Striving for a new normal

One of my favourite sayings is it is better to ramble than gamble.

You seem to be getting to a strong place at the minute. I was once told its s lot easier to put blocks in place when things are going well. So a suggestion to you would be to self excluded from the site after all your not using it so why leave the door open and the temptation there.

I found this really useful as when I did get an urge I had taken away the opportunity so with no money and no opportunity two sides of the triangle where broken

Thanks for popping by on my diary might be time to start using yours a bit more now

KTF

Cheers Oldham,

I do need to use the diary more! This place is fantastic and so supportive but sometimes I have to be in the right "head space" to be here (if that makes sense). Although over the past few months I haven't posted I have popped back when I've felt able too, it's only now that I'm starting to feel a little stronger that I want to post a little and start being accountable for my actions to others and not just myself or my family.

I honestly don't know why I haven't closed down the last site, it just hasn't crossed my mind but it is something I should definitely do!

So driving home from the school run and my mid kid was playing with the stereo, we love a good sing a long lol, he put this song on and the chorus really hit me so I thought I'd post it here.

"This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me."

Today I chose to keep fighting, I'm very lucky that my husband supports me. My last serious attempt at quitting saw me reach 12 weeks and he didn't know about it, after a few (a lot) stop/starts he saw me reach 31days yesterday and I know he was proud, apart from my failed attempts at quitting he hasn't known me to go more than a week without gambling in the 9yrs I've been doing it.

I'm doing ok, just having a mini melt down after checking through budget sheets and the bank account and realising that my last gamble free time wasn't as long as I thought it was.

Stop, breathe and process......

I can honestly say I have 33 gf days under my belt, in a few hours it will be 34, there are no nasty transactions on the bank account that shouldn't be there.....just need to curb my crisp addiction which will help save some pennies!

The budget will look bleak until I've dug us out of the hole we're in, but it will be ok....don't gamble and hole doesn't get bigger!

Disappointment over something that I didn't reach is pointless.....it does mean that I get to reach it for the first time this time!

Don't stress, just breathe....

Checking in, 35 days gf.

Not filling your head with gambling gives you lots of time to think, this is part good part bad!

When I gamble I don't start out thinking about the money, I start out as a way to block the thinking....then end up chasing my losses. I'm trying not to think too much at the moment and just deal with little bits at a time, my husband says my issue is I don't forget anything and I don't forgive either and I turn it all around to punish myself, because of this he feels he doesn't need to be too hard on me as I'm hard on myself all the time. I suppose he has a point but part of me desperately needs him to go off on one at me. If I sit and think I suppose I do blame myself for everything and I know I need to work through it all and leave it behind but if i did that then I would have no reason to punish myself anymore which would be a massive life change as it's something I've been doing for as long as I remember. It's all baby steps, I will get there, I know I need to deal with it all or I face a relapse and I don't want that.

Checking in, 43 days gf.

It's been a busy, stressful week. On more than one occasion I've had to take a step back and just breathe, I know this week is going to be just as bad but the upside is the husband is away so I have no access to money....if I said that in any other place my husband would be classed as controlling and abusive but here you all understand exactly what I'm saying.

I'm still figuring out how much I want to use my diary and I think once a week works for me at the moment, I don't really have much to say, I'm just concentrating on getting through each day. Sometimes I pop on and have a read of others diaries and sometimes I don't, it all depends on what type of mood I'm in, not really uplifting and helpful but just trying to find what works best for me. There has been one question I can't seem to find the answer to, it even has the hubby intrigued....what is it about 90days? I've seen it mentioned a few times and I'm left wondering why 90days?! If any one can shed some light on that I would be extremely grateful.

90 days is a GA term they say you should keep attending for at least this amount of time to see if it for you so to speak. If it's not go on your way and try to find another way. I have found that most people who do 90 days stick around as they see the benifit that it offers. I think once you get to the 90 days you are starting to get a better understanding and personally I started to dig a bit deeper than just abstaining from gambling, still a lot of digging to do for me but I do feel I am starting to recover.

I don't by any means think GA owns the exclusive rights to the 90 days I think if can be put into practice in any circumstance. Try searching online for the GA 90 day bookle I'm sure you can download it.

90 days was my first real target and the nice people if GA gave me a pen to recognise it.

As for using your diary so what suits but don't leave it too late and only come back when you have to but in sure that won't be the case.

KTF

Day 49 check in.

Thanks for that Oldham, 90 days makes sense now, gives something more of a chance as opposed to just 5 or 10 days.

Well it's been a busy week as expected and a bit more stressful than expected...it started Saturday with husband spending the day in a and e with severe eye pain and headache, told he had a tear at the rear of his eye and sent home with a follow up appointment for 2 weeks time, Sunday he went up north for work, yesterday he books an emergency drs appointment for the afternoon for when he came home as the pain was worse, got sent back to a and e and an hour later he got told his retina had torn and needed to go to the specialist eye hospital for it to be operated on, they sent him home with strict instructions of how he had to stand/angle of his head etc....so up at 4am this morning for him to catch the train to london, he's got his dad with him and I'm home with the kids, the person he saw last night seemed positive and said he should have a 100% chance of saving his sight in that eye but can't understand why he wasn't referred last week! Now it's just the waiting game of whether it's local anaesthetic and home today or general and home tomorrow then we wait to see whether his sight is affected or not.

To say I'm stressed is a slight understatement and if I could gamble I would but by saying that I feel I'm being selfish, how can I think of gambling when my husband could lose his sight! I've got all my blocks in place so I can't but I still feel bad for thinking about it.

Keep strong onlyme, remember gambling will only stress you more, you have come a long way now:))

50 days tomorrow and that's a lovely milestone to reach.

Hope all goes well with your husband,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Day 52 check in.

I'm so pleased I don't have access to money/cards any more, at the time of giving them up I felt so wretched but by not having them I have saved myself so much more, I know if I want a go then all I have to do is ask the hubby (although last week I did say to him that his immediate response now has to be to tell me to go away and think why? Do I really need to? Is it really worth it? Etc...) But the thoughts are fleeting and don't last too long and I honestly haven't asked but it really does help having my blocks in place...if I have access to the bank cards then I know those thoughts will turn in to actions, take away the cards and it's harder to do but it does make abstinence easier.

The husband went to london Saturday to be told they didn't have space in the day to operate, a dr told him he would be fine for 1-2 weeks but then the consultant saw him and said it had to be done 1-2 days max, got sent home but phoned early Sunday and told to get there as soon as possible, op done and home, not sure how well it went as told he won't be able to see much of anything for 6-12 weeks but whatever will be, will be. The only thing we can do is follow their advice tovgive it the best possible chance. It's all one day at a time.

52 days my friend:)) well done.

Tough times at the moment for you and your husband, but the ops done now, it is very much one day at a time with everything:)))

Keep strong for you and your husband, you are doing just fine:)))

Suzanne xxx

Checking in day 57

I'm still here, there have been a few thoughts when i've been at my most stressed but they have only been thoughts and no actions. I am so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that thoughts don't have time to stay in my head before I've moved on to the next thing, be it that it's something that needs doing or I finally find time to fall asleep.

It feels a little strange that I'm not gambling through this, I'm actually "present" in everything thats going on and not in my little zoned out world, but it's a good strange and it's less exhausting surviving on 2-3 hrs sleep due to being up with a child a dozen times and the husband a dozen more than it ever was being up gambling....I like it!

And now I need to make some desperately needed coffee before tackling the garden before the youngest wakes from his nap....the list is endless lol. Hope the day is being kind to everyone 🙂

Day 64 check in.

This week has been really calm and relaxed compared to the previous two. The husband can see blobs of colour and I've had no gambling urges...good results all round!

Yesterday I turned 36 and celebrated with a gamble free birthday, my last gf bday was my 27th...I started gambling a month later. I did have a little worry in the week, the mother in law tends to buy scratch cards for bdays/xmas, she doesn't know I have a gambling problem (it's easier her not knowing as she it very judgemental and not in any way supportive and is very verbal with her thoughts and will never let me forget my mistakes until she takes her last breath!) so in a panic I asked the husband what do i do if she gets me one...his answer was to just give it to him with the comment "see if you can see that"...panic averted, even though i've never had an issue with scratch cards or the lottery I want to avoid it all at the moment, I might feel differently at a later date but I'm so early in to my recovery that I don't want to jeopardise at this stage. Well anyway it turns out the worry was for nothing but I am pleased I had a plan in place just in case.

The one site i hadn't got round to self excluding from sent me an email yesterday (i didn't check my emails until this morning), "it's your bday have this" type of thing..so I've just logged in to it and straight to the support button to get them to permanently close the account and to no longer contact me in any way, fingers crossed they do it without too many issues.

I do not need, or want, to have it open anymore, i've managed this far without it, i do not need a safety net "just in case", I have proved to myself that I can cope without gambling, it is not my friend and never has been and it's time for me to completely walk away.

I have realised this week that I'm confusing thoughts of gambling with urges, I have been "beating myself up" every time I have a thought but these thoughts are not always urges, after nearly 9yrs gambling it's normal to have thoughts of it but they don't make me want to gamble, but that doesn't mean that I'm dismissing those thoughts as I know that if I'm not completely on guard all the time I risk relapsing...I hope that makes sense...oh and I've also realised I'm not very good at putting my thoughts in to words lol.

Lol, ok I now know f i n g e r s crossed gets censored out.

Well they emailed back very promptly asking why I wanted it closed and explained that I couldn't do it through support I had to do it from my email address, so I just replied to their email restating what I wanted and why, as yet there has been nothing back, so I'm just going to go on my merry little way and check in a few days, if it's still active I will send another email including with it what has been sent and received today.

Well done on your progress. Gambling addiction often has many bumps in the road. The important thing is not to get knocked off course. Tri x