taking my life back

Hi peg

glad you're feeling better. sounds like your therapy is a good help. take care ((((peg))))

claire xxx

peg

I think from your prevous posts that you are a bit like me in that we think maybe too much and everything needs to have a reason or an answer.

I have been thinking about your 'funk' and have come to one big conclusion. When I gamble it takes over everything, when I gamble I really never feel UP, I really never feel DOWN, I only ever feel NUMB trying to find ways of gambling. The 'funk' must be a feeling and actually having feelings and emotions must be a good thing!!

It sounds that this may have actually made you stronger, from all of this the urges to gamble have not been there.....and that is a GREATthing.

Take care

thanks guys 🙂

the past few days have been so busy...

car broke down yesterday..i was taking a shortcut through a bad neighborhood...just picked the car up from the dealership...

the old peg would have cried.

the old peg would've been very very angry and woul'dve been ugly to the service manager (i have been waiting for my car for SEVEN months)..i finally pick it up and now i am stuck on the side of the road...

anyway...

i called him, told him my circumstances..he said he'd send a tow truck...how long? i asked...he said he didn't know. i said, calmly 'someone needs to come pick me up right now.' he said i don't have a car to come pick you up (ok now...i'm not on the phone with McDonalds here..it's a CAR DEALERSHIP...he doesn't have a CAR?) i said again, 'someone needs to come pick me up right now' he said...i would if i had a car, i said 'if you don't have someone who can come get me right now then YOU need to get into YOUR CAR and come pick me up right now'. he said, 'i'll call you back'..he called back in 5 minutes, someone was on the way.

It wasn't fun.

I wasn't happy.

I could've cried..but then...I was on the way to pick up 4 kiddo's from school...am so so glad that they weren't with me...and even though i wasn't in the BEST of areas...I had just come thru a spot that was much worse...so it could've been worse..besides..i had a book with me 🙂 so i read until my ride showed up.

was a minor problem..they fixed it and i picked up my car this morning. so far so good.

the thing is...i could've lost my cool yesterday...but what would that have changed?

the only thing that would've been different was the way *I* felt.

I would have felt worse.

I could not have made that choice 5 months ago (5 months today!!)

a better way of thinking and living...so far..feels like... when my thinking changes, the 'living' part just seems to follow.

xoxoxo

How great is that. 5 months today!!!!!!! Yeah Peg. For people reading the first part of Peg's diary. I am still here. Don't post. Just read. Still doing well(thanks in great part to Peg). Will post again soon. Just wanted to congratulate my friend Peg. That is awesome!!!! Love you Peg

XXOOO

40 something

Morning(?!) Peg,

Congratulations on reaching 5 months, what a journey you have begun. 🙂

You must feel very proud of yourself.

All the changes you have made during this time are paying off Peg..in more ways than just abstaining from gambling.

Your story about the 'car' shows how you are taking control of your life.

Something had gone wrong..which left you in a vulnerable position..you kept calm..you asserted yourself verbally, continuing your calm but firm message of what you required..result..YOU achieved what you wanted.

Life is one big learning curve. Thank you for the time you give on here peg. I know ultimately it is for you but in sharing part of you life you also help me and others in our lives.

Cheers, and look forward to your further steps along the way.

Jackie x

Hi peg

5 months!!! thats amazing, you have done so well, what an achievement.

congratulations peg

Claire xxx

Wonderful Peg you must feel great keep up the good work. You inspire me. joycie

feeling a bit anxious today for no particular reason...

surely it is like this for everyone...the cr** that we go through..the feelings...the occasional 'funk' 🙂

difference is...the *rest* of the world doesn't think to gamble (or drink, or do drugs, etc.) when everything isn't peaches and cream...

today..i will deal with this anxiety like the rest of the world does...wait...most people I know take a pill for anxiety these days 🙁 ummm OKKKKK, I will deal with it the *natural* way then...

I will have anxiety until I don't, and then, I won't have it any more.

Everything changes.

odaat

peg

40 something 🙂 good to see you posting again..congrats to you too!!!

((jac)) Life is one big learning curve.

indeed.

Claire and Joycie... thank you both....we all have the same thing...today 🙂

Ya know...thinking back...this happened to me the last time too...

I was trying to figure out this 'recovery' thing...because i would hear people say that abstinence and recovery are two different things...and then, i would suddenly get it....ahhhhhh...NOW I understand...only to discover a few days or a week later, that I really didn't have it..or that was just a tiny bit of it.

Now, looking back...I really didn't have anything...perhpas that is why my thinking and living did not changed and I ended up returning to the cycle.

so here i am again.

These past months have already been quite the journey...I am a completely different person than I was five months ago...not just because I am not gambling (of course I could not make these changes and gamble also) but because I am learning and am applying what i learn to my life...am discovering who i really am.

I'm not really trying to figure out this 'recovery' thing anymore...i wonder if i will ever 'get' it all? doesn't matter...things are unfolding before me, in exactly the way that they are meant to...and i am approaching life with a child-like curiosity today.

xoxoxo

GOOD FOR YOU PEG!!!!!

Hi peg

its was nice to talk to you today, i've started stoppin in at safe harbour more often.

hows the no smoking thing going peg? is the book any good?

i've started to diet, i'm not happy as i am, want to be about 2 dress sizes less. its funny but i've tried dieting over the years and never succeeded. i feel i can really do it this time - think it may be because i feel so in control of my gambling that i feel in control about other things. when i gambled i had no control over any part of my life now i think about it.

Here's to new beginings peg 🙂

claire xx

have mentioned before that i have never really been in tune with my emotions...especially the ones that felt bad.

have identified the source of some of that in my recent 'sorting out' process...

my family took in foster children...many came and went. some stayed for a day or two..some for years...I have seen a lot of things. I have seen children who have experienced things that no human being should...even the kids that HADN'T really been through 'hell' weren't with thier mom 🙁

i grew up thinking that..no matter how bad things were for me...my problems weren't really that bad...many others had it much worse..I had so much.

and while that *is* true...the fact that I was fortunate didn't mean I could not feel pain...when bad s**t happened to me...maybe it wasn't as bad as somebody ELSES s**t..but it still hurt me...and it was OK to feel that way...wasn't selfish..just 'was'.

so i'm allowing myself to feel now...whatever it is that I'm feeling..it's ok...no feelings are bad..and..they really don't concern any one else.. 'no one else has to wear them' a friend said to me 🙂 so true...they are not good, not bad...just mine.

so i'm more in tune now with what's going on...the highs..the lows...and then..when i am neither of those..when i am just back to 'my normal'...that feeling..that mood..is gratitude...i am thinking that that is due to my childhood as well...and gratitude is not a bad place to be.

I am grateful for a lot of things today.

I am living my life again 🙂

Peg,

congratulation on your five months march 31st. You have been an inspiration to me as well. I was reading your post about being in touch with your feelings. I could relate to what you said. There are feelings I think, regarding myself, that I suppress push aside or to know there there but not always understanding why I may feel a certian way. I have lots of work to do but as you mentioned one time. "baby steps".

I am grateful to you and the others in this group.

Congrats again

Hi peg

A belated congratulations on reaching five months of being gamble free.

Well done lady.

have you given up smoking yet? I am now five days without a ciggie and it isnt half as bad as i thought it would be..I am half expecting it to get tougher though.

anyway take care

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)