taking my life back

hi peg

Hope you are well and your life is good.

you are such an inspiration to me, many of your thoughts and feelings are the same as mine..you seem to have the knack of putting them into words.

take care

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

I second that Jim!

HOw are you getting on Peg?

Susie x

I third that. I have only known you a week but you really are articulate and understanding.

What a wonderful place to be...spending time with you all..sharing our journeys...learning from one another and sharing our strength and hope.

My step-father called me yesterday...he needed medicine and groceries...he is not able to load his wheelchair into his van, then get to the driver's seat...nor is he able to get from the driver's seat to the back of the van...he is dependent upon others for his very survival.

So he called yesterday to ask if my son wouldn't mind helping him to run his errands...my son wasn't home..I called him to see if he would do it...when I was 15 I'd have thrown a fit...'it's my WEEKEND!..I want to be with my FRIENDS!'... I could tell that he kind of FELT that way when I called him, but he didn't say so...he hesitated..I told him that he didn't have to do it..I could...he said he'd call me back...he called me three or four times..trying to work it out...he wanted to do it, but then, he didn't want to do it.

In the end...he called and asked me if I would do it, he had plans with his friends..but to promise his granddad that he WANTED to and that he'd do it the next time.

I *really* needed to clean out my closet yesterday...and do some laundry...but no big deal..change of plans.

It took about four hours...

If I were still gambling...so much would've been different yesterday.

This would've been a perfect opportunity to gamble.

No one would have known...I could've said that it had taken me six hours instead of four.

I probably would've been aggravated that my son hadn't done it....THEN, I would have been agitated the entire time that I was there...knowing that the sooner I finished up with him, the sooner I could get to a machine...I would have DONE it...but I would've been miserable and I'm sure that my dad would've been aware that I wasn't happy about doing it.

How sad is that?

We enjoyed our time together yesterday...it wasn't 'fun' in the same way that a day at the beach is 🙂 or going to the movie...or to coffee with a friend..but it felt *good* to do.

When people need me today...I answer my cell-phone..I do not have to ignore the phone so that they cannot hear the ringing bells of machines.

I am present and participating in my life...and I am enjoying it.

I can't say that I have urges to gamble. I do, sometimes have 'thoughts' though. Crazy thoughts is what they are.

I am not afraid to place a bet.

I am not afraid of what will happen to me if I spend a few hours of gambling.

What scares the h*ll out of me is getting caught up in the cycle again.

I refuse to allow that to happen.

That is where the first bet will lead me.

Today, I choose to live in my life.

Love to all who read here.

((Mark, Susie, Jim, Claire, Chris, Duckie)) thanks for sharing your journeys..and mine 🙂

xoxoxo

Hi peg

i have ignored my phone so many times because they'd have heard the machines. its an awful thing - especially when a friend was trying to get in touch to say his dad was being taken into hospital - you'd have thought that'd been enough to stop me, but no!! it wasn't my fault!! how was i to know!!! to think of the person that we turn into through this horrible addiction, and to think of the beautiful people we are becoming/turning back into 🙂

always lovely to read an entry in your diary peg, it always makes me think of a reason why i do not want to gamble.

love to you peg, take care

claire xx

I keep starting to post, then scratch it.

I'm in a 'funk' for no particular reason.

I went through a stage a few months ago where this occurred from time to time..but I thought I was through that stage?

Maybe not.

Maybe it's not a stage at all...maybe this is just a part of being human and it happens to everyone from time to time...maybe I wasn't aware of it before because I'd just go gamble (and numb) and was hardly even aware of it.

No thoughts of gambling.

I'm sure it will pass.

Maybe will take care of some of those things I've been putting off...maybe that will lift me?

love to all who read here.

peg

xoxoxo

Hi Peg,

((((((((((((kim)))))))))))

not speaking out of turn at all.

I really don't think that's it...of course, I could be wrong 🙂 but..in the past...I have done a bit of care-taking..thinking I could 'fix' someone or taking on their problems.

I'm very conscious of that today...that takes up all of my energy AND it's futile.

Truth be told...I have been spending more time with myself and doing FOR myself, spiritually and otherwise, than I have in a long time...maybe more than I ever have.

Maybe I need more?

I'm not sure, Kim...it could just be that I'm more 'in tuned' to myself than I've ever been? more aware of the fact that I'm not feeling OK..and that there's no good reason for it?

You are not the only person that has suggested this, though...so, even though it doesn't *feel* like that's the problem...you may be right on the mark?

(((((((kim))))))

thank you,

love,

peg

xoxoxo

Hey Peg..

Had to look up what 'funk' meant! You and your funk and me and my 'pressies'..we are supposed to speak the same language! lol

Anyway..the main point i picked up from your post was 'NO THOUGHTS ON GAMBLING'

Anyone can have a 'down' day, sometimes its not worth even wondering why. I get them too sometimes..but its OK 🙂

love to you

Jackie

peg

When I first set out on my 'travels' you were the first to offer your support, for which I am really greatful. Over the weekend I reached my first big target of a week and to be honest it was a bit of a disappointment. No fanfare when I woke up on Saturday, no flags..a bit of an anti-climax. I then had a couple of days of relexion and realise that I did have flags and trumpets but only in my head. I almost though at one point that I was replacing my addiction with reading about other peoples and almost thinking that at least I was not as bad as them. But I am, we all are, but we are doing something about it. I hear people saying how much they have won or lost (we always remember the winnings easier) and realise that we are better off in so many ways.

I hope that the 'funk' is short, but as you had no gambling urges maybe it is only LIFE. No-one is ever always UP, but your words even when down are always fantastic. Even if you only say a few words they mean so much.

Chin up (a UK saying).

(((Jac))) and (((Sponge)))

I cried a bit today, for no particular reason..but I had a few chuckles too...Jac looking up 'funk' LOL..sorry about that..I've picked up a few things from my UK friends...you 'dust yourself down' while we 'dust yourself off'..and of course, chin up 🙂 and there's the abbreviations mo (moment) brill (brilliant) and my favorite to date, pressie.

((Sponge)) you said maybe it is only LIFE I'm thinking that....everything that happens to me does not necessarily have to do with gambling or not gambling...maybe this is just life? The thing is...I really don't know what life away from gambling and/or not gambling is like??? Surely everyone has down days but just for no reaason?

Well, Jac, I'm gonna take your word for it...maybe it's not even worth wondering why...gonna get some sleep...maybe it will be gone tomorrow? if not..I'll embrace it...I'm confused, but I'm not fighting..it is what it is.

Even on a 'down' day..I'm glad to be living my life.

Love to all,

peg

xoxoxo

Feeling better today.

Was in chat with a friend a bit ago and I said so.

Friend says 'feeling better is good'

then friend says 'feeling bad is good too'

friend is right.

i'm one that likes to understand everything..figure stuff out, so i am disturbed when i experience feelings that seem inappropriate to my circumstances? but am trying not to overanalyze this...it came, it was, it's gone.

the neat thing is...as yucky as I felt the last two days...gambling was not a consideration..it has no place in my life.

xoxoxo

hi peg, i just wanted to say thank you for all your support and help in my diary, means alot ((peg))

i'm glad that your feeling better today x

jinxy x

Hello Peg,

Sometimes I think, I think too much and maybe:) I'm reading too much into your recent post when you said

" the neat thing is...as yucky as I felt the last two days...gambling was not a consideration..it has no place in my life"

to *me* and not for the most obvious reason, it is the most encouraging thing I've heard *you* say.

oxoxo

thank YOU ((jinxy))

and TTNY, not reading too much into it 🙂 that is *BIG*

had a really good day yesterday...a synchronistic series of events..including my 'funk' led me to a break through in therapy yesterday...dealt with some things that really needed to be dealt with.

I know that G.A. tells us that it is not necessary to understand why we gambled in order to work recovery...and...while that may be true...I sure do feel a lot better today...I know I've still got some things to take care of (inside of me) but I have made a start..and already I feel like this will make a huge difference in my recovery.

my insides are....healing.

love,

peg

xoxoxo