taking my life back

Hi Peg!

Ransacking the room for change - that was me! When the coins get heavy in my bag or pockets, I throw it into the first open drawer in my room - an appallingly untidy habit! (one of many! I feel lucky that i'm too lazy to change purses - much would be lost forever!lol). I would pull drawers clean out of the dresser - my room would look as desperate and insane as I felt - uuurrrrggghhh! Not a happy memory! I am so grateful, JFT, it's over. The more time that goes past, the more wretched my gambling life looks.

I hope you are feeling ok, Peg. Wishing you comfort and love....

And Anna,

It truly helps to read other people's experiences to know that I am not alone in wanting to stop this hell I've created for myself.

You are not alone in creating the hell, either. We don't set out to do this to ourselves on purpose - the monster seems to have a life of it's own. Glad you are here, and finding some hope.

Lots of love to you both,

Kerrie

I posted this on my diary on feb 28...from time to time I re-post it for someone....it seems something that we all tend to experience once we stop gambling..

for ME....understanding what I am experiencing...KNOWING that it is just a part of the process (healing) helps me to get thru it ----

Love to all who read here...you are not alone.

4 months today.

I have gone through many stages in the past 4 months...

in the beginning...relief...comfort...finding others like me..relating..discovering hope.

then..elation...I was sooo EXCITED!! Life was WONDERFUL...this Thanksgiving...had the extended family over all day and I cannot remember a time where I have ever felt such peace and joy as I did that day...for no specific reason...in other words...on my WEDDING day or the birth of a child..those are life-changing events...but Thanksgiving...I have done that 42 times 🙂 but it had never been this good.

Then...I had a really bad day...extremely emotional and for no good reason...well..something had set me off, but it didn't deserve all of the emotion that I invested in it.

The next day...I was elated again...I had a few of those really bad days.

I have a few thoughts on that.

First...for a long time...I was on an emotional roller coaster...excitiement (prior to and during beginning of gambling session) then numb (while gambling) then, more often than not...that horrific ride home 🙁

so my body was in an up and down cycle...perhaps it needed to 'cycle down' a bit before levelling off?

and/or

I had been supressing feelings for a very long time..numbing out at a machine...so when I stopped taking my 'drug' and started FEELING again...was like all of my emotions were just under the surface...ready to burst forth...having been ignored for far too long.

perhaps a combination of those things...in any event..thankfully, I have levelled off a bit, emotionally.

I am encountering things that I have little experience with...acceptance, gratitude, peace, joy.

It is only recently that I could identify my feelings. I never thought about them much..feelings...they were good or bad. If they were bad...try to do something to make me feel good.

No longer.

It feels good to feel.

I cry more now...of course..I used to try to dry my tears..think of something happy..do something fun..now..I cry..honestly..most of my tears have been cleansing, happy tears lately...it's a good thing (even though it screws up my make-up) lol

i never thought i would feel this way.

there is hope.

there is help.

you are not alone.

love,

peg

xoxo

peg

*********************

am re-reading my post and it occurs to me...that i was on an emotional roller coaster even WHILE I was numbing out at a machine...I was numb from my REAL LIFE..from FEELINGS...but I was still UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN as my credits went UP and DOWN....credits UP...I can gamble more..all is well...credits DOWN...didn't really bother me til my cash for the day was running low...then I'd go into panic mode...if credits didn't go back UP...I'd go get more money...ATM or credit card or check..ahhh...UP again.

did they coin the term

'emotional roller coaster' based on a day in the life of a cg, i wonder? ha ha

🙂

Peg,

Thanks for reposting your thoughts from earlier. I'd like to know how long it has now been since you've gambled. Even just getting to know your story, I am proud of you.

I haven't even made it one month yet. But, today, I gave myself a little test. I had a cash coupon for the casino, and I really needed the money. So, I drove there, telling myself all the while "heal thyself, heal thyself." When I got there, I walked in, cashed out the coupon, and walked back out and went home. I can't tell you how proud I felt at that moment.

I also talked to my brother, and ask him if when there are large coupons to redeem ($100 or more), I can call him as I am going in, and call him when I come out, so I will not be tempted to stay. It's a very small step, but it's a start.

Kerrie - thanks for your words of support, too. I'm finding much comfort in this site so far.

Love to all

- Anna

Peg, I just saw your reply on my intro post. You really do check on all the new people, don't you? Can't tell you how much that means. I have thought of starting my own diary, but right now, I'm not sure I could face the shame of all I have done for this addiction. Just admitting that I can't control it was super hard for me.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

- Anna

Hi Peg - hope you are well. you have such a varied and interesting diary, interesting in that it's such a mix of experience and advice...whilst I am truly sorry that you went thru the horrors of this addiction, and are continuing to fight it every step of the way, i have to say I'm rather pleased that you are here.

Thanks Peg

James

((Anna))

I went to the casino dozens of times to cash in my coupons (eventually they stop sending them if you don't gamble).

People in g.a. meetings would freak out...and they have some good points...

why test ourselves? what's the point? better to just never go near the place.

maybe i can walk in and out today with no problem...but...just being there may cause me (later) to crave it.

i could go on.

BUT

I needed the money, so, like you, I did it anyway.

I do not regret it...there were no ill effects for me -- but I have seen many people return to ga. meetings who have tried to do it but gambled 🙁

so...just be careful...be so careful...and the calling your brother thing was a wonderful idea....sometimes I felt stronger than others...and on the occasions when I did not feel strong I would call a friend....I remember keeping her on the phone once the whole time i was there...I stood in line and talked, etc. (people do it every day, every where!)

also..sometimes I'd ask a friend to drive me....we'd pull up....she waits in the car...I run in, run out then go shopping 🙂

take care...be careful

love to you ((Anna))

and

(((James)))

I kind of feel the same way.

What I went through..geez...it was horrific..but...I am still here. I am ok. I may be happier (and healthier) than I have ever been....AND ....I would not have gotten to this place...without going thru what I have experienced.

All is well.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be today.

((James))

Hi Peg. You're absolutely right - cashing the coupons is a huge risk. But, I'm trying to be smart about it and make myself accountable because I really do need the money. Tomorrow I have $185 coupons to cash, and I will again call my brother as I go in and out. I can't stay on the phone with him, because unfortunately, there's no signal in the casino.

Peg, thanks for your posts. You have such insight and wisdom that one can really tell you've "been there and done that" and made it through!! You are an inspiration!

Anna

Hi Peg,

we were having a discussion the other day , about how i believe that our lifes are mapped out, i didnt do a good job of explaining myself 🙂

But today i got this, i think it says it all?

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/9999.html

Indeed it does.

I have registered to receive the daily messages.

Thanks for the link.

Enjoyed chatting 🙂

Hi Sweetie!

Popping in to say g'day and send you hugs!

Love,

Kerrie

Hi Peg, sounds like you are still staying strong. Thank you for keeping up with my progress too. Love Jan x

Hi Peg. Thanks for your posting on my diary and for your e-mail. You truly are a gem! You should be so proud of the difference you're making in people's lives!

Lots of love,

Anna

hi peg thanks for posting in my intro i am going to start a recovery diary well i have bout 1/2 hr ago lol...i have now done 5 days without gambling n its great, still would do but am not gonna give mysefl opportunity its good to log on here instead of somewhere that will just eat my money with the help of prozac and gamblock i am getting through this!!closed all accounts ..which i did once b4 ,,but opened new account after getting new bank accounts 1 all the times i covered my tracks i look back n cant beleive the things i said the tales i told to family n freinds ... so here i am keep posting please ,,tc n thanks....

This is such a lonely disease.

I avoided people who care about me...not wanting to face them, not wanting to lie (any more than I already was), and CERTAINLY not wanting to spend any of my time (that I could've been gambling) to talk to or do things with anyone else!

That's one of the things that make it so hard to stop...we are alone...even when there are PHYSICALLY people in our lives...spouses, parents, children, whomEVER...we have, more often than not, isolated from them emotionally...they have no idea what is going on with us...or what we are feeling inside.

We are alone.

Finding places like gamcare...reading stories...discovering that there are others like us...who 'get' us... geez...that felt so good to me...I was *not* alone..I mean...i WAS...but...I wasn't really....I was not the only one experiencing these things...there were others like me...RELIEF!!!

alone is too lonely.

you don't have to be alone.

Post your story.

Email someone [email protected]

Call a hotline

Get to a gamblers anonymous meeting

Attend online meetings here at gamcare

Go to the chat room (24/7) at safe harbor http://www.sfcghub.com

ANY of it...but DO SOMETHING

REACH OUT...

You deserve your life.

xo

As always, Peg, you're an inspiration. Reading your posts is always so uplifting.

I'm now finishing day 8! Never thought I'd get here, but thanks to you and everyone here, I'm making it!!

Love and Hugs!

- Anna