Still trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel

Well I am doing really weel, no thoughts of gambling, money (not a lot) in account and I have sorted things out with the pawn shop. So why have I felt so down today and weepy? I am quite good at reflecting on things and doing nothing about it I may add. But I think stopping gambling has made me face up to some of the realities in my life which I didn't address but turned to gambling as an escape. I am now facing these demons and feeling pretty scared. Going to bed now and hopefully these will just be passing phases as I get my life back.

Good luck to all those who are on this difficult journey.Jeanx

Well I am doing really weel, no thoughts of gambling, money (not a lot) in account and I have sorted things out with the pawn shop. So why have I felt so down today and weepy? I am quite good at reflecting on things and doing nothing about it I may add. But I think stopping gambling has made me face up to some of the realities in my life which I didn't address but turned to gambling as an escape. I am now facing these demons and feeling pretty scared. Going to bed now and hopefully these will just be passing phases as I get my life back.

Good luck to all those who are on this difficult journey.Jeanx

Hi Skinnt,

It's quite amazing what we ca/do hide behind gambling.

You are doing great, ride through the lows, they don't last long.

Good news about your ring, and very well done on staying gamble free.

Keep going and stay strong.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne for your support. A little better day today, with no urges to gamble, which is good. Have another counselling session on Wednesday which I find really helpful, as well as reading others diaries.

Well trying to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight as slept very little last night.

Good luck to all those on this difficult journey. Jean x

Well nearly another day over and remain gamble free. I cannot believe I hadn't thought about asking bank to stop bank card for use online, as I have tried many times before putting all sorts of blocks in place and managing to get round them. Funny enough, because I absolutely cannot gamble, the urges have gone for my head. This sounds wonderful, but other demons have replaced these, so slowly dealing with them.

Went to docs today as I am about two stone overweight, had restarted smoking and all other unhealthy habits whilst I was gambling and not taking care of myself. So quitting smoking with help, and have borrowed an excercise bike and started healthy eating. I have a lot of years of self neglect to make up for. Even treated myself to a hair cut, something I hadn't done for nearly a year. So all in all I am feeling a bit more positive and have another counselling session tomorrow.

Best wishes to all,those on this difficult journey. Jean x

Well I don't know where last nights post went, but if I have posted incorrectly I your diary, the apologies.

Went for,counsellimg again yesterday and it went well. Feel this is going to be the route to my recovery.

Had a lovely day today, off work to look after grandson, so made myself get ready and took him out for the day. Normally I would have minded him at my home, so as 1. I could gamble and 2. I wouldn't have had the money to take him out. This is the first payday when I have been able to do this and it boosted my mood no end.

Anyway, best wishes to all those on this difficult journey. jean x

Thankyou.

Another day gamble free, with no urges at all, so why do I feel so low? I cannot seem to shake myself up. Debts are paid on time, have a little cash in account to see me through the month, but instead of celebrating my mood keeps falling to an all time low. Do others who are abstaining feel the same? I would be grateful if others could share with me.

Best wishes to all those on this difficult journey. Jean x

Hi Jean,

You are doing really well.

Yes you are bound to feel low when the novelty of not gambling wears off.

You gear yourself up so much for the first phase.

It then takes a dip but then picks up again.

Treat yourself well during the dip and it will pass faster.

Every day you don't gamble you will get to see a bit of the Jean who was there before the gambling.

You are going to have a clear head and a happy heart.

It is really worth the effort.

Take care,

Suzy

Thankyou Suzy. I know your right and I will try. I have just liked back at the first post and it's nearly six weeks since I gambled. That is the longest I have gone in over 12 years!

So how do I feel? As though the fog is lifting from my life. Last week I spent the day with my grandson and we had a lovely time. The difference being that I wasn't distracted by logging on to gamble and being distracted by it. He actually had my full undivided attention and we had a wonderful time. I also realised that I have been looking for something to blame for my gambling and focused on my husband. Following a further counselling session and th fact that the fog is lifting, I realised that I have distanced myself from him more and more over the past few years, as is I had terrible secrets - 1 that I was a compulsive gambler and 2. That I had amassed a lot of debt. These still remain my secrets which I am working on, but I realise that whatever problems, issues etc, got me into gambling, only I have the power to change the future.

At my first counselling session, I remember saying that I had no joy in my life, as I was burdened with stress, secrets and everything else that goes with this addiction. However with this new clarity I realise that I have to find the joy in my life and no-one can 'gift' it to me.

Before gambling took hold I was nicknamed 'smiler' at work - and I realised that I hadn't really smiled for a long time as gambling takes the essence of you - but now I want that back. I will beat this addiction, acknowledging that I will always be an addict.

On a more positive note, like many others in the grip of addiction, I did not take care of myself physically. I restarted smoking, ate cr** etc. Well the f**s have gone - day 5 now and eating a more healthy balanced diet. I am sleeping a little better and I am hoping that this will continue to improve, cos the constant lack of sleep as I lay awake worrying how to cover my losses as gone. Again the realisation that my level of work and commitment had gone, has made me work harder these past few weeks, hopefully getting back the respect that I had for many years.

Sorry this has been a long post, and I know that I will have ups and downs, but I cannot express enough how my life has changed in only a few weeks because I am not gambling. I hope that if ever I am tempted, that I will be able to remember the depths of despair that took me to stopping in the first place.

So best wishes for those on this difficult journey.Jean x

Hi a Jean,

It's lovely to read that you are now in a much better place, and that fog is clearing.

Nearly six weeks is a great achievement, be very proud, because you are starving the addiction, and it does get easier, as long as we stay strong.

Keep going abstaining and maintaining and winning.

Well done,

Suzanne xx

Well the end of another week gamble free. Clarity returning and with it the need to look at myself honestly. If you look back at my early post I spoke of having to face up to the reason I gambled. My whole focus I now realised was to blame others, especially my other half. The truth I have had to face up to is that it's no ones fault other than my own. I started to play, got addicted to the buzz etc., and continued even though it was doing me harm. My relationship with OH hasn't been the greatest for the past few years, as in my head I have blamed him for my gambling, and being unhappy ect. It WASNT his fault, and I now realise as the addiction took hold, I was the deceitful, uninterested one in the partnership, withdrawing myself from the relationship. For example how many times did I go to bed hours after him so I could gamble in peace? How many times have I feigned illness etc., then I didn't have to go to a social occasion again so I could have the house to myself and gamble. These are the things I have done, and it is now up to me to work hard to reinvest in my marriage, as he has still been there for me, even though I have given nothing back.

So does the truth hurt? You bet, but it is within my hands whether I use this knowledge to move forward as a better person. The other option is to exist, not live and that is what it is like with gambling.

Best wishes to all those on this difficult journey. Jean

Thank you Julie for your kind words. I feel that I have lost

12 years of my life but now I want them back. I have had no thoughts of gambling, but know from others that urges can strike anytime, however because I have broken the triangle it's not an option.

Noticed today that I had 45 pounds charges on my bank statement were I had become overdrawn - this is the last time I will pay those. Have saved another 100 pound to pay pawn shop and so get back on track with them. This is money I have saved from not smoking! However diet lasts two days and then I fall off the wagon, but hey oh I will keep trying !

Best wishes to all of those on this difficult journey Jean x