taking my life back

Have a wonderful time on vacation, Peg!!! You deserve it!

Love, Anna

hi peg, hope you have a great vacation look forward to catching up when you get back 🙂

love

jane

(jinxy) have changed username 🙂

Hey Peg,

You've got the right idea, gambling bug can take a hike, your away to get your feet up and relax for few days.

Come back stronger, fresher and ready for a real fight this time show this addiction who is the boss.

Now remember if you can't be good, be careful, make sure you enjoy yourself to the max Peg.

Speka to you soon

Have a great time peg..You truly deserve it xx

Thank You for sharing your gifts and talents with us and helping a path in life to become clearer..

You give so much to others and really derve to have a fantastic time

Lot Of Love

Lynn

xxx

Back from the beach.

It was a trip with a whole bunch of women...we go every year, for the past 7 years or so.

I don't spend much time with these women any more...our children no longer attend the same schools so our paths don't cross as often as they once did.

I have mixed feelings about the trip...I really had a nice time and was able to visit with a few women whose company I really enjoy....but..... I have changed a lot in the last 10 months...in some ways, I found myself reverting to old behaviors....there was nothing really WRONG with the old peg..except...there was a place for gambling in my life back then...and ..hmmmm....it's not so much that I don't WANT to gamble...maybe it's that....gambling just cannot be a part of who I am today (or..who I am becoming, or who I want to be).....I don't think I'm saying this well.....

How about...

Gambling is INCOMPATIBLE with who I am today.

I *do* have choices today.

Good to see you back Peg,

Gambling...you simply don't have time for it, too much enjoyment to be had elsewhere. There are so many other things you can be doing.

I'm sure these ladies appreciated the new improved / relaxed Peg. Women are quick to detect these things, intuition ..mind reading. Sounds like a high old time was had, ok maybe some of them like to hit the slots / casino's fair enough doesn't mean you have to join in now. Just tell them thanks but no thanks, you have new interests, ways to spend your time & money more wisely.

You've moved on Peg, to a better world, more relaxed, more enjoyable for you & your family, friends. Sure your friends will soon realise and want to join up as well.

Peg i know that you are just gonna go from strength to strength in battling this addiction.

You are strong and you are determined. You know what it is you want and you will do anything to get there and that is to a world of no gambling!

Have a good day peg and thank you for chatting to me in sh last night.

Al x

Someone said to me, in chat last night, that I look like I have it all together.

Does anyone?

I mean…with regards to this gambling thing, yes, I think I do have it all together…I am very aware that if I don't KEEP it all together…I'm gonna find myself in trouble one day…but…I plan on keeping it together. 🙂 I do not live in fear of the next bet….I know that as long as I continue doing what I have been doing, there is no danger of that….gambling is not even a consideration for me today.

But…the OTHER stuff….

Well…in emails this morning, was chatting with a friend about recovery…and I quoted this from the g.a. combo book:

They concluded from their discussions that in order to prevent a relapse it was necessary to bring about certain character changes within themselves. In order to accomplish this, they used a for a guide certain spiritual principles which had been utilized by thousands of people who were recovering from other compulsive addictions. The word spiritual can be said to describe those characteristics of the human mind that represent the highest and finest qualities suck as kindness, generosity, honest and humility. Also, in order to maintain their own abstinence they felt that it was vitally important that they carry the message of hope to other compulsive gamblers.

kindness, generosity, honest and humility - yeah…working on that…still plenty of work to do…but working on that…and it is making remarkable changes in my life. The changes that I am making…I STARTED on this path because of a gambling problem….the thing is…I am not WORKING on a gambling problem…I don't ever struggle with urges…I am finding that…working on these qualities is simply enhancing my life….and…again from my email this morning :

this weekend kind of crystallized for me..the fact that....when I behave ummmm when my life is not centered around the highest and finest qualities (kindness, generous, honesty and humility) I look like a person who may or may not gamble...not necessarily that it would be a problem (if it were someone else) but...a person who hmmmmmmmm...can't find words....but...in contrast.......the peg that I am becoming..that you met.....gambling and me now....the two are not harmonious...it cannot be...there is no way that I could possibly gamble AND be this peg.

So….I am working on my spirituality….and the gambling thing is just falling into place, along with many other aspects of my life.

But not all of them.

I was trying to recall….there was a time, many years ago, when I was extremely organized (re. bills and money)…and when did that change? Cuz…Now…OMG…I have not balanced a bank statement in years…I would simply make an adjustment to my records whenever the statement arrived…..BUT….it's even been years since I've done THAT much….I don't even write things down…I go online a couple of times a week to look at my bank balance and activity and try to remember (off the top of my head) any checks that I might have written..and how much they were for….and I hope for the best.

I bounced a check not too long ago -big surprise!

I do the same thing with bills…(before I go on…my husband is in charge of all of our finances now…with the exception of my small acct..for minor household items and my own, personal expenses…cell phone, etc.) well….grateful for that..because….the truth is…in years past, I once came home to find the electricity disconnected…I had enough money to pay it….I had enough money to pay it on time…but…I dunno…I just didn't WANT to??? I don't know…I just wouldn't open the dang envelopes…I'm laughing as I'm writing this now, because it's ridiculous..but I still do it….my cell phone bills come in the mail…I put them in a stack (of other things that I refuse to open)…eventually, I will get a txt message from the co. telling me I'm about to get disconnected so I will hurry up and call and make a payment over the phone………..most recently…I got a letter from a collection agency for me to pay $2500.00 for an MRI that I had taken last year….WHAT?? my insurance should have paid this….WELL…..it turns out that they still had my prior insurance company on file…and filed the claim with them….of course, they had sent me many many statements and notices (in the past 8 months) but guess what? They are in the stack of unopened cr**….I call them and ask them to re-file with the RIGHT insurance company and they said ‘nope..we won't do that past 90 days'…OMG…I will have to pay $2500.00 simply because I would not open the mail???? Well, I worked it out…got the letter yesterday that it's been paid…but…I have to make some serious changes…is it possible that ‘living on the edge' like that is some kind of a rush for me??? It sure as h*ll doesn't feel good if it is a rush…but….why do I continue to do it??? Why am I always late ?? Why do I rush around like crazy at the last minute…to accomplish anything?? To get ready for an outing….to prepare to host a party…ANYTHING….I wait until crunch time.

And plenty of stuff…just doesn't get done.

Katrina blew our fence down…We have the money for a new fence. The insurance company is paying for it for goodness sake!... The two year anniversary of the storm just passed and I do not have a fence??? What is up with that??? Well….I made the call and signed a contract a few weeks ago….I'll have a fence next week…but…..

I could go on and on...

I've “surely got trouble, right here in River City.”

(((((Peg)))))), welcome back. Oh, Peg, you know, I don't think it's possible for everyone to have EVERYTHING together. It's just not. We can work and work and work, and still things just don't get done.

But, look at how far you've come and how much you've helped others here and in Safe Harbor, GA, etc. Like you tell others, don't beat yourself up about the small stuff!

Here I am, looking at having no job come the end of January, and I still haven't seriously begun looking for a job, because I'm working on my Thesis. Just can't manage more than one thing at a time, and stay focused on my recovery too!

You are an awesome, awesome lady, and I thank God every day that I found Gamcare and people like you, Peg.

Love ya,

Anna

Hey Peg!

HAH! Welcome to my world! It took me TWO WEEKS to get around to ringing the bank when my credit card got weird! As for the pile of unopened mail.... add a bit of nailploish remover - great fire starter! Except I didn't get around to ordering another load of wood...

Maybe i'm just really naughty - but I find it hard to care about i-dotting and t-crossing. the older i get, the less i care - there are so many more important things taking my attention. Causes some s**t from time to time, tho.

What the hell - here's to chaos! Cheers!

Love you to pieces,

Kerrie

hiya Peg

it seems to me that you are getting the important stuff together.This journey you have undertaken is a life long journey..there is no end to it.its called life...just enjoy it.

take care

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

thanks ((jim))...getting the important stuff together.

indeed.

there is so much more to this than stopping gambling.

it is the STAYING stopped that gets tricky.

Today, I recognize that many of my old behaviors and attitudes have contributed to the progression of this addiction.

Today, I understand that AWARENESS plays a huge role in how well I am....

To be aware...of self...of thoughts, feelings, sensations....whatever I am experiencing this moment.

ACCEPTANCE....knowing that I am what I am....all I can do is all I can do...I am not perfect...and that's ok....neither are you perfect...and that's ok, too. 🙂

HONESTY...I still struggle with this...when there are attitudes/behaviors/relationships that are comfortable..or that FEEL good....I justify them in the same way that I justified gambling, I suppose? I put off eliminating that thing or behavior until some later date because blah blah blah..honesty is hard.

oh...not the honesty to others...aside from my gambling, I am honest to a fault....its the honesty with self that I struggle with...but....these days...I struggle 🙂 and...that is a step in the right direction.

OPENNESS.....I was just reading on AVRT...I find it very interesting and very much in line with some of my own thinking...the dual me...the internal battle....some of the information I have been reading is empowering....I will take what I need....I want my life.

WILLINGNESS....I guess it all boils down to willingness doesn't it? Willingness to do whatever it takes...I mean....it doesn't matter how aware or honest I am...if I am not WILLING...to put that information into good use.

or...WILLING to turn it over???

how about....WILLING to address them 🙂 one way or another.

love to all who read here.

xoxoxo

Hi Peg

You are inspirational and best of all you make me think properly about hings I would normally dismiss.

Such good sense and yet.in a way....absolutely obvious..pardon the expression!

Meant in the nicest possible way.

Peg if u are still on line could you look at Jan's diary i am so worried for her.

love

Wxx

The past month or so I've been in...hmmm... a no-growth period...I wouldn't really call it a slump...I'm just not moving forward...I *see* things that need to be dealt with...and I do nothing.

I'm not beating myself up over it...I mean....I've been thru a lot in the past 6 or 8 weeks...and *I* figure....if I had just been abstaining these past months....I would have been gambling these last 8 weeks.....the fact that I am in RECOVERY...am CHANGING...meant that...these past 8 weeks were spent in kind of 'neutral'....geez...I'm ok with neutral....if that's where I go from now on when I'm suffering...so be it...

but

if i stay in neutral...and 's**t happens'...what then?

what I need is action....Back to Step 4, I believe....searching and fearless inventory....

xoxo

Hi Peg

I am so proud of your diary it helps make a lot of sense..

Yep we are in recovery and yep we are changing..I am only just getting used to the changing bit and worried about the neutral - maybe that is what i am saying when i keep saying normal.

Please update us on how your action goes as I am sure i wil need to look back at this in my own recovery.

YOu are an amzing women Peg and inspire us all and I am so glad you are here.

But every now and again insperation needs a hug so from me to you: ((((((((((PEG))))))))))

All My Love

Lynn

xxx