taking my life back

hmmmmm Ben...interesting...I don't know that I would say that I'm not reliant on the support here. I definately am...I am just not checking in obsessively is all. 🙂

ziban is also referred to as wellbutrin...works with the dopamine levels which, i believe, are a big factor in addictions. lots of interesting info/studies on dopamine and gambling addiction.

i know so many cg's who are stopping smoking right now!!! wtg 🙂

love to all,

xoxoxo

Hi Peg

Im on day 5 right now and I am 24 years old. Before now the longest I have stopped gambling is 3 months but in truth I dont believe I have ever whole heartedly wanted to. I read what you said about having stopped for two years at one point and I felt so intrigued that something made you go back after all that time. I had hoped that the longer I am off it, the easier it will become but I dont think I will ever manage this if people are still so vulnerable after such long periods as that. I am tempted every day and I am clinging onto the hope that it gets easier with passing days. Am I wrong?

Eve X

Hi Lying eyes, I cant speak for Peg but it almost seems you are asking for a guarantee and I know I cant give you that. We are all individuals and things happen in our lives that can trigger us to do things.

I packed in for almost a year and all I can say is that you really do have to realise that as compulsive gamblers we are in recovery for the rest of our lives. And yes I did slip last month but it didnt stop me coming back and quitting again. I am in a better place than I was at the beginning of last year, so yes it does get better.

Please dont use it as an excuse to start gambling as at the end of the day, the only person who will lose is yourself. We all do this for ourselves.

Hi peg, glad to hear you are doing well. It is always good to keep up with your posts, and look forward to them. Keep well. hugs from Joy x

Hey peg,

Understand the not having a guarentee commnet, I guess its an unknown quantity.

Lots of info to be looking into on the addiction and medicine side of things. Think I am going to spend a lot of time on reasearch.

The thing with relapse from what I can gather is, yes it does take a lof of effort to come back and admit it, but at the same time that can only make you stronger and more determined. I have found no matter what the support always remains constant here. Long may it continue.

I see your reliant point Peg, I was not trying to come across as if I think I will be able to do it on my own, just laying the thought that hopefully I wont HAVE to come here every day to make sure I dont gamble. If that makes sense.

Til next time, keep it up Joy, you are my inspiration.

ODAAT, JFT, keep believing.

Ben x x

G'day Peg!

Just dropped in to say hello. did a web search on 'gambling and tumeric' at about 1am when I couldn't sleep but brain to0 mushy to be useful. Only got as far as reading results - incredibly most were online casinos who must have attached themselves to every word in the english language. However, interestingly, many referred to ssris, mao inhibitors etc. Obviously there is some good reading out there- and, I suspect, a lot of lunatic stuff too! Doesn't help me much - I have to take medication already and the anti-depressants are contraindicated. However, tumeric might be another story! You guys, so far have been my best medicine. Hope you are well and happy.

Love,

Kerrie

PS A friend of mine bought me over beers tonight - haha! Sorry about that ramble!

Hello everyone 🙂

((Kerrie)) you said You guys, so far have been my best medicine.

so so so much truth in that.

i could not do this alone.

I tried a hundred times. I'd vow I'd never gamble again..HAD to stop...

next day...couldn't control myself..back at it again.

In my *early* days of compulsive gambling...I reasoned that i really didn't have a problem becuase I didn't go that often...when I *DID* go..I would gamble compulsively...until every last dime was gone...but, then..I wouldn't go back for a long time..so it didn't cause me any real grief in my life...but eventually, I got to the point where I couldn't stop gambling once I got there AND...I could not stay away...when I wasn't gambling, all that I could think of was how to get money to gamble and what excuse I could use to go.

scheming to get there

gamble it all away

lies to cover my tracks

repeat the next day

and the next day

and the next.

not today 🙂

love to all.

xoxoxo

Hey Peg,

Feel with you about the 'not having a problem', I used to say that to myself all the time. I sorta went from always being on the fruit machines to not on them very often. It was at this time I tried to convince myself I didn't have a problem because i would be 'Just letting off steam' or 'getting away from it all for a few hours'. All of which I can see now were 'excuses' for gambling my money away.

Like the mantra Peg, keep that with you and I'm sure you'll find the strength to refrain.

Hope your doing well, speak soon

Ben x x

Hi Peg, just thought i would say Hi, as im just getting used to this site. I have been gamble free for 9 days, so just in early days.

I wanted to wish you well in both gambling and smoking addiction.

Love

Linda

xxx

Hi Peg!

I smiled when I read about "not having a problem". I seemed to go from non-gambler to compulsive gambler in the blink of an eye! And I guess i was only a non-gambler because i used to think nobody ever won ( i would play sometimes, if others were, but five dollars was enough to lose, then). I was working in the industry when I started to play regularly, small amounts, lots of wins. Within weeks, I was playing until I won, then stopping. Then, I didn't win and nearly all my pay was gone....You know the rest. Well, the day i did that, I knew i had a problem - that desperation and insanity was unbearable. That was around 18 months ago, and I have been through trying to stop, then gambling like a demon, over and over. All the time betting more, spending more, winning more, and going home with nothing. If i start I cannot stop, and that is SO scary. I am so grateful to get to day 10. Couldn't do it alone. Thanks for being medicine!

Love you,

Kerrie

thursday night...was at a g.a. meeting when i got a phone call from my husband (what did we do before cell phones?)

my son broke his toe...he said that he heard it snap..it was very very loud...it was crooked...the toenail was more or less ripped off and it was bleeding pretty badly.

i left the meeting to meet them at the e.r.

friday...took him to the dr. for a follow up..the break is pretty bad..the dr. said 'I dont think he'll need surgery but want to see him back in 2 weeks'.

wow. surgery? a toe?

anyways...not such a big deal really...boy stuff...but am sitting here, reading diaries..thinking about my gambling days...what MIGHT have happened...had i been gambling...wouldn't have answered my phone...sheez...no telling what might have happened...I coordinated everything...getting him to the e.r...met them there...told husband the best place to go, etc.... we weren't even sure he NEEDED to be seen...I thought they couldnt DO anything for a broken toe (called a nurse/friend who said he should definately go in for an x-ray)...

well..doesn't really matter what MIGHT've happened...sure am grateful for what DID transpire.

living my life.

xoxoxo

Hi Peg, sorry to hear about your sons mishap, hope he gets better soon. But remind yourself that had this been last year, you would probably not be contactable when you were gambling. And straightaway the guilt would have kicked in if you had been still gambling, in your head you would have said"If I hadnt been gambling I would have been there & it wouldnt have happended."

Now you were somewhere doing something positive, to help yourself and your family and could be at his side without those horrible guilt feelings we had when we knew we had no excuse not to be home.

I know I am happier and so are my family. I can be a proper parent and nanny to them, without constant thoughts as to how I can get some free time to gamble. Now its how to get free time to spend with them.

Way to go Peg. Always look forward to reading your posts, helps keep me grounded. Hugs to you Joy xxx

Hi Sweetie!

Poor kid, OUCH! something that used to scare me was...what if something happens when I'm off in space? Lucky, REALLY lucky nothing did. Another reason to keep me bet free. Sadly, knowing that I should be where I was needed wasn't enough, on its own, to make me stop gambling. Thankyou yet again for being there. Hope your boy isn't suffering too much.

Love to you,

Kerrie

Thinking of you Peg, hugs to your son.

Jackie

thanks ((guys)) he's doing ok... in pain, but he'll live.

(((Jackie))) think of you often...wish you had your own spot here so I could just give YOU a hug from time to time 🙂

am thinking about my last entry in Claire's diary...this recovery thing...a lifelong process...and I'm not FRETTING over that (today...I do sometimes) but I see some people who...the gamblers anonymous programs has become their whole life..

well...i suppose that's good if it works for them...i mean...if that's what i had to do to not gamble, i suppose that's what i would do...because gambling is just too d**n painful.

the thing is...i want to not gamble so that i can have my LIFE...my family, friends...if I spend all of my time doing things not to gamble (doing g.a. stuff, for instance) then..what have I gained? well..I won't have the pain from gambling any more...but still...i won't have what i want.

it's been easy to not gamble over these past months...life is good today..honestly? my life is pretty good most of the time...i truly believe that i could walk away from this site and from g.a....not focus on recovery at all..and would be fine..for a while..maybe for YEARS..until..someone close to me died or something terrible happened to me...until i was in more pain than i felt i could deal with..and then...gambling would seem like a reasonable option...just for a LITTLE while...just for a FEW dollars.

i really don't want to be here one day..talking about...i once stopped for 20 months....then..two years later, i stopped for xxx amt of time..and now i'm back again...

ENOUGH

i dont want that to be my story.

today, i can see that gambling never really gave me anything...i think to write that sometimes...on new people's into's..what..*really* does gambling give to you? but then i don't...because i can remember when I first stopped...i thought that gambling did give me something...pleasure? i enjoyed it? yes...in the same way that heroin gives pleasure to it's 'victims'...gambling never really gave me anything...all that it did was take, take, take...even that pleasure that i THOUGHT it gave me? it wasn't GIVING me pleasure...it was TAKING my FEELINGS....it TOOK my PAIN...so that FELT like PLEASURE...but..even that TAKING of pain....was really an illusion...the pain was still there..within me...it just went down deeper...waiting...waiting for a time when i was feeling again.

that's one reason why QUITTING is so hard...cuz those things that are in there...waiting...come forth...and I didn't know what to do with those feelings!! for YEARS what I did with feelings was STUFF them..ignore them...gamble them away.

today...i feel them.

even if it means i cry..so be it.

even if it means my heart feels like it will break... it is worth it.

for when i am feeling, i can also laugh, be grateful, love.

xoxoxo

That was a beautiful post, peg. Some years ago, I was in another fellowship - for a long time. Entered when I was quite young. For the first few years it took up a lot of time, and I too, wanted life. I have never had the problem I went there for again. I had good recovery time even after I left. It took about 15 years (from when i first entered recovery) before the proverbial hit the fan. My (defacto) marriage fell apart in horrible circumstances, a year later i miscarried, and was having some scary health problems, and that is when i started gambling compulsively. i hadn't been a gambler really at all before that. Same old disease, different form. Found myself islated from healthy support - more pain and stress than i could handle on my own.

I guess where I am going with this is... i really couldn't bear to go back to 12 step. I find myself using those skills (hey, I got good at it, 10 yrs in the rooms), but there are things I could really do without, as well. Here I feel less obligation - my committment is to me, and that is something i wasn't able to do 20 years ago - To commit to acting towards recovery for myself.

I want recovery because i want my life back. I'm so grateful to have found this here, as this support, this fellowship, is exactly what i needed.

Once, i would have needed meetings every night, and service committments, and a sponsor, and to sponsor. I needed to be answerable because i wasn't well enough to be answerable to myself.

Thank heavens there is enough of that recovery left that I can commit to coming here daily. in 18months of active disease i was losing so much (of me, i meant).

Even worse, I felt more out of control, more of a danger to myself, in this 18months than I did all those years ago. It was terrifying - gambling with "awareness" but like a runaway train.

Thankyou for reading this - I seem to let more out in response to others diaries than when i post on my own. This is possibly poor manners - sorry. Thankyou for the opportunity to share.

Love you,

Kerrie