Well I am back after being missing in action for a few weeks, after falling off the wagon and entering a deep dark hole of despair, self loathing and shame. But it's now time to get my life back. I haven't gambled for 10 days! Have tried blocking sites and excluding but always managed to find a new site. So what I have done is contact the bank to ask them to put a block on my card being used online. DD s and bills will come out of account, but in have to withdraw cash from the ATM. so have permanently broken the triangle. The bank were excellent, I didn't explain why, although a quick look at my account would have given them clues!
Feel such a relief as I didn't have the willpower not to pick up computer and try to gamble when I was feeling down. Second of counselling sessions tomorrow. At the first one, I was distressed at firstly opening up and being truthful about the amount of debt etc. and my gambling habits, but also all having to look at my life and the reasons why after being responsible and sensible for the first 40 plus years of my life I began and then kept on gambling even though i knew that I wasn't gaining anything from it and was on a self destruct path. So onwards and upwards with baby steps . I will not gamble today and best wishes for those who are on this difficult journey.
Jean
Well done Jean for being honest, taking action and coming back fighting!
i am certain we have all had slip ups, crumbs read my diary ive had a few melt downs! But no one said the journey would be smooth!
you have done really well starting counselling and speaking to your bank, i take my hat off to you they are braver steps then me!
good luck Hun, keep posting and reading x
all the best
Laura x
Hi Jean
A big well done to you for being honest and carrying on
Keep positive and strong taking one day at a time
Suzanne x
Another day gamble free! Starting to climb out of the black hole and feeling more positive. Can't gamble as bank has stopped card being used for online purchases which has been such a relief as it's pay day next week, when I would normally spend any money I have then stress and struggle for the rest of the month. Attended counselling today and this has helped as well. What has come out is like other people on here, gambling is a symptom which needs to be addresses. Thank you for the support and best wishes to those sharing this difficult journey with me.
Jean
Well another nearly over and no thoughts of gambling. Also found out today that we don't get paid Wednesday as I thought but Friday! Luckily as have blocked debit card for online use,I willne able to manage albeit frugally, which is a change in itself. In previous times if this had occurred I would have been in despair trying to get through another two days without money. I hope that this is the start of good feelings that will come as I don't gamble
Bestow I shed to all those on this difficult journey Jean
Last line should have said best wishes to those on this difficult journey !
Well I have continued to be gamble free. I don't want to count days, but will aim for significant dates, the first one being at the beginning of November when there is a wedding in the family. If I achieve that goal then I will set another goal for Xmas. Not had any urges yo gamble, but that might be as I know I have broken the triangle and therefore cannot. This may be a drastic action for some, but for me it is proving to be a lifesaver, for as long as I had access to funds, I would gamble. The relief is palpable, but the aftermath of feelins is still with me. Whilst I want them to begin to lighten, they are a reminder of what gambling has rone to me. For nearly fifteen years it has controlled my life, but no more! Good luck to all those on this difficult journey. Jean
Well another day gamble free over! No thoughts of gambling, and starting to feel pound of myself. I know it's early days yet, but as the triangle is broken, I cannot gamble online, and I have never had the desire to go to a casino etc.
Payday on Friday, where previously I would have slept fitfully during the night before, going over y finances in y head, and promising myself I would only gamble x amount. Getting up early for work on payday, willing my husband out of the door, and then losing all my money before I have even got to work on payday. The feelings of loss, disappointment and shame, the. Follow me to work. I will tell my diary the feeling I have on Friday, when for the first time in years this won't happen.
Good luck and best wishes to all of you on this difficult journey. Jean
Another day and another pound not spent. Doing a daily diary is really helpful even if no one reads it, as I don't have anyone, apart from the counsellor to share with.
I am trying not look back on past losses but forward to present gains.
Good luck and best wishes to all of you on this difficult journey.
Jean
Well done Jean on building up those days gamble free. I felt exactly the same as you when I relapsed the other day, but we can't be too hard on ourselves as it doesn't help.
I find that keeping yourself motivated and setting targets helps. My target is to go till xmas day. However, first I want to get past September and then October.
Good luck and jeep your chin up.
Thankyou for your support, it's most welcome.
Well tonight I have spent time on the ipad, not looking at gambling sites, but the things on my wish list - those things, like a really nice pair of shoes etc., that I would not have spent money on as it would have gone to gambling, and that massive win I knew I was going to win. Ah ah, it was never going to happen, yet I still deluded myself that I was going to hit the big one! I realise that I have lived inside my head, in a fantasy world, for many years, ignoring reality and fact. I know that now and I could have all the things on my wish list if I hadn't gambled thousands of pounds chasing a dream, which was in fact a nightmare. Set myself a little savings challenge, to but myself a pair of beautiful shoes in the next few weeks. Of course I cannot buy what I wish as I am left with terrible debt, which is being addressed, but will take several years to clear. As someone who as been in the grip of gambling for so many years, I realise that with the isolation comes the fact that you don't take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. I didn't care what I looked or dressed like, as I wasn't going out to meet anyone or socialise as my social life was with my computer or ipad. This is going to change !
So good luck and best wishes to all of you who are on this difficult journey. Jeanx
Well it's payday on Friday and I am actually looking forward to it. Not so that I have funds to gamble but because I will. Ot and cannot gamble as card cannot be used online. This will be the first month this has happened for many years!
Feeling more positive which each passing day, and hopefully this will continue. Six week to achieve my first goal, the family wedding!
Good luck and best wishes to those who are on this difficult journey. Jean x
Another day gamble free and tonight I hope to sleep well. Previously the night before payday I would sleep fitfully, waiting for wage to go into bank constantly checking account then I could gamble. But no more. Will be a tough month as had pawned engagement ring and have to pay money tomorrow. I cannot afford to redeem it but will have the money to pay the fees so it won't get sold. This had been distressing me, as it is the only piece of jewellery I had, but it still risked it by spending money I didn't have on gambling, then having to pawn it so I could pay bills. That it is the past now, and after tomorrow's payment, I have six months to find the money to redeem it.
Still positive good luck to all those on this difficult journey. Jean x
Good to see your positivity Jean. Gambling took you to the brink but you can fight back. Maybe not got the money to get your engagement ring back yet but make that your goal and it will mean so much more when you finally do.
Well payday today and I still had a tenner in my account! That is a big deal cos usually by payday I only have pence in. Today I needed to pay pawn shop,and I was all,set to go, but then really thought about it. If I paid the money it would be another month with no money at all, so I rang the company and told them I was wavering as to whether to let the ring go. They were absolutely fabulous and said I can pay some of it this month and the rest next month and then they will sort out a payment plan over the next six months so I can afford to get my ring back. I realise that they have had so much money off me the last three years as I could never afford to redeem it, but still they didn't need to do that. So I am going in tomorrow to make a small payment and sort things out. I know it will take six months to get it back, but that is a goal I really want to achieve, because the ring represented my life pre gambling, when I could buy nice things and I want that life back.
Feeling so much better today, not spent a penny today, normally all my money would have gone on payday.
So although little baby steps, I am on this journey for the log haul.
Good luck to all those on this difficult journey. Jean
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