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JB81,

Thanks for your post on my diary which is very much appeciated.

I have been reading through some of your posts during my lunch break and in particualar I am very fond of your post relating to the the phase 1 and phase 2. I like this and agree with it whole heartedly.

You mentioned on my dairy about the importance of writing on your diary. That is key and very important.

On my part, the selfish side of me takes over without my being aware of it. I come here when I need it and I need it the most after a relapse. I find myself on the forum on and off all day. I read. I write as much as possible and I get the benefits from this but somewhere down the line when I have a heavy period of abstinence under my belt I tend to fall away from my diary and the forum. Often my actions regards the diary can be brutally selfish where I read the forum but do not contribute. This is obviously ridiculous. This is a community and if we all contribute then we can help ourselves and each other.

The only way that I can explain it is that at the moment I can barely go an hour without thinking about my situation. I am careful when writing that because I could have written that I cannot go an hour without thinking about gambling but that is not true. I am not thinking about the act of gambling only the consequences of gambling. In time, with abstinence and other positive things in my life, I will stop thinking about the consequences of gambling as much because by that time the consequences will not be that great i.e. debt paid off, no more sleepless nights, diluted regret etc. Sometimes I see this as a positive. There comes a time for me when I no longer rely on the forum and can go about my daily business as usual.

What I have just typed above explains me and only me. I wish I were not this way. I wish I was like DMac who has posted and helped others on here for years and years. A dear friend Shiny has returned to the forum this week and she is unbelievable in the time that she takes to help others and support others on here. I wish I could be more like them.

I have enjoyed reading your posts. You seem like an intelligent and sensible person who wants to take the necessary steps to prevent gambling from being destructive in your life. I am only two weeks in from my last relapse so who knows perhaps we will be throwing an online party this time next year celebrating how fabulous we are in going one year without gambling and all the grief that is provides.

Take care.

Tomso.

Tomso, actually we are in a very similar position and I found solace from shiny and dmac posts too and I'm actually envious of you a little as you have that comraderie and diary friendships that have developed.

Yes wouldn't it be wonderful to be one day be supporters of the inevitable others that are in this hell.

Im in the same boat, I used the forum at my lowest, then recovered and forgot this place.

We need to become a dmac and a shiny and be graduates of this place that continue to teach.

My rule is to post on my diary, even if I'm out of the acute phase, and not obsessing over reading everything.

Also, I did want to create friends away from the forum, a text message or a phone call or a whatsapp would be a great way to have a different way of reaching companions. Sometimes logging in to the forum is itself is monotonous and maybe that's why we drift away.

Yo, but you are a supporter already . When someone new comes they read your diary see your courage in telling your mum, your determination to fight this leaps off the page and shines a light to those who can not see their hand in front of their face . Have a good day , stay strong , oh how about getting a reward every time you delete or send your unwanted text messages head first into the spam bin. Be interested tomorrow the head count but don’t forget to empty the refuse bin if required. Shiny 🙂

Thanks Shiny, keep building me up. It's needed. Each day is a reward, truly. But I'm gonna keep setting milestones to reach too.

Yes we are supporting others by posting, no doubt, but I want to become the guy that's here for longer, gamble free for longer. I want to prove it can be done, to others. I'm not sure if there is going to be a relapse in this diary thread, I can never say...maybr someone is reading this thread one day, follows my diary, gets support by what I have achieved, and then boom,
day 100 I'm disappeared..its like reading a story with a bad ending.. . But I'm taking it cautiously and optimisitcally I have a good support system in my mom, im blessed for that, and if I do forge ahead on to day 100, day 200, etc, then I hope it can be a source of inspiration.

Sometimes it is a little morale crushing when you read someone else's journey and then the thread stops, or a major relapse ensues because you think there's no hope for anyone.. So let's hope more threads light the way.

The more examples of long term success there is, the more hope others may have. Onward to day 10!

Midway through day 3, doing well, even laughed at a little at work.

It's a lot easier as the financial worries are lessened with my moms support, knowing each month I have support to cover payments and the acute stresses are gone. That allows my mind to not be clouded by immediate stress - of course it's stressful but not handicapping. For that, I'm in a very lucky and privileged position compared to a lot of others going through the acute phases of recovery. When I have tried to do this on my own, after earlier relapses, the acute phase is so much harder to recover from, but not impossible.

I have a roadmap for debt solution, and I have closed three credit cards today, that's liberating.. .. The remaining 8 (eight!!) credit cards have large positive balances but this will get solved with time. I have to stay this course for life.

I have a family dependent on this, their lives are dependent on me succeeding, so this is a real motivator but also a real wake up call. Now or never.

I'm looking forward to turning my phone off this evening and spending time with them.

It's great to read your posts June bug and others who are jumping in to help whilst recounting their own experiences.
I don't think you should see other people's stopping writing negatively - they probably haven't relapsed they have probably succeeded in their fight.
We must view things positively.
It's all too easy to always look on the dark side. And always to imagine the worst.
Many years ago in school there was a lesson from a reformed drug addict who had been there and come back to tell the tale.
The best recounters of history and best supporters are those who have been in the deep of it.
Your writings should focus on that.
Help others, there won't be a monetary gain but their definitely will be inner peace when you change negative to positive!

You are right, I shouldn't assume about others writings and their journeys, hopefully many are out to a happier side. After injury, people learn to walk and run again without crutches, so why not the same here.

For me, I want to keep writing, it's my crutches, so I have set my standard. Even if I can walk and run again, bringing out the crutches for a quick walk on crutches every seven days may not be a bad reminder of the old injury!

You're a great writer. You must certainly continue writing - even if you inspire one person through their difficult journey you will be successful!
In doing so you will also have used your boundless mental energy/capacity in positivity instead of negativity.

Your own journey also should be planned and taken step by step.
Day 1 was extremely difficult but necessary. That day you admitted defeat and opened up to accept help.
Day 2/3 was the extreme guilt/unhappiness/ashamedness of your deeds.
Day 4 approaching:
Now you need to go through the difficult process of forgiving self.
Constant bashing self is not conducive. When one falls over breaking a leg one does not assign blame for what happened. They accept something broke and now needs mending.
So, yes, something did break.
Day 4 is the day for self forgiveness.
🙂

Today I woke up fairly blue. Not in a gambling way, just the whole sordid affair, and the people I have dragged through this.

I have had a great few years with my wife, and now child, and my happier memories of course are clouded by these episodes if destruction.

Sometimes I have surprised myself how I have managed at work, and even thrived / excelled at an extremely demanding profession.

But these blue days are inevitable and I have to keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a long day at work. I have no urge to gamble, I just wish I could get to the lighter place, stable in mood and be the best human I can be

JB,

One of my major character defects is lack of patience. I can be a very impatient person which can be frustrating for others around me.

The things you mention on your last post - lighter place, stable in mood and be the best human I can be - you can have all of these things but it takes time and work and a great deal of patience. It is inevitable however, that one day you will have this and it will be during a quiet time on your own that you will realise that you are happy, that everything has changed. This will be as a result of all your hard work.

Take care.

Tomso.

You hit the nail on the head Tomso. Patience is a characteristic which if learned and followed, itself provides acceptance and happiness.
In fact forever and a day we are always looking for the end goal which will provide us happiness. However life is in constant flux and even if you reach your goal you will still look for something bigger and better to create happiness.
'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....it's learning to dance in the rain'
Don't sit sheltering from every storm. It's not gonna blow over so easily. There will be clouds, lightening, thunder ... You name it - it'll be there!
One must dance through it. Accept it, get wet but keep on going!
Wishing to be somewhere else is also part of the original problem. It's a fantasy world.
The best part of the day is gratitude x 1000 - you are alive, the best things are free, you have good support - don't whip yourself silly. What is done is done - let's dance forward!
In response to this comment Junebug - look at the positive every time - despite being in a melancholy mood and upset to the hilt you manage to perform your job. That is a tremendous feat!
Keep looking for the half full glass!

Thanks fortyrules, Tomso,

Ironically I think patience is one of my strengths in most things in life. It still beats me how I have ended up here when I put the rest of my personality in context. I don't even seek riches and have always been content with the simplest of things.

Its hard to analyse how we all find ourselves in this position, I have tried to figure myself out for years how and why I relapse, what's my motivation, and I'm still mostly left with theoroes rather than concrete understanding of how this happened.

Anyhow, today was a busy day at work, and life's other priorities and problems have superseded the gambling issues. Of course I'm lucky, because the acute worry of finances is less intense, so it's not occupying my every thought.

Day 4 was a tough one for life reasons, not gambling!

Haa! We're reaching an understanding with Day 4 🙂
If we are busy with our normal life there is no time for other things.
I find that time and money is the playground of the devil.
In the days of Hunter gatherers or even in stricken poverty in the world today there was/is no time to think of anything else all day but to gather food and serve the stomach.
In the days of riches where the stomach is full we use our times to thrill our minds.
It is the latter which needs control.
We need to decipher which thrills are safe and which are not.
Here comes Day 5
🙂

Yo, have a vision of you out forging in the forest gathering berries and nettles for a cuppa. All joking aside , totally get what you are saying. Think we have to be careful to ensure that the balance is right , if we have no downtime to relax, could be possibly feel that gambling was our reward for all we had done . Know I certainly at times used it as reward because I had worked hard that week, actually I chuckled then, I used it as a reward for anythig, painting the bathroom , painting my nails lol no I really did not need a reason, I just rewarded everything .

Anyways have a good day ! Enjoy your cuppa .........Shiny 🙂