Striving for a new normal

I've had the email, apparently it's closed and they've requested for me to be added to the CND which apparently may help prevent me from using others linked to their network. Haven't got a clue what CND is but I have a feeling it's a list....as long as it helps me I don't care.

Have a great day all 🙂

Never heard of that either onlyme. If your not sure, give Gamcare a quick ring. Sure they could help 🙂

Well, day 70, 10 whole weeks since I last gambled (and 98days since my last cigarette...but I'm still vaping though).

I did some googling as curiosity got the better of me, copied and pasted from the site I closed, minus site name -

22.2 **** utilises the services of Datacash for financial transactions. They maintain a CND (central negative database); a list of players that includes amongst other things, those who have reported to us, or other operators who use Datacash's services, that they have a gambling problem. If you are discovered to be on this list we reserve the right to void all account activity from the date you were added. Any subsequent removal from the CND will only affect activity from the successful removal date onwards.

So I'm on a list and I like the sound of this one!

In the past 70days so much has changed but also so little too -

We're still broke, that's not going to change for a while however we're not really broke....the bills are paid and there's food on the table....we are living payday to payday but we have a roof over our head and food in our bellies...so broke but not broke.

I still think about gambling so there's no difference there, but I do not want to do it, that's the biggest change, I do not want to sit like a zombie at my laptop day in and day out watching a spinny thing that will not change my life regardless of how it lands...I have won over 8k on 40p spent on bingo, over £600 on a 30p spin and 15p on a £15 spin.....none of that made a difference to me....the amount won did not change my life as it all got spent again, I felt no different regardless of if it was a big or little win...the amount I'd win just determined how long I could sit.

I have sat and tried to analyse why I gambled, I've realised I did it to stop me from feeling/thinking, I've gone through and listed (to myself) what I've been “running” from and I do still need to deal with it all.....gambling has not made my issues disappear, it actually made them bigger, it kind of magnified them and paralysed me with fear of not being able to cope....but not gambling has not made my issues escalate, however I am able to look at them with the clear head of a non gambler.....I have slowly started to face my issues, my issues began 30yrs ago so I know I am not going to make them all disappear over night, and I'm ok with that, I cannot just forget everything but I don't have to let them dictate the rest of my life to me, I am in control of my life.

By not gambling I have been part of the family once more, I'm not the one sitting in the corner of the room, I am the one saying “lets go to the park”, I am not in a hurry to get home...I want to stay out and enjoy the fresh air, the laughter of my kids, the noise of the birds and the comfortable silence as we all trudge, the long way, back home exhausted. I've enjoyed bathing the small one instead of leaving my husband to do it while I sat and gambled, I've been soaked head to toe and loved every second of it. I've been asked girlfriend advice by the oldest and listened to SATS woes from the mid kid and realised how much they've grown and how much I've missed out by not really being present.

My life is still money orientated but I'm not looking for things I can cut back on to pay for my next fix, I try not to stress too much over how I'm going to pay for insurances/bus passes etc....they will get paid when they get paid. I do still have a moment of fear when checking the bank account but I know it's ok as I know every penny is accounted for and none of it has been spent of gambling.

I am ashamed of how I have lived my life for the past 9yrs, ashamed of how I acted as a wife/mother/friend/daughter, I know that nothing I do now can alter the way things have been and it doesn't alter how I feel about it, but I do know I can change how things are in the future, everyday for the past 10weeks I have made the decision not to be the person I was and I hope I can carry on like this.

At the moment my goal is to make it to 77days as I reached 76days on my last serious attempt before mucking it up, ultimately my goal has no end figure as I am taking it each day as it comes.

Now, after reading, re-reading and a bit more re-reading with some alterations I think I've said all I need to say for today so I'm off to make coffee and do some housework. I hope today is kind to everyone.

Hello day 77!

My small personal goal is achieved, I was talking to the husband last night and he said to me "what's your goal after 77?" my response was 78, it's only one day but it adds up!

This week hasn't been that bad, the hubby is slowly improving, he can read large print if it's an inch from his face and for distance he can see blobs, we're not sure how much he's meant to be able to see but he's improving everyday so he's happy. The kids have now broken up for halfterm so I'll have a busy house this week, we have no plans to do anything, the kids are fine with that as they've seen their dad bouncing off furniture and door frames lol. I've been busy crocheting most evenings, the husband brought me some new yarn for my birthday so i could make myself a new snuggle blanket, it's going to be over 5foot square so will take a while to make, but it keeps me busy and occupied, it's relaxing and helps me "tune out" from the world.

So, all is good with me, blocks in place, just plodding on. Hope today is kind to all.

Nice update 🙂 Plodding on with you. Tri x

Checking in day 84.

Well its been an uneventful week, we're all full of germs and everyone is miserable....but i did have ice cream for breakfast as my throat hurts so much lol.

I've taken on a crochet project for my friends wedding gift in 3 weeks time, so far I've spent pretty much every waking minute on it for the past 3 days and its hardly made a dent in it....I will not panic, I just won't be sleeping until it's done!

Hope today is being kind to everyone.

I came on earlier and wrote a very long post about how angry I am feeling today, i re-read it then deleted it.

It consisted of how angry i feel about how gambling has effected my life, how much of my life, and my kids life i have missed because i was so wrapped up in gambling, how although i was here i wasn't really here, how gambling has effected what we wear, how we look, what we have and don't have, what needs repairing in our home, how my kids and husband view me as a person/mum/wife, how i view me as a person! And the future efects on my children when they turn to adults.

My gambling has had a massive impact on all of us and I am so angry with myself for becoming addicted to it and allowing it to have that impact, i have allowed gambling to enter in to my family home and run riot all because i was too weak to stop before i even started, i have allowed my gambling to destroy my kids lives when i am meant to be the one that protects them, i am the one who has lied to my husband time and time again and ruin his trust all because i couldn't stop! I wish i could turn back the clock to before it all began and do things different, i wish that i could go back to when i first came on this site and actually listened to the advice offered and followed through on that advice the first time instead continually burying my head in the sand, i knew when i first came here that i had a gambling problem but i didn't really do anything about it, i kind of just went through the motions for a few days then i would gamble again and start again, there are so many things i would've done differently if i could do it all again. I am so, so angry with myself for everything i have done and i know that i can never change it, i cannot change the look on my husbands face when he's seem the overdrawn bank account, when he realises i've lied to his face yet again, i cannot change the dissapointment my kids felt because they couldn't go on a day trip because i spent all the money, i cannot change the face that looks back at me every morning in the mirror, the face that has aged 9yrs since i really last looked at it, so much has changed because i gambled. I chose to give gambling a higher priority in my life than my family and myself!

I come here most days and secretly cheer everyone on, i don't post much on peoples diaries because i never really know what to say, but i feel every ounce of pain in everyones diaries, i feel the joy for those that have achieved a goal of 5,10, 100, 800+ days, i cry for those that are really having a hard time and have lost so much, everyone here has had their life effected by gambling and it makes me so angry! Please, listen to the advice, actually listen, don't bury your head in the sand like i did, don't become the person i did, don't wake up and look in the mirror and not recognise the face looking back at you.

& breathe...

Hi...listen, i haven't got much words of wisdom and am really not the great example of taking advice on ...but - i know how you feel. Please don't make yourself feel worse by these thoughts..regrets are painful but you're forgetting that you have NOW and future ahead. It's never to late to start again ☺
Trust is very hard to earn back, but it's possible..only you can make it work by choosing recovery each and single day. Your family loves you, they care about you and they want you back.
You have to admit the defeat by this addiction and work on not getting these feelings again, ..working one day at a time. It will get better and easier..allow yourself some hope and belief...you can do it.

Look in the mirror now...just look at it and smile at the reflection, those eyes don't lie - grab recovery with both hands because you want it and simply because recovery is possible ☺

Over to you

S xx

Ps..i see you're nearly in century club! Hay you - have another smile at that reflection! You're doing great!!

onlyme wrote:

I came on earlier and wrote a very long post about how angry I am feeling today, i re-read it then deleted it.

It consisted of how angry i feel about how gambling has effected my life, how much of my life, and my kids life i have missed because i was so wrapped up in gambling, how although i was here i wasn't really here, how gambling has effected what we wear, how we look, what we have and don't have, what needs repairing in our home, how my kids and husband view me as a person/mum/wife, how i view me as a person! And the future efects on my children when they turn to adults.

My gambling has had a massive impact on all of us and I am so angry with myself for becoming addicted to it and allowing it to have that impact, i have allowed gambling to enter in to my family home and run riot all because i was too weak to stop before i even started, i have allowed my gambling to destroy my kids lives when i am meant to be the one that protects them, i am the one who has lied to my husband time and time again and ruin his trust all because i couldn't stop! I wish i could turn back the clock to before it all began and do things different, i wish that i could go back to when i first came on this site and actually listened to the advice offered and followed through on that advice the first time instead continually burying my head in the sand, i knew when i first came here that i had a gambling problem but i didn't really do anything about it, i kind of just went through the motions for a few days then i would gamble again and start again, there are so many things i would've done differently if i could do it all again. I am so, so angry with myself for everything i have done and i know that i can never change it, i cannot change the look on my husbands face when he's seem the overdrawn bank account, when he realises i've lied to his face yet again, i cannot change the dissapointment my kids felt because they couldn't go on a day trip because i spent all the money, i cannot change the face that looks back at me every morning in the mirror, the face that has aged 9yrs since i really last looked at it, so much has changed because i gambled. I chose to give gambling a higher priority in my life than my family and myself!

I come here most days and secretly cheer everyone on, i don't post much on peoples diaries because i never really know what to say, but i feel every ounce of pain in everyones diaries, i feel the joy for those that have achieved a goal of 5,10, 100, 800+ days, i cry for those that are really having a hard time and have lost so much, everyone here has had their life effected by gambling and it makes me so angry! Please, listen to the advice, actually listen, don't bury your head in the sand like i did, don't become the person i did, don't wake up and look in the mirror and not recognise the face looking back at you.

On posting on others diaries, i'm not always sure what to say either, so i try to put myself in their shoes and be supportive as well as honest. Its a fine balance but i know how much encouragement i get when others support my diary. Don't sweat it, but give it a try 🙂

All is good today, my anger and frustration with myself has subsided and positivity is back to flowing normally.

I suppose I was trying to understand why I'm doing ok this time and not the first time and blaming myself for being so weak, I sat and thought that there is no difference to the person I was the first time to the person I am this time but there is a difference, I still had complete access to the bank, I was doing it on my own in secret, I didn't fully embrace that to make a change I have to change my actions/thoughts, I didn't give myself enough time to adapt to the challenges of urges as I usually caved in within minutes and I didn't really have any proper blocks in place. This time I have the support of my husband, I have no access to money, I know that I'm the one who has to be responsible for my actions and I can't blame anyone else, I know I can never gamble like a normal person, there are probably more things I could list but they all boil down to the same thing....I am a compulsive gambler, I accept I am a compulsive gambler. Sometimes I'm fine with this and sometimes I'm not, it makes me sad that I'll never be like a “normal” person when it comes to gambling but why it makes me sad I don't know, before I started gambling it wasn't something that factored in my life, I'd never played bingo, never played any slots of any kind, scratch cards and the lottery were something I did once in a blue moon.

I know I have missed out on so much with my kids and husband and I just hope that they understand that I'm sorry and although I can't promise to never do it again I do promise to try each and every day.

Thank you S, Julie and Tri for popping by, it is appreciated, I hope today is being kind to you all 🙂

Hi onlyme,

Thanks for your message. I hope that all is well and that you have a great weekend.

Best wishes

Dave

Morning, day 92, I am tired! My mini monster had me awake a few times last night (5 times!) and i'm in the land of "barely functioning" but he's happy and bouncing around as normal, currently trying to help me type so it's slow going lol.

I'm feeling pretty good today, we did some constructive shed demolishing yesterday, well the husband and kids did.....i watched from a distance as i've seen the size of the spiders that live in that thing! Today we're going to break up the pile of shed and do dump runs, I will make some more of my friends wedding blanket, the kids will play xbox and we'll have a nice roast for dinner. Not a very exciting day but a vey relaxed one and one that I will be part of as i'm not going to waste my time gambling today 🙂

I checked the bank account and budget sheet yesterday and was amazed at how much healthier it looks, no nasty gambling transactions on there and a little bit of money still in there, and it's 3 days before payday! it's not a lot but certainly more than we would have if I continued to gamble, I've told the husband that we should be back to normal bill wise in a few months so we can start saving for things we need to do round the house, so he sat and started making a list of what needs doing and then we're going to prioritise them in two seperate lists....an order of importance list and what he can fix list, i'm trying not to get too hung up on the fact that the roof needs re-doing before winter and it's going to cost a fortune and we can't afford it so it'll probably be a credit card that pays for that and i'll be balance juggling for a while but it's for a good reason instead of because i've messed up, i know if it's not done soon it'll cost even more and we'll risk damaging other properties with flying tiles in the winter wind, but it's ok just one of those things.

But it is nice to feel part of everything and to be making decisions about a future that doesn't seem anywhere near as bleak as it did, all because i chose not to gamble, my roof may come off but the sky hasn't fallen and the workd hasn't ended.

Hey only me thanks for posting on my diary the money thing does get me down but like you everymonth that goes by and those (nasty payday loans get repaid also hate seeing those on my bank statement as it's a reminder of the mess I've got myself into)things will feel better excited about doing normal stuff like holidays and letting my daughter do after school clubs (something I've dodged as I couldn't afford it)I also have savings jars everywhere it makes me feel better thanks for your support today dizzy x

Well the lists for the work that needs doing around the house has been put to one side and forgotten about, it was getting a bit longer then i was confortable with and i could feel myself panicking about the cost of it all and the lack of funds, so i spoke to the husband and explained how i was feeling and we've agreed that we get the roof done and paid off as that is the biggest priority and rebuild the garage door, we need someone in for the roof but husband says he can do the garage door (they're wooden ones that open in the middle), apparently it's just a bit at the bottom on each side and part of the frame and new hinges, with the hinges being the most expensive part!!!.....but once it's done then the garage is secure again. The rest we will not worry about and it'll get done when it gets done.

The husband is still signed off sick for his eye, he's got another 5 weeks minimum, goes back just as the kids break up lol, I think we're both looking forward to it to be honest, it's nice having him home but...well....he needs to go back before we both end up killing each other!

Other then that nothing exciting to report, just plodding along. Hope today is being kind to you all 🙂

Welcome to the Century Club 🙂

Next target 101 🙂

Total transparency is a barrier...Keep being open & honest with hubby! & try not to get worked up by the budget sheets...As you say, it will get paid/get done when it gets paid/gets done!

Hope hubby is well on his way to a full recovery & you are starting to accept he loves you for you!

Keep plodding - ODAAT