Starting again at day 1 :(

Hi Angel don't be to hard on yourself. It is important to find out what the key to it all is. Somewhere deep inside you (at a level you don't even realise you have) is a forceful and determined voice encouraging you to stay at rock bottom. Sometimes it is because, even though you hate rock bottom, you know exactly where you stand. You understand a s**t life. You are frightened of a contended and happy one. After all, if that's what you had then you might lose it. And that would be harder to bear than losing all your money. Having money on pay day offers you some kind of hope for a 'nice normal life'. So that voice deep inside you thinks just get rid of it all, completely remove any possibility of having a normal life. So you gamble until you lose every penny. Even though your conscious mind is telling you that you are doing it to try and win money, the real reason is to lose it all. To eliminate every chance of living a content and happy life. That is why 99% of the time, no matter how much we have won, we usually end up with nothing! Because sub-consciously that is the real reason we gamble. To get rid of everything. To get rid of something inside ourselves. So I would try to find out what it is going on beneath the surface. It is not about gambling or not gambling. It is about making sure you cannot possibly be happy for the next month. Why don't you want to live a happy, normal life? Work that out Angel and you will be half way there. Best wishes x

Hi Sandy, thank you for your reply. Really got me thinking about something I haven't thought of before. When I have thought that I gamble to loose I have thought it is because I have been trying to loose to think about loosing money rather than other problems but your post has definatley given me something to think about.

DAY 3:- Looking forward to the weekend to have a lie in 🙂

Hi,how are you doing? hope you had a lovely lie in, I'm on Day 3 tody just a day behind you, finding it really hard especially boring weekends but am trying to stay focused and determined to get through December gamble free, take care Jaz x

Hi Jaz, I'm good thank u. At the minute I have no money so can't gamble which isn't going to be the case when I get paid so gotta get focused for then. Hope you managed to get through the weekend and it wasn't too boring for you 🙂

DAY 6 - Thought I'd be having a relaxing weekend but didn't get a minute to stop. Only thought about gambling once or twice, more to the effect of how much of a mess it has left me in this month. Still not been able to get a loan to get me on my feet again. Probably a good thing at the min. Got my appointment today with my counsellor so hope that goes well. Busy week ahead so hopefully not too many urges. Didn't realise I would be day 6 after the weekend, hasn't been that hard but having no money is what has made it easier.

Well done Angel, on Day 6, I'm a day behind you but struggling a lot, urges are really strong I hope I can do this, just want a goal of a month at least, take care and keep strong (easier said than done I find!!) Just got to keep thinking of the debt I'm in and not throwing any more money away....

Hi Jaz, we have to remember if we gamble we loose. No matter what if you gamble and win u will undoubtably spend it all plus more so no matter what we would be loosing. We are winning over and over again, every minute, urge and day we get through of not gambling. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but we will get there, don't be giving your cash to the massive gaming companies that rob so many people...u can do it.

DAY 7:- Well done me. Made it to a week AGAIN 🙂 no money to gamble at present though so not feeling like i have really acomplished anything. Aiming for 25th Feb - if I can get there I can get anywhere.

DAY 8:- had a brief thought about gambling last night, when I get some money, therefore need to make sure I can't gamble when I have got money. Apart from that nothing major. Went out for a lovely meal with my girlies last night, busy tonight so looking forward to tomoz night when I can relax, no doubt something will pop up tho busy busy!

DAY 9 - Only 13 days to pay day, thank god. I have missed out on quite a few social events this month due to having gambled all my money and not being able to afford to go. I'm wondering if this is what I needed, some pain and struggle from my gambling to recongnise that this has to stop, previously i have always been bailed out by getting loans or money from my dad, this time I am struggling, I know I have a lot of money to pay off over the next few months but in a strange way Ithink it is going to help and the relief I will feel once I get back on my feel will be imense.

DAY 10 - every1 seems to be in the Christmas spirit but I just can't feel it because I have got no money due to gambling. I promise to myself I am never going to let this happen again. I have been punished enough this time to feel the pain from gambling. Let me strong 🙂

DAY 13 - Rough today 🙁 evil alcohol. Haven't gambled although was thinking about it yesterday, sunday, hung over, other half watching football, me bored but hey ho I didn't have any money so it was impossible. Considering withdrawing all of my wages when I get paid so I don't have funds in the bank to gamble when I want!

Thanks for your support julie, really appreciate it 🙂

DAY 14:- got to start thinking about Christmas shopping, its depressing but pay day is only a week away feel like a bah humbug but will be glad when its all over. Got appt with my counsellor tomorrow, was suppose to be yesterday but I forgot about it!

I like you are a compulsive gambler!

When you spend money set aside for Bills/food/rent-mortgage etc and sit and suffer for the remaining days of the month then repeat the process! It's not because your a fool its because your addicted!

I watched a programme that enlightened me to only 4 % of compulsive gamblers ever break free from problem gambling, it shocked me and I like you are hoping to be in that 4 %.

I've read through your honest posts and do you not notice that through reading other stories they are all so accurately similar! In my honest opinion I think most of your days spent gamble free are simply because you are skint,and when you do have little money you don't spend it because its for essentials,however when you do have a sum of money whoosh the thoughts come on ten fold and you WILL find away to gamble!

I think you haven't realised fully how addicted you are! There are steps you can take that I guarantee you avoid! As a friend your first 1 should be to snap your cards and ask your bank for a cash only card as online seems to be your downfall at the minute regardless of anti gambling software,No debit card No temptation,no temptation more money for you!

If this is not enough you still manage to gamble its because your actively taking to much money out and looking to gamble so you need to give your card/s to someone for them to give you money each week! I know you will probably laugh at that last 1 but if that's what it takes to MINIMISE the RISK then that's what you need to do,and I'll guarantee that anyone in your family would be happy to do that to see a better outcome. You need to keep yourself busy joining gym's etc like you've mentioned and treat others you have disappointed over the years to make yourself feel better about you.

Only my opinion hope your one of the 4 %

Hi- just been reading your diary and found it very good. I am on day one and have started my own diary. Please god let me get over this terrible addiction! good luck with your journey

Hello Gogs and Hardtimes. Thank you both for your replies. I can relate to what you are saying gogs and I hope to god I am in the 4% coz to live like this 4ever more would be a nightmare of a life! Yes you are right the only times I am not gambling is when I don't have money, as soon as I have money the thoughts are there and I give in punishing myself all month. Although I have never had to do what I have done this month and really really struggle so I hope it has done me some good. I really have to make sure I re-read my posts and concentrate on how i have felt at these times. Your idea is good about the cash cards, the only thing is I have to pay things online with my card so don't know if I could get a card that I could still do this with, this is something I need to think about though but whilst being in debt and having to pay things off each month it would make it more difficult to manage.

Hi Hardtimes, thank you also for your post. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, day 1 will soon be day 10 just keep being strong I mean look at me I'm round n round in circles like I don't know what but you are in the best place to try and get help and beat this addiction. I will try to find your diary and have a read 🙂

Well DAY 15 - got a few christmas presents ordered yesterday but need to make sure that I pay off the catalouges when I get paid next week. Was thinking about gambling last night, I am off work for 2 weeks at Christmas and if I have money this is going to be an extremely risky time for me to gamble. In my mind the blocker is on my computer, I don't know if it is or not but I've not tried to get on any sites since last trying to change the password.