So today marks a fresh start at trying to beat my deamons, again..
It was an emotional rollercoaster last week, ups and downs which inevitably led to me having next to nothing to get me through the rest of the month till pay day rolls around.
For several weeks the gambling bug started to creep back up on me, but on Saturday 15th July i had a big win of £600 from a starting stake of £20 which caused me to spend 7 days spiralling out of control and ultimately losing all my winnings and more.
My vice being FOBT Roulette, we all know how rare an occurrence it is to win such a large sum of money off of such a low starting stake. I accumulated the £600 within less than an hour too. I remember at the time of collecting asking the Cashier to block a machine from behind the counter if she was to see me come back in the shop days following, i also remember thinking i should tell my Mum that i had relapsed, won and give her the winnings so that i could work on getting back on track without losing what i had made, trouble is we know in hindsight what should have been done but as an addict we never follow through, 2 days later i was in another betting shop elsewhere and pumping £400 of the 6 back into the bookies pocket.
Devil on my shoulder saying "It's okay, your still technically up £200, you can easily make 400 back or more off of that" and like a fool i listened. Thursday night my Mum left to go spend the weekend with family, home alone i done something i havn't done since my days at my worst, i went to a local casino at 1am with the intention of playing on a FOBT!!!
What i don't understand about my addiction to those machines is i know it isn't even real, the image shown when the ball spins is just that, an image, the RNG has decided on pressing the spin whether it is a win or a loss, at least playing on a real wheel would give a more realistic chance of profiting but even in a casino environment i opt for the FOBT. Could it be the quicker fix i am chasing? Considering i can spin 3 x a minute, would explain why betting on the dogs/horses never appealed to me a great deal, even though on reflection i have always been much luckier betting against them and profiting.
Come the early hours on Saturday morning i had visited the casino again, with my binge ending with me having only bill money left in my current account, forcing me to transfer £100 from another accounts overdraft to numb the feeling of being broke (sadly i installed banking apps on my phone with perfectly innocent intentions to begin with months ago but have since realised i don't need any passwords or security clearance to transfer money between accounts, bang goes a barrier with that 1). Mum had left me with my card, trusting me while she was away because i would need it when going with my Girlfriend to a planned night out on the Saturday evening.
Went home, tail between my legs, Saturday night i used £50 of the transfered money to get me through the evening and to not raise my Girlfriends suspicions that i had no money, had a great night and never ended up spending the full £50, trouble is, come Sunday afternoon i was back in another bookies before work, pumping the 20 odd pound left over from Saturday night, no wins significantly boosting my balance, eventually leading to £0.00, but wait, i have another £50 still in my account from the £100 transfered from my overdraft, "£50 on number 1 please", 10mins later, all gone, out of cash, out of luck, down, depressed, ashamed.
Told my Mum i had relapsed last night on her return home, she wasn't best pleased and was disappointed considering i had gone since November 16 without a slip.
Now i'm sat here on a Monday morning, day off work, no money and planning in my head how to get through till pay day without having to borrow money. It is a new day though, day 1, i will never be truly rid of this addiction, there will always be that moment where time, money and a gambling establishment are in the same place at the wrong time, but i can only try, and try harder i will.
11.35am - Day 2
Busy day ahead, starting work at 2. Feeling optimistic in comparison to this time last week, but this is how it always feels after a relapse for me, it is a cycle, i need to learn to recognise the signs though and changes in my thought process in future to avoid slipping again. Not occupying myself and managing my time more productively is a reoccurring theme, it is obvious that when i have to much time on my hands my first instinct is to go kill some time in the bookies, which also ties into bordem.
Interestingly i also found on reflection over the several weeks leading to my recent relapse that on my break at work i would rather jog to the nearest bookies for a half hour of spins than eat, leaving me hungry for the rest of my shift causing me to feel lethargic and also stressed out even more so. Stress i feel is a major contributor to the depression i feel after a big loss too.
Past counselling sessions began to draw a picture, the brain releases something to make you "feel good", i believe it is called Dopamine, my feel good trigger is acceptance. Somewhere along the line i was accepted by someone or something because of gambling, the same thing happens when i fight too, but my body has become addicted to that "feel good", so when i lose, there is no acceptance, meaning to Dopamine release, which equals feeling depressed and then pumping the FOBTs even more craving even the smallest win to get a lil "feel good".
Funny how logically we can think when the red mist dissipates ha!
Must get ready for work. Day 2, another small step in the right direction.
9.45am - Day 3
Early start for work this morning, was due in for 5.45am but overslept a lil due to coming off a late shift last night and only getting 4 and a bit hours sleep.
Finishing at 2pm, gym later, keeping myself busy.
Had a reply from a member to a post i made on another gambling forum this morning. Was called "weak" for my recent relapse, naturally on first reading i took offence, but you know what that person was right. I like to think of myself as a strong individual but how can i be if i make excuses when i relapse, ultimately i make a choice when i gamble.
I need to stop just relying on barriers to protect me and be prepared to fight the urges with more intent when they are not present, otherwise the relapses will just continue. I can't let that happen.
My old Counsellor from BreakEven has replied to me reaching out to him on Facebook too and has said he is available for a session over the phone, will be a good chance to catch up and speak openly about recent events.
Must stay focused!
10.11am - Day 10
Amazing isn't it how only after a short period of time since the last relapse we slip into a strange normality and forget the events that happened, scary and i guess part of the cycle of potentially relapsing again that i am seeing for the first time now that i'm documenting my journey as i never realised this before.
Only 10 days ago i was back in a bad place and today it is as if nothing happened.
After telling my Mum about the relapse we put my barriers back in place, primarily the limitation on access to my money, i have even now reduced my daily amount i carry in my wallet to £2 from 5, more so as i see it as saving because when having a fiver in my wallet i felt the need to spend it even if i didn't need to, i've always been like that when i think back, carrying more money on me than i realistically needed, throwing gambling on top of that strange habit was then just a recipe for disaster.
By only using £2 a day 5 days a week i can save myself £60 a month. That can go in the moving out fund, which has been put on hold, my Girlfriend decided that once i had told her about my addicition, Mum said i didn't need to involve her but i thought it was important because eventually in the future there was a strong chance i would slip into my old ways unless i had someone looking in on me other than my Mum, so for now we are just continuing to save, which i guess isn't a bad thing.
Roughly 2 weeks now till i am paid again, skint is an understatement right now, few bills i hadn't planned for have got me wondering how i am going to pay them, that is when i get the horrible feeling in my stomach that just over 10 days ago i was £600 up, but that money is gone, i will find a way to deal with what is ahead just like everyone does and i will do it without gambling!
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