Striving for a new normal

Enjoy the Olympic games onlyme. Can't buy peace and quiet. Well you can, but 🙂 Thanks for the continuing support. Its very much appreciated by me too but i accept you're battle between being on / off line. Till next time. Tri x

Well the gymnastics has been fun to watch, just a few more finals to go then it's done, i have enjoyed watching it.

Life is just ticking on, hubby went back to work tuesday and although it was nice it was also extremely hard......i had to parent on my own.....i had forgotten how tiring and frustrating it is when there's only one of you running round after a 2yr old, I swear i didn't drink, eat or pee till lunch time....the most challenging part was clearing up after the dog so we could go in the garden, especially as the 2yr old has mastered how to open all the baby gates (4 different kinds) in the house so no where is safe, I'm so thankful we do it daily so it literally only takes 2mins to do.....however my afternoon was the complete opposite of the morning....lovely, calm and relaxed, we watched a film, i drank some coffee and we had a kick about of the ball in the garden....no frantic running from room to room, indoors to outside, opening every door and draw within reach or climbing on the window sills! We've all got so used to the hubby being home that it'll take a while to readjust.....thursday definitely went much smoother by comparison.

I would say that the other 2 weren't that bad as toddlers....but they were, it's just that time makes you forget, it wears away the rough edges of the memory and dulls the colours of the image in our minds.....and it does the same with gambling too!

I'm now 5mths in to my journey and although i have good and bad days and i do remember how bad my addiction was, how painful and soul destroying it was.....it doesn't feel as bad as it did. I can't quite make up my mind whether this is a good or bad thing, I don't want to forget how I felt I was going insane, how I was killing myself inside everytime I deposited money, how i would spent nights not sleeping worrying about how i was going to hide the latest damage from the husband, how i would plant a smile on my face for show but would be dying inside....I don't want to forget any of it because I don't want to take the chance of turning in to that person again.....but I don't want to punish myself for the rest of my life, i want to move on and be different, be happy and able to enjoy my life without second guessing every thought, without reading more in to my actions than there is, be able to have a debit card like "normal" people, be able to watch an advert without having an arguement in my head over whether i should find the music enjoyable or not. But then I know I can't do any of the above as I am and always will be a complusive gambler, I can't ever live a normal life like someone who has never struggled with gambling.

I know it's just me overthinking everything because i'm worrying about becoming complacent, because i'm having more days of forgetting the pain of gambling and because I'm starting to look forward to a "normal" life....well, as normal as a compulsive gambler can be.

Ok, now the brain needs a rest lol. I hope today is being kind to all 🙂

Sounds worse than the series Prison Break lol

Life as a recovering gambler can be pretty good just as long as I don't forget and keep learning those lessons. That's what's got me into trouble in the past.

Didn't get the bed I wanted so its more bed shops, groan. I like shopping but not pointless shopping. Anyway might see if I can reserve any order next time.

Today is a rest day. In the garden with the buckets of water and turning my brain off too (if that's possible) Tri

Thanks the the message on my diary, much appreciated.

Bed shopping will now be this weekend if it goes to plan. harder than you realise isn't it finding one that suits all. Loved your point though on appreciating what you have, yes the couch is a reminder of many things 🙂

Busy day today but looking forward to a slow cooked bacon bone soup when we get in tonight. Heaven with some fresh bread and butter!!! Sure there will be ice cream for pudding - i 'll force myself!

I have found some time to post....yay!

After 3 weeks of the hubby being back at work I have managed to lose half a stone in weight, might have something to do with walking from the house to the garden and back again a million times a day following the little man around, we do this for about 4hrs every morning, then he has an hrs nap and I frantically try and get some housework done, then he wakes and I start again, sometimes I'm lucky and can convince him to play for a while and sometimes I'm not.......and bedtime has now turned in to nearly 2hrs of walking from one end of the bungalow and back to put him back in to bed, regardless of what time he goes to bed.....it's tiring but I know it won't last long and the best bit is he has managed to do it all in "stealth mode" so we don't know he's there until he chuckles.....which is kinda cute and also something the other two haven't mastered yet lol.

Life is just ticking on, a not very balanced mix of crazy and peaceful but it's ok. The hubby and I have tried to actually sit and talk but it hasn't been very successful, not surprising with 3 kids of various ages, but when we do we end up getting it wrong and generally end up screaming at each other, too many hurtful things are being said and once spoken they can't be unsaid. But it's ok, I'm not burying my head in the sand anymore, I'm not using gambling to run from it and it is something I will sort out. It's amazing how much clearer you can think once the gambling fog goes away. I've spent too long letting gambling run my life, used it to stop me from facing my future and dealing with my past. But no more.....my head is well and truly out of the sand!

thanks for the drop by on my diary. glad you've got the i-cream situation sorted!!! very important lol

thanks for the drop by on my diary. glad you've got the i-cream situation sorted!!! very important lol

Another busy week done, my mid kid started sedcondary school yesterday, I spent the day worrying about nothing....he was absolutely fine and loved it! Roll on monday morning when the oldest goes back, then it's just me and the little one, after spending the past 12yrs getting up and taking/collecting at least one of them for school it's weird not having to do that now.....but give it a few months and the youngest will be at playschool and the cycle can begin again.

At the moment the gambling side of things seems relatively easy, the urges are very rare, but i know a lot of that is because i can't physically access money, we have spoken about me getting a new card but at the moment i'm just not interested and don't trust myself, it is a bit of a pain at times but it works so i'm not going to change it until i feel really ready.

I don't bother with blocking software anymore, there's no point when you can't access money, with the router we have we have the settings for 13yrs and that blocks a lot of the adult stuff, to be honest i don't actually know if it blocks gambling sites as i've never actually tried....and i don't intend to. I am not fixed, I've barely even scratched the surface, however I am not gambling so that's a positive...to be honest I don't know if i want to invest myself into figuring it all out fully or whether i carry on as i am...do i risk relapse if i carry on? what do i have to lose by trying to figure it all out?....nothing but time and sleep i suppose.

Hopefully back to ponder more later....my household is starting to wake and peace is running away lol.

Hope today is kind to all.

Just a quick drop by today. So hubby been away this week, both big kids back at school, youngest has kept me very busy all week.....and someone has kindly given me a stomach bug, thankfully it started yesterday so only had to manage the day before hubby came back, today has been slow but productive, slowly working my way round the kitchen clearing and cleaning cupboards out.

Gambling wise everything has been fine, no urges, but I've not had the time so that's helped, this morning I received a "come join us" email, apparently I've signed up to receive their emails....hmmm......so tried the unsubscribe button....wouldn't work but funnily enough the join button would! So I fired off an email to them telling them I'm a compulsive gambler, please don't send me emails and how disgusted I was that the unsubscribe button wouldn't work but the join one does and how it doesn't do a lot to promote responsible gambling. Don't know if it'll help or not but made me feel a little better..oh and the email got filed in the junk folder and promptly deleted, and no I didn't actually sign up 🙂

Hope today is being kind to all 🙂

Wasn't that kind of them to give a stomach bug :(( Sorry to hear that and that you'll feel better soon .

Regarding the email , perhaps think about giving the gambling commision a ring , the companies are duty bound to promote responsible gambling and even if they recieve a small Boll0.king it will make you get over that stomache bug much quicker I'm sure :))

Power to CG's in recovery , LOL !

Wishing you a happy and gamble free weekend

Alan

onlyme wrote:

Just a quick drop by today. So hubby been away this week, both big kids back at school, youngest has kept me very busy all week.....and someone has kindly given me a stomach bug, thankfully it started yesterday so only had to manage the day before hubby came back, today has been slow but productive, slowly working my way round the kitchen clearing and cleaning cupboards out.

Gambling wise everything has been fine, no urges, but I've not had the time so that's helped, this morning I received a "come join us" email, apparently I've signed up to receive their emails....hmmm......so tried the unsubscribe button....wouldn't work but funnily enough the join button would! So I fired off an email to them telling them I'm a compulsive gambler, please don't send me emails and how disgusted I was that the unsubscribe button wouldn't work but the join one does and how it doesn't do a lot to promote responsible gambling. Don't know if it'll help or not but made me feel a little better..oh and the email got filed in the junk folder and promptly deleted, and no I didn't actually sign up 🙂

Hope today is being kind to all 🙂

Hi onlyme, good to hear from you. Glad kids are back in school and order is coming back into your world. Keep up with your recovery too. Way to easy for this addiction to get a grip again. Tri x

It's been an eventful week this week, I sat down last sunday evening to write my weekly post (which has become a bit awkward of late) and just as I was getting to the end my laptop did the dreaded "blue screen of death!" It didn't recover very well and ended up with a complete reformat, which has taken me the whole week to do with the loading of all the programs etc....I do back up all personal files to a separate hard drive but I don't bother with normal programs as they're easily reloaded...just takes time which I'm a bit lacking in at the moment. So now I have a fully functioning laptop and am trying to write this while playing cars with the youngest...it's nice but not exactly the easist thing to do, I'm managing to type a word or two then stop again so the train of thought isn't working very well but the boy is happy so all is right in the world 🙂

I was about to say that it's hard juggling recovery and family and to an extent it is but then there comes a point when the youngest goes to sleep and I'm free to post then...however I am selfish and don't want to post at 9pm after running round all day, I want to sit and relax and just stop, does this mean I'm not as fully invested in my recovery as others who post more often? Am I not giving myself the best possible chance? I do not attend GA, my local one is about an hours drive away and I do not have anyone to leave my children with while I go, my husband may or may not be home from work, depending on traffic and whether he's actually here or away. Sometimes it does make me wonder, sometimes I'm happy with the way things are and sometimes I feel I could do more, I try not to worry about it too much as I see the gf days increasing so I know I'm doing something right but I know I could always do more.

Oh well, time to clear the pile of cars off the table and feed the kids, hope today is being kind to all 🙂

Hi onlyme, i watch your recovery with interest. I see you trying and struggling at the same time. Its a hard balance to make isn't it? Seems like you think your winning right now? Keep being honest with yourself. Tri

Well done nearly 200 days

Thanks MichaelS....and Tri, you really do ask questions that make me think lol

Honestly....no, I don't feel like I'm winning at the moment, the only thing I'm not doing is gambling and that is down to a lack of access to money, I know most days that if I had a card back then I would use it.....however I'm perfectly safe with money in my purse. I can honestly say I haven't gambled in 199 days but I have thought about it, the thought of eventually getting a bank card back freaks the hell out of me, I know I would be back online in a heartbeat!. I don't want to do the whole doom and gloom diary as when I read other peoples diaries and read their happiness, acceptance and joy at being able to move on and how happy their lives are it makes me feel bad that I don't really feel that, I try and post happy things so that if anyone new reads it they can think of the positives of not gambling....don't get me wrong, it is better to be a non gambler than a gambler, there are postiives to it...honest....but for me at the moment I don't see or feel them. I know a lot of my issues need the assistance of counselling but the husband doesn't think I need it and therefore won't discuss it and I don't have anyone I can ask to have the mini demon on a regular occurance, my mother in law won't even have him so I can get a Dr's appointment booked to have a mole looked at! Yes I can take him with me but he's two...he is a handful, my house is like a prison as he tries to constantly escape and will even try to climb out windows...I joke that he's my nightmare baby but deep down it's not a joke, he is hard work. My mother is as unreliable as the English weather and my two closest friends have their own lives to sort out without having to try and help me out. The initial "me time" (aka soak in the bath) lasted a few weeks then the husband decided I was over it and life moved on. If I sit and think about everything I've gone through it honestly breaks me and I don't know how to move past it all, hence I know I need the counselling...but I also know there are many people who have had it far, far worse than me and they get up everyday and just get on with it which in turn makes me feel even more worse that I'm so weak and pathetic...it's just never ending.

So, I get up, plaster a smile on my face and get on with my day as best I can, safe in the knowledge that I can't spend a single penny, waiting for something to either "click" or break completely....but it's all good as tomorrow is 200 days 🙂