start of a long road

Hi cat

Hope this gets to you. Had a bad week-end lost another 1200. i have realised i am not a sensible

gambler you will know what i mean..

i have to-day phoned the bank and cancelled my card so i cannot deposit money on the site i am addicted to. knowing

i cannot deposit money is such a relief, i had no willpower could not even bank when i won 195. 160.130. how stupid is that and that was this morning. i cannot install gamblok as my partner would then know. No i can't tell him old fashioned, does not like debt of any kind even credit cards.

i am feeling really bad i am glad i cannot deposit i know if i could i would be on loseing more i am feeling really bad because of what i have done in only less than 3 months. thank-you for your support and good luck to you thinkng of you xx

I have been reading your diaries you should be so proud of yourself be strong don't let the ******** get to you.

xx

Helen thanks for your support it is helping me.I know you are feeling bad but try to look forward not back we can all live regretting the things we have done but we have to move on.

If you get the courage to tell your partner i would do but i found it hard to tell my nearest and dearest as i thaught they would be disappointed/disgusted with what i have done but they have been really supportive of me.

Take care and cancelling your card was a positive and brave move well done.

hey cat..

reading thru your diary...you mentioned your hesitancy to install gamblock, and your reason why...well, i would hate to discourage anyone from installing the program because, well because it has helped so many people..but i wanted to say this

i have never excluded myself from the casinos...not so much because it's 'closing a chapter' but... i do not want to think about forever.

this is a mind game...so..I know that I *can* gamble anytime I choose to. I just choose not to.

Maybe I will gamble next month, next year, all I know is I will not gamble today...and that's all I really care about.

I am not sure if this is coming out right..I am tired and probably not making much sense...

I think I posted on this a while bacK?

There is a local bar that has a sign that says

'FREE BEER TOMORROW'

there is never free beer because it is always ToDAY..

but that's just me.

one thing i would add though...if *I* decide to gamble...I have a lot of chances to change my mind before I get there...I have to drive all the way to the casino, turn right, turn left, then park the car...is a 30 minute process..minimum...hopefully i would regain my senses before i actually entered....if, however, my 'drug' was available right here on my pc...hmmmm..that might be just too 'convenient' to *NOT* roadblock.

just my thoughts.

Hi Cat,

How are you doing,i'm doing okay to-day better than yesterday so hopefully every day will be easier

hope you are feeling a bit better

just wanted to say hello.

TC Helen

I too am feeling better two days in a row now so feel great at the moment.

I wish i could feel like this more often but i'm sure in time i will.

What i am finding though is the fact that when i'm feeling good my problem doesn't seem to be as bad as what it is which is quite worrying as i might find myself slipping into bad habits (hope i dont).

I am struggling with keeping my concentration at work though but my boss knows i have some issues i need to deal with (not gone into detail though) and they have been good about it.

Helen/Peg - Thanks for your words of support/help it is all aiding me in my rehabilitation hope you are both well.

Quick note for myself 21/3/07 since i last played online.

Went to the doctors today and he has referred me to see a clinical psycologist who specilises in this sort of problem.

Still waiting to go to my first GA meeting as well because of work commitments i wont be able to make one for about 3 weeks.

I am so pleased that i admitted to myself i have a problem as i feel i have a new starting point in life. I feel quite upbeat about it all at the moment

A life without gambling is gonna be hard with lots of ups and and downs i know but at least i WILL have a life unlike before.I am so afraid of having a slip up but understand that this may happen and if it does i will have to stay positive and as i have already made the biggest step (admitting i have a problem) i'm sure i will be ready to cope with it.

Stay positive everyone we can do this !

Well after being at work this week i am feeling a bit odd at the minute.

I thought when i was at work i would feel better and it would take my mind off things but it is exactly the opposite.I cant really concentrate and cant reaaly be bothered with it and only really feel a bit better when i am at home.

Maybe i feel a bit more secure when i am at home i'm not sure but as i live on my own its not as if i have anything to look forward to coming home to.

four days till i get paid now and the first time i will have money since i admitted to having a problem.A bit daunting and is probably going to be a test for me one of many tests that i will have in the future no doubt.

hi mate i live alone but we got take one day at the time each will get better for you

have got anybody or a trusted friend or can help you with your money to hold on too if you are not happy having money in your porket with me my sister looks after my money fo me only gives me what i want not gamble for now over two years and six months, this is better for me not to have money on me all the time ok mate have a nice weekend see you soon

from a friend in here stephen

Hi cat

hope you're ok? have you any plans for the weekend, assuming you'll be off tomorrow?

about the money thing, i give my mum any large amounts of money i have. i dont have my bank cards either. i know its hard when you dont live with anyone but when i move out i'm going to carry on with this because i think the temptation will be more, being alone, no one to keep an eye.

just a thought, happy easter!

claire xx

Well bank holiday out of the wasn't looking forward to it as i had no money but my friends decided to take me to the pub on sunday and monday and pour copious amounts of alcohol down me so feeling a fragile at the minute (all self inflicted i know) and it is pay day tomorrow so giving my bank card to a friend.

Think tomorrow will be my biggest test as it is the first pay day since i stopped gambling.So heres hoping.

(((((((cat))))))))

giving bank card to a friend...good for you...i haven't fared very well on my 'tests' with regards to not gambling...I am much better off when I make bold moves (to stop myself) when i am feeling vulnerable.

sounds like you have good friends that care about you 🙂

stay strong tomorrow...have a plan!!!

peg

xoxox

thanks for the support peg it all helps.

I am at work tomorrow so cannot gamble for that time it will probably be quite a test in the evening though.

This is the longest i havn't played poker for 18 months and to be truthful i do miss it but what i wont miss are the problems it has caused me.

Feel quite upbeat about giving my cash card to my friend strange really but as long as i stay positive and strong i can get through tomorrow and the day after and so on.

Hi cat

good for you on the bank card. its hard handing control over and telling people why you are doing so brave move 🙂

sounds to me like you deserved a good day/night out. i love going socialising with my friends. i too have good friends - we all help each other out when any of us are skint, treat each other.

i'm hoping in the next few months between not gambling, clearing my gambling debts and hopefully gaining full time employment my finances are going to take a dramatic turn for the better 🙂

sounds to me like you and i have alot in common cat - and we're both doing great - living life again!!!

take care, claire xx

Well pay day here today payed my mortgage (first time in 2 months) payed my secured loan (missed last months payment)and have given my cash card to a mate.

Might get myself to the local pub for quiz night tonight to get me out of the house and to not think about playing poker.

Heres to the first day of my new life gonna take it one day at a time got my appointment to see psycologist thru today so hopefully he can help me thru this a bit.

Well here i am third day after being paid and not played poker a good sign so far.

Just been shopping (for food) and it is the first time in weeks i have paid for it with my own money (another achievement).

Every year i have a bet on he national and although betting on horse races is not my vice i am not going to have a bet tomorrow as at the moment i am abstaining totally from gambling (safer doing so i think) shame really cos normally win (got 1st and 2nd last year) but will pick a horse to cheer on and still watch it.

I still have money in my bank account its amazing just been given my "spend" for the week by my mate who is looking after my finances and have money in my pocket (only a small amount though).

Still not gambled (a real achievemant) feel good about myself at the minute heres looking to the future with more gamble free days.