I am 28 and my problem is on slots. My story will be long and I didn't start it when I joined the site but feel like I need to start it now 08/11/13; I have gambled for about 13 years. It all started way back when I was younger when I was about 13 years old. My mum and dad got divorced when I was about 12, I still had regular contact with my dad, he was never a gambler and always saved every penny he had, although if I ever wanted anything I got it, he spoilt me quite abit, and still does.
My mum was never a motherly mum and I remember going into the arcades with her when I was about 13. She use to give me money to play on the 10p XOX machines, I'm pretty sure she had a gambling problem and my grandad has always been a big gambler on slots, horses and playing cards. I can never remember days out or doing things with my mum, maybe I seen these times in the arcade as 'us' time. Winning use to make her happy although I seen she lost most of the time, we would spend hours in there. When I was about 15 I started to go into the arcades myself, I was working at weekends at the time and through holidays at school. I would spend my money in the arcardes in different slot machines. This carried on for a few years, when I was 17 I started playing on 25p a spin slot machines spending my benefits and my part time job money gambling, at the time I was living with a boyfriend. When I turned 18 I first went to the local casino with my mum and grandad and played on the slots, I won, I thought it was great and started spending my time in the casino rather than in the arcades.
I would go to the casino with my then boyfriend who would just stand and watch me playing on the machines, I would leave some money in the house but when the money I had on me was spent and I thought as always the machine was due a win I would send my boyfriend walking back to the house to get me the money I had left in the house (it must have took him about half an hour to get there and back) but he done this whilst I guarded the machine and he would do that regular (bless him it makes me sad when I think I done that) and I would then spend all of that money also. We were never left with any money and he started to steal some food from his place of work and money from the till. All my friends use to go out drinking on a weekend and every weekend I never had any money so I use to borrow of them every week and pay it back when I could, gambling was always number 1 priority on my list. When I left college I got a full time job in a bank. I would spend my lunchtimes in the arcades in town and some evenings in the casino with my boyfriend. We would sometimes be there until 4am. He never had much money and I was always gambling away the money I had although I can never remember him moaning.
I moved to a different town when I was 18, couldn't get work and was on benefits again. The gambling didn't stop, wherever you go there are gambling arcades/casinos. I carried on on the slot machines spending all of my benefit cheques. I am a smoker also. I remember being that skint one day I had to chose whether to buy a packet of cigarettes or food, I use to save up all of my cigerette buts incase I ran out, it makes me feel sick now. The gambling always continued. I porned in my jewelery when I moved to the new town one day and got some money, and gambled it. I also wrote out cheques knowing I had no money in my account. When my dad came to visit he asked where my jewelery was and I told him I had porned it in, didn't metion I had been gambling and he porned it back out for me. Every time I had money all I wanted to do was gamble.
My relationship ended with this partner over one thing and another, it wasn't gambling believe it or not! When I was 20 I moved back to my home town. Here I found myself on benefits still, and I started partying alot, I would be drinking and at parties for about 3 nights in a row, no sleep and would sleep most of the week. I was staying with my dad at the time. I don't remember gambling alot at this time, maybe I had found something else, drinking & partying and socialising. When I think back these times were some of the best I have had, the people I met the nights we had, maybe I didn't need gambling when I was happy?!
Carried on (13/11/13) When I was about 22 I gave my head a wobble one day and thought I need to stop this partying and sort my life out, get a career and a future. I started a computer course and after this gained full time employment. The job I had was in town, I would get paid once a month now. I was spending most of my lunch hours in the arcade and casino at night times. I moved into a flat with a friend, my dad was always giving me money as I was constantly skint. I first got an overdraft and this was spent on gambling also. I also remember periods thoughout this time when I was partying and the gambling stopped. I met another boyfriend and moved into a flat of my own, which was away from town and made it more difficult to go to the casino. I have a rubbish memory but I don't remember gambling much at the start of our relationship, things were good, he inherited some money and paid for us to go on 3 holidays, I had to save for spending money and I don't remember having any difficulty doing this. I am struggling to remember my gambling at this time, I don't know if I have put up a mental blocker or if I just can't remember but I know when I have spoke to this ex partner since splitting up he was aware of my gambling problem and said he was sick of it at the time. I may have to return to this period in my life. When I was 24 my relationshiop with this chap ended and around the same time I got a new secure exciting job and also got offered a house for which I had to get a mortgage granted for. I was so worried, I had been gambling a lot in the past few months and I didn't think there was anyway that a bank was ever going to give me a mortgage. They said I had to save £600 for 6 months and they would consider it, this was to show I could afford the outgoings. I remember even during this period I gambled I could have messed up my opportunity of getting a mortgage but for some reason in my head I didn't think about that I just wanted to gamble. I did eventually get the mortgage, by the skin of my teeth and with support from my dad.
When I was 23 I arranged to go to Ibiza with my friends, I put down the deposit and was gambling and didn't have a lot of money, my dad had to pay for my holiday. I always seem to have been bailed out and helped by my dad and I don't think this has helped me to stop gambling. At this point my family were still not aware of my gambling problem and I hadn't admitted to myself that I needed help and that I had a problem.
Continued; 23/11/13. I came back from Ibiza with swine flu, was in bed for 2 weeks, I remember I did not gamble at this time. A month later I met my partner. I didn't gamble at the start of our relationship, as far as I can remember. He moved in with me after a month, he wasn't working. I had to keep both of us. After a short time I started gambling again. He made me feel like cr** when I wouldn't buy him weed although I paid all the bills, bought him tobacco and done as much as I could, it just didn't seem good enough. He went to prison for a period of 3 months, I waited for him. About a year into our relationship I remember my gambling being pretty bad. I phoned up a help line, for the first time I realized I had a problem. The service was still being set up in my area and I had to wait about 4 months until I got an appointment with a counselor. I don't know what it was but my gambling escalated in this time, maybe because I had admitted I had a problem and I knew I was going to try and stop I was clinging on to it whilst I could. My partner went to prison for another 6 months and I waited for him again. During this time he got some inheritance, it went into my bank account though. I gambled some of it. I felt awful for doing that, it wasn't my money, what gave me the right to do that! Before he got out of prison I had an appointment with a counselor, I banned myself from the local casino and stopped gambling for about 4 months. It hadn't been a problem, although again I was partying quite abit. When he got out of prison we were in the pub one night and he put out about £40 in pound coins and said I could play it on the fruit machine. I refused and said no thanks I don't gamble anymore. Thinking back to this I can not understand why he done this, I need support not this! After a few months I was gambling again, this time I was going online casino sites, I was gambling more regularly than I was before. One night my partner and I were having a drink with my dad, he spilled out to my dad that I was in debt due to gambling. I was heart broken, I had to tell my dad about my problem, I was in tears and hurting so much as i knew how much it would hurt him. At the time I was in approximately £5000 debt my dad said it must be putting strain on me and wanted to bail me out on the basis that he took my laptop until I felt I had my gambling under control and I was still barred from the local casino. I wrote myself a note to remind myself of the feelings I had felt when my dad bailed me out and had sad it made me. I went for about 2 months without gambling then my dad gave me my laptop back. At this time I went to counselling for over a year and a half and never managed to go for more than 2 weeks without gambling. I got sick and tired of going round in circles, wasting my time and the counselors, I said I was going to have a break. I had given up on myself.
Over the next 6 months I gambled a lot, after everything my dad had done I got another loan and a credit card and ended up in about £6000 debt, I was no longer barred from the local casino so was going there and gambling online. My grandad has cancer and a couple of months ago he told me that he wanted to give me some inheritance so that if anything happens to him it doesn't have to be sorted out after he has gone. Knowing I was getting this money I gambled more. I did not want to get this money though and spend his life savings gambling. I contacted my counselor again and went back to see her. My grandad gave me the inheritance and I paid of some of my debt, done some shopping and gambled some of the money and got in more debt. I am sick at myself for doing this. I am not a bad person but this horrible addiction makes you do things that are sickening! I got this money in sept 2013, I sickened myself as I said. Being back at counseling has helped, i have banned myself from the local casino for 2 years, and put K9 blockers on my laptop. This coming Monday I am coming up to 4 weeks of not gambling and still feel somewhere deep inside I would like to gamble. I have to stay strong and beat these urges. This thing has had a hold on me for far too long, I've caused alot of pain to myself and other people in my life due to gambling now it's time to make that up, pay of my debt and start to enjoy my life the way it should be enjoyed, life is far too short to be battling constantly, I have to do this. This diary post is just some of the important parts linked to gambling in my life, getting this down i am hoping I can make some sort of sense out of everything eventually.
Keep your pay beat this disease and be happy
Thanks Hacker 🙂 treated myself to some new clothes today...thinking about Christmas don't want to be left pennyless like all other years.
u are where u are because of who you were, but where you go depends on entirely who you choose to be.
You'll never acomplish anything if you don't believe you can do it.
Happiness is a journey not a destination.
Time is more valuable than money, you can get more money but you can never get more time.
The only thing people hate more than loosing money is the person that lost it for them.
Keep focusing on christmas for now,i know the feeling of being skint,recieving gifts from loved ones and the deep feeling of guilt because you chose to feed the FOBT or put the last of your cash on a nag that trails in last in stead of getting my mum or girlfriend a christmas present,still the shame and guilt wasnt enough to give it up but like you im in the very early stages of quiting for good,keep it mate and lets all support each other we can do it..
Jillfe,
Hopefully you've been able to resist the temptation to gamble today, despite it being pay day. As Harry says, focus on Xmas and try saving up. Don't flush your money down the drain by gambling. The money you've been paid is money you worked hard for. Don't give it all away to some mega rich gambling firm. Keep it for yourself and the people close to you.
I'm so frustrated and angry with myself, managed to get to 13 days and then 2 days after pay day I slip. Yesterday I woke up thinking about gambling, made it to about 1pm and started gambling didn't stop until 11pm and i have spent well over £1000, haven't left enough money in my bank to pay for the bills....WHAT AM I DOING. Don't know how I am going to get through the bank, I have requested my overdraft to be put up which I don't think they will do as I owe them for a loan, my credit card is at the limit and I've gone and messed it all up again. Got to wait another 4 weeks until I get paid, why why why do I put myself through this pain. Not long till Christmas and all I can think about is am I even going to have enough money to get presents. I have got to do something drastic to stop this time, I can not and will not keep going round in this vicious circle for the rest of my life....now sitting in work thinking I've just worked the last month to give it all away to some devil online site in a day....you idiot!!!
I have been where you are so many times Jillfe, you live for Payday (with good intentions) and then pretty much as soon as it arrives you screw up and put yourself through turmoil and under immediate pressure. You're then wishing your life away for the next 4 weeks! In my case because of my monumental loss on Oct 10th i'm now thinking towards January Payday, how depressing is that?! I just want to fast forward past Christmas.
My advice to you would be to give up control of your finances for the time being, hand your cards over and if you play online just get necessary blocking software. Of course you have heard all of this before i'm sure, but I believe it really does help as it takes the choice away from you and therefore a certain amount of pressure. I haven't lost anyway money for 18 days now. If there is anyway you can borrow money I would do that instead, extending your overdraft is not the answer believe me. I'm currently in the process of reducing mine each month now, my limit previously was £4100 which let's be honest nobody really needs.
I would say this unneeded overdraft has been a major catalyst for my 60k losses in the last 3 years as it is just too easy to keep going into once you start trying to recover losses. God knows how many times I have cleared it only to go and then blow the lot, it's sickening.
Good luck sorting yourself, the physical pain off the losses will lessen a bit in a few days just take action now though and don't make any more mistakes... You can come back from this. I start my Gamcare counselling sessions today, maybe you should consider doing the same.
Hi Fallentree, thank you for your post, I'm thinking about getting the blocking software, I just don't have the money for it now. I have barred myself from the local casino which is where I use to gamble but then turned to online to fill the void. I have been seeing a gamcare counsellor for 2 years with about 8 months when I had a rest because I was getting so frustrated of failing and starting again. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel of a gamble free life. I haven't got the blocking software to date because i have had the thought it my head that I would like to leave options open so that I will still get urges but beat them, I felt if I got the software that I have no choice to gamble therefore not dealing with the underlying problem but you know what I don't care anymore if that is going to be the only way I may have a little sucess in beating this thing then I think I will have to do it when I can get some funds. I am thinking about just asking the bank to cancel all of my cards and only giving me a card which I can use to withdraw cash, not use online or in shops also as this should prevent access. I just can't understand why something can be so difficult to stop. I guess after 13 years of it being there it is a learnt behaviour a relationship kind of, well I'm calling it off 🙂 god I'm so drained today, thoughts of a struggling few months going through my head...in the past I have usually been bailed out, maybe that's not helped me either. If I can beat this disease I am a winner, no amount of winning money will ever be greater than that.x
Spent £50 last night gambling when my partner was out, had to lie to him, he doesn't know how much I spent the other night and have no money left, feel awful lying when i hate liars, don't like the person gambling has made me. Well i put K9 block on my computer got my partner to put in the password and used my work email address which I can't access from home so I can't just turn it on and off when I like. Feeling more positive today, got the block just in time as the bank has upped my overdraft for me so should have enough funds to get me through until the end of the month, all the bills have been paid so I'm in abit of debt but on the plus side I can start at looking to get out of the debt in the future now that I can't gamble....thought to self, why didn't you block years ago instead of getting yourself in such a pickle. Feel like I have now got control rather than gambling having control over me. Have a nice day people 🙂
Sitting laughing at you gambling sites and casino knowing I am blocked and you are not going to get anymore of my well earned money you cheeky robbing beggers! If only it would put a dint in your profits but not unless the rest of the population do the same, oh well my money is better in my life than handed to you rich horrors 🙂
Well that's day 1 over and done with, start of day 2. Felt a little irratable last night and this morning and could have slept forever but that's just life. Starting to think about Christmas and how I might have some money this year 🙂 roll on pay day.
Day 3, no thoughts of gambling yesterday, played netball last night and done my ankel in....bit worried that it means I won't be able to play on Sunday therefore giving me urges...need to get a plan in place. Feeling good though and positive about being an ex gambler 🙂
Hi Jilfe, thought I would offer you some support in return for the thread you posted on my post, so how is your ankle today is it up to the game on Sunday, you sound reasonably active playing netball and that, maybe thats a way to go more sport to fill in the void that will occur because you are not gambling anymore ? Every day I think about my huge losses, but I have now re-alised they are never coming back, for me that is the depressional aspect of the gambling that is hurting me. I aim to write a journal/story of my gambling since 2009 and present this to certain public figures to see if it can change this country's attitude to gambling, i see Ireland have rejected the call for FOTB'S in bookies shops - well done the Irish. If and when I write my story I aim to also present it to the three members of my family who gave me so much support earlier this year when I needed it, I promised then I would not let them down but I have, but they don't know at this point how much and how badly: So when I have been 'clean' for six months (next April) I will be open, for one I want to tell them to purge myself, and secondly my partner has the right to see my financial affairs transparently before we live together in the future. Bit of a rant hey ........... but better than Gambling ! Have a good week-end dont give in to any desires with the gambling .......... Post on Monday next ......... Happy week-end to you. ....... Rideyobike
Hi Rideyobike, thank you for your message and support 🙂 didn't get to play yesterday but I did go along to support the team. Yes I hope to join the gym and get into being active, throw my energy elsewhere rather than throw my money at a machine! 1 week today of no gambling 🙂 really happy with myself I'm feeling so much more positive this time and I know I can do this aslong as I put my mind to it...I hate failing at things, that's maybe why as a gambler I got so addicted as I always felt like the machines had won so I kept going trying to beat them, but well all know there is only ever 1 winner 🙂
I haven't wrote my full story in my diary, I started it quick to try and help with my recovery so this is something I may start in the near future, get it all down on here.
Had an urge to gamble on Sunday but it soon went away, didn't realise how much easier it would be to ride the urges when I had took away the access. Although I know I could in a long way about it get onto sites by changing the K9 password I wouldn't be able to do it there and then when at the weekend I don't have access to the email address that it is set up on so this has really helped as when the urge goes I return to my anti gambling brain and happy again to beating this addiction. Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and I look forward to reading some stories this week to keep me strong.
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