Striving for a new normal

onlyme wrote:

Been plodding on sorting, clearing, cleaning and organising....managed to sort through most of the paper work and halve the pile, only a little left to do. It feels good to be clearing out all the crud we don't need, I'm slowly getting everything back under control and it feels a little scary (which sounds really stupid i know!) but it also feels good.

Still don't have much to say but I am still here reading most days for a few mins at a time, I've had a few urges but nothing I haven't been able to work past, if it's a nice easy (I use those terms loosely) one then I distract myself with something until it passes and tell the hubby in the evening when he's home, if it's a stronger one then I generally phone him and tell him and we chat for a few mins but he makes a point of checking back in with me half hr or so later to see how i'm doing.

I'm walking an average of 2miles a day with the little one....regardless of the weather! After the storm the other week we went out on the sunday morning (leaving the others indoors), both wearing wellies, and really made the most of the fabulous puddles that were in our road.....30mins later we were soaked through, only saw one other person (who was having a good chuckle at us) and felt slightly sad that I couldn't encourage the others to come out with us, I can forgive the oldest as he had had an operation on both feet 4 day previously but I'm sure the mid kid and hubby would've enjoyed themselves.

I really do like this time of year, I like wearing jumpers and scarves, big warm coats, the cold in the morning and the rain, I like listening to the wind during the night, I like sitting on the floor doing puzzles and suddenly the youngest jumping up and pointing at the clouds and declaring it's a dinosaur. I feel like I'm starting to wake up.

thanks for the post onlyme. appreciated. tri

I hope everyone's had a good long weekend.

Been busy and stressed, some days better than others, fortunately there's more good days than bad but when the bad days hit it's been awful, today is a bad day. It's not so much the urges, they seem mild and manageable, any dodgy emails get sent straight to spam, dodgy post gets filed to be "returned to sender"....the youngest loves posting letters in the post box, our internet providers parental controls are set to the highest level....I don't honestly know if they work as I haven't attemped it.

My bad days consist of telling myself how c*** a parent I am, how much I've neglected my kids and their basic needs over the years, I've tried to kid myself they haven't suffered as the bills have been paid, there's a roof over their head, always food on the table etc...but i have neglected them, I haven't been able to get on top of my sons eczema because I haven't put the effort in, I've done the whole reading/spelling/counting/colouring and they are fine in that department but I haven't made the effort in the school projects, clubs and normal after school socialising, we celebrate christmas but apart from the tree/decorations/presents and food I've never taken them to christingle, done the whole reindeer food and fake santa footprints or the letters to santa, they've just written a list of what they've wanted, technology wise they are miles behind everyone and I'm so out of the loop on what's the coolest game. I'm trying so hard to do everything, to be a better mother and wife, to know what's going on in my kids lives, to support my husband with work, to teach the youngest his ABC's and to make sure everyone is happy but it's a constant struggle and I feel like i'm failing at it all, as soon as I manage to do one thing another 3 or 4 things pop up to slap in me the face and scream at me "why didn't you deal with this sooner????" And now I have to face a dentist and tell them I'm an awful parent and I've neglected my kids and I feel sick to my stomach and I could list excuse after excuse (and some of them are valid) but I know it's not enough, I know whatever I say will never be enough to alter how completely absent and uncaring I have been and yes they may have had food and a roof but they didn't have me doing what I shouldn've been doing, they didn't have me behind them in their corner supporting them and looking after them or loving them as I should've done, and my kids truly are amazing and the best thing ever and I am so proud of them but I really don't deserve them and no amount of sorry's will ever make up for what I did, the only thing I can do is make sure I never go back to who I was, keep trying every day to be better. Gambling isn't just money and it doesn't just effect the person doing it, it effects everyone....and they sure as hell don't deserve a life like that!

Onlyme....give yourself a break. You are doing your best...you won't be perfect, no parent is. You will make mistakes. As long as you tell your kids you are proud of them, and they know they are loved...you won't go far wrong. And sometimes you just have to say, sorry, mum got this wrong. It's a valuable lesson to teach our children, that it is ok to make a mistake. Going puddling, sitting colouring, having a son with the imagination to see dinosaurs and the confidence to voice the thought...sounds like you are doing a good job to me.

Happy Spartans day onlyme
Keep smashing them days in.

Deano

Thanks Rhoda, it was just one of those bad days where everything seems s*** no matter what way you look at it...but never mind, can't have it all shiny and perfect every day 🙂

Thanks Dean0 🙂 silly question but where does "spartans day" come from?

Well, it's been a while, life is just ticking on with the normal stuff....kids, housework, hubby, dog and crochet. I got given some money at christmas and knew instantly what to do with it......I paid for 3mths of a slimming club and brought some more yarn in the sales(...half price yay!!!!), I need to lose some weight and get a bit (lot) healthier, we tend to eat 50/50 so not completely rubbish but definitely a lot of room for improvement, I need the motivation of being accountable for my gains/loses (a bit like here really, I check in on the 2017 challenge, previously 2016, and it helps me) so Monday night myself and a neighbour took ourselves off and joined up. It's given me some new stuff to keep occupied with....meal/shopping planning, checking what I'm eating...and having to actually sit and eat 3 meals a day as opposed to the normal 1...I will admit breakfast this week has been a struggle but like with being gf, it's something I will get used to and will become a part of normal daily life.

My biggest saviour in remaining gf has been crochet, I have made sure I've always got a project on the go and generally plan what the next is before I finsh the current one, I use cheap acrylic (apart from what my husband brought me for my birthday last year) and have kept myself entertained for the whole year on less than a months gambling money....so happy bank, happy husband, happy me and happy people being given gifts.

My little demon started playschool last week and I didn't miss him, I throughly enjoyed the peace and quiet in the house and got on with the housework without having to worry if someone was trying to do something he shouldn't be, the dog was a bit confused but enjoyed a snooze on the sofa without someone climbing on him....I went and picked him up feeling rested, calm and happy to see him....it's ok, my little slice of prefection didn't last long......cue the biggest tantrum ever!!!! He didn't want to leave and made sure everyone within a 100mile radius knew it. Another mother, who had just dropped her child off, decided to try and be helpful and proceeded to tell me how her children had never behaved like that as their daddy had told them to be good for their mum and maybe I should phone his dad and get him to tell him to behave...and how I shouldn't give in to his tantrums or that will make him worse...completely ignoring the fact that I wasn't taking him back to playschool so therefore was not giving in to him. He's still 2, tantrums are what they do, he will get over it and life will go on...but it's a lot easier to deal with when you haven't got someone pointing out how rubbish you are. Anyway, she decided I couldn't cope with him on my own so walked half way home with me.....oh yay! This week in my determination to avoid her I took the car to pick him up...it didn't work...she waited for me and walked back to the car with me. I can see this whole playschool experience is going to be a long one...she was only trying to be nice but it wasn't really a good time and me being the polite person that I am will not tell her to "do one".

But it's all part of life, we will get thrown challenges, there are ups and downs, some things we can control but others we can't...but either way we have to deal with it, and it's how we deal with it that matters.....and I refuse to deal with it by gambling!

A quick drop by......my house is quiet!!!!

The hubby is chopping potatoes for dinner, the older two are in their room being nice to each other, the dog is sleeping on the sofa and the youngest is munching a carrot playing with dinosaurs. And me...well I came for a quick read before going to assist with dinner.

Everything is pretty good at the moment, yes there are lots of things that could be better but what I actually have isn't bad at all.....I kinda like it lol.

Hope today is being kind to all.

hiya onlyme, good to see your day has been better, and gf.

Hiya Onlyme, I don't know whether I should be posting here or on your diary...the comments subsequent to your comment about Tri reducing his posts, referred to someone who had been rude to Tri on another thread....and as mine was the first I am sorry if I did not make that clear and it has caused you upset. In fact, will copy this onto your diary too. Once again, sorry.

Thank you for clearing that up for me Rhoda, I've posted apologies everywhere.

I was not aware of what had previously been said so thought that the following comments were regarding my post, I am really sorry for misunderstanding and I thank you for clearing it up for me.

I was worried that I had caused offence with my post, I know a lot of that stems from my lack of confidence in myself, my recovery and my ability to communicate to others effectively, it is one of the reasons why I rarely post to others...I struggle to write something to someone that I feel would help them, I write something and normally end up re-reading, tweaking, re-reading then deleting because I feel my post isn't a suitable response. Due to this I assumed the intentions in my post had been misunderstood however it was me that was misunderstanding all the following comments...so I'm sorry, I'm sorry for getting it wrong and hope I haven't caused any issues.

Hey don't be daft Onlyme...we all get things wrong sometimes...it is so easy to misunderstand the written word. You are doing great...be kind to yourself 🙂

Still plodding on.

I joined the slimming club and have been exercising, I'm making an effort to do more positive things for me and us as a family. The weight loss is slow but there hasn't been a major shift in the things we eat...just more of them. The exercise is hard but that's to be expected. The gf days are stacking up nicely.

I had an urge during the week, we were watching a program and during the middle of it it focused on gambling, que lots of fake smiley, happy happy people....but it did make me think briefly...so I turned it off! And then reminded myself of how it's made me feel, the stomach churning fear of the husband seeing the bank account, the sleepless nights worrying, the dead inside feeling as everything starts to shut off from normal feelings, the inability of being able to function normally as constantly distracted....yeah that's a good one to experience at parents evening!

The more I focus on living a "normal" life the less time I find I have, and the time I do have I make sure is filled with stuff i want/need to do. The kids are off now for half term, the husband has decided to take the week off to, everyone is full of cold, and the aim is to clear some more junk out of the garage and some serious carpet cleaning and hopefully a day out if everyone is feeling up to it.

Well had an appointment with the mortgage company this week, wanted to fix our mortgage for another 5yrs at a slightly lower rate than what we're paying now, so we will have the stability of knowing what we have going out every month without having to worry about the interest rates rising....we've had confirmation texts and a letter so as far as I know we've been accepted no problem but I won't believe it until the first payment goes out (we have been with them 7yrs and haven't defaulted on any payment and spent the first 5yrs paying double the interest we're currently paying!)...the money we'll be saving on the mortgage I will be paying towards our loan. which will shave 9mths off the term of that, then next year i will be paying extra off the loan as and when I can to clear it quicker, this year I will focus on paying off the cc which is currently interest free, if we're really careful and stick to budget then I can clear it at the start of summer.

Finally I feel as if I can breathe a bit, everything is all starting to fall in to place nicely but i can't help but feel a bit apprehensive...my life is normally full of stress of one sort or another and I generally do a brilliant job of making it worse so i feel as if i'm waiting for me to mess it up again...but I'm not going to, I'm not going back to who I was when the person I am slowly becoming is so much better.....I have more patience with my children, I talk to my husband, I sing in the car and I give the youngest "horsey" rides, I am starting to look after myself with better eating and exercise....I have a long way to go with everything, my life isn't perfect but it is definitely 1000% better than what it was. I am glad I finally woke up and took back control of my life and stopped wallowing in the gambling haze...my only wish is I had done it years sooner, but I cannot change the past, I can only make my future what I want it to be..and I choose gamble free!

Hope today is being kind to all.....the sky will not fall and the world will not end 🙂

Hiya Onlyme...you have come so far...you sound so much more content, I am so happy for you. Now two questions, neither gambling related, first one, what was the blanket like you crocheted for a wedding present...do you have a pattern link, and the second, what was Tri's ice cream recipe? For these normal, non gambling things...these are what make life worthwhile x

I want to say I've been very busy and haven't had time to stop....but that's a lie....the time I've had I've been looking in to how this stupid diet plan/healthy eating plan (whatever you want to call it) works. For some reason I'm not pulling in the lbs lost like they want me to even though I'm eating 3 meals and snacks consisting on the recommended foods, I don't think they've grasped the concept that I've gone from living on coffee all day and eating a dinner followed a few hours later by a family sized bag of crisps to eating sensibly and consistently and have increased my physical activity and all these things will throw my body in to turmoil...I went into this with the attitude that my body will do what it wants when it wants and as long as I stick with it then it'll all fall in to place however I'm finding them focusing on the fact my loss it very slow (we're talking 1/2lb a week) is starting to stress me out, they haven't thought "oh hang on she's lost 18.5inches so something must be happening, she's doing something right" instead they're constantly asking if I'm snacking on the kids left overs/crisps etc (I'm not, I'm logging all my food to make sure I'm doing it right)...I even sat and contemplated quitting the exercise just to give them a number they'd be happy with....but I don't want to quit, I love the exercise, it makes me feel strong and gives me a buzz that lasts all day and helps me sleep so much better at night....however I also don't want to quit going to the group either, it's nice to get out of the house for an hour once a week without the children and actually do something for me but it also benefits us all at the same time too.

So I will have a word with the person in charge Monday and tell her I don't care about the number, it will come off when it's good and ready, I may not be able to pull off 3lbs a week but I haven't put any on yet either (I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one lol)...my 1/2lb may be small but it's consistent and achievable and will add up.

After 363 days gf I've learnt that I can't keep quitting on myself, I can't give something a few weeks to see if it works and then throw a paddy and blow it all when I haven't seen the results that I want to see (or think I should see), I've learnt that it's all baby steps and I have to put the effort in, no one else can do it for me, I have to do it for myself. I have to be consistent with my efforts and have a little faith in myself.......I am not a "nobody", a waste of space, a tool to be used and thrown away, I am not the floor to be walked on...I am human, I am a wife and mother but I am also ME.....I do not quit on my husband and children so I will not quit on me because I am just as important as they are.

Thanks for the hug 🙂 Right if you are doing exercise that will be putting on muscle, which weighs heavy....so you will be losing fat if you are not showing any weight gain. Keep in the zone of eating healthily...it is best for you...wish I could get into it at the moment, I am trying but not having much success. My only consolation is I am not being as unhealthy as I was. You are right, you are just as important as them!