taking my life back

hmmmm I've been thinking about this...'giving without reward'...

but there *are* some rewards...knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be and doing what I am meant to be doing...that there is a divine plan and I am an active participant...that is reward.

also...as you said in your diary....reading here every day helps to remind us of the pain that we were in...I *really* don't want to go back there.

thirdly...when I answer a post...I am hearing my 'wise self' speak...the more I listen to that wise self the stronger and louder it becomes...the gambler voice becomes more and more silent...

there are some challenges for me (for my own recovery) about being here...but then...that's how we grow, eh?

Love to you Paddy,

xoxoxo

I've been giving this some thought.

First of all, I'd like to say, that I am not implying here that people who are addicted to other things are BAD...but...there seem to be many people that end up with a gambling problem that have always done the right thing...that have always made good choices..and this things is just so CONFUSING because it is so BAD.

So...my line of thinking is this:

Surely there are C*****e addicts that are good people...but at SOME point..they CONSCIOUSLY made a choice to do something that they knew wasn't OK..to try the drug.

Alcohol..well that is legal and socially acceptable, but then we KNOW that so many have a problem with that...I am sure that it could be debated whether or not some individual made a conscious poor choice or not...am not really interested in debating..

BUT

Gambling...here we have something...the general population doesn't really get the gambling addiction (or any addiction for that matter) thing...we see the signs that say 'if you have a gambling problem call ###-####)' but we think that that is hobo's...drunkards who don't bathe and are living on the streets...not US.

Gambling is ENTERTAINMENT. MOST people gamble in some form or another...even people who would never go into a casino might play a sports pool or church bingo...even the BEST of people gamble....

I did not consciously make a choice to do something that I knew was bad for me when I began to gamble.

By the time it was bad for me...I had crossed the line into compulsive gambling and was unable to make choices with regards to my gambling at that time.

Just my opinion.

xoxoxo

hi Peg

just catching up on your diary, I have been neglecting this site for a while as I have been so wrapped up in getting the GA group set up.

Hope you are well and staying strong.

all the best

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Just been reading your diary, I think your right i think we are usually generally good people that cross that line, i was personally just playing a game when i crossed the invisable line to addiction, as perhaps almost all other addictions do too.

Sounds like your doing well, keep going and staying strong.

Tracey :0)

Hi peg

just got your post on my diary.

we were definately missing out on so much, the finer things that we've talked about and also friends and family. i swear i've never seen and spent so much time with everyone - and i'm loving it!!

thank you so much for your kind words peg, as always.

you're great, take care, claire xx

I do not know it all.

In fact, I'm sure that I've just barely scratched the surface.

Sometimes...when we are just walking away from our addiction, we (I did it too) see people that look like 'they know what to do' and 'they've done it'.

They don't.

I don't.

I'm a compulsive gambler and I'm learning...just like you...Clean time? what is that? you and I have the same thing...TODAY...

what does # clean days mean, really?

well...the tv was on today and I was in the other room, so I have no idea what the context was, but I hear Dr. Phil say something like 'They say time heals all wounds, but I say that's NOT true. Time does not heal anything...it's what you DO with that time....'

I hang around with people that are doing what I want to do...people who can teach me..who could help me until I was able to help myself...people who have suffered from this addiction...as I have..and as you have...what others gave to them, they pass on to me, and I to you, and on it goes...

Don't think that I know it all. I know just what I'm supposed to know today 🙂

love,

peg

xoxoxo

Hi Peg,

Going ok thanks and I'll be sad if your not the same.

My work hours are like a dog's breakfast. One more working day, of not working in well, with the time zones that matter.

Hope to catch up with you soon at the place Max hangs out and I'm looking forward to having a good yap with you. Max probably dosen't realise how set I am in my thinking. Anyway that place is amazing, it's like a box of chocolates.

It appears to me that many people make their first post at a time shortly after a big loss. Understandable. A lot however don't follow it up with further posts. Any thoughts on that?

xoxoxo

Thanks, I'm doing well.

LOL Thoughts? me?

Well, statistically, I think fewer than 5% of addicts actually work a recovery program and stick with it throughout their lives.

I don't concern myself with statistics tho...I have no idea if I can stick with this for the rest of my life...I know that the last 4 and a half months have been wonderful...I'm glad I haven't gambled...I'm gald I'm not gambling today...

but back to the question..

these are just my thoughts...

brain imaging shows a definite difference between the brain of a non-addicted person and the brain of a compulsive gambler. They're not sure, I think, what this means..since the studies that they've done do not include images of the addicted person PRIOR to the addiction...BUT....at the very least, we know that AFTER becoming addicted, the brain is altered.

It is a brain disease.

I do have some control over how this disease affects me, tho.

Of course, people with other diseases...heart disease, diabetes, asthma...they have some control over how their diseases affect them too...my kids have asthma...there are triggers...sometimes, they come to me right away, when they feel it coming on to get their meds...sometimes they just ignore it and we end up in the emergency room.

It's a little bit harder, I think, for addicts to take care of themselves, because the organ that is 'sick'..the brain...it controls so many things...including our feelings and thoughts...and it's not working right 🙁 so our thoughts and feelings are altered.

Very sad.

I think that people don't really start working at this until they have just had ENOUGH. Some, sadly, never get to that point, or, having reached that point, did not encounter a set of circumstances that was helpful enough to lift them from the abyss.

HOPE.

It's hard to find hope when you are in the pits of despair.

I attended my first g.a. meeting in 1999, I think? I didn't return for two years.

I wasn't like them.

I was hurting.

They were laughing.

I knew I would never be that happy again...my life was destroyed, and I had done it.

They were having fun, living again, and I just couldn't relate to that...well that's not ALL of it....I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP GAMBLING....I NEEDED to gamble....when I first sought help, what I *really* wanted was a loan 🙂 or to find some way to CONTROL it...I didn't want to stop gambling, I wanted gambling to stop HURTING me.

They weren't going to loan me money and they weren't going to teach me how to control it...so I did not return for several years....

It's not just this forum...making a post then not returning...it's in g.a. meetings and, I'd imagine, any type of recovery vehicle for addicts...

Just my thoughts..

I'm grateful that I'm not gambling today 🙂

xoxoxo

Peg

You have been the only poster so far on my diary, so I felt that I should read yours. Glad that I have. I am only half way through and have found your journey a real inspiration. When I started I was trying to find the reason why I gamble. I now feel that my gambling is only one of my addictions and I never actually fully admit to any of them.

I drink.....gambling gave me an excuse to stay up later drinking (only to me though)...I am not addicted to drink as I can go days without it......I am not addicted to gambling as I can go days without it....I was gambling to try to get out of debt....but actually from day 1 I was in debt because I spent (because I gambled) too much........

I could go on forever in s cycle of reasons for everything, but actually it all appears to be some kind of addiction somewhere along the line. I always appear to fully commit to everything, and not all of it bad (I hope). I can only hope that I will finally fully commit to breaking these addictions in my life.

I can only quote from your earlier entries...........I have not gambled today!

Hello Peg,

I'm just going talk about a few things that I'm not going to be able to get across in a chat room.

Speaking of Chat rooms: I've noticed a lot of people come, go, stay, depending on whose is there and what is said. Myself, I'm there to learn, make comments that may or may not help others and to remind me of where I've been (the holiday to Jamaica being a classic example). Peg, unless there is just you and me in the room I can't see myself saying to you what I really think about you and me and everything else.

I almost exactly agree with what your saying:

"when I first sought help, what I *really* wanted was a loan 🙂 or to find some way to CONTROL it...I didn't want to stop gambling..."

and

"I think that people don't really start working at this until they have just had ENOUGH. Some, sadly, never get to that point, or, having reached that point, did not encounter a set of circumstances that was helpful enough to lift them from the abyss"

Currently this is how I see it:

In all likelihood, it will only be at a time of despair that a ga person will take steps towards overcoming their problem. If they get help at this time and they happen to meet someone that they can relate to and feel comfortable with, and I refer to my comments about chat rooms above, then maybe they are on the road to recovery.

I believe different approaches are required for different individuals and their circumstances.

For example:

1a Some live week to week and blow their pay within a day of getting it and have gamble free days until their next payday.

1b Some gamble everyday of the week because they have the resources to do it.

2a Some have a huge debt over their head.

2b Some are only a week behind in the rent.

3a Some carry tremendous emotional baggage.

3b.Some some carry little or no emotional baggage.

4a Some have the support of family/friends.

4b Some have no support of family/friends.

5a Some of the partners know of the gambling problems.

5b Some of the partners know nothing of the gambling problems.

6a Some have a family history of addiction.

6b Some have no history of family addiction.

Sixty-four possible scenarios using the 6 categories above and more categories could be added.

Thanks for your time and as always I more than appreciate any comments you may have.

oxoxox

The nature of the chat room tends to be cyclical...it has been very crowded lately... I, like you, am there to learn...learning is a possibility regardless of conditions in the room, but personally, I have benefited the most during meetings or when I find myself in a one-on-one (or very small) setting...where the conversation lends itself to being more personal and intimate.

However...anytime you feel the need to speak to an individual, there is a private chat feature...if you click on a name, then the priv chat button, a new window will open and you can converse privately.

when you say... they happen to meet someone that they can relate to and feel comfortable with

Yes, I agree completely. There are many places that this might occur though...there are a few online support groups or perhaps a g.a. meeting?

Different individuals/circumstances....right again...and there are many other possibilites, as you say...another big one, I think, is whether or not the cg has a spouse/partner that is also a cg, and if so, whether or not the partner is also attempting to stop gambling...that can be a big factor in someones attempt to abstain.

I would also like to say, though, that I know people who have, in my opinion, come from the worst possible set of circumstances...no family support, spent time in prison due to this disease, tremendous baggage, etc. that have been working recovery successfully for years...so it seems to me that really *anyone* CAN do this....but perhaps, as we both said...the right set of circumstances must occur AND that person must be WILLING.... HONESTY, OPENNESS and WILLINGNESS are three things that gamblers anonymous says are necessary in recovery, and I agree with that completely.

Different approaches are required?

hmmmmmmm

well...recovery is certainly a journey...each of us is on our own path...we have to decide what works for us and yes...there do seem to be many different approaches.

All of those reasons are why the gamblers anonymous program is about sharing our experience, strength and hope...as opposed to 'telling' someone what to do (although...there *is* a place for that as well....with a sponsor...but we select our own sponsor...someone that we relate to and trust).

Back to the private chat thing for a sec....I just wanted to add that...there is certainly a time and place for that, but honestly...my own personal opinion is that, unless we are disclosing personal information...OR if the topic is controversial...OR, if we want to talk and someone is in the chat room in 'crisis'..if someone is talking to them and we do not want to interrupt...these conversations are probably best held in 'public'...after all....we may teach someone else something...or learn from them 🙂

have a great day!!!

peg

xoxoxo

Hi Peg

Just a quick note to say thanks for your posts, you really seem to be a "rock" to others in here, always welcoming and supporting others despite everything you been through!!

You are an inspiration and your thoughts and comments have helped many people myself included

Thanks again Peg your a star!!!

Love

Duckie

x

(((Duckie))) thank you.

I'm not sure about being a 'rock' but I *have* been working very hard on my recovery.

It is wonderful when something that I say is helpful to someone else that is suffering...I get a lot by being here as well...

The last time I stopped gambling..life got much better, as it has now..and the further away I got from my last bet, the harder it was to recall the pain that I was once in.

I minimized, in my mind, how horrific all of those drives home were...the scheming...anxiety...fear...panic... I had forgotten the pain in my husband's face when I first revealed what I had done... I glossed over many of the incidents that occurred with my children...things were GOOD again...maybe I had exaggerated how bad it had really gotten? maybe I wasn't really as bad as some of those other people whose stories I had heard...maybe now that I had learned so much about myself and about this disease I would be ok.

In gamblers anonymous, they say 'meetings make it' and in some ways, I disagree with that statement (if I just attend meetings and don't internalize any of this stuff..meetings alone will not 'make it' for me)...but at the same time...meetings ARE very important...the biggest thing that I get from meetings (today) is seeing the newcomer...the person who walks into the room who is in so much pain they can barely speak..sometimes, they do not..they just listen...I need to hear their stories...so that I can recall my own...I need to remember what I was feeling when I walked into my first meeting...the way my relationship was with my husband for a VERY LONG time...the financial hardship that I caused...I need to see how far I've come and to know that I could very easily lose myself again..

Seeing this face to face is much more powerful than reading here..but I do get that here as well...I read others stories and it brings me back...I need to be here for *me*....I do not want to dwell on my past...I do not want to feel shame or guilt about what I've done...and I do not...At the time, I was caught up in the addiction and I was powerless to help myself...so there is no guilt or shame..at the same time...I need never forget.

It is important, *I* think, that a community such as this one, have people in all different stages of recovery...we need everyone.

love to you Duckie...YOU are a star too!!!!!

xoxoxo

Hi peg

spending some time reading and posting people. there are lots of wonderful people on here aren't there? i think we're all so lucky to have each other - this is a life line.

i do wish i had a meeting to go to though. think our nearest one is a 2 hr train journey away, there was a newspaper article about it a while ago saying there should be one but so far no one has done anything. i read your last entry the biggest thing that I get from meetings (today) is seeing the newcomer...the person who walks into the room who is in so much pain they can barely speak.. i know initially i would be the new person but i think you're right it'd be a good reminder, i wonder if because i forgot a little that i was too confident on thursday and it backfired.

i think there are many elements to recovery, family/friends, meetings, posting here but i suppose it all comes back to us. we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. i think we're all doing great!!!

take care peg, claire xx

Hi Peg,

Hope everything is good in your life.

Just got your message re:smart recovery.

Turned out to be not that helpful in the end as I am in Australia,and over hear it is mostly drug and alchohol related.

I believe in the premise of smart recovery but did,nt end up pursuing it. My gambling days are over in context of feeling I made up my mind to stop. The hard part for me is the re-building of my life. I,m confident in my understanding of my relationship with gambling behaviour- and the desire is gone as far as I can tell.

It,s been a long draining journey , and I guess I,m just getting on with other things in life. I think if I feel the need smart- recovery is my closest suitable option to date.

Probably not that helpful in terms of your question but this is all I can say about smart- recovery at this time.

I,m only making occassional visits to this forum at this stage.

All the best

From Chris.