STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

That sounds like a good day to me Star, yes you thought of going fantasised about it even tried to convince yourself it was missing you. You dug deep told it to do one !!!

you won massively today when was the last time you didn't dip into your wage on payday to gamble? Today you dipped into it to plan ahead pay for something that is 7 months away and save save some money if you keep going at this rate you'll have enough money saved to buy my a ticket for this holiday.

KTF

Star , A rant and rave does us all good , it gets it out to where it needs to be , in the open !!

By the way Star that was a rant and I should know I've been well involved in a few of my own , so well done you !

Take care Star !

Hey Star, just popping by to say we missed you yesterday & for what it's worth although the sun is conspicuous by it's absence (& not great with my ginger skin), I enjoy the sky & the smell of the rain now, even through my bleary eyes!

Hey star well done on staying strong. Sounds like reality as set in that your NOT going to visit that casino again. It's getting used to living and accepting this new gf life. It will be a better life for you star xx wcid

DAY 26!! I've been a right miserable moo. Haven't wanted to do much or see or speak to anyone. Spent most of the day on the couch again coughing and sniffing and the antibiotics haven't worker yet again. Ah! I've had so much time to think. Soooo many scenarios have gone through my head it's unreal-I've gone from thinking I've won to lottery to being homeless because of my stupidity. A little random but I remembered something that happened a couple of months ago re the casino. There was a woman who sat and piled in £4,000 into the machine as the jackpot was on £19,000 and ready to 'come out'. She put every last penny that she had in that machine. Finally when no more funds were available she got up to leave and a little old dear sat down, stuck a fiver in this machine on a 20p spin and on her third spin won the jackpot. That's luck right? Was she in the right place at the right time? Was that jackpot meant for her? It's like the lottery ( I did it tonight btw but it was with my dad's money ) I always say I'm never going to win but someone does win right? Tonight's jackpot is 91 million. It's bloody ridiculous, why not let 91 families win one million each? I often wonder if I would still go to the casino If I were a millionaire, my answer is always no. Why would I go try and win a 20 grand jackpot if I have a million sat in the bank and I was living off my interest! This week has been the hardest yet for me. It's got harder not easier. I've had crazy cravings which for once have nothing to do with food!!! It makes it 100 times harder that I'm off sick from work at the moment and I could drive 'there' at any time but I haven't and for that I am proud 🙂 I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week or next month but for now I can say that for the next 24 hrs with my hand on my heart I will not gamble xx Star xx

Hey Star, welcome to my world...Miserable moo is one of my many middle names 🙂

Funny your thought process on the win because mine on this occasion differs from yours...I wanted to be rich so I could afford to gamble :-0 I think then, if I had a million in the bank I would have gambled & gambled & gambled til I fell off the chair, had a little sleep right there on the ground & got right back to it once I was recharged! Now, I would be petrified of having so much money & would probably spend it all on choclit & GOSH & Hearing Dogs & Cancer Research & our local Hospice & Delboy Golf's sponsored bike ride & you get the point!

I still think you could do with a little support with all those plates in the air but you are doing great - ODAAT

Hi Star re. the lotto I can comfortably say that if I won the lotto my gambling would go through the roof. That amount of cash in the bank would mean I'd feel I could bet on whatever I want. It's interesting how can have different perspectives on things. Good luck in your recovery. Keep the faith.

Hi Star.

Hope you get better soon. Having a nasty cold/bad chest is enough to get anyone down.

Take care and keep warm. You will soon be feeling more upbeat I'm sure.

Feb.

Hey star just checking in yo say 'hello how are you' xx

DAY 28! I wanted to gamble so d**n bad. Crazy bad! I was kidless, still moody , still feeling rough and very bored. I didn't want to be indoors anymore, I wanted to be 'there' with my machine. I got in my car and started driving. My head was having a row with my heart. I was sweating, I felt sick at the thought of what I was going to do... I got to the Tesco roundabout, turned back round and started heading back home. I pulled over because I didn't want to go home but I knew I couldn't go there either. Instead I went to the beach and froze me bits off!!! I had a good cry there, and the wind knocked some sense into me. Although my salary hasn't been spent on gambling ( for once!) there isn't much left of it as I have paid some debts of and part of my holiday so funds are tight again. It would have been catastrophic if I hadn't have listened to my head today. While at the beach I thought of the casino and what I turn into while I'm there. My partner has walked out and left me there on many occasions. Why? Because he doesn't like to watch me feed my money into a machine. So for example, I go with £200 and I'm down to my last £10 and luckily I manage to scrape that £200 back- he says right now u got to walk, you were lucky enough to get your money back its time to go home. But me, I think yay I can start from the beginning again! It P****s him off big time. I have a big problem playing just one slot machine especially if either side of me are free too. It's like they are staring at me saying play me play me I'm the winning machine. This causes me to spend triple the money and lose it three times as fast. When money is running low I stick the reserve card up on one machine because I don't want anyone to sit there and win MY money I just lost. Selfish right? I become A b***h in that place. Ah! If I've just come off a machine and someone sits downs and gets a free play straight away I give them daggers, if looks could kill........ I'm remembering all these things and I don't like them. It isn't a way to live, it's not healthy and I don't like it 🙁 I didn't realise this journey was going to be so hard and painful and I'm holding on a tight as I possibly can do but I feel like my grip is loosening and I'm scared. Scared of becoming a loser again. All I can do this second is hope, with my hand on my heart that I won't gamble tomorrow xxStarxx

Star your doing great and it looks like your having to fight tooth and nail each day so big respect. I know this is a different diary, more honest and more determined than previous ones (i think im right in saying that), just wondering if you have maybe reached a point where you dare go and stop youself from having that casino option you so nearly drove to closed off. self exclude. i know you have previously said you couldnt bring yourself to do that. maybe your stronger now, ready to do it, tke someone with you maybe.

keep going strong whatever you decide

Keep strong lovely xx you didn't gamble today! Maybe you should think soon about self excluding from that place xx

Hang in there star and keep that heart of yours firmly protected.

Take care.

Feb.

Hey Star, hold on tight and push through, these thoughts won't last long, and you will thrn be feeling even more positive :))

Well done on 29 days, and just keep thinking hand on my heart I will not gamble today, (make sure triangle is broken too) this helps

Keep strong and win for real

Suzanne xxx

With a name like Star, I have you pictured on a surf board, riding the waves of emotions, doing a one hand handstand with the other hand on your heart.

Keep riding the waves Star, dry land ahoy...