Start now, succeed every day

Shiny - foraging is not a bad idea 🙂
Being in nature surrounded by greenery and bird songs will give the nicer reward for hard work 🙂

Day 5 begins. I feel a little bit better as I transition from the grip of a relapse (where mind is fuzzy, a giant stupor) to a bit more clarity of thought, where your mind starts to distance itself from the previous actions... "was that really me? " this transition phase takes a week or two I imagine.

I have started to read one of the diaries on here, Charly's life, about a woman who quit gambling, she kept a diary in 2008, all the way till she died of cancer. I'm only actually partly through it but it's a terribly inspiring story albeit incredibly sad.

It makes you grateful. One of the quotes I picked up from her was:

"I know I will have enough as I have stopped gambling now"

I'll keep reading through her story and gain strength from it.

Fancy a cuppa shiny and forty? 🙂

Yo, no sugar in mine , ditched that addiction 40 years ago . Lol ......... Shiny x

Hehe - I'm still addicted to sugar 🙁
That's my devil in me.
Spring is round the corner - sun, flowers, buds ... All signal rebirth
🙂

Hi JB,

Well done for getting through the first five days. The first three weeks are always the hardest. Usually that’s the beauty of giving anything up - the hardest bit is the beginning and it gets easier from there.

Tomso

I'm not sure if it's end of day 4 or 5, it's been a busy day, and I haven't been too down. Have spent a few brief minutes reading and commenting on other diaries, reading the struggle and strength of others is very comforting.

I have been reflecting on the terminology of mental disease today and my childhood.

Mental illness is widespread in my family, different forms, different diseases and i remember joking to myself as a teenager that I'd becone schizophrenic. Obviously that never happened and I have lived being very responsible in all my affairs, academically, dedication to family needs, never touched a drop of alcohol or a cigarette, no drugs, no chasing women, and I always felt I was mature and responsible. So how did this flaw and addiction come about.. It's hard to fathom but after so many years of battling, I do accept it's a disease process that is intertwined with inner depression and mental health.

So its something to recognise and accept, like all mental health issues, it's a long and continuous struggle to keep under wraps.

I'm feeling stable in that recognition, I'm keen to solve it. I'm looking forward to becoming that teenage boy again.

Financially, Im lucky to get a little help this next few months to cover the acute problems, with active monitoring, then work hard to getting back to ground zero.

I'm going to say next Wednesday will be my official day 10 party, where I'll buy myself a cup of coffee or tea from a coffee shop I always walk past on the way to work. It looks like a cool coffee shop, I haven't been in there yet, so that will be my treat for making 10 days...

Yo, morning , hope there’s a choc chip cookie to along with that beverage . Have a good day , you are doing brill , all you need to do now is keep on keeping on and the days will mount up before you know it ........ Shiny:-)

In the previous episodes there was always denial, non acceptance and thinking/hoping the bogeyman would disappear by himself.
Now there is a change in attitude. Yes, there is a problem, yes problems come to even angels, yes this could be a mental health problem.
The quest towards success has already started.
Acceptance, gratitude, look for problem and then devise a foolproof solution.
Bogeyman has to go permanently - by hook or by crook!!

Just walking home from work. It's been a long day and quote tired. I have been mostly happy and jovial and despite the busy day I have been engaged and extroverted with colleagues. A little like my self when I started this new job in August.

On the walk home I don't necessarily feel guilt or in crisis, but just an emptiness, I feel a little hollow and upset with myself.

Im lucky to have a wonderful family and a beautiful and innocent wife who is the best thing I have. I ought to show her and my kiddo the best of me once more.

I'm looking forward to getting through to my day ten, and trying a new coffee house just for tehirty minutes of reflection and celebration.

I have decided this is definitely the last time I have ever gambled, it's done, and I want to help others get through this . I'm gonna get through this myself, then pull others through too. Isn't that the best reward I can get from all this self inflicted suffering?

Also just another thought, isn't it funny, that whilst trying to overcome addiction,you have to simultaneously figure out how to recover whilst equally analyse how you got into trouble in the first place. Both criteria are essential whilst also dealing with the turmoil of a relapse. Nutso

Heard this song, shallow, from a star is born. It's sweet and im sure a cheesy hit, but it reminded me of me and my friends here on this forum...

Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
Tell me something, boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?
I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

---

I need to learn to love again, to love myself, and those around me once more.

I'm glad I have started this diary, it's nice to have a place to run to, and nice to open your thoughts to those who understand and to those who are supporting.

It's been a mixed day, I have been mostly happy and feel blessed to have my wife and kid around me. My wife talks about just wanting to spend some more money, as these past few years we have been on a budget (irrespective of my unbeknown debt) and I cringe a little. She deserves a little more but I know one day, I'll get her to that more financial secure place, and it definitely won't be by gambling. That s**t is done.

I still read other people's posts and it's helpful to try and advise, even though in honestly, I write the advice mostly for myself... It's a good idea to follow your advice I think 🙂

Also, a few times during the day I have drifted back to the moments when I was "up" in gambling, debts much less, or even at one point massively in the positive. Obviously you always lose. I'm not sure why I think about that these moments, not because I have any desire to get to that position again, especially it can never be obtained by gambling, but for some reason those moments have been reflected upon today. We will take it as a "be careful" sign, and I'll post a few more inner thoughts throughout the next few days.

So yesterday I got the first dose of financial help (well not the first, my mom has bailed me out a number of times in the past)...

But the first dose of this LAST relapse..

We are setting up a financial plan, and there's a very long way to go to pay this off, but the immediate stresses are lifted and there's a little stability... More so in the fact I have someone to go to if the daily financial struggle compromises the needs of my little family. I think that has been one of the many triggers of relapse, not being able to afford stuff... But not in the sense "gambling will win it back and make life great", more in the sense, it gets me down, adds another stressor or cause to be depressed, mix it with a few other triggers, and I relapse as a way of my mind not having to think about other stuff.. Perhaps...? These remain theories and guesses even after so many years.

I think every week or so I should write out lists..

Things I'm grateful for..

Things I worried about..

Things I want..

And maybe that adds some clarity to the overall recovery. Maybe do that next post.

Yo, hoping that you are not in that guilt reflective mode . It takes a lot of courage to come clean, You have your mum I have my big brother. Both just want the best for us , I try everyday to make my brother proud of me by not gambling and keeping my addiction at bay. He tells me couple of times a year, that he is proud of me and my dedication to recovery, it’s early days for you, but you are so committed to sorting this, I have no doubt that your mum , family will see this . Make sure you are being kind to you .........Shiny:-)

Thank you Shiny, that means a lot. Yes having others support and be proud of you makes a difference. One of the guilts KS stressing people who are already under stress, I wanted my existence to be a net destressor of people, not an overall net stressor.

The only solution to stop stressing others is to get to the other side. My gosh, a long way to go

One must make an intention first in order to work towards making it work.
It's good that a plan has been set up to clear the past debts. It is advised that family does not clear the debt but the person who created does.
This encourages responsibility and adherence to reality.
So good that plans are including debt arrangements but at the same instance have become manageable and stress free.
As worry subsides in this corner it gives energy to dig deeply into oneself whilst at the same time enjoy those things which matter most and mostly are free!
This fight is going to be tough but intention has been made and every energy channeled to build strength in mind, body and soul to create success!!
Well done to get through day 6/7?