A bit about me and why I am like I am. Since I was a little girl gambling has always been an aspect of my life. Even at the age of 8 I was playing cards with my family for coppers and such like. My father owns a pub and at the age of 15 was down drinking and playing slot machines. I had a part time job in a local pizza place earning very little but even at that time would spend what I got in the slot machines.
By the age of 20 I was still playing slot machines, lottery and now poker. I used to spend hours down the pub with others playing, winning and loosing. I went to university and somehow even with the continued gambling managed to pass my degree and become a teacher.
When I was 25 I went online, poker and slots were my game. From then until now (35) I have spent goodness knows how many thousands on and off. I have ranged from £100-£1500 in one night.
I have two beautiful girls and a very loving husband; I have known for quite some time of my addiction but have never seriously wanted to overcome it. As with all serious gamblers it has to come to a very serious head before we do anything to beat it. That head has now come for me, my husband can no longer deal with this issue and I must beat it! The longest I have gone without betting is 9 months, I know deep down I need support but have a big problem asking for it. I have like thousands of others retreated into myself and now have a massive confidence issue. I do not express my emotions but feel them deeply.
I am currently on day two of my struggle, luckily I do not have access to sites as me and my husband put K9 blocker on. This was a very wise thing to do as I can assure you I would be on the slots as we speak the way I am feeling. Every time I close my eyes I can see the wheels spin, I keep looking at my two girls and saying Amanda get a grip they deserve so much better as well as my husband. I know my struggle will be long and hard which I am going to have to fight daily. In a strange way though this site is really helping, it is a bit like a life line for me at this early stage. I am reading all messages and gaining knowledge I am not alone in this madness. Any way day two and I plan to win, by NOT gambling!
Hi Amanda,
Welcome to this supportive site and well done for making the first steps towards better future.
You are very intelligent lady and really know what you want from your life. Recovery is bespoke and as i see you already took action and put blocks on your computer. I have it too, and is huge help some days.
Recovery is full of ups and downs, but only you can make that choice and stay on the straight and narrow. This site is huge help, keep reading and writing on your own diary. We all in the same boat and understand each other.
Take it day at a time.
Well done for coming here and starting the journey to better yourself and ur loved ones lives. It can be done, and you are no exception. You are worth all the good things in your life.
I shall follow your progress in your journey and wish you all the best.
Take care
Sandra
Thank you Sandra for your very caring response. I will be taking a day at a time and keeping my children very close to me. Have to admit I am also keeping very close to this website as well, it seems to be helping me cope and not to gamble. I hope you are well and keeping up the good fight.
Amanda
Grrr feeling very down indeed at present, just want to sit here and weep. Have been trying to be positive all day, keeping reading, playing with my children and communicating with others. Kids are now in bed and husband has gone out, sat alone and feel very down. Will not gamble I tell myself every second even though to some degree I can't as I have K9 filter. Why does this habit grip me so hard, it is extracting the very life force out of me. I don't know who I am anymore, please let this self pity stop and be positive again. I am naturally a positive person but just can not seem to find any at present.
Hi again Amanda,
I trully relate to your feelings. Don't feel sorry for your situation. This disease can trick back in a old ways in a second. Don't give in girl. Evenings was mine weakest time of the day, try to do smthing enjoyable, even relaxing bath can do a lot of good. Or just stick around, you can contact netline anytime , they can give you some advice. You can pull through it, I know you can, just believe in yourself.
Do not think about past. You have now and today to deal with. If your husband will b back soon, have a nice chat, or watch movie...ride this mood out, you are not the only one feeling this way....give it some time, early stages of recovery are really tough, but with each day you will get stronger and more positivity will be back. I know you want changes, but are you ready for a ride of your life for the new better future???? Only u can tell 🙂
All I know....YOU DESERVE IT!!!
Take care
Sandra x
Hi Amanda
I just started my diary late last night and you very kindly posted a message of support. Thank you.
I am only on Day 1 so I know exactly how you're feeling right now, please know that you are not alone in this struggle.
Stay on this forum, read the diaries, I've been in & out of this forum all day, reading others stories is truly helping me to build strength, strength I know I'm going to need everyday for the days/weeks/months ahead.
Stay strong and don't be to hard on yourself....we can do this....we can!
Thank you Sandra and Ashamed your support and help it is very much appreciated. I am now feeling as normal as I can be now, not sure what came over me. I suppose it is that hour or so of weakness that has always made me turn to gamble, this time I can happily state that I have not and will not. The craving has passed, yes I still feel self pity and down for what has been done but I must move on. One day at a time and at some points minute at a time.
I took your advice Sandra and went upstairs, that time out did wonders for my mental state.
Once again thank you and can happily state that day two is drawing into a close and I have won, no gambling 🙂
Well done Amanda!
M x
That's it girl... just ride it out. Tomorrow is a new day, new start, new hopes and smiles. Simple as it sounds :-))
Well done, you are not your own !!
Keep osting
Sandra x
OK new day, new challenge and new fight. Starting of day three with no gambling even with an episode last night. Feeling a lot better and not woken up with sickness and dread of loosing yet again more money and having to confess to husband what I have done. Seems strange but I feel a massive sense of relief being able to cope with the urges and not act upon them.
Thank you Sandra and Ashamed for your support it has really helped and Ashamed if you read this we CAN do this 🙂
Hi Amanda
Congratulations on 2 days - well done!! You seem really positive and determined, that's brilliant!! Keep it up and don't give in to temptation.
Don't underestimate how marvelous a feeling it is to put your head on your pillow at night and not worry about the money you have lost that day.
You CAN do this, and there's many more of us watching and willing you to do so. Keep strong, the urges will come and it's down to how much you want to beat this and gain your lie back that will see you through.
Keep going and well done so far - you're doing great.
Mr Brightside
Hi Amanda,
Thank you so much for your post and big well done for kicking those urges a....s yesterday 🙂
You have lots of determination, keep strong and stay close by this site. You are not on your own and we all can do it.
Have a lovely New Years celebration 🙂
Sandra x
Awesome! Day three is over now onto day four and not gambled. Yesterday was much easier and had no urges to speak of, very surprising!
Might have been the book reading, cleaning and tidying lol. Anyway good day yesterday I hope I have another 🙂
Keep going Amanda....we can do this!
2014 is our chance to change our life's for the better.
Well done girl.....thinking of you today.
M x
Now onto day 5 of not gambling, keeping myself very busy lol cooking, cleaning, reading etc seems to be working. If I keep my mind active I don't seem to have the urges to gamble it is when I am bored, alone or down. Need to enrol on a course or something this would keep me busy for awhile. Anyway four days without gambling 🙂
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