Hey , thanks for the posts on my diary. Just had a read through yours - I believe we’re on the same day? Day 7 today..?
Brandon, yes, I kinda have lost the day count, these days are a blur. I have pencilled in day 10 as this Wednesday celebration. 🙂
In relation to gambling, I thought I'd write out things that make me sad, happy, and what my future hopes are. This first post is about sadness. Maybe in the next few posts I'll write about the others.
The following are what makes me sad, and I suspect no matter into the future, these aspects will always be sadness inducingb for me.. Yes I know they can never be changed, but it's still aleays a part of me...and so even if I make a great and amazing recovery, I will always drift back to this...
In no specific order of priority...
What makes me sad is piling pressure on my mom, knowing the pressures in life she has dealt with through her life. I always wanted to be a helper, not a hindrance.
What makes me sad is that my wife and son have to compromise on their expenditures and lifestyle because of lack of finances.
What makes me sad is my gambling history will always be a part of me and my history.
What makes me sad is not what I have lost monetarily, but the sadness associated with relapses, which blot many memories of my life. There are certain vivid ones and moments that flash back of how I was and ruin what should have been truly happier times.
What makes me sad is the intellectual energy lost in the 90% of my time (when im in recovery and not gambling ), trying to figure out debts. I have spent my entire adult life, even on the best and most productive moments, having to figure out debts. It's exhausting.
What makes me sad is not fulfilling my truest potential.
What makes me sad is knowing this is a disease for life and that I will always need to be vigilant and wary, for every day for a relapse can happen anytime.. And that I'll need to frequent this forum and write regularly and be open, and seek other sources of help forever and forever if I'm ever going to survive.
What makes me sad is that I still have a huge uphill debt to climb, just to break even let alone think about savings for my family .
What makes me sad is my wife who saves every penny and looks for coupons and shopping deals, knowing we don't have much money (and not knowing the debt I'm in). She'll buy me some clothes and return them the next day because we can't afford it. That's very heartbreaking.
What makes me sad is being scared for the future, not knowing how this story pans out .
Maybe tomorrow I'll write about what makes me happier.. 🙂
Yo, I really hope that writing that down was threpytic ( can’t spell that ) and I look forward to you happiness post tomorrow . Sleep well..... Shiny:-)
I think it's spelt therapooooooootic 🙂
JuneBug81 wrote: In relation to gambling, I thought I'd write out things that make me sad, happy, and what my future hopes are. This first post is about sadness.
So why exactly did you do this? You never outlined your intention for doing so.
Was it because you're a sucker for punishment? Or maybe stark reminders will build up a thick wall of resolve against gambling again? Beating the s**t out of yourself every day may stop you gambling, but what sort of life is this to lead moving forward?
(This is not a rhetorical question) :o)
To add to your list (if I may)... It makes me sad that all you know is punishment and self-loathing through your destructive gambling, so even in recovery you are reverting to type.
It's a process of discovery... Not repetition.
If you're going to beat the s**t out of yourself after gambling why don't you just gamble instead? It's the same thing but at least it comes with kicks.
Hope you get where I'm coming from with this. Now that you've written all that out what has changed?
Yes, you feel more resilient against gambling in this moment as you reminded yourself of all the pain, but as mentioned, if you want pain... Just go gamble again! Here's a suggestion... Draw a line and live a beautiful life minus the pain!
JuneBug81 wrote: Maybe tomorrow I'll write about what makes me happier.. 🙂
Now you're talking... Look forward to that.
Hi JB,
I have just read through your previous post. I can see why these things make you sad. Gambling destruction brings misery to ourselves and others around us. Having said that, it is important to focus on how you are going to spin all that sadness into happiness.
The list you have detailed of sad times/occurences was as a direct consequence of your gambling. With time, your act of non gambling consequently will bring about happiness. By not gambling you will have more money, you will have more time to devote to your family, you will have more time to focus on yourself.
Don't be down be joyous. You are starting out on a journey of recovery and the opportunites that lie ahead are unlimited. The joys and benefits of a few years of abstinence are rarely the ones that we imagined at the outset. All we can focus on at the beginning of our journey is money. In time, you will worry about the money less and be blown away by the "small things". I've seen this happen on here plenty of times. I experienced it myself and you will too.
Take care.
Tomso.
Hey, I have made it onto two pages, thanks for the comments all.
Yes writing out what specifically makes me sad regarding my gambling is a good way to piece the puzzles together, I think its a good way to digest and reflect.
For me anyway, I don't think there's an option to try and just be happy about recovery with not understanding there will be moments I'll be sad, and to figure out what specifically those things are , will help me overcome them and find happier ways to reflect on it.
It's part of the healing process and journey, and it allowed me to figure out what are meaningful to me and what occupiees my mind when im feeling down.
Next will come some happier reflections, when I find some time!
Cool - I understand your rationale completely now explained... I may try it myself sometime! Nice one ;o)
Still looking forward to reading about your happier times :o)
JuneBug81 wrote: It's part of the healing process and journey, and it allowed me to figure out what are meaningful to me and what occupiees my mind when im feeling down.
Do me a favour then, when you make that happy list don't just make it - really look in detail at the component parts of why they make you happy. Really value each one by identifying its roots and stems.
Because as you have highlighted, this is also all part of the healing process ;o)
Look after yourself. Keep in touch!
I like both Signalman, your's and Tomso's reaction to the list of sad thoughts.
Both are correct.
Signalman is saying don't dwell on it, move on! Tomso is reflective on the subject.
For me, I think men in general have a very hard time to open up emotionally as society tells them daily to not be weak and move on from emotional subjects.
They are not allowed time to grieve, to reflect and to unfold and calm the emotional storm brewing inside.
I believe this causes many unwanted manifestations ranging from sadness, anger all the way to addiction, depression and running far from reality.
Therefore June bug, allow yourself to ramble, rant, reminesce, recount - whatever R you wish to 'rite' 🙂
There is a need to dig deep inside and clear out every cobweb.
Soon after it's like Signalman says - c'mon - draw a line. Been there, done that - got the T shirt!!
Next is the time to understand the small things in life produce the greatest happiness.
Life is finite - money can't be taken with us. Enjoy the beauty of the smile, the touch, the good deed - these are worth their weight in gold.
No amount of material goods will give the happiness their is in the free things of Life!
So today I'm celebrating ten days, indeed, as promised I took myself out to coffee at a coffee shop that I walk past everyday but never entered. Very expensive haha no wonder I never went in. Anyhow i enjoyed a sandwich, coffee and cookie.
I have been busy at work and home, which is a great thing so I have not had chance to dwell on the past, and I have been happier lately. I haven't logged in to the forum lately, but that's also a risk, I should keep checking in, even in better days.
I still have to write out what makes me happy in relation to my current predicament but will leave it for another post. For now, I dash home as chores to do, and I'll quietly enjoy day 10 to myself (and you all)
So today I'm celebrating ten days, indeed, as promised I took myself out to coffee at a coffee shop that I walk past everyday but never entered. Very expensive haha no wonder I never went in. Anyhow i enjoyed a sandwich, coffee and cookie.
I have been busy at work and home, which is a great thing so I have not had chance to dwell on the past, and I have been happier lately. I haven't logged in to the forum lately, but that's also a risk, I should keep checking in, even in better days.
I still have to write out what makes me happy in relation to my current predicament but will leave it for another post. For now, I dash home as chores to do, and I'll quietly enjoy day 10 to myself (and you all)
Yo, high five !!! What’s the next milestone ?
Well done .......... Shiny:-)
Indeed! I had forgotten the 10th Day Celebration!
Congratulations!
Here's a positive - the coffee shop was too expensive to enjoy - hehe
Wonder how many coffees could actually have been enjoyed with the lost money.
So here's to more money in the pocket!!
Yes please - next milestone needs setting and then reaching!
Fortyrulesoflove wrote: For me, I think men in general have a very hard time to open up emotionally as society tells them daily to not be weak and move on from emotional subjects.
They are not allowed time to grieve, to reflect and to unfold and calm the emotional storm brewing inside.
I believe this causes many unwanted manifestations ranging from sadness, anger all the way to addiction, depression and running far from reality.
Therefore June bug, allow yourself to ramble, rant, reminesce, recount - whatever R you wish to 'rite' 🙂
Great insight. Real eye-opener for me. Thank you ;o)
Congrats on 10 days!! Smashing work! The early days are so tough so be proud!
Where's that happiness list then? Would be a nice way to mark the occasion? ;o)
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