Striving for a new normal

I'm sitting in a car park waiting for mid kid to get out of school, I've left the youngest at home with the husband to get a bit of a break, I've been a little out of sorts since yesterday and I can't pin point why, I'm feeling restless and haven't been able to settle with anything, I got sent for a soak in the bath last night by the husband, he said I didn't seem quite right but he couldn't pin point it either. I popped in to chat last night, not because I wanted to chat, I just wanted to be where others understood me, it's as if I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. I can't really describe how I'm feeling, soft of jittery, as if I've had too much coffee, but I haven't, I'm not feeling particularly happy or sad, I'm feeling a little lost....as if I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what, I'm feeling frustrated with myself for not knowing what I'm feeling! I don't even know why I'm posting this, I think I'm wanting someone to label how I'm feeling so I can just get on with it :s

You're feeling kinda blah (cheers LB)...I know it but I can't tell you how to shake it 🙁 It will pass though!

Thanks ODAAT....I'm helping to remedy it with pjs and cake....buts it's ok as I did have salad for dinner 🙂

Me Too

onlyme wrote: I'm sitting in a car park waiting for mid kid to get out of school, I've left the youngest at home with the husband to get a bit of a break, I've been a little out of sorts since yesterday and I can't pin point why, I'm feeling restless and haven't been able to settle with anything, I got sent for a soak in the bath last night by the husband, he said I didn't seem quite right but he couldn't pin point it either. I popped in to chat last night, not because I wanted to chat, I just wanted to be where others understood me, it's as if I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. I can't really describe how I'm feeling, soft of jittery, as if I've had too much coffee, but I haven't, I'm not feeling particularly happy or sad, I'm feeling a little lost....as if I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what, I'm feeling frustrated with myself for not knowing what I'm feeling! I don't even know why I'm posting this, I think I'm wanting someone to label how I'm feeling so I can just get on with it :s

thanks onlyme for the support 🙂

Please never stop 🙂 Tri

Still here and still gamble free.....and still feeling jittery!

I have been busy the past few weeks with all the kids end of term stuff that's going on, my mid kid is leaving primary to start seconday school in september and there seems to be a ton of stuff he's involved in at the moment, I don't remember it being like this when the eldest went to secondary! Today and tomorrow he is at the secondary school having a kind of taster session, and I'm worried for him, that is adding immensely to my jitteryness. I know it'll all turn out fine in the end and I have to just "go with it" but boy does it make me feel uncomfortable. I'm trying to work through everything one at a time but it feels like as soon as one thing is done and sorted another 3 takes its place, I'm trying not to allow myself to feel too swamped with everything and to give myself space but I know nothing will get done unless I do it. It's just adjusting to the normal stress and strains of everyday life without using gambling as a form to escape. Oh well, breathe and get off my rear and get the next thing started!

Hope today is being kind to you all.

onlyme wrote:

Still here and still gamble free.....and still feeling jittery!

I have been busy the past few weeks with all the kids end of term stuff that's going on, my mid kid is leaving primary to start seconday school in september and there seems to be a ton of stuff he's involved in at the moment, I don't remember it being like this when the eldest went to secondary! Today and tomorrow he is at the secondary school having a kind of taster session, and I'm worried for him, that is adding immensely to my jitteryness. I know it'll all turn out fine in the end and I have to just "go with it" but boy does it make me feel uncomfortable. I'm trying to work through everything one at a time but it feels like as soon as one thing is done and sorted another 3 takes its place, I'm trying not to allow myself to feel too swamped with everything and to give myself space but I know nothing will get done unless I do it. It's just adjusting to the normal stress and strains of everyday life without using gambling as a form to escape. Oh well, breathe and get off my rear and get the next thing started!

Hope today is being kind to you all.

Hi Onlyme, Did you come through the school experience? Were you able to "go with it"? Tri

Been very busy the past few weeks, haven't seemed to have much time to do anything, we've had mid kids prom, big kid has had 2 school performances, mid kid has had 2 taster day at his secondary school, been organising mid kids outfit for his 2 performances this week, little demon has been ill yet again!

Husband is still off, he has a check up tuesday so hopefully we'll know more of what's happening with him, he's signed off till the end of the week and he's hoping they say the majority of his vision can now be corrected with glasses and he can go back to work...he's very lucky to have a job with 6 months full pay sick pay, however he gets a "perk" in his wages every month and they've removed that as he's not there....that's fine, no issues with that and completely understand why etc....but after tax we've lost nearly £300 so kinda need him back at work......it'll all sort itself out, bills are paid and food in the cupboard...everything else can wait. Hubbys manager popped over (I say popped over but he had a 5hr round trip journey, gave him a day out the office so he's not complaining lol) first time I've met him and I've told the hubby he can pop over any time he likes as he came bearing gifts.....flowers and chocolates.....I'll ignore the fact he left the toilet seat up!

We've been having some lovely conversations with the tax man.....hubby changed job last year, new job comes with a company car but for the first 6months he had two different hire cars, we kept the tax man informed so he was paying the correct tax however due to day he's paid/day he got the hire cars/notification time to taxman then to payroll etc....he ended up owing tax, this is fine and we were expecting this, their computer system wanted to back date every car change back to the start of the tax year so they put a block on it and it was left to be sorted at the end of the tax year......all well and good until they issued new tax code based on an estimation of £600 owing, meant £50 extra taken every month, hubby phoned them and they said they'll leave it with the new code until they've received all the information from new job and old job.....middle of June we have all the information so hubby phones them up and they say "ok, you only actually owed £300, half the amount we originally thought", hubby says he want to pay it off (sold some stuff from clearing garage out that we put aside to pay this), so they said he had to pay it all as they can't take in to equation the extra he has already paid in tax until the end of this tax year, it has to be via check as too much to be taken over the phone, so by the time they've sent out the form and we've sent back the check the hubby has been paid again....so we've had 4 pay months of paying too much so should get £200 back at the end.....cheers tax man!

But on a more positive note we've re-arranged our tv and broadband to be on a combined contract and will be having a small saving each month, the gas and electric are being swapped to a different supplier and it'll be another small saving...but add both of those to the saving from our mobiles now being out of contract and it's not too shabby....hubby has been looking at shifting our mortgage but it's a bit awkward with the debt we have...one of those things that can be blamed on me, although he hasn't.

With all that's going on I've been very up and down and just been trying to "go with it", so far it's working but some days haven't exactly been easy, I've had some urges but when they've happened I've just stopped what I'm doing and moved on to something else...sometimes this has helped, sometimes it hasn't, when it hasn't I've kept moving on to something else in the vague attempt I'll eventually forget. There's been some talk of me selling the stuff I crochet, and although part of me thinks this is a good idea, I'm feeling very daunted by it all, I've analysed my feelings about it and know it all boils down to a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities, I know I should just get on and do it but it's easier said than done, my husband has tried to keep the pressure off and said he doesn't expect me to be able to fully fund the family budget and to just think of it as a clear out, like him with the garage, and if it can cover the material cost then that's brilliant as it'll mean there's money to pay for more stuff when I finally run out....it's sensible, I know it is but it makes me panic.....I'm going to stop now as I'm just waffling and my head needs a break, I don't think it helps that I didn't do my normal "week round up" last weekend, I'll try and pop back later to finish off, but the main thing is I'm still here and gamble free.

If you've made it this far you deserve a medal!

Hope today is being kind to you all.

Well I never made it back after last weeks post to post some more, but i have popped on to read.

Nothing really to report this week, the hubby had his check up and was basically told the sight he has now is what he will keep, there may be a little improvement over the next 12mths but it will only be a little, he's been to the opticians to see if there's anything they can do to help and he's now getting glasses with prisims, they can bring the vision together, not completely but enough to make it more manageable......so not exactly what we wanted to hear, but now we just have to get on with it.....on the bright side one of the school mums had this issue with her husband last week and she sent him straight to the specialist hospital, after all the chatting we've done she was aware of the signs and the process, and he's expected to make a complete recovery with 100% of his eyesight kept as he got there early enough.....I'm really pleased for them both but can't help but gutted for us and feel so let down!

The kids are now all finished at school, we have nothing planned but I have told them they need to sort out their pigsty of a bedroom.....they'll probably try and drag it out for the whole holidays....providing I don't get in there with a black sack first!

My jitteryness seems to be subsiding, I'm just spending most of my time ignoring it as best I can...not always in the best of moods either but just getting on with it i suppose. Nothing seems to be changing, and i am trying, but i'm starting to realise i can't be to blame for everything, there are things that have made me unhappy and i've tried to fix them but i can't fix the actions of others, i can only fix myself and my actions.

nothing to report's never a bad thing. Was life spent gambling ever dull? I appreciate the simplicity of recovery life. Great to hear from you. Tri xx

Hey Tri, I'm actually loving having nothing to report 🙂

Answering your question honestly.....my life gambling was dull! We didn't do anything because I had generally spent too much, if we did go anywhere I was constantly clock watching, wondering when an acceptable amount of time had passed so that I could get home to my "prescious slots". I wasn't really "there" for my kids...they were fed, watered, clothed and clean but I didn't pay much attention to them.....that sounds awful but it's the truth...it was the same with my husband....but i also constantly lied to him. It wasn't living....it was barely existing!

Now.....my life is full of laughter, tears, fun and sadness and everything inbetween. I would say that I'm completely honest with my husband now, but that would be a lie....I'm honest when it comes to the financial side, he can check the bank without me having that awful sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm honest when it comes to how I'm feeling about gambling. I'm not completelly honest about how I feel about him and his actions/our life/my life and my actions...but I'm still trying to work it all out.....after so many years of shutting myself off from everything there is a lot to work through....but I'll get there...he knows I love him and he's happy with that for now.

I wouldn't say my life is perfect now, but it's better.....I'm not perfect but I'm better than what I was....my life is full of the normal "dull" aspects of life, not the dull, emptyness of gambling....and It's good!

Brought a genuine smile to my face reading that. thanks for sharing it. SIR (Soldiers In Recovery) Tri xx

Got family around today and its sunny so there are always positives. I am very tired though but i might try and counter this with a bowl of ice cream. Better than gambling any day!

onlyme wrote:

Well I never made it back after last weeks post to post some more, but i have popped on to read.

Nothing really to report this week, the hubby had his check up and was basically told the sight he has now is what he will keep, there may be a little improvement over the next 12mths but it will only be a little, he's been to the opticians to see if there's anything they can do to help and he's now getting glasses with prisims, they can bring the vision together, not completely but enough to make it more manageable......so not exactly what we wanted to hear, but now we just have to get on with it.....on the bright side one of the school mums had this issue with her husband last week and she sent him straight to the specialist hospital, after all the chatting we've done she was aware of the signs and the process, and he's expected to make a complete recovery with 100% of his eyesight kept as he got there early enough.....I'm really pleased for them both but can't help but gutted for us and feel so let down!

The kids are now all finished at school, we have nothing planned but I have told them they need to sort out their pigsty of a bedroom.....they'll probably try and drag it out for the whole holidays....providing I don't get in there with a black sack first!

My jitteryness seems to be subsiding, I'm just spending most of my time ignoring it as best I can...not always in the best of moods either but just getting on with it i suppose. Nothing seems to be changing, and i am trying, but i'm starting to realise i can't be to blame for everything, there are things that have made me unhappy and i've tried to fix them but i can't fix the actions of others, i can only fix myself and my actions.

No one getting too bored over the holidays? Stay safe onlyme 🙂

Another busy week, thought I'd better post quick before the gymnastics starts again, the only Olympic event I follow...and I only follow it in the Olympics.

The hubby has a phased return to work starting Tuesday, going to be strange without him under my feet but also looking forward to it, him and his dad did more of the roof yesterday and will hopefully finishing it off next week. This week I managed to convince him to take the side of the bath off.....there was damp appearing at the top and bottom corners....turns out the pipes are leaking and has spread under the lino to the skirting board on opposite side of the bathroom! He's going to sort the pipes out this week and we'll redo the rest of it gradually...got to somehow dry the floor out. I keep repeating to myself "it'll be fine, just tackle one thing at a time". So far that's working but I have kept myself from the internet just to be even safer and said to the hubby most days this past week not to let me if I ask....I haven't asked but have been tempted a few times...again it's another time I feel thankful for not having a bank card. Right, I'm off to drop in on Tri (thank you for popping by, much appreciated) make a quick coffee and enjoy some gymnastics while the little one is napping, hope today is being good to all 🙂