Start now, succeed every day

Rule12. “Fret not where the road will take you. Instead concentrate on the first step. That's the hardest part and that's what you are responsible for.”

Acknowledging the error/consequence/weakness is Step 1
You've taken that. You have sought refuge and reached out for help.
With the biggest step undertaken the next thing is to find your balance.
That can be hard no doubt but internal strength and belief in the Almighty will make you succeed and run to Him as He is the greatest of all Love!
Stay strong!
I'm behind you!! 🙂

There's so many things that run through your head at any given second, it's hard to hold still.

For examples, all the Reasons why you cant open up to others about gambling run in your mind, or all the different techniques that you have tried to overcome this, or all the continuous crunching of numbers of all the combined debts that you are in and how if it's even possible to overcome it. It's non stop and relentless and enough to make anyone crazy.
sometimes only sleep is the stratrgy to get you through to the next day.

But these are all issues I hope I can deconstruct over the course of this diary. For now, sleep and get through to day 2.

It was nice to wake up, even if it was at 4 am this morning, and not feel alone in this problem, at least for the first time in about 5 years.

Of course I still feel terrible, but at least some burden of this disease is shared.

In my experience, there are two phases to get through. The first phase is the acute phase, getting out of the gamble cycle. Breaking free requires a lot of strength (and every avoidance tactic) in this phase. The days are long and tough and the rest always a compulsion or devil whispering in the ear. This phase normally lasts a few days to a few weeks, but if you get through it, you start to feel human again, and can start returning to normal mind and physical activities, and your new self can no longer understand why the old self could even contemplate gambling In the first place.

The second phase of recovery is the hard one. This is where despite having a new found belief , you have to continue to keep your guard up - and from my experience this needs to be forever and forever.

If I can get to phase 2, which I'll be in a few days or a week or so, I'll need to really work out phase 2 strategies that will work permanently. Firstly, I plan to maintain some writing here and be open and honest with every feeling with my mom. Secondly, when available, I will return to counselling. Thirdly, I'll seek medical advice, and maybe seek out antidepressants as there must be a depressive trigger.

And when I'm in a steadier, stable and stronger position, let my wife know.

For now, let's get through day 2. Try and eat a little, and concentrate on getting through a day of work. Today will be easier to cope then last week at least.

Yo, so agree with what you have written re stage one and stage 2 . Though it all though try to be kind to you , it’s oh so easy to beat oneself up , the past is the past, you are determined to sort thiis , coming clean and seeking help from your mum shows that . So let phase 2 start when it starts , and focus on today , not gambling and rebuilding yourself if that makes sense .

I know when I relapsed the accdiction loved me feeling guilt, ashamed and having a very low self worth , these acted as anchors for the addiction to overpower me again .

Take care, stay strong Shiny

Dustyfairy - I like your thoughts. What has gone has gone. It will not return and to negatively feel depressed and down waiting for that feeling to uplift before moving on to Phase 2 is self destructive. You are right, to wallow in depression will once again fuel the original addiction and before you know it you are sucked right in the middle of it one more time.
Yes, draw a line, be grateful for all positives, thank God for support around and immediately build the self esteem lost.
The past has gone, present is here and a beautiful and bright future must be sought with full heart and mind.

Dustyfairy - I like your thoughts. What has gone has gone. It will not return and to negatively feel depressed and down waiting for that feeling to uplift before moving on to Phase 2 is self destructive. You are right, to wallow in depression will once again fuel the original addiction and before you know it you are sucked right in the middle of it one more time.
Yes, draw a line, be grateful for all positives, thank God for support around and immediately build the self esteem lost.
The past has gone, present is here and a beautiful and bright future must be sought with full heart and mind.

Thanks dustyfairy, getting to phase two is the first step. Each day is tough. And you are continual in two debts - one is financial, the other is to those you hurt.

Both require enormous strength to overcome.

So coming to the end of day 2, mixed in many ways. Im thankful for the support received and there's a path out. This gives me courage and hopefulness. But there's a lot of whirlwind and the disaster still occupies too much brain cells, especially when walking alone, to and from work. Each step weighs a lot as I transition from cloudiness to that point where you can't believe what just happened to you can't believe you were that human that threw it all away.

The dauntingness is also the future and how to be free years ahead. I have gotten through this period before, albeit its only through personal support do I truly have the chance to hit the reset button. My last true reset button was many years ago, perhaps 5 years back. So im lucky to have a chance to reset and get back afloat again through an open path, not many others are so Lucky. I still have to work very hard financially to get to ground zero but at least I'm being held up rather than crawling.

But i'm very lucky to have a chance, a last chance. So we go again, day 3 tomorrow.

I know one thing is clear, I have to keep writing, maybe to start with, multiple times a day, but even when I'm In a safe, happy zone, I must write as much as possible, every day or at least a few times a week, something that maintains this diary, and maintains my vigilance and maintains my struggle. Because when you forget, you are at risk, and a number of coinciding events can trigger a relapse.

If I stop writing for a long period of time, it means I'm in trouble again .. (that's what I think)

Day 3 begins, the end of day 2 was tough, no major compulsion to gamble, but scrolling thru phone, you see deals for cash back opportunities here and there, and other ways to secure a few earnings, and your mind drifts of ways to alleviate the financial pressure and you spend 30 minutes to an hour of your night time dwelling on it, and all your losses.

However nothing was acted upon, but these are symptoms of being in phase 1 still. It's eaerly days.

Today I hope to spend less time with phone, and learn to be more human again, and also catch up on lost sleep.

Doing well June bug 🙂
I think as you write you are delving deep inside and bringing out the frustrations that cause you/caused you to gamble.
It seems to me that one of the things is your self esteem of being in a brilliant position for many years and not having anything to show for it.
This in turn makes you want to explore how to save more and how to risk money to double it, thinking that your risk choices are well thought out.
However, the understanding that the gamble business is top heavy for you to lose and them to gain - and 'them' don't gamble themselves, they just scoop up your money and smoke cigars in yachts!
You must understand that designer/gambling is designed to make fools out of ppl.
Keep going strongly and clear those braincells and understand that they are after your money 🙂
You need to hold it tight. It will grow gradually but strongly.
When you plant a seed it doesn't become a tree overnight!
Spend time relaxing with the real worthy ppl. All the tea in China don't hold a candle to your nearest and dearest.
Recovery lies only in understanding that you will never again be fooled!!
Keep going! Day 3 will turn to Day 3000 🙂

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"

Many many Neon Gods creating problems - need to make friends with our own Good!

Forty Rules of Love

Rule 11

The quest for love changes user. There is no seeker among those who search for love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for love, you start to change within and without.

This morning I read another diary on here. Not fully as it was over 200 posts but there are so many similarities with so many people, it's like the only people who know the true emotionaldevastation are fellow sufferers. And it's always a highly brilliant collection of minds.

It's scary as you read day 5, Day 10, day 50, day 100 and you know that somewhere in the diary the relapse is coming. I wonder what the actual odds are of us succeeding.

Either way, have to try everything, this website helps, these forum helps, this diary helps and is a very positive step.

I know as you recover, you forget about the past mistakes, which makes you feel normal again and then the risks come back. The key is to forget and not forget at the same time.

I am setting a new rule. If I don't post at least once in seven days, consider me relapsed. If I don't post on here for seven days, and I don't appear open and transparent about my finances, then alarm bells should ring, I have failed.

It would be great if I could also develop friends on here that would also monitor my 7 day rule and we had a way of reaching out beyond this forum is times of loneliness in this battle, but I think first I must develop friends on here so we can help each other.

Naturally though the first months, I expect I'll be posting far more frequently, but lifelong, I need to post, and I need to contributr my experience to others as I continue to succeed.

First target is ten days, and slowly get a financial handle of the problem.

Now im just at the beginning of day 3.

Also I think maybe I should set myself personal rewards for hitting milestones, not financial rewards, but self esteem building rewards..

Hitting day 10, I should find a way to go congratulate myself, maybe go for a personal walk to reflect on the achievement.

Day 20, have a reward - same myself a nice cup of tea and celebrate.

Day 30 - some other mini celebration etc etc etc.

I think this regular personal celebration of a milestone may build up self esteem.

So day ten is my first target and just enjoy a ten minute walk to reflect purely on a successful time. Lets see how that works, to be honest, I know the first 30 days are the easiest to remain free, the challenge for me will come from day 30 to day 100.