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Hey all, just checking in, things going well darn a gambling Libby of view, bexoming more distant, into that phase of "was that really me? What a crazy thing to do, why do such a thing? ", almost like an emotional disconnect.

I have been very run down, and tired at work, mouth ulcer and physically smashed, a little flu like. With a 3 month old and wife's birthday tomorrow, and a work function on Sunday, no clear rest in sight.

I do still loan to write my happy list, soon as I'm feeling better.

My next internal celebration will be 20 days, which I calculate Saturday 9th March. I haven't figured out what will be my treat for that day. For now, just gotta feel a bit better physically, exhausted.

Always a difficult time of the month, at the beginning, to open up online banking accounts, make sure mortgage has gone through and the relevant minimum payments. Kind of don't want to look at it this month, but will log in quickly and do the needful. So many CC accounts, it's a bit crazy. My mom kindly paid off one card, about 15% of my overall debt. I need to close that card now, so it's on the to do list to call them. It's hectic to find the time on own to get it all done, but hope to do it very soon. Will update the diary once I'm sorted for this month's financial admins....

Hi junebug. I know the feeling, really messed up in February and had to pool funds from everywhere to get my mortgage paid. Never want to be in that situation again. Luckily I’ve managed to sort it myself but was so close to not being able to. I managed to transfer so debt to another card that I don’t have access to, and reduced my credit limit so I can’t redeposit now. I think is the only way to doubly make sure you don’t do it again.

I hope you get it all sorted, update when you can!

A

Hey all, sorted out the finances for the month. Still have to call one credit card company to close an account, it's my only financial chore for now. That I'll do tomorrow hopefully.

The devils voice in me tried a few random thoughts of gambling winnings at some points randomly during the past 48 hours, easily dismisses but just something to type out here and release them.

Also had a bay moment when I had arranged to hire a car for the weekend, but for one reason, the car rental refused to give it (for licence related issues, nothing else)... So I ended up having to get from another company, ending up being a hundred pounds more. A little hit, but it didn't upset me too much, was just happy to get a car, and I know financially these little inevitable surprises will happen and I'm on the road to recovery.

Otherwise all good... Still a busy day ahead, so will check in later.

Thanks Alwych, glad you got February sorted. Hope March administration is under control too!

Good to know everything is still on track. A bit scary that the devil still interferes with thoughts. You need to get yourself so strong that nothing and nothing can shift your resolve to stay on the straight path.
If the devil persists then need to start introducing other measures. One thing which is important in finding the 100% cure is to look at physical problems such as healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, exercise and check thyroid functions.
When all that is correct then concentrate on the art of happiness. Happiness is not wanting more but to enjoy what you have.
If all that still doesn't work then counselling and chemical I'm balance treatments.
The worry is that as relapse happens despite best measures there is a constant need to stay on top of this game.
Can't put your feet up on this young man - it's onwards and forwards!

Almwch - sorry to hear of your problem too! I hope your recovery is complete never to return.
Could I just ask you a question?
You say you sorted your own finances out - has this happened to you before or was this your first and only time?
How can you be sure there will be no relapse?
What are you doing in your understanding of what went wrong, why it went wrong and why it won't happen again?

June bug - please continue your happy thoughts and also your worry thoughts, your inadequacy thoughts etc

Forty Rules of Love:

Rule 10

The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise, for a new self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as clay needs to go through intense heat to become strong, Love can only be perfected in pain.

Fortyrulesoflove wrote: Almwch - sorry to hear of your problem too! I hope your recovery is complete never to return. Could I just ask you a question? You say you sorted your own finances out - has this happened to you before or was this your first and only time? How can you be sure there will be no relapse? What are you doing in your understanding of what went wrong, why it went wrong and why it won't happen again?

Hi Fourtyrulesoflove,

Yes unfortunately it did happen before about 15 years ago. I managed to get myself into £30,000 worth of debt playing roulette. My problem has always been to win and then think that I can keep on making money so I play and lose, and then start depositing more and more money until I’m in a really bad situation. I kind of counselled myself out of it last time.

This time the losses were a lot less but under a much shorter period, but I recognised the signs and immediately restricted depositing so that I could simply not deposit back in to chase any losses. I’ve managed to transfer my main credit card balance to another card that I don’t use that’s interest free, and when I get paid, I’m reducing the credit limit so I don’t have the means to deposit any money. That’s when I signed up here. Talking to people who have the same issues, same demons, really helps. And it puts into perspective everything from where the problems start, to how it can escalate, and to the realisation that this is serious and you can lose everything.

So far, so good, I’m hoping that this is a demon I can fight off for good

It's been a busy few days, work and home life, which is great, no concerns at all. It's been a happy and tiring few days.. So what makes me happy (in relation to gambling, not everything in life of course..)

What makes me happy is seeing my baby boy, 3 months old, smile up at me. I talk to him, and when I whisper I will always look after him, I get a little teary - im going to be his hero, not his villain. I won't ever let him down with this.

What makes me happy is having support of my mom, knowing I have been blessed with a chance to get out of this, I'm luckier than many on here, I'm happy to have a crutch to walk on.

What makes me happy is seeing my wife look after our little guy, sweetly talking to him, and I feel happy I'm going to be there for them for always now.

What makes me happy is not thinking about my finances, letting things be, knowing working hard and keeping life fulfilled, the money will figure itself out.

What makes me happy is being able to watch my favourite sports on tv, cricket, football, tennis, and just enjoy the sports that I have followed all my life with no concerns.

What makes me happy is being out of the grasps of a meltdown, a relapse that consumes you. Looking from the outside, the world is a better place.

Thanks all for the comments, day 20 next Sunday I think? I'm losing count already!

Alright mate. Just wanted to say thanks for visiting my diary and congratulations on your decision to stop gambling and create a better future for your family.

You're right about the financial debt. Let's not give it too much thought and focus, otherwise it can be daunting. Instead we live each day with the calmness and knowledge that we are doing the right thing. As you rightly say, things will work out.

I'm in a better place, no idea how many days gf, probably two weeks or so. Had a few nice days, being sociable, doing other projects, keeping my mind busy.

I'm back to that stage where mentally I am distant from those relapses... "was that really me? Doesn't sound like something I would do? What was I thinking? That's crazy:"...

It's definitely a sureeal feeling, like being trapped in a bubble of debt but no real emotional link to it.

Anyhow, that's the acute phase over, we are now into the marathon phase... The paying of debt on the long horizon, whilst trying to lead and live and love as productive as life as possible..

It's times like this is disengage from gamcare, but I need to stay focussed, so I'll still wrote regularly, at least once a week but hopefully more.

Remaining GF, it's not something I think about now, at least for the past few days to week, it's just a past blip, and the focus is to now prevent relapse and pay off money owed to get back to a stable position. Easier said than done but at least the mission is clear.

Beyond that I have been feeling very low lately, a collection of reasons but now looking back on my entire teenage and adult years, I have been probably suffering from a moderate depression throughout my life. It seems clearer now that I look back objectively, and it must be intertwined with my successes (for which there are many) and failures in life (for which the main one has been this gambling episodes)