Start Living Again

Well done bud your doing great sounds like you are doing everything right. I too attend GA how are you finding it? I think it great made a difference to me. But not looked at counselling a bit scared of that at the minute maybe in time I will go down that route

Day 53 . checked in to 100 day challenge, 2016 challenge, and made a couple of posts on the odd thread.

I may sound a little none committal, and to some extent thats true, but only none commital to whether being here on the forum is actually adding any value to my recovery. I am committed to not gambling again lifetime, and finidng what truerecovery looks like also... i get that they arent necessarily the same thing.

The thing with the site which is therefore effectively its membership (maybe i will get shot down for this) is that well its like a few sites i have been on before i was trying to give up gambling... full of well intentioned people saying what they think is right thing to say (definitely the better type of posters), a few trolls, a few attention seekers, a few preachers and a bunch of clueless lost souls (this is me btw) who dont know what to make of it all.

Theres so many things im wrestling with . Like coming here to read and or post, when i actually at times havent been thinking about gambling at all til i come here. Dont get complacent my mind says, but then i spend three hours reading about relapses, new heartbreaking stories, GA this and that (sorry GA advocates), block this, break that triangle, do tell him/her/them.. dont help him, do get counselling , read this book, watch this vid, look at this article..... More recently toad and a few people clearly trying to help, and a bruised ego here or there .... a good deal of tutting i suspect....

I dont have a full recovery plan , but have a few simple things im doing so far around abstaining, and few other very simple goals to promote a more positve certainly less harmful way of filling my time. Does this mean im not engaging with recovery ?

I havent managed ot admit i am powerless over my gambling and that i need a higher being. I havent worked out if i want to live a value driven life, or buy into mindfulness. I havent yet had 121 counselling but its been requested.

I actually find alot of the posts by day@atime very interesting and thought provoking btw, i like alans posts, odaat, sandra, change, triangle, star, brownie, dean, dunc, cynical wife, half life .... and loads more. I am rooting for all of us, but i dont agree with every viewpoint and i dont even quite know what i do really believe in presently.... Being slightly less of a t**t is a start ...

Manupnow - I understand your predicament. I want to go back to a 'normal' life and reading and re-reading about gambling isn't normal. But I'm not at a stage where I can go back to normality... I might never get there either. All I know is that in the next 1 hour, next 24 hours, next week etc I must not gamble and I find that being on here is the easiest way to help me remain focused. I've got to stop gambling. It's really that simple but it's all really serious. I cannot give up on life and slowly slowly I am starting to get some life back.

You don't have to agree of take action on the different options and opinions on how to deal with this. I would say as long you consider what advice you get try it if you think it will help if it doesn't try something else till you find the formula that works for you. That's the only you me or anyone else will get through this

Keep going the way you are 53 days shows it's working you

KTF

Yeah thanks fellas i know i just need to work out whats gonna work for me. Signing off tonight, ive read myself silly again. I appreciate your posts and support, likewise keep GF with whatever works for you.. best wshes

Being slightly less of a ****** is indeed a great start. Its where we all begin 🙂

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Hi Manupnow, just read your post's and just wanted to add that you do whats best for you ,. The saying "if it aint broke don't fix it " comes to mind and yeah thats ok but what if you can make it better ? .

W'e*e all broke to an extent on here and I'm not just talking about the money ! but I find this very theraputic , I can't just walk away from a gambling enviroment that I've been around for 35 years without answering a few questions about myself , as much as I'm comfortable in the knowledge that I can never have another bet again , I'm interested in how similar I am to others and why we all do it to ourselves day in day out and on here I'm beginning to see a pattern unfolding .

I go through shed loads of emotional stuff , with constantly changing feelings and moods and the only place I can discuss those feelings and moods is on here with others who go through the same thing , sure I talk to my family about them but it takes someone affected by gambling to know exactly where w'e*e coming from .

Thats the reason I hang around , it works for me . Youre doing great in your own right and I'm pleased your where you are but we all know theres no hard and fast rules on this, what works works !

I know how I felt 4months ago when I came on here , really desperate ,not knowing what to do or where to turn and seriously thinking I was going to end it all and then people spoke to me and I knew that I wasn't alone anymore and thats all it took to make me turn my life around ,so thats why I post particularly on the newbies forum , coz I know how I felt that night !.

Take care of yourself my friend , just be happy in your recovery , however you do it !

Best wishes Alan

Hey there ! Many thanks for the kind comment's and I really appreciate them , were all here for one common goal and thats just to get through our cravings for the gambling bug and come out the otherside with as little fuss as possible and if we can add a bit of humor and a giggle along the way , all the better .

As someone said on here the other day they were suffering from " Optical Rectumitus " apparently it's when the nerve's in your eye's become entangled with the ones in your a*r*s*e and you end up with a s*h*i*t*t*y outlook ? and that's a disease I don't want to contract !.

And you can call me what you like as I seem to answer to most things around here !

Have a great day my friend and keep racking the days up !

54 days and still going strong.

i did write a very very long post, but somehow clicked a wrong key and lost it. it was background stuff, about when i lost my mum (Deceased sadly) about ten years ago, relatively quickly followed by losing my longterm relationship (not deceased thankfully) ... but irrepairable all the same and lots of pain and suffering allround. I had also written a bit about my current situ and how unfulfilled i am still,,, but it can all wait... i may gather the energy to post some of it in the future.

quick update for now tho. I have just been given my first date and time for counselling which is on wednesday... no doubt i will cover some of those bases then.

I am flying through reading books at the minute too which is good , mainly novels, not self help/recovery stuff. I do watch a few vids and the like and obviously i am spending some time on here most days too. I want to get a good balance and not let being on the forum be so consuming. Its a while back now but i used to spend alot of time almost obsessively so on poker forums.... I guess moderate habits around use of a recovery forum are definitely not as harmful as immersion in actual gambling topics.

final quick one, spoke to my brother today as he is due to go on his hols for a couple of weeks, he is naturally pleased i am staying strong and that my counselling is gonna kick in too. he has been a star from when i first broke the news i was in the grip of this awful illness. yes i believe its an illness, but not untreatable.

Thanks all

Hi ya, such a pain when that happens but great to see you going strong 🙂

Sorry to hear about your Mum 🙁 I slate mine but it will be a sad day when I lose her. Hopefully the counselling will provide you ways to channel your grief so that it's not quite so painful, I'm not daft enough to think it will ever go away.

Problem with a forum full of addicts is we're a forum full of addicts! Come here when you want to & then do what you want when you're here...I'm still mega confused about what is recovery but there are no hard & fast rules & thinking about it makes my lonely brain cell hurt! I'm not gambling, I know I can't go back to gambling & if I start getting urges so strong that I need to shout for help then shout I will. Sounds to me like you are doing just what your handle suggests & your brother is rightly proud!

Keep @ it - ODAAT

OK , So now we're mates , I'll chat to you a bit more, LOL !

You see you get it as well , some it affects so deeply with symptoms of withdrawl , as has been seen many times on here some cannot literally go a day or even a couple of hours without a gamble and thats what I struggle to understand , that you would come here and not have some idea of what giving up is all about , for me it wasnt about an addiction so much but breaking the habit of going to the bookies / casino that led to the addiction , sure I suffered the buzz that we all get and all the symptoms of our losing days, anger, irritability , shakes , that sort of thing but dealing with the habit was the thing for me .

Just like smoking before I gave up many years ago , most of those cigi's were automatic ones , after a meal or first thing in the morning or even after s*x [ thats why I was a forty a day man ] ? Ha! Ha! but seriously it was just a habit , that once broken wasn't a problem , maybe it's just getting in the right mindset ? I've been so focused from day one that When I came here all I pictured in my mind was a future without gambling and as soon as my mind wandered I'd just re focus my thoughts on where I wanted to be .

Gambling almost destroyed me to the point of not wanting to be here anymore , so if something affects you that bad why keep doing it to yourself ?.

Love the handle by the way !

Have a good one buddy and thanks for dropping by !

That's a very interesting post Alan. Very interesting indeed.

40 a day Al,thats alot of meals. hee hee.

Great post, thanks. Yes im doing lots of things to break habits. I feel happy with were I am at such a relatively early stage, but so much still to do. like you i have alot of good in my life, and i cant let myself or anyone else for that matter down. at the same time i have many areas i dont feel as fulfilled ... but its all work in progress.

Im struggling with the powerless bit ,,,, ive posted over at day@atime to see if he can give me some food for thought.

Hi yeah , just saw the pos't , and I fully admit that I'm powerless to control my gambling and thats why I'm here , when I was in the zone so to speak , no one was gonna get in the way , I can remember being at the casino one night and the female croupier chatting to me as I was the only one on the table at the time , She asked if I new how much I wanted to win ? apparently most people would either want to double there money or make a certain amount , well I just laughed and thought what is she on as if I want to stop , I just want to keep playing untill I win enough but how much would have been enough ?

Another time in the bookies , pretty much 2k up from the roulette machine , did I walk away?, nah! straight back in , plus another 500 trying to get that back , w*f was I thinking ?

I'm not saying I would never do GA but at the moment I don't see the need although it may do me some good just to experience it so I could have a better idea over things , when posting comments !

Boo to dependants eh & I guess that's just the sort of stuff that sends people running to escape!? I guess your Dad never got over the loss either 🙁 I was only pondering yesterday what happens in a few years time when my Nan (who may actually live forever) has gone & my Mum needs looking after...We can all laugh & joke about it now but it's really no laughing matter that I don't have it in me to care for anyone! I think that your honesty goes a long way on this journey...Being able to say that 'it sucks but it is what it is' may help you dig through the fog!

I'm not sure how I missed this diary but I'm hooked now...(excuse the dots, I luv them) I think you sound a lot like me (soz if that's a kick in the man bits)! Not really sure what recovery is all about but enjoying the gamble free days & ready to look harder if what you're doing stops working!

I AM a good listener (saving that one for my Norvern Monkey) so feel free to drop by anytime!

8 weeks of winning so whatever you are doing, keep on doing it - ODAAT