unlucky gambler. There's this young guy who got the jackpot something like 6 times in 4 months. He won't over 70k but his wife only knew about 20 of it. There was this lady once who was sat outside having a f*g, she started a conversation with me and went on to say that she hasn't been for a couple of months because her 40 year old daughter had died From a heart attack. Her family knew she had to get out of the house and took her to the casino so she could 'forget' for a while. So many people use gambling to forget-it's just a shame the problems returns the second you walk out that door. January so far has been pretty c**P so I'm hoping February will be a better month. I'm also looking forward to seeing my bank balance the end of Feb! It's exciting seeing all the extra pennies adding up and it's great knowing that none of my hard earned money is dropping into a black box in a fruit machine. With my hand on my heart I'm going to try my hardest to keep this up xx star xx

Star, go with the thoughts. I know its not easy but just as The sun goes up, The sun goes down. Exactly the same as your thoughts. This vulnerable time is now the one day/ hour / minute at a time.

Now put that hand back on the heart and YOU will keep this up....

Hi star if your gambling friends are getting in the way don't worry about cutting them off like you say you need to do this.

Just a thought you could block their numbers they wouldn't know and you can always unblock if you get ready to speak with them again.

KTF

Hi star I think you need to block these friends from your phone, you don't need to be listening to their highs and lows when you are working so hard at being gf. January may have been a blaaaa month for you fighting this addiction but it has still been a gamble free one so for that you should be pleased with yourself. You are doing great star xx wcid

Hi Star , your doing so well again and everyone's right you really don't need friends like that , constantly reminding you of gambling. A little distance from them would go a long way ! As for January, I think it's a rubbishy month for most of us ! Nearly February so don't worry ! Just keep focusing on what you want ! Take care of yourself !

I missed posting on day 23 as I was feeling rubbish & very low. Family members went back home abroad and I was left feeling very sorry for myself 🙁

Star,

If you got a pen and drew a 🙁 , then next to it drew 🙂 . Its easy isnt it. Unfortunately after a period of inhabiting the world of addictions its not that easy. But one thing i've learned, is that there is no point trying to forcibly snap out of the emotion of sadness or feelings of being lonely. This forum can be a great tool in tackling the head funk, its being honest with the feelings of the good, bad and the ugly. I also find even a youtube music therapy can help the flow of feelings.

Alan above has a great point and you need to respect the weather, its sometimes like the clouds of the skies are shoadowing the clouds of the mind. Blow and they will go away. You've come along way Star in such a short period of time, as well as strarting your recovery at the most vulnerable of times with the aftermath of xmas and the NY, where you have to forcibly turn the smile upwards. Keep on, keeping on and even if its only slight be good to you and yours.

Practice not perfection.

DAY 24! Yesterday and today have been hard. Very hard. It took everything in me not to gamble. I wanted to. I wanted to ALOT. I wanted to hug my machine and tell it I was back, I wanted it to make me feel better because I was so sad! I wanted it to understand and play nicely with me, I wanted it to let me win because I felt so down... Then I realised that my machine didn't really like me, it was two faced. It Looked all nice and appealing on the outside but really all it wanted to do was destroy me on the inside. It wanted to eat my money and have me scrimping and scaling until next pay day. I could have gone but I chose not to. I had money as it it was payday but I stayed strong ( only God knows how!!!) and my salary is still intact-for now anyway. Gambling has got me down big time and these withdrawal symptoms are hard, very hard. I would like to get to the stage where gambling isn't the first thing I think of the morning or the last thing I think of at night-that's usually when your in love right? All the butterflies and that! Wouldn't it b nice if your mind was free of gambling, if you enjoyed the beauty of the sky, the smell of the rain, the sun beaming on your skin? I've not given those things a thought for a least the last few years. My thought are of gambling. My partner said once that the only time I light up is when I'm talking about the casino- like like it's one of my baby's! I want to change I really do, it's just been a rough 10 days or so what with dad being in hospital, me not well and trying so d**n hard to forget about that place. I'm sure in time things will improve and these cravings won't be as bad as they are now. It's strange that my first week or two I was so determined ( I still am, just a little weaker now ) the thought of gambling made me feel sick but now it's calling me..... I won't give in thought, at least I will try my very hardest not to. We are nearly in February so not too long for another payday and I'm hoping I will really get to see the benefits of not gambling my money today. On a positive note I booked my cat into the CATTERY for August when I go away. I usually pay the day I drop him off but I payed today! I figured I may as well do it and get it out the way while the money was there, could have paid a debt off but hey ho one thing at a time lol. A few months ago there was NO WAY I was parting with any money that could have been gambling money!!!!! It felt good. It felt very good 🙂 I also stuck another £30 in my saving pot, I'm getting good at this spending my money wisely lol. Sorry to be on a downer today and to go on about me me me but I feel so much better I've got it all out! I'm not going to promise anything to you guys tonight, don't worry I'm not going there, I'm already tucked up in bed but I will say that with my hand on my heart I will try my hardest to stay strong tomorrow. Sweet dreams X Star X