Starting again after relapse

I know how you feel K7N. I was where you are now just three months ago, fully considering ending my own life. I was on the verge of failing my degree and ruining my future, but in just 98 days my life transformed. I found seeing a counsellor twice a week really helped. Just having someone outside of my family circle to sit and bear my soul to seemed to work wonders, maybe look into it?

Life improves so rapidly when you stop the gambling. Financially I'm in a bad state, but I spoke to my creditors and got payment plans, so I only pay what I can afford. I've even managed to put money aside for a holiday now! In just three months I'm sure your life will be so much happier, but you gotta stop gambling. Other than counselling I don't really know what made me stop. Something just changed in my head and the thought of gambling gave me feelings of dread. I also sold my phone and used an old brick for 3 months, I think that really helped, as I used to gamble in the toilets at work and uni and having the smart phone makes it so easy to act on your impulses.

Hang in there bud, life will improve! I wish you all the strength in the world!

Hi K7N

I've been on this forum since last September and while I can relate to all the of them but every now and again you see an identical story to my journey but that doesn't mean they will continue to follow the same path.

I had my warnings but didn't heed them, I was meant to get married but blew the money thinking we need more money to make the day more special, I turned up at my mum and dads with my black bin bags and they have helped my through this. I started going to GA and it was the best gamble I ever took. I don't live In the house but still pay the mortgage I have handed over my finances. I gambled on sports any sports from badminton to volleyball and all in between. Held om to my job I was always gambling while in work. I had the suicidal thought but no more than that.

I have taken it one day at a time and I'm now 10 months gamble free. I did that by putting every block I could find in place, starting my diary and reading others on here, joining the chat on here, as I said before started going to GA, I've not missed a meeting. I've been open and honest and admit I'm a compulsive gambler and just can't stop.

I've not got the girl back but you might do this for you and if she sees what she like you might sort it out.

As I look back now I wasn't that happy but it took me 6 months to realise that.

I always suggested you read other diaries on here they are full of advice and inspiration. I don't like asking people to read my diary but you should I think if might help you.

Stay close you your diary keep posting it helps to get it out. JFT you won't gamble.

KTF

Thank you Lego1993, it all seems so raw early on and almost as though there isn't a light at the end so it's good to hear that things do improve as time goes on. I'm trying everything to be positive, and thankfully I haven't had any gambling thoughts, usually I'd have turned straight to gambling. I'm being referred for counselling and think that will help significantly, I'd always avoided this but I am trying to accept any help I can at the moment.

Thanks Oldhamktf, I did actually read some of your story prior to your comment and it was like a mirror-image. I'll read through more when I have the time as it is helping me to hear other stories, especially ones that do closely relate. Achieved a month and I don't intend on missing any meetings if I can help it, a couple of hours a week is a small price to pay if it keeps me away from destroying myself.

I returned to work last week after 3 weeks off, back in work this week but work have agreed to reduced days which is good. Lack of concentration at the moment is my battle, not for the thoughts of gambling but the difficulty of losing the relationship.

Feel frustrated with some people's reaction to the addiction, but I know I need to focus on those that are offering positive support and not on those that are being critical and don't really understand it. My ex partner's brother wrote a 'cryptic' status on Facebook last night about 2 sides to every story, I have now permanently deactivated Facebook and have a new profile with only those that I want in my life right now.

1DAAT.

Hi K7N. I can relate to your story as I was due to get married next year also. The relationship fell apart due to various different reasons but I accept my gambling played it's part.

A guy shared at GA the other night that as compulsive gamblers we want everything now. The next bet, more money, happiness, fixed relationships etc. That's the illness. We have the rest of our lives though! Don't try to fix all life's problems at once. As long as we continue to try and improve ourselves everyday then we're headed in the right direction.

Good idea with the new profile on FB. I get annoyed by some of the rubbish I see on my news feed also. Don't hide from it though, face your fears head on (if you feel strong enough at the minute) as it's often not as bad as we make it out to be in our own head.

As for your relationship with your ex only you know if there's hope for the future or not. Best bit of advice I can give you is to show you've changed through your actions and don't base your recovery on whether you get back together or not.

All the best

Thanks Sam, your comments are exactly what I would say to someone else, and you are spot on. I didn't realise until you mentioned about wanting things right now, how much that relates to me, something for me to work on. I keep jumping ahead to months in advance and need to keep to the here and now.

My focus has to be my recovery and I know that has to be based on me not the relationship. On reflection I think my thoughts have been too directed towards my ex and the hurt I've caused her. Whilst I know accepting that is part of recovery, I think I need to get myself to focus on me and continuing to get better.

It really does help to have support and comments from others, brings me back on track and focused.

Start of the football season, have avoided any newspapers and websites so far, this will be a test to see how I feel. Hoping at some point I can watch football for the enjoyment rather than thinking of betting

Watched the Olympic tennis yesterday, first big test and didn't have any gambling thoughts. Now to see how the premier league football goes at the weekend.

Had forgotten an online account I had until my mom read out the name, immediately self excluded. Wish there was a blanket way of self excluding from all, know there's gamblock.

Saw my ex driving last night, awkward moment. Did text her later to see how she was, but now I'm frustrated at myself for doing it. She walked away at my lowest so why do I owe her my care? I've supported through her various illnesses and didn't once think of leaving even though it was a strain on me. Need to realise that the relationship wasn't as strong as I thought it was.

Keeping focused on my recovery and doing well, I will do this and continue to battle

Hope things are looking up mate!

Sending you a bucketful of strength. Look after yourself, believe in yourself, stay strong.

How are things going?

10 weeks today since my last bet and my relapse came out. Doing well, had 4 sessions of counselling with gamcare which has helped far more than I expected. Feel I am getting to grips with some of the reasons which lead to me gambling, and also reflecting on areas of my relationship which had played a part. Watching sport without the urge to bet and can feel my confidence has increased significantly. Not feeling the same guilt as I had previously towards my ex partner which is helping me to move forward and focus on myself. Didn't realise how much better I could feel when I wasn't gambling. In the best place mentally I've been in a long time

11 weeks and my guilt has reduced. Focused on myself and feeling good. Can feel my confidence returning and feeling happier in myself. No gambling thoughts and continuing my weekly GA meeting. Feeling positive.